playing quarterback this year, i realize that some things never change. i'm not sure why it wasn't like this in years past, perhaps playing linebacker or wide receiver just didn't put enough responsibility into my hands - or choices. i think it's the choices. but this year, having to know the entire playbook inside out, including where everybody runs or blocks, having to know my receivers each personally so much as to say heesun likes the handoffs stuck out there so she can grab them whereas joyce likes them pounded into her gut, sophia runs the fastest and most consistently while anna will jump for any ball remotely near her ... all the code words to remind everyone whether we're going left or right, whether the line should pull, pass protect, or open a hole...and then read the defense on top of all that, know the other teams, analyze mismatches, scramble out of the way of 1-4 girls bearing down at me, and get these throws off...
that's a lot of decision-making to be had in 5 seconds.
as i underperformed in our first scrimmage, i realized all of the things that were hard about tkd competition - namely, everything mental - still rings true for football. i almost preferred it when i had a robotic position and my job was just to run from here to there and catch the ball if it came to me.
and it's true - everyone always blames the qb if you lose. i guess you get a good chunk of glory if you win, too, but that doesn't matter so much as the responsibility of managing the field of running chess pieces out there. it's pretty wild.
but i also realized there's a small part of me that loves learning new things, and loves milestones. i forgot about that, perhaps since it's been awhile since i've been in this arena. the same feeling of agony when i'm playing poorly is the same thrill when i'm playing well - or just the same anxiety and excitement that comes from realizing that there's potential to be unlocked.
it's nice to know that at age 30, there's still more out there. that after busting my hand and sorta putting it back together, having an achy hip that never quite feels right, and whatever else says it's retirement time or the best years have gone by...that there's always something new. i mean, besides birthing a child, which has got to be the single biggest thing i'm dreading for all time.
hopefully things keep getting better ... positive thinking is a funny thing. i was never really good at it in tkd, but with a team behind me and needing to be a leader on the field, i'm suddenly motivated to actually try to think less and have a short memory. while simultaneously remembering everything. it's weird like that...
