trying to be positive

Non-Sab-related happenings of the last couple weeks:

1) Congratulations to Danna! Very very nice wedding, clearly the OCD in them prevailed as it went off (at least apparently to me as a guest) without a hitch. Even the weather, which was forecasted to rain, came through and it was a gorgeous day in Delaware. SO GOOD to see KCFers again. Ah...how I miss the days of KCF gone by. It wasn't just seeing friends I had left in Boston - though I certainly have missed them terribly - it was seeing them AND friends older than that who have scattered to all ends of the country. (ie. California) *sigh* What a great weekend - I had forgotten just how crazy Jae's driving is, how sarcastic xander can get, shiau_d's "so...", just how baritone bok's voice goes, how eendah goes crazy when a good song comes on, crhim's funny stories...ah...sometimes you just need a dose of friends. More than that, I'm realizing that my life severely lacks the fellowship of my brothers and sisters as I had in college. Likely a large contributer to my unhappiness.

2) Congratulations to Andrew! The spring concert for the Park Avenue Chamber Symphony
was a huge success! The program was awesome (I love Mozart) and he's almost got me convinced to audition for next Fall. I know, I know...I already don't have any spare time as it is...but it would be SO COOL! Beethoven's emporer concerto...but I seriously doubt my violin skills at this point - they must have deteriorated into nothingness. But sitting there listening to the concert gave me the itch...that my place isn't in the audience and that I really do miss playing...and this orchestra actually plays normal music that I like, as opposed to the freaking hard modern junk we played in MITSO...just something to think about.

3) Jr. Nationals - well...I'm proud of my kids even though they lost. Well..."my" kids. More on that later perhaps because there are mixed feelings in there and I'm trying to keep this post positive. But I can honestly say after being head coach and dealing with parents that I understand why coaches go out and drink after tournaments are over. I had 4 nights in a row of margaritas...

4) NYC Ballet - one of my private students is the general manager for the NYC Ballet, and generously gave me tickets to see the last show of Midsummer Night's Dream. WOW. It was great. Can't go wrong with Mendelssohn, and those ballet dancers are crazy good (if not anorexic). I even got a backstage tour, pretty cool stuff.

So my little break from Taekwondo hasn't been for naught. There have been enough distractions to keep me occupied and smiling once in awhile.

walking on broken glass

A surprisingly insightful conversation on reconciliation.

There are indeed two sides to every story...but perspectives are so different based on which side you're on. As I try to rebuild and accept the permanenceof my doghouse, it's almost encouraging to have discussed the opposite situation, when I was the senior throwing the junior in the doghouse, and remembering the steps towards forgiveness and reconciliation...

>>>>>>>>>>>>

it'll probably take a long time before things are 100% normal again
and i'll be honest
it could take a really long time before things are normal
but it'll eventually get better
things do get better with time
maybe the relationship will be different
but it could be better than before
remember when you were angry at me, and wouldn't talk to me
man i thought it would never get better

haha which time?
j/k
oh when i was ignoring you
oh yeah i was so mad at you. i don't even remember why anymore

haha
yea me neither

that took so much effort

before you remember why you were mad at me
let's go back to the subject at hand
time cures everything

i feel like i should be mad that you don't remember but i don't really care

haha. i kind of remember
anyway see
time makes most things better
it's because things eventually die
people, flowers, animals
even situations

>>>>>>>>>>>>

If only this situation would just die. But it hasn't and it won't - and even if it did, it would revive itself somehow because it's never been resolved.

I guess he's right - as the junior there's not much you can do but wait out the anger. I wonder how long it'll take, and whether I can wait that long.



The sun's still shining in big blue sky
But it don't mean nothing to me
Oh let the rain come down
Let the wind blow through me
I'm living in an empty room
With all the windows smashed
And I've got so little left to loose
That it feels just like I'm walking on broken glass

Now everyone of us was made to suffer
Everyone of us was made to weep
But we've been hurting one another
And now the pain has cut too deep
So take me from the wreckage
Save me from the blast
Lift me up and take me back
Don't let me keep on walking
I can't keep on walking on broken glass

-Annie Lennox "Walking on Broken Glass"

remorse

Sometimes you get a swift kick in the face that reminds you that you're sinful.

When the crap hits the fan...you find out whether love is unconditional or not.

I hope it is.

tone

Last night I was teaching a private lesson, and Daniel and Ryugo (both 4 year old boys) were running around downstairs being rambunctious. Nothing new, they can be little terrors at times, Ryugo more than Daniel.

At one point Daniel ran up to the shelf, grabbed two paddles and started to run off screaming and waving them. The last time Ryugo did that, I told him to stop and put them back, and when I was ignored, went over to him, picked him up, took the paddles away and put them back on the shelf. He ran away and cried in the staff room.

This time I went up to Daniel, knelt down so we were eye to eye, and asked him
what he was going to do with the paddles. He said play with them. And I said

"Daniel, the paddles aren't for playing, OK? Noona would like it if you put them back and played quietly with Ryugo over there. Can you do that for me?"

And to my great surprise, he said "OK". And not only did he put the paddles down, he went on tiptoes to put the paddles back on the shelf and scampered off with Ryugo - screaming a little bit less.

Granted, if I had taken that approach with Ryugo it would almost certainly have failed, because I don't really have a relationship with him, nor do I really care to invest in creating one. And if I speak in Korean with Ryugo that means nothing to him since he's half Japanese half black, whereas the k-factor bonds Daniel and me together.

But in the interest of teaching Daniel, and having a point that I wanted him to get, I chose to talk to him in a way that he could understand. And at least for one day - he understood. Maybe tomorrow he will go back to waving paddles around and throwing them - but yesterday he didn't.

Sometimes if you want someone to understand something, the tone in which you express yourself makes all the difference. If you're trying to lay down the law or to put someone in their place - that's an entirely different story. But if you claim to be having a discussion and to value someone - sometimes it's best to come down eye to eye and talk nicely rather than stare down and bully.

I wish some people would understand that.

shooting the messenger

You can only shoot the messenger so many times before they stop delivering messages.

I find it ass-backwards (what a fun phrase to say) how this works:

I get asked for my opinion. I spend weeks and weeks writing, editing, filtering, fluffing my valid and justified points down. The response I get is not only stubbornly unbudging (expected) but personally accusatory on no uncertain terms - and then ended with a disclaimer about how much my opinon is valued and how I shouldn't be upset because nothing is a personal attack.

So then, with my lack of response at this vent that is completely unorganized and without any real logic besides "because I said so" - and clearly if a disclaimer to not be offended had to be added at the end, it was hastily noted that what preceeded it was clearly offensive - I get this inquiry:

i am sure that you took my email in the spirit in which it was intended, right?

i tried to

good

i appreciate the disclaimer at the end, and i see where you're coming from, though i dont' feel like i was understood

well don't sulk ok? let's talk about happier things ... like my back kick last night ...

yeah yeah...gloat all you want

thank you for the permission

you know you were waiting for it

the backkick or the gloating or your comment?

all of the above

ok. gotta run.
don't sulk
can i hear an "nae"
signing off

The more I think about it - NO! Screw the "nae" - I will NOT be bullied (or coaxed as the case may be) into yes-sir-ing this one.

What I don't understand is - when I want to communicate, the best way to get them to listen is to NOT say anything and fall off the face of the earth. That, for some reason, is the indicator that I'm upset. Then I get contacted (only after they exhaust the other sources first) about what's wrong. If I attempt to express myself at any point prior to being addressed, all hopes at actual communication is lost because they're not at the listening phase yet. So listening only begins where talking stops.

So for communication to exist, I have to do what is unnatural to me, which is not to express myself. And he has to do what is unnatural to him, which is to anticipate how I'm feeling and ask.

Ass-backwards, I say.

And he wouldn't be checking up on me if he didn't know that this was sulk-worthy.

People really should stop shooting the messenger. The messenger goes on strike tomorrow.

validation

"Tell me this is stupid"

"It's stupid"

"Thanks. I knew I could count on you."

Sometimes you need a little validation. Well, I do. Because if I didn't have it, the world would exist as I know it inside my head, and we all know THAT would be a disaster.

Sometimes people say 쓸때없는 things. (Best translation I can think of: "things of no use", though the Korean gives you the nuance). And you refute them and laugh them off or whatever. And then you get other people who say the same things. And you think, what a coincidence, but that's stupid.

And then after awhile you start having 쓸때없는 thoughts.

Unfortunately I forgot that my validator was going to leave the country for a couple weeks. No wonder I felt so...unvalidated. Haha.

Out, out, darn spot!

******************

Trying to do an entire semester's worth of work in one night is a bad idea. BAD IDEA.

land of warmth and fuzz

"It's so much better when you can take a step back from things and just let them slide off a bit. The land of warmth and fuzz is then revealed to be geographically located next to Sparkyland, and the trip over the border is just a hop, skip and a jump..."

I'll have to think about that one...

Note to self: under periods of intense stress, FLEE from people, obligations, and responsibilities. Even I need a break sometimes. I'm not superhuman. It was very disappointing to find out. Despite my cancerous tan it was a sorely needed vacation. God provides at the oddest of times, and sleeping on the beach turned out to be just the therapy I needed.

If last week was the week of blowups, this was the week of makeups. Warmth and fuzz abounds...as it should! Hopefully this time it lasts for a bit longer than last time. As it stands, I'm too tired to fight for anything more at this point.

Things are rolling, with any luck I might get my board interview as early as next week!!! Keep on praying, I might not be homeless after all!