compassion is a lifestyle

pd's sermon series on beatitudes has been really good lately. we had a really good sermon discussion in tlc, which has been interesting...

i think i have a mental separation between communities where i belong (ie. where i'm getting something out of it) and where i serve (ie. when i have leadership or responsibility). and sometimes i wonder - does it have to be mutually exclusive?

ideally it wouldn't be - but i realize more and more that i compartmentalize.

so my tlc has been good in the sense that people are really open. we have a couple seekers, but in general most people are unchurched or minimally-churched-and-think-they're-xtians-but-might-not-be. it's been a cool spread and opportunity to witness and be refreshed by points of view that aren't jaded or complacent...but at the same time it really makes me put my serving hat on and compartmentalize tlc as a place to teach and care for others. which, as a leader, it should be - but i guess there's a part of me that just sorta views it like a job. this is my place to give, and that's what i'm supposed to do. it's not that i dislike it...i just thought it was weird that i viewed it that way.

i have to admit that there are times when i have tlc-envy, since other groups are more solid members and i've generally been in groups with people who are like me. but i think God's saying you take what you get...so i'm hopeful that this year will be fruitful, even if it'll be different.

that being said, i'm thinking of joining jle's tlc which meets on fridays anyways...seemed like a fun group, and ... i think i need to have more fun. i guess part of me also just craves being in a smaller group where my job isn't to lead.

i was talking to susan yesterday re: leadership...i think my annoyance at being prayer champion last year stems not so much from having to serve, but from the way it came about. maybe it's bc i've been myers-brigging lately, but i realize more and more that i have a visceral reaction to being assigned to do something, as opposed to being asked. ie. feeling appreciated or not.

* * * * *

in other thoughts...tg with the lims/whangs was fun. though at the end of the day there was a period of interrogation and preaching on the man situation (or lack thereof). i realized that respect is a large factor in how i react to people. probably not uncommon, but if i don't really respect someone, i immediately discount their opinion. i probably go so far as to automatically take the opposite stance.

at the end of the day, i'm open to suggestions. all the while keeping in mind that differing values lead to opinions being weighted more or less. but being chewed out for this or that by someone whose opinions i don't value was...an exercise in patience to keep from rolling my eyes. painful.

the latest on the eharm front is the picture postulate. if a guy (or girl, i suppose) doesn't post a picture with their profile - there's a reason why. normally i don't talk to people who don't have pictures or incomplete profiles. not so much because i'm afraid they'll be ugly, but more because i think it indicates insecurity, or a guardedness that's selfish (ie. i want to get more info on you than i'm willing to give you about me). heck, we're all on this stupid dating site, if you're gonna do it, don't do it halfway.

anyways, pickings are slim so i figured i'd answer this pictureless guy's questions, etc. at the end of the day, i got to see pictures, and the guy is pretty overweight. ahh as much as i'd like to say looks don't matter...i guess obesity is a dealbreaker.

speaking of which, i've decided that 5 months of being out of shape has gone on long enough. the hand isn't sparring-worthy yet, but in general i miss working out hard and lungs exploding and feeling good. or maybe it's bc during black friday shopping, my pants size went up by 1. regardless - it's time to resume working out every day. enough is enough.

black friday aftermath

i never thought i'd say this, but i think i've lost the will to shop.

this year's black friday was particularly fruitful - i'm quite proud of the findings and savings. knocked off everything on my dad's list and then some. polished off the rest of my list. even found a few things for myself.

sparky's guide for black friday

1) safety in numbers. never attempt black friday alone. after much of 2008 was spent waiting in lines (lines to get INTO the stores, lines to pay for my purchases) this year showed much progress in efficiency. there were 3 of us, which sometimes dwindled down to 2 when bry decided to split off and do his own thing. but all you need is another person. when a store is ridiculously crowded - the best strategy when you get in is to put one person in the line to pay. the other will look around and choose their purchases, and then come stand in line while original person shops. at the end of the day, you each waited in line, but for half the time. this proved particularly useful in katespade, where the line to pay snaked through the entire store. (which was at least half off). carol and i found that we would shop WHILE waiting on line, since it curved around every possible display. the results? bags for 1/6 retail price. i personally was hoping that if i purchased more formal and girl-esque items, i would feel motivated to go out and look nice. (fairly expensive risk, hence, taken on black friday).

2) leave early. after fiasco 2008 of leaving at 10.30pm, intending to get there for midnight madness (and not being able to park, getting directed 4 miles away and taking a shuttle bus and stepping into my first store at 2am) - this year we left at 7pm on thanksgiving. got there by 8.30pm, ate something, hit the first stores by 9pm. it was glorious. when it started to get mad crazy - we were already half done. great parking spot, which we could shuttle our bags back to - much to the dismay of hopeful drivers circling and trying to take our spot.

3) strategic store planning. while some may insist that you need to know exactly what you want, i don't think that's necessarily true. the key factor is, you have to know what stores you want to go to - what time they open, what their deals are, and where they're located relative to one another. some stores are more popular than others - it's far more efficient to wait in line for 20 minutes early in the evening, than to find yourself in a maze of ropes and a sign that says "from this point, 2 hours" later at night. whereas other stores almost never have a line to get in. i regret that we didn't brave northface when we were initially daunted by the line - it turned into impossibility as the day went on.

on the way back, we stopped at target, though only briefly. that was the last of my shopping energy - after that i was totally done. as dante used to say, "basta! finito!"

now, to try and get myself back on a normal sleep schedule....

elitism

i think i like smart people. i mean, not just have an affinity for - there's something about finding out someone is really intelligent that makes me really enjoy being around them.

most of my friends are pretty intelligent. actually, most of my friends are pretty geeky. the best times of my life and the friends i miss the most are from college. granted, everyone misses their alma mater, but there's something about mit that pools a certain type (read: nerds) together and celebrates our...geekiness.

there was one chapter camp or large group when cktsai (he has pretty awesome delivery) had a crowd gathered around him as he told the joke of the differential operator. best joke EVER - pasted at the end.

anyhow...i just remember when everyone roared/groaned at the punchline...that's a clever joke. i mean, it's funny if you're nerdy, but honestly, you actually have to know some higher level math to get it.

one time, in my first job, people were telling nerdy jokes. someone told the one about the proton and the neutron (eh, old) ... and another person told a really stupid one.

So there's these 2 muffins in an oven.

They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.

And one of them yells "Damn, it's hot in here!"

And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"

now, for some reason, she thought it was freaking hilarious. i thought it made no sense. which i suppose was the point, or something...but...jokes are supposed to be clever!

but seeing as how we were all engineers, i decided to tell the differential operator joke.

crickets.

seriously, they all looked at me like i'd told it in polish. my joke was rejected, and vehemently insisted upon that it just wasn't funny. and then they went on to laugh about the talking muffin.

that's when i realized...they don't get it. but...you're engineers. you took calculus.

sometimes...it's refreshing to be around people who "get" you.

so tonight after church a bunch of the leadership went out to dinner with our guest speaker. some of us were bantering, all in good fun, and out of nowhere drl corrects my grammar. i stopped. thought about it. and he was right - i had been grammatically incorrect.

i correct grammar all the time. usually in my head, since it can come across as obnoxious to correct someone out loud...but i have to say, i was kind of impressed that someone caught my mistake. and then jle when on this whole thing about henry viii...

all in all...it was kinda refreshing. though i don't think i can tell my diff op joke for awhile...maybe when my kids get to calculus....

* * * * * * *

the differential operator joke:

e^x and a constant were walking down the street. Suddenly, the constant notices a differential operator walking along the other side of the street. "Oh, no!" exclaims the constant. "I've got to run away! You've got to hide me! There's a differential operator... he could reduce me to nothing!" "Hmmmph," came the haughty reply. "I'm e^x. He can't do anything to me." So e^x walked across the street and introduced himself. "Hi. How are you doing? I am e^x," he bragged. "Pleased to meet you," replied the differential operator. "I'm d/dy."

shout for JOY!

we won!!!

man, what a comeback, from barely making it into the tournament of champions with only one win from the preliminary tournament 2 weeks ago, to winning the whole thing...i have to say, it was pretty darn crazy. especially having gotten off the plane from japan just last night and still being severely jetlagged - i've never actually stepped on a field and not wanted to play, but today was kind of freeing being there but not dying to win. perhaps that's when we started winning.

i have mixed feelings about my personal performance today, because i basically made one touchdown and ran one conversion in. had about 3 crappy punts and 5 good punts. overall felt slow and tired compared to normal, but that wasn't surprising considering i'm not in tkd shape. had two other passes that i didn't catch, but otherwise...the ball just didn't come to me that much. i think there's a part of me that's still a little irked by that, but i couldn't really do much about it this season. just have to start the next season with two healthy hands and prove that i should get my own plays too. in the meantime, it was good to play second string this year, even if i was wide open sometimes. at least i got to play.

i realize that there are times you shine, and there are times you block so others can shine. i didn't feel that valuable to the team this year (compared to last year when i was catching a lot of balls and making a lot of td's), but i really appreciated when coachj affirmed me for good punting in the last game...i guess i just wanted someone to recognize that i contributed something to the team.

i was really proud of our team for making comebacks. defense made some critical stops when we needed the ball back, and in general we as offense were always driving the ball. people were generally positive, and when we got down, the coaches picked us back up.

it was good to see pd and pj out there supporting us - i love our pastors and the fact that they come out. and of course, our superfans.

i realize...part of me just loves competition. playing to win. analyzing. adrenaline. i miss tkd so much in that way...and i don't know if my hand will ever let me compete again, but...there's something about sparring that just can't be replaced.

best cheer. i heart drewbrees. i really hope the saints go the distance this year. i mean, i'm loyal to peyton but...saints have drew and reggie.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBY4jyhwAIo&feature=related

Shibaiteyaroka???

japan has been surprisingly awesome. i have to admit, i was a bit apprehensive about making this trip sans boss - first time ever to something of significance. not to mention around the world with minimal knowledge (3 semesters in college, but that was awhile ago) of the language.

but it's been a great trip so far.

1) business class is freaking awesome. 14 hours of bliss. food and drinks on command, a comfy reclining seat with ample room (it helped there was no one in the seat next to me as well), tv and movies on demand, and noise cancelling headphones. geez, it's better than being at home. disconnected from the world, with nothing to do but eat, sleep, and relax. (fine, i guess i could have done work, but i chose not to)

2) apparently i look japanese. everyone keeps talking at me in japanese and it's only when it's painfully obvious that i'm trying to formulate a response with my limited nihongo that they switch to english. sign language gets you pretty far with people who can't speak english.

2a) the foreign language sector of my brain is mad confused. it's some combo of the fact that japanese is very similar to korean, that i recently had to start learning spanish to tutor (which has only caused me to confuse french and spanish to begin with) - and the fact that finnish is running through my brain. the first day here i tried to say something like today it's very cold, and i drew a huge blank followed by tannen wa froid yo. it's like i have each part of the sentence i'm trying to say, but it's a crapshoot as to which vocabulary will translate each word first.

3) japan is clearly not ready for female engineers. i'm the only woman who isn't bringing coffee. i want to manufacture a new hard hat design that has room for a ponytail. during inspections yesterday, the reports said "inspected by mr._christinapark. to which i pointed out the error of the "mr." they responded "ahh...sumimasen....mrs?"

sigh, no. FAIL.

i told sab and he gave me some choice phrases i could say, including shibaiteyaroka??? (should i beat you up???) haha, oh sab.

4) the airport totally ripped me off in exchange rate. they gave me something pathetic like 77 yen to a dollar, when the going rate is like 89. i only realized this last night, so i'm trying to spend all of my cash on business expenses so i can expense the horrid rate.

5) the food is just that good. no joke. i won't be able to eat sushi in america for quite awhile. the presentation is amazing, but honestly, i could do without the eyes of everything staring at me from my plate.

6) i love how they gift wrap everything for you...FOR FREE! awesomeness.

that is all for now.

lockout

well, that was a crazy turn of events.

so last night serg and i had our joint birthday shindig downtown. i never go downtown. i think i can count the number of times i've gone below ktown (not including when the church office was on 28th)...on two hands. but in the spirit of not being a grandma, i decided may as well try this normal birthday thing that most people do.

i have to say - it was fun. that might have been the alcohol talking...but once my friends actually showed up i had a good time. eth/eug and i went out to eat afterwards and they're super cool - somehow i manage to become the 3rd wheel on young couples but at least there are cool ones out there.

so the train finally takes me home when i realize...i don't have my keys. so i go to the desk sheepishly, because i had JUST locked myself out earlier that same day and had had to get a spare key - which i had not yet returned and was sitting on my desk. i was embarassed to have to ask for ANOTHER key.

but there was no other key.

apparently there is but one spare, and once it's out, it's out. there's no way to get in, save calling a locksmith, which he said would cost a few hundred dollars at that hour, if we could even get one.

so i sit down, and realize my broker has a copy of my key. but it's 3am. that's just not a nice thing to do to anyone. he's the only person with a copy. i'm dead tired and need to get up early to tutor on sun on a tight schedule that has me going straight thru the day till church and small group are over. i could hang out in my lobby for x hours until he woke up...but really, what were my options?

so feeling horribly guilty, i called him. he didn't pick up so i left a message and sent him an email. panic sets in - i went on my bbry and bry was online. carol texted me to see if i was ok and (i love bryrol) told me to get in a cab to lic and crash at their place.

i napped for a few hours, then got myself back in a cab (i think i dropped $100 on cabs in one day), picked up the key from marty in the morning, and made it home.

this whole episode doesn't help my grandma tendencies of being a homebody and, well, just wanting to stay in instead of going out. but...it did make me realize i have some pretty great friends. it's always nice to know there's someone who cares for you beyond inconvenience.

and with that, i'm off to start my crazy day. i really hope i don't fall asleep.

christmas challenge

bbans once accused me (read: teased me for an entire year) that i was a shopaholic. he got our entire sg to label me as a shopaholic. ok fine - i did happen to stock up on baby clothes at outlets when they were on sale, for the unborn children that would inevitably have baby showers. some call this an addiction. i call it good sense.

so i thought about it, and i guess in a way, i am. i took offense to it at the time because i don't feel that i'm irresponsible with my money, but as i think about it - i do genuinely enjoy shopping. or more specifically, bargain shopping. and hands down, my strongest love language is gifts.

for the last few years, my dad and i have had this system for christmas. he has a list of people (his accountant, lawyer, people he works with, pastors, etc.) that he needs to buy gifts for. he has no time or patience to think of or shop for meaning gifts. so he would just get them gift certs. one xmas, he sent me to macy's to get hudnreds upon hundreds of dollars of gift certs.

i hate gc's. with few exceptions (like a meaningful gc, for a massage or something), i find them cop-outs of actually putting in the thought of getting a gift. (poor rich found this out the hard way when he got me gc's for the first few bdays/xmases. he has since become quite a thoughtful gift-giver. his wife can thank me someday).

gc's also add up to a lot of money, since what you're getting is exactly the value of what you're paying.

so that year i volunteered to do all of my dad's xmas shopping, if he just gave me a list and a budget of the value of the items he wanted to purchase. somehow this has carried on year to year - though last year i was quite proud to have saved him roughly 50% (though i suffered a 12 hour escapade on black friday at woodbury for it)

somehow i've become his personal shopper - but honestly, i really don't mind. i see it as my christmas challenge, esp bc its usually got a time limit.

i know jesus is the reason for the season. but i really enjoy having an excuse to get presents for people without pretense. though i fully admit that it's for my own satisfaction of seeing their reactions when they open them. so i guess pheobe on friends was right...there isn't an unselfish good deed out there. oh, well.

somebody loves me

it's nice to be reminded sometimes that someone loves you.

after feverishly wrapping christmas gifts for the fam (15 kids now amongst the cousins...i need to get moving to get a return on my investment xmas after xmas) i spent the day with my favorite family. did some long division with samster until she was pretty confident - i love how that girl thinks it's cool to do math with eemoh.

so unnee asks her "soyun eemoh's going to move in with us for awhile, what do you think about that?"

sam: "for how long?"

unnee: "we don't know yet"

sam: [pause]. "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

man, i was getting worried for a minute there. i know sam loves me, but it sure took awhile for her reaction to come around. can't think of any other family i'd be willing to live with, though (or perhaps, any other family that would be willing to live with me).

this morning i was trying to get issac into his shoes so we could get out the door, and decided to challenge him to a race. so he's giggling and shoving his feet in, and i was dillydallying with my laces so he could win...he straps on the velcro and gives me a big grin "i win!"

so i said "high five!" and he asks me: "is that your good hand or your bad hand?"

so i showed him my two hands and asked "which one is eemoh's bad hand?"

he points to my right hand (the one with the scar), and i say "yup, we only high five with the good hand, right?"

"right!"

and he gives me a high five.

i love that my 3 year old nephew remembers i had surgery and that he's supposed to be careful around my hand. and how he puts his head on my shoudler when i pick him up after a nap. and getting a "good morning eemoh" to start my day.

it's comforting to know that i won't be homeless.

on a side note, it's going to be a medical kind of day. flu shot, dentist, hand therapy, surgeon. i'm scared.

enough

oh thank God, 29 is already looking better than 28. at the risk of bringing curses upon myself, it couldn't have gotten too much worse - but as bry commented this morning when i shared some good news with him - it's looking better already.

so my broker tells me this morning that we have an offer - and that i'm going to take it. praise God indeed - it's been a good week on the real estate front. the offer was just at the lower limit of what i was willing to take for my apt - funny enough, the magic number that i had formulated in my head long before we had even discussed what to make the asking price. and what's interesting to me is that at the end of the day, the number we made the asking price was barely above that magic number threshold i had come up with. so it was pretty likely that it'd end up being negotiated lower - or that we'd have to lower the asking price anyways, since the apt has been on the market for over a month without any decent offers.

last week my mortgage broker came back to me with an approval for my new mortgage - i sent back the last of the remaining asset docs and for the time being, we're all set. all i need now is for my new apt to hurry up and finish being built, inspected, and closed - which is estimated for april but knowing construction, could be anywhere from april to april.

so at the end of the day - i will be homeless for some period of time. but that's definitely better than carrying 2 mortgages. and it's a huge relief to know that things are moving forwards, in the right direction. for all the headache and confusion that has transpired - and for how much i hate to make big decisions where there is not clear-cut right answer - it's nice to see the risks getting smaller and the lines becoming darker as definition sets in.

things don't always - or perhaps never - work out the way you think they would. and i'm not so optimistic to say that they always end up better. but you get what you get, and you don't get upset.

if i could go back and do it all over again - i would not have fought at aau natls. i would not have broken my hand. i would not have suffered surgeries and rehab and all that life has sucked as a result. i wouldn't have tried eharm and wouldn't have met the douche that was david.

but had that not happened, i would not have been fed up with my small apt. would not have had all this time to be looking for a new place, making the financials happen, and gearing for the next stage of life.

was it worth it?

absolutely not. i'm no blind optimist.

but, given as i have no control over all that's transpired...i asked God to throw me a bone, and He did. good real estate news the last week or so, and also, combined sg with the miaos to form a large sg with a diff structure. ideal? no. better? yes.

sometimes when you're so down you just don't want to play anymore, God gives you just enough to keep going. and enough is...well, it's enough. i don't feel lavished upon nor necessarily provided for or listened to (the operative word being feel - the disconnect between the God i know and the God i feel has been vast) - but there's enough of a reminder that i have not been forgotten. and for this moment, today, that is enough.

if then else

why am i such a programming moron? as hki would say..."are you sure you're an insinööri?" speaking of which, i need to catch up on my finnish. i bet i've already forgotten how to tell time.

i remember taking 1.00 (c++) for 3 weeks freshman year. i think orton wrote all my code for pset1 for me before i ended up dropping the class. (best decision i ever made). i had absolutely no desire to ever code anything.

my boss claims that there are no good books out there for vba, so i just have to "figure it out". i'm not really a fan.

there's one part of me that finds it kind of neat and somewhat satisfying to see a piece of code chunk out data. but the actual process of coding turns me off so much that i'd rather just calculate it myself. (of course we get into the realms where that becomes impossible...at which point i lament that they blocked gchat).

i find it ironic that computers are supposed to be logical, when in reality...they're literally black boxes. the IT person at help desk laughed the other day when we were discussing something that was wrong with my computer, and we couldn't figure it out. and i said "eh, well, i think it's just magic. if i wait long enough, it might just decide to work. who knows!" and by magic, i mean my computer is possessed.

in the name of jesus....compile!

ready for some fb

well the football tourney came and went. we came in 4th, which was good enough to make it to the tourn of champions, though i think we definitely could've done better.

we always come out flat - last year we lost horribly in our first game, something like 21-0. this year we lost horribly in our first game (to the team we beat by 5 td's last year) something like 21-7. i know i played horribly. perhaps the curse of the first match is true for every sport.

i have to say, i knew that gnny would end up being good. and it's kind of funny because i remember last year, when i was debating what church to go to - from a football standpoint, i felt drawn to gnny. it was new, raw, and they would lose badly that first season. but i could see it in the coaches and the girls - they didn't know what they were doing, but they loved it, and they were having a great time. they would improve, they would get deeper, and one day they would be good. i didn't expect it to come this quickly, but hats off to them.

i don't doubt that God wanted me to be at joy. and maybe all this football stuff puts into perspective why you choose a church. i love playing football, and though i know that if i'd joined gnny, i'd be used to my fuller potential and have been able to lead and participate more in shaping the ministry...i guess that's not the best reason to choose a church.

i really do love our pastors and i learn a lot each sunday. i think that's important to me - that balance of respecting them and feeling like i have something to learn, but also having a relationship with them where they know who i am and i can talk to them. hard to find, and i'm glad i've found it. and getting into ministry has been fairly autonomous in terms of being as involved as i want to be. i think that's important FOR me. so all in all, i think joy is where i'm supposed to be. even if it means schlepping myself hours to get out to jersey for football practices and feeling confined to a pre-existing team without room to move.

the day got better as it went on, though. beating gcc by a huge margin felt really good - the one team i'd never beaten in all the years at either church. i still think our team has so much potential. we're so on or off, it's really a question mark as to how any given game will turn out. but i really do think we have the talent and the technical...if only we could put it together and keep things tight.

i really appreciate when people come to cheer for the team. i think more than anythign else - that kind of support is how i receive encouragement and affirmation best. i wonder if that's a love language.

on another note, i've really been enjoying the dominance of the saints and colts this season. brees is giving some competition to peyton as my fav qb. not to be a bandwagon fan - bc again, i don't really follow a team - but it's just good football. and esp for the saints, as a team that's sort of an underdog in having such a good record, i can't help but root for them. i think it'd mean so much to them if they went all the way.

books and he's just not that into you

i've been reading a lot lately - i'm not sure when this came about and what possessed me to actually get to the ends of books (i'm notorious for starting and not finishing books), but it's been nice. i haven't been this into books since i was in elementary school. 6th grade, in fact, which was right about when i discovered math. actually, i think i can pinpoint my turn from the joy of reading to starting kumon.

for some reason, i appear to be the only kid that ever liked kumon. i think it's because my teacher was awesome. mrchoi. i wonder what he's up to now.

regardless - i just finished this book called the_overachievers. fascinating yet entertaining insight into the overachiever culture created amongst teens in america - and basically, how our parents screw us up. i feel like she could have written a character about me, though i feel that sort of stress caught up with me later in life.

when i look at these high school kids go crazy and try to help them deal with it, i just don't remember high school being that hard. either because things were easier back then, or kids are more dramatic now, or parents are pushing their kids beyond their potential (not uncommon), or...because MIT whooped my butt so badly i don't remember anything else as having been difficult.

but this book was well-researched and brought up a lot of flaws and potential ... not solutions ... but suggestions to alleviate the ridiculousness that exists today. thoroughly enjoyed it. gave me a springboard for my book in progress.

anyways. i'm very close to finishing the_tipping_point and about halfway through blink.

i think there should be an asian_american_christian version of "he's just not that into you". in fact, i'll start here.

-he's just not that into you if you lead a small group and he doesn't join your group

-he's just not that into you if you invite him to come watch your game and he doesn't come.

this list will be ongoing. this could get interesting.

sigh

i wonder if i should name my tlc "non members". no current members signed up for my group. zero manpower. ZERO. though to be fair, i myself am not yet a member of our church. (this time it's bc i could never make it to membership class the last few times it was offered - not because i didn't want to). but seriously.

i told them from the beginning that the model of just letting people sign up for groups would have x-factors in terms of distribution. perhaps i knew that my group would be the one to get screwed. regardless. and as far as i can tell there aren't any guys, which is only going to make it more awkward when new people come because no guys are going to want to be in a group of girls (heck, i'm not even comfortable being in a group of girls).

seriously God. throw me a bone here. please?

the funk continues

so the birthday came and went. i have to say my fb page never felt so popular, nor did my inbox. yet at the same time, it was strangely lonely. as someone put it when i dragged myself out to football ... what are you doing here? you should be out partying with your friends.

which led me to this question - who are my friends? i mean, of course i have friends. i'm not a loner by any means. and i'd go so far as to say i have good friends. perhaps the issue is that i have too many circles of friends, and am spread too thin to really spend adequate time with any of them, or say i have a primary group of friends. maybe because i don't have a best friend.

when it came down to it ... what did i do for my birthday dinner? ordered from saigon, ate it while watching reruns of friends. it's not like i was sitting at home lamenting, i enjoyed myself just fine. but it does sound rather pathetic.

perhaps that is the root of loneliness in life - knowing that you don't have an advocate. whether it be a significant other, a best friend, a sibling, a protective older or a younger that looks up to you - maybe the age old "take care of yourself because no one else will ever take care of you" is true. it's not to say i haven't been taken care of by people over the years, in different capacities. i think it's just that counting on it gets into a mess of disappointment.

one thing that was nice about dating was that there was always that go-to person that you could call, or who would call you, just because. i mean, that's always going to be true of my parents, but let's face it, the desire to talk to them is typically less than zero, and conversations end up pretty much the same.

i had this thought the other day - if i just accepted that fact that i would be single forever, how would that change how i lived my life? now, this is drawn more from my lack of faith and significant discouragement-mixed-with-defeat (which i admit is terrible, but just being honest) than any sort of conviction at all (i have none) that i'm called to or desire to be single. but in the interest of just not being so tired in hoping for better, i wondered, maybe this is all there is.

29, please don't suck

well. so 29 is upon us. and by us i mean me.

once again election day comes to steal my thunder. (which is supremely ironic since i don't vote and adamantly avoid politics).

i just realized this morning that i have this really odd habit. when i wake up in the morning, the first thing i do is hit the snooze and look at the time. (that's normal). then i think back to last night and try to remember what time i fell asleep. not went to bed. fell asleep. so sometimes that involves figuring out what time i crawled up into the loft, and estimating how long it took me to pass out.

i've been noticing for awhile that i do this, but i just figured out why. based on those numbers and how much sleep i got - i tell myself whether it's reasonable for me to feel tired or not. granted, i almost never have the luxury of waking up without an alarm, and just lying in bed comfortably. so in general, i'll always wake up tired. but i want to know whether i'm justified to feel tired, or whether i just need to suck it up because i really shouldn't be.

boy is my mind messed up. but i guess that's kind of how i operate - usually when i get upset at someone or about something, i'll relay the situation to a friend and ask if it's reasonable for me to be upset. and if they validate - then i'll be upset. like, REALLY upset. but then if they don't, i have to think about it and how to suck it up. it's weird. but i guess it prevents some meltdowns.

anyways.

i would have treated myself to a day off of work today, if not for the fact that my boss wanted to take me out to lunch. otherwise my birthday plans are ... work. hand therapy. fball prac. actually, i would have skipped fball today if not for the fact that it's the last practice and attendance affects playing time.

why am i such a grandma??

though ironically the best birthday i had in recent memory (or perhaps overall) was 27 - when the football tourney fell on my birthday. again, great team, great coaches, great times. have never felt more loved or thrived so much in being myself. which is quite the opposite of the environment impending, but what can you do.

anyways.

sab asked me last night when the camp was. i bet i missed the deadline to apply for the wildcard spot. he asked me if i wasn't interested. i didn't know.

as 29 hits me i find myself completely lost because...i don't have any goals. the goals that i've held onto all these years athletically and personally - well, i could renew them, i suppose. but i don't know if i want to. part of me definitely does. but the other part of me is tired of being defeated and disappointed.

i've always been too stubborn to be a quitter but...being stubborn takes a lot of effort. waving the white flag...well it sucks. but i'm just so tired. i would love to give it another shot. i miss training hard, training with sab, and i think i'm still getting better. but i just can't take heartbreak one more time. at some point, after you lose in every way imaginable - you'd think you'd go numb but it just gets worse.

so then what?

work doesn't entice me, professional goals aren't appealing, and i have a disappointingly meager amount of faith that i'll actually meet mr_right.

all in all - i think i'm averse to making, upholding, or even believing in goals looking forward because...i'm tired of falling short, being disappointed, and i'm REALLY tired of being in the emergency room.

but i'm inherently goal-oriented. so in getting through the day to day, feeling drained by people and demands and finding the best moments of my day reading on the train or watching sportscenter by myself at night (which will become less entertaining as football season draws to a close, since i have no interest in basketball)...something's gotta change. i need direction. i'm not comfortable sitting still, but i don't want to go anywhere.

what a thoroughly random post. i wonder if i've become an introvert.

29, please don't suck. pretty please.

good riddance, 28.

i need a vacation. i just want to ignore everyone, everything, and just stay in my apt and sleep. sleep until i can sleep no more. and then lie in bed and read a book. man, i need some prayer or something - this funk is killing me. as are the crazy parents (mine and the ones of the kids i tutor).

so i've been trying to detect what all this is. i was reading the tipping point recently and it had this whole section about why people smoke. as revolting as it is - it's basically a boost to your brain that makes you feel good. well for me that's endorphines. adrenaline. from working out, and working out hard.

it's been 4 months since i've been able to do that. 6-8, really, if i think about the last time i was trainig HARD. no wonder i'm so depressed lately - all i've been doing is sitting around. playing football, sure, but let's face it. that's recreational at best, and most of the time is spent standing around. except for tues conditioning practices - jdong is awesome.

i think this is the first year that i haven't really been looking forward to the fball tournament. if anything - i'm looking forward to it because then it'll be over. never thought i'd say that.

it's funny - despite the dissatisfaction with this or that, or the disappointments of this season (circumstances, personally, whatever) - i always loved to play. it's kind of like adambanks in mightyducks. when faced with a choice of having to leave the team he had always known and considered his teammates for a less developed team that didn't welcome him and not playing at all - he chose to play. "i just want to play hockey".

well, i just want to play football. but when your hand is busted, you lose your starting position, most of your closer friends don't come back this year and you're stuck with some people who just don't seem to like you even though you make efforts to cater to their (often unreasonable) personalities - well - sometimes you just don't want to play. or maybe i just don't feel like a part of the team this year, and fball being such a team sport...it makes it no fun.

times like this i miss thrillers so much. and i know that it was a good thing they disbanded it, and that it was the last straw i needed to finally cut the cord and move on to another church. and i know that joy is the church God wants me to be at right now. but it doesn't make it any easier. those were the best times. much like many memories of being fully accepted, putting my heart out there and into people, and thriving in watching people grow, in growing myself.

as i approach another birthday i wonder...have the best times just all been had? does it ever get better? i decided to stop looking at 29 with dread, or as a reminder of how all the things i had wanted to accomplish in my life up until this point - have been shot down by the wayside.

but in a way - i'm glad it will be a new year. because i'm ready to put 28 behind me. the suckiest year by far, i don't want to jinx myself by saying it couldn't get any worse - but it's been pretty bad. and i hope more than anything else...that the worst is over.