I have found the single most annoying thing about NYC. It trumps my disdain for NY drivers (read: cabs), the disgusting rat race that parents put their poor children through to get into kindergarten (read: snotty private schools), the MTA (read: strike), and even the weather (read: cold).
Tourists.
How quickly I've forgotten since my move uptown just how awful it was living in Times Square. And when I say I lived in Times Square, I mean I was on 44th between 6th and 7th - a few buildings down from Toys R' Us, which is where all the bright lights converge. While it was conveniently central and close to every subway...it was the most congested and clausterophobic atmosphere I've ever been in.
Wading through the crowds was ridiculous - people would stand in the middle of the sidewalk, camcorders in hand, taking pictures so you were constantly trying not to walk in front of cameras...I bet I'm in the background (or walking in front of) hundreds of tourists' pictures.
I decided to forego Pat's loft party, thinking I was going to go to this thing my church was doing. However, by the time I got around to leaving my apt, it was already 9pm. The location being 42nd and 12th didn't seem too promising, since Times Square is quite possibly the most crowded and ridiculous place to be on Dec. 31st...but no, that's old and crusty sparky talking, so I made myself not give in to laziness and get out of the apt. Thus began my New Year's Eve 2005 Trek.
I took the train down to 42nd, and the barricades and herding began - the NYPD had it set up so that most streets were blocked off and there was really only one path you could take from any particular location. I found myself on 6th ave somewhere in the 30's before I asked a cop what the best way was for me to get to 42nd and 12th. He tells me to go back up, and cut across at 45th, where they were letting people through.
Now I'm thinking - I used to live around there....45th street is the heart of Times Sq and bound to be overflowing with people. There is no way this is going to happen. But being pushed by the crowds and not seeing much other alternative...and trusting this cop...I went up 6th ave.
It was a bit nostalgic, since I passed by Bryant Park with all the decorations and such that I saw every day when I lived around there. But the throngs of tourists with noisemakers blaring in my ear quickly dispelled that. So as I thought, 45th was blocked off...the cop there said the next possible entrance was 53rd.
So I walked up to 53rd - blocked off. The next cop said 59th.
So I walk up to 59th - and it's a standstill. It was one thing when the roads were blocked and all you could do was move forwards with everyone else. Now I was stuck on the street with hundreds of strangers (who were still blaring those noisemakers) at 10:30pm - NOT MOVING. At this point, I'm thinking, if I ever get across this street, i'm 17 city blocks (almost a mile) and 6 avenues (what, 2 miles?) away from my destination. (Assuming that 20 city blocks is a mile). At this rate, I wasn't going to make it by midnight...heck, I wasn't even budging for the last 10 minutes.
Eventually the cops directed the traffic of cars, people, and horses (yes, horses) and I made it across the street. So I turned left and proceeded to make my way west - which was even more stop and go. At this point, people were trying to get INTO Times Sq for the New Year's madness (which I must say...by the time you're at Columbus Circle, you're no longer in Times Sq...) so the cops were stopping everyone every 10 ft to check jackets and bags.
There was a father in front of me with what appeared to be a 12ish year old boy. They weren't very fast with moving their feet. So consequently at one of the checkpoints when the police let people through - we were held up because they were walking too slow, and ended up not getting to cross. I'll admit - I was annoyed. (Heck I've been annoyed all night). But honestly - what are you going to do about it? Them not crossing was going to add another, what, 5 minutes to the fact that I'm not going to make it to my destination? Eh, not worth it, let someone enjoy their holiday, it's not their fault they walk too slowly or they're not aggressive in crowds. They're probably from the Midwest or somewhere where people are considerate and stop and smell the roses.
And then the guy behind me, who's been grumbling to himself about this whole process, suddenly flips out at these people. And being sandwiched in between them, I don't think I'll ever forget the look of shock on this kid's face at being yelled at in public by a stranger for walking too slow. Poor kid. Welcome to New York.
It's like those people who honk in a traffic jam. You're not going anywhere. Honking isn't going to make the traffic move any faster. If you're stuck, you're stuck. Deal with it. Find a happy place. I think that's one of the themes that has repeated this year...being placed in circumstances beyond my control, and seeing that throwing a tantrum really doesn't accomplish anything in the grand scheme of progress. Easier said than done, and I hate the words "suck it up" because I hear them so often...but there it is.
I'd like to say that I was a good person and struck up conversation with people around me and enjoyed my New Year's Eve and brought some positive warmth to those around me. But no. It was a test of patience just to wade through that crowd and get myself to the 59th St. subway station, where I promptly found my refuge on a train back home.
The irony of this whole thing is that after all that careful thinking of how I wanted to spend my Dec. 31st and putting everything through my scheduling - I ended up sitting on my couch by myself watching "Friends" (couldn't stand any of those New Year's shows after having been there) and actually falling asleep before midnight even hit! Eesh. At least I got some good sleep and my hamstrings don't feel broken anymore. Gotta at least be thankful for the little things...
Saturday, December 31, 2005
help!!!
Desperate plea - PLEASE HELP ME!
My computer was killed and resurrected this past week. However, all of my iTunes files appear to have disappeared somehow. This isn't absolutely tragic (yet) because half of them were mp3 files on my hard drive (that I was able to back up) prior to being converted into iTunes. However, there were many more that were downloaded or imported and otherwise without a source that I currently have. I have no idea why this folder is empty, but...it is.
That being said - there is possible hope. I have all of the songs I had, currently on my iPod. Does anyone know if that is of any use to me and whether I can put these songs back on my hard drive? Shouldn't an iPod just be recognized as an external drive? I'm afraid to hook it up because it automatically updates the iPod to what iTunes has...which currently is NOTHING.
OK. That is my shameless online please. I would welcome any advice there would be...
My computer was killed and resurrected this past week. However, all of my iTunes files appear to have disappeared somehow. This isn't absolutely tragic (yet) because half of them were mp3 files on my hard drive (that I was able to back up) prior to being converted into iTunes. However, there were many more that were downloaded or imported and otherwise without a source that I currently have. I have no idea why this folder is empty, but...it is.
That being said - there is possible hope. I have all of the songs I had, currently on my iPod. Does anyone know if that is of any use to me and whether I can put these songs back on my hard drive? Shouldn't an iPod just be recognized as an external drive? I'm afraid to hook it up because it automatically updates the iPod to what iTunes has...which currently is NOTHING.
OK. That is my shameless online please. I would welcome any advice there would be...
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
it's about that time...
It's that time again. It happens once every...4 months or so. I'm working out, kicking hard, lungs exploding, getting smacked around by the paddle for dogging it...and in the height of tiredness we inevitably we switch to some drill involving back kicks. Lots of them. In a row.
OK I'm being dramatic, we didn't even do that many yesterday. But they do require twice as much energy as, say, a turning kick.
Normally I love back kicks. Especially these days when it hurts so much to kick with the top of my foot, it's nice to do something that doesn't hurt every time you make contact. And there is something so satisfying about hitting a good one.
So I jump, throw my leg out...
and my ponytail hits me in the face.
The sign has come. It's time for a haircut.
OK I'm being dramatic, we didn't even do that many yesterday. But they do require twice as much energy as, say, a turning kick.
Normally I love back kicks. Especially these days when it hurts so much to kick with the top of my foot, it's nice to do something that doesn't hurt every time you make contact. And there is something so satisfying about hitting a good one.
So I jump, throw my leg out...
and my ponytail hits me in the face.
The sign has come. It's time for a haircut.
Monday, December 26, 2005
still
Still - Hillsongs
Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father You are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust
I've been really convicted by worship lately - it's one of the things that's been so refreshing about RWC. Funny, because the first few weeks there, I had such a hard time adjusting. As my throat would go dry I'd look at my watch and think "it's been an hour...and they're STILL singing!" Haha, yes, it's praise-night-esque every Sunday and I've grown to love it...but at the time I didn't know most of the songs so it seemed to last forever.
However, God's been telling me something through that initial discomfort. When you've been singing the same songs for a long time, and know them backwards and forwards, melodies and harmonies...it's really easy to go into auto-pilot during worship. You sing, you clap, but after awhile you don't notice the words anymore. In my utter ignorance of all the songs we sing at my new(ish) church, I was forced to just listen - and in listening I heard God speaking. (Go figure, eh?)
Dictionary.com defines 'soar' as: "To rise, fly, or glide high and with little apparent effort." For all the efforts I've put in to overcome obstacles, face challenges and meet goals - and for all the times that it just hasn't been enough - it's absolutely flooring to think that God enables you to soar. There's something so free and glorious about the thought of soaring above a storm, where not only is that which you fear unable to affect you, but you're rising above it effortlessly.
It reminds me of Toy Story, when Buzz and Woody are trying to get to the moving truck by launching themselves off a rocket. Buzz hangs onto Woody, his wings pop out, and for a brief moment, Woody's demeanor changes from sheer panic to a laugh that overtakes him in the pleasure of realizing that he's flying. He sticks his arms out, and shouts out "to infinity...and beyond!" That was the turning point in Woody's character, as the day when the uptight cowboy learned how to enjoy the impossible, and let himself be free.
It's almost a process of freeing yourself from...yourself. Trusting that someone else is going to carry you and not drop you to your doom. Where all you have to do is enjoy the ride...and in fact, delight in it.
That all sounds well and good but when you think about implementation - it's so not.
Anyone who knows me well knows that I just can't stay still - my coworkers even make fun of my tendency to sway, shift my weight from leg to leg, swivel my chair, twiddle my thumbs - SOMETHING will inevitably keep me moving. (Little do they know all these things are ways I try to stay awake in meetings...) When I was in college, pkkim told me once in the height of my stressed out busy-ness that I should take 30 minutes every night, go up to the roof of my dorm, and do nothing. To which I responded with an incredulous "where am I going to get 30 minutes?!?!"
Haha...silly sparky. Even now, years later, I'm still challenged in taking time to rest, and to "be still and know I am God"
Particularly in my time at home and doing the rounds of greetings at church these last couple days...I realize that to many, I am defined by my accomplishments. They know me because I went to a good school, because I've won things, because I can speak Korean...whatever it is that they value, that is predominantly why they want to talk to me. I'm proud of the things I've done...but especially these days, I see that that doesn't make me who I am.
When I was on staff, one of the kids on my fsgl team used to always say "we're human beings, not human doings". I revisit this realization periodically, particularly in those moments few and far between of rest. And especially when I get caught up in everything I have to do and am overwhelmed at the impossible...God tells me most clearly to just...be.
Thanks, Timo, for the song.
Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father You are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust
I've been really convicted by worship lately - it's one of the things that's been so refreshing about RWC. Funny, because the first few weeks there, I had such a hard time adjusting. As my throat would go dry I'd look at my watch and think "it's been an hour...and they're STILL singing!" Haha, yes, it's praise-night-esque every Sunday and I've grown to love it...but at the time I didn't know most of the songs so it seemed to last forever.
However, God's been telling me something through that initial discomfort. When you've been singing the same songs for a long time, and know them backwards and forwards, melodies and harmonies...it's really easy to go into auto-pilot during worship. You sing, you clap, but after awhile you don't notice the words anymore. In my utter ignorance of all the songs we sing at my new(ish) church, I was forced to just listen - and in listening I heard God speaking. (Go figure, eh?)
Dictionary.com defines 'soar' as: "To rise, fly, or glide high and with little apparent effort." For all the efforts I've put in to overcome obstacles, face challenges and meet goals - and for all the times that it just hasn't been enough - it's absolutely flooring to think that God enables you to soar. There's something so free and glorious about the thought of soaring above a storm, where not only is that which you fear unable to affect you, but you're rising above it effortlessly.
It reminds me of Toy Story, when Buzz and Woody are trying to get to the moving truck by launching themselves off a rocket. Buzz hangs onto Woody, his wings pop out, and for a brief moment, Woody's demeanor changes from sheer panic to a laugh that overtakes him in the pleasure of realizing that he's flying. He sticks his arms out, and shouts out "to infinity...and beyond!" That was the turning point in Woody's character, as the day when the uptight cowboy learned how to enjoy the impossible, and let himself be free.
It's almost a process of freeing yourself from...yourself. Trusting that someone else is going to carry you and not drop you to your doom. Where all you have to do is enjoy the ride...and in fact, delight in it.
That all sounds well and good but when you think about implementation - it's so not.
Anyone who knows me well knows that I just can't stay still - my coworkers even make fun of my tendency to sway, shift my weight from leg to leg, swivel my chair, twiddle my thumbs - SOMETHING will inevitably keep me moving. (Little do they know all these things are ways I try to stay awake in meetings...) When I was in college, pkkim told me once in the height of my stressed out busy-ness that I should take 30 minutes every night, go up to the roof of my dorm, and do nothing. To which I responded with an incredulous "where am I going to get 30 minutes?!?!"
Haha...silly sparky. Even now, years later, I'm still challenged in taking time to rest, and to "be still and know I am God"
Particularly in my time at home and doing the rounds of greetings at church these last couple days...I realize that to many, I am defined by my accomplishments. They know me because I went to a good school, because I've won things, because I can speak Korean...whatever it is that they value, that is predominantly why they want to talk to me. I'm proud of the things I've done...but especially these days, I see that that doesn't make me who I am.
When I was on staff, one of the kids on my fsgl team used to always say "we're human beings, not human doings". I revisit this realization periodically, particularly in those moments few and far between of rest. And especially when I get caught up in everything I have to do and am overwhelmed at the impossible...God tells me most clearly to just...be.
Thanks, Timo, for the song.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
good gifts part 2
In my (still unsuccessful quest) to find my brass rat (MIT class ring), I've turned every drawer and closet space in my room upside down. Anyone who has ever seen one of my dorm rooms or my apt know that...I have a gross amount of stuff because I never throw anything away. I'm far too sentimental for my own good sometimes.
In the midst of the unheaval, I've spent much time being nostalgic with the random stuff that comes up. Reading letters, examining old sticker collections, looking at pictures traded since elementary school...it all seems normal. And then once in awhile something pops up that really makes me think.
I was rummaging my desk drawer when I found a pewter cross necklace from Scotland. It's rather large and clunky, and frankly not that attractive. Bret got this for me one year, I forgot for what occasion. Maybe it was my birthday, maybe it was Christmas...but he went to Ireland and Scotland with his family, and this is the present he brought me.
Bret was not a Christian - not even close. He was so staunchly atheist, and downright enjoyed being pagan with his obsession with dragons, magic, and other such things in HS. But he was my buddy - the boyfriend of my best friend, by graduation he became one of my closest friends. And though he didn't share in any of my faith, he respected it and thought it was 'cool'.
I find it interesting how every cross necklace I've ever received has been a gift - and half of them from non-believers. (I just got another one for Christmas this year, from my Jewish family - but that's a topic for another time). Now to be honest, when Bret gave it to me, I was thinking..."what is this humongous hunk of metal, does he really think I'm going to wear this?" At the time I thought nothing of it, thanked him for it, and (apparently) put it in a drawer in my room and never really thought about it.
Until now.
Bret and I had kept in contact for a year or two in college then lost touch...he graduated from Bowdoin College and moved back to the Bay Area, where he pursued, at least in his free time, acting and directing plays. I hadn't heard anything about him in about 4 years until very recently when a bunch of my long lost high school friends contacted me.
Bret passed away this year at the age of 25.
He was driving home one night when a drunk driver swerved across the double yellow line, and to avoid him, Bret turned off the road and crashed into a tree. I was in New York when I heard, and was sadly unable to attend the funeral.
Bret was as loyal and genuine as a friend could be. Though he had a lot of anger in his teenage years, he also had a lot of love to give, and that he gave freely to his friends.
Everything someone gives me holds a memory and meaning, and that's why I hang onto every note and trinket that comes my way. This cross reminds me of how short life is, and how our lives are not even our own. Bret, I only regret that I didn't get to share more of Jesus with you while you were alive...though in high school I didn't even understand grace as I do now. I can only hope that whatever feeble seeds may have been planted in our friendship were watered and sown by someone else.
I'll be looking for you in heaven. Until then, I'll be looking at the cross. Thanks for the reminder of who I am.
In the midst of the unheaval, I've spent much time being nostalgic with the random stuff that comes up. Reading letters, examining old sticker collections, looking at pictures traded since elementary school...it all seems normal. And then once in awhile something pops up that really makes me think.
I was rummaging my desk drawer when I found a pewter cross necklace from Scotland. It's rather large and clunky, and frankly not that attractive. Bret got this for me one year, I forgot for what occasion. Maybe it was my birthday, maybe it was Christmas...but he went to Ireland and Scotland with his family, and this is the present he brought me.
Bret was not a Christian - not even close. He was so staunchly atheist, and downright enjoyed being pagan with his obsession with dragons, magic, and other such things in HS. But he was my buddy - the boyfriend of my best friend, by graduation he became one of my closest friends. And though he didn't share in any of my faith, he respected it and thought it was 'cool'.
I find it interesting how every cross necklace I've ever received has been a gift - and half of them from non-believers. (I just got another one for Christmas this year, from my Jewish family - but that's a topic for another time). Now to be honest, when Bret gave it to me, I was thinking..."what is this humongous hunk of metal, does he really think I'm going to wear this?" At the time I thought nothing of it, thanked him for it, and (apparently) put it in a drawer in my room and never really thought about it.
Until now.
Bret and I had kept in contact for a year or two in college then lost touch...he graduated from Bowdoin College and moved back to the Bay Area, where he pursued, at least in his free time, acting and directing plays. I hadn't heard anything about him in about 4 years until very recently when a bunch of my long lost high school friends contacted me.
Bret passed away this year at the age of 25.
He was driving home one night when a drunk driver swerved across the double yellow line, and to avoid him, Bret turned off the road and crashed into a tree. I was in New York when I heard, and was sadly unable to attend the funeral.
Bret was as loyal and genuine as a friend could be. Though he had a lot of anger in his teenage years, he also had a lot of love to give, and that he gave freely to his friends.
Everything someone gives me holds a memory and meaning, and that's why I hang onto every note and trinket that comes my way. This cross reminds me of how short life is, and how our lives are not even our own. Bret, I only regret that I didn't get to share more of Jesus with you while you were alive...though in high school I didn't even understand grace as I do now. I can only hope that whatever feeble seeds may have been planted in our friendship were watered and sown by someone else.
I'll be looking for you in heaven. Until then, I'll be looking at the cross. Thanks for the reminder of who I am.
wink!
Sydney's new trick: winking. Kids are kind of like dogs...you can train them to do stuff for your entertainment. I remember when Sammy was 2, my cousins would say "boo, Mets!" and she'd give 2 thumbs down. Or "Sammy, homie!" and she'd cross her arms and turn her cap backwards. Now that she's 6, she obviously doesn't do that anymore...but Syd's got her own tricks up her sleeve. Such a cute one...she gets such a kick out of that winking thing.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
would you like to stay forever?
Movie of the day: Mulan.
One of my favorite Disney movies (though that's not saying much because I generally love all things Disney). But this and Aladdin vie for the top of my list because they have the best one-liners. [If you haven't seen Mulan, or can't predict the predictable ending...stop reading here].
So after all is said and done, Mulan saves China, kills the evil Hun dude, overcomes the sexism of society...only to come back to her house and try to figure out how to approach her father about having run away from home to join the army (to save his life, no less!) I must say I resonated with the themes of woman with the Asian glass ceiling (hence, why I would never consider being an engineer in a Korean company).
"Father...I brought you the sword of Shan-Yu [evil Hun dude] and the crest of the emperor - gifts to honor the Fa family"
And somewhere in the background, her grandmother says "Great. She brings home a sword. If you ask me, she should've brought home a man. "
Haha, that movie depicts exactly what it's like every time I come home. It's inevitable. I could have saved the world from destruction, won a million titles, accomplished just about anything...and somebody will overlook all of that and fixate on whether I'm still single or not. Middle-aged Koreans have such a one-track mind.
My mom has this facial lady that she goes to, and every time I come home for vacation, she sends me there. Apparently this ahjumma has known me since I was little, she's an old family friend - so she thinks she knows me soooo well. Who knows, perhaps she does. Every year while she's putting gook (slimey lotion stuff, not soup) on my face and doing whatever else she does, she eventually gets around to:
"So did you bring home a boyfriend?"
And every year I tell her no. And she kind of harumphs to herself, talks about other stuff, and at the end when I leave she always says "next year, bring back some good news!"
This year was no different.
"So did you bring home a boyfriend this year?"
"Um...no"
"Oh, OK...well congratulations on the apt and winning Nationals"
"Um, thanks"
"Next year, bring back some good news!"
Silly ahjumma...haha. At least she acknowledged that the other things going on in my life weren't completely meaningless due to the absence of a man...though she probably thinks my priorities are all out of whack. Perhaps they are. I think they should all stop asking me and just pray harder...haha and it's not like my parents wouldn't spread the news far and wide should Mr. Right come along...I swear they just ask me to fill in conversation and think they're telling me something new.
Not particularly looking forward to the repeat of this scene at Christmas Eve service at church, but hey, that's all a part of being home. One more tick mark of why it's beneficial to stay on the East Coast. Haha I fear the day that I actually DO bring someone home...because it might just end up like the movie:
Shang: "Um, you forgot your helmet."
Mulan: "Would you like to stay for dinner?"
grandmother: "Would you like to stay forever?"
Gotta love that grandmother...haha. That's one part of that movie where they got the Asian stereotypes right.
One of my favorite Disney movies (though that's not saying much because I generally love all things Disney). But this and Aladdin vie for the top of my list because they have the best one-liners. [If you haven't seen Mulan, or can't predict the predictable ending...stop reading here].
So after all is said and done, Mulan saves China, kills the evil Hun dude, overcomes the sexism of society...only to come back to her house and try to figure out how to approach her father about having run away from home to join the army (to save his life, no less!) I must say I resonated with the themes of woman with the Asian glass ceiling (hence, why I would never consider being an engineer in a Korean company).
"Father...I brought you the sword of Shan-Yu [evil Hun dude] and the crest of the emperor - gifts to honor the Fa family"
And somewhere in the background, her grandmother says "Great. She brings home a sword. If you ask me, she should've brought home a man. "
Haha, that movie depicts exactly what it's like every time I come home. It's inevitable. I could have saved the world from destruction, won a million titles, accomplished just about anything...and somebody will overlook all of that and fixate on whether I'm still single or not. Middle-aged Koreans have such a one-track mind.
My mom has this facial lady that she goes to, and every time I come home for vacation, she sends me there. Apparently this ahjumma has known me since I was little, she's an old family friend - so she thinks she knows me soooo well. Who knows, perhaps she does. Every year while she's putting gook (slimey lotion stuff, not soup) on my face and doing whatever else she does, she eventually gets around to:
"So did you bring home a boyfriend?"
And every year I tell her no. And she kind of harumphs to herself, talks about other stuff, and at the end when I leave she always says "next year, bring back some good news!"
This year was no different.
"So did you bring home a boyfriend this year?"
"Um...no"
"Oh, OK...well congratulations on the apt and winning Nationals"
"Um, thanks"
"Next year, bring back some good news!"
Silly ahjumma...haha. At least she acknowledged that the other things going on in my life weren't completely meaningless due to the absence of a man...though she probably thinks my priorities are all out of whack. Perhaps they are. I think they should all stop asking me and just pray harder...haha and it's not like my parents wouldn't spread the news far and wide should Mr. Right come along...I swear they just ask me to fill in conversation and think they're telling me something new.
Not particularly looking forward to the repeat of this scene at Christmas Eve service at church, but hey, that's all a part of being home. One more tick mark of why it's beneficial to stay on the East Coast. Haha I fear the day that I actually DO bring someone home...because it might just end up like the movie:
Shang: "Um, you forgot your helmet."
Mulan: "Would you like to stay for dinner?"
grandmother: "Would you like to stay forever?"
Gotta love that grandmother...haha. That's one part of that movie where they got the Asian stereotypes right.
NY vs. CA
After <24 hrs - observed differences between NY and CA:
1) In NY I dug my car out of the snow in sub-zero temperatures. In CA I drove through a monsoon, but it was 65 degrees.
2) In CA, people signal when changing lanes. After driving for 2.5 weeks in NY, I got used to the abrupt switching of lanes without signalling - both from the people around me (ie. cabs) and myself. That stuff doesn't fly here.
3) Even though it's supposed to be illegal to honk in NYC - people do it anyways. I think the number of times I've honked my horn before moving to NY could be counted on one hand. In fact, I'd say I was honk-averse - even in an emergency I'd get my hand to the horn and then stop right when I was about to blare it. Well - so much for THAT. The urge to honk at super slow people today was insane. I repent of my impatience...
4) In CA, you can feed meters with dimes and nickels as well as quarters. I totally forgot about that. What a great way to get rid of change.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I'm becoming a New Yorker. God help us all...
1) In NY I dug my car out of the snow in sub-zero temperatures. In CA I drove through a monsoon, but it was 65 degrees.
2) In CA, people signal when changing lanes. After driving for 2.5 weeks in NY, I got used to the abrupt switching of lanes without signalling - both from the people around me (ie. cabs) and myself. That stuff doesn't fly here.
3) Even though it's supposed to be illegal to honk in NYC - people do it anyways. I think the number of times I've honked my horn before moving to NY could be counted on one hand. In fact, I'd say I was honk-averse - even in an emergency I'd get my hand to the horn and then stop right when I was about to blare it. Well - so much for THAT. The urge to honk at super slow people today was insane. I repent of my impatience...
4) In CA, you can feed meters with dimes and nickels as well as quarters. I totally forgot about that. What a great way to get rid of change.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I'm becoming a New Yorker. God help us all...
good gifts
Gosh I love Christmas. In all its commercial glory, even, I love this time of year. And I probably blogged the same thing around this time last year, but...I love having an excuse to give people gifts. I actually like going out and wandering and trying to come up with the 'perfect' gift...it's a challenge! Because when you find it, it's so satisfying...and when they open it and realize that someone thought of them, there's a certain type of smile that comes over their faces that just makes my Christmas.
This Christmas (or Hannukah, as my Jewish family has inducted me into) has been pretty successful. The highlight was definitely Scottie, my 13 year old TKD student (and Jewish little bro). I've known Scott for a few years now, since he was that 55 lb shy little 10 yo red belt with glasses. The past year of being his coach and having been inducted into their family (I'm not kidding about the Jewish mother - I really do have one) has been really awesome. It's interesting when you see kids grow up, especially when they hit their teen years. I feel like I've spent the last year watching him outgrow his doboks and shoes, outgrow the way he used to giggle uncontrollably, and try to grow into being 'cool' and listening to more 'grown up' music and dressing with more 'style'.
Among his billion other sports, Scott plays soccer, and spent most of the summer in this soccer camp. I happened to be in a Nike store earlier this year, and found this USA soccer workout jersey thing that I thought would be perfect for him. Now the only problem was, he's been growing like crazy this year. So the tragedy of buying gifts way in advance for a 13 year old boy is...one massive growth spurt and I'm sunk.
So last week at Sue's suggestion, we did the whole exchanging of presents. When Scott opened his present, his eyes totally bugged out. He immediately tried to contain his excitement, and wanting to let him be 'cool' I accepted his thank you and went downstairs to change into my dobok for his lesson.
When I came back up and started getting pads together, I was suddenly barrelled over by this blond ball in a massive hug and a "thank you for my present!!" The look on his face when I told him that for one day, he could train in his new jersey instead of his dobok top was priceless. And thankfully, it was still a little big on him...he'll outgrow it soon enough, I'm sure.
I love the fact that even though he's growing up, I can occasionally get the inner Scottie to come out and giggle and hug voluntarily once in awhile. I know that as he gets older it's going fade away, and he'll become less and less affectionate...gosh, the day that Derek outgrows hugs and Dyl and Daniel outgrow 뽀뽀's, I'm going to be devastated. All my little bros are growing up so fast...man, boys and girls are so vastly different in their affections as they grow older. When does it become 'uncool' for boys to be affectionate?
Well, for as long as I have them, it's so nice to see the refreshing innocence of children who express what they feel right when they feel it. And there's nothing like a good present over the holidays to bring out a smile. This time of year, I feel like I see God's heart a little more clearly...how He delights in giving us good things, and how cool it would be to just barrel God over in a big hug when He provides.
11If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 12So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. -Matthew 7:11-12
This Christmas (or Hannukah, as my Jewish family has inducted me into) has been pretty successful. The highlight was definitely Scottie, my 13 year old TKD student (and Jewish little bro). I've known Scott for a few years now, since he was that 55 lb shy little 10 yo red belt with glasses. The past year of being his coach and having been inducted into their family (I'm not kidding about the Jewish mother - I really do have one) has been really awesome. It's interesting when you see kids grow up, especially when they hit their teen years. I feel like I've spent the last year watching him outgrow his doboks and shoes, outgrow the way he used to giggle uncontrollably, and try to grow into being 'cool' and listening to more 'grown up' music and dressing with more 'style'.
Among his billion other sports, Scott plays soccer, and spent most of the summer in this soccer camp. I happened to be in a Nike store earlier this year, and found this USA soccer workout jersey thing that I thought would be perfect for him. Now the only problem was, he's been growing like crazy this year. So the tragedy of buying gifts way in advance for a 13 year old boy is...one massive growth spurt and I'm sunk.
So last week at Sue's suggestion, we did the whole exchanging of presents. When Scott opened his present, his eyes totally bugged out. He immediately tried to contain his excitement, and wanting to let him be 'cool' I accepted his thank you and went downstairs to change into my dobok for his lesson.
When I came back up and started getting pads together, I was suddenly barrelled over by this blond ball in a massive hug and a "thank you for my present!!" The look on his face when I told him that for one day, he could train in his new jersey instead of his dobok top was priceless. And thankfully, it was still a little big on him...he'll outgrow it soon enough, I'm sure.
I love the fact that even though he's growing up, I can occasionally get the inner Scottie to come out and giggle and hug voluntarily once in awhile. I know that as he gets older it's going fade away, and he'll become less and less affectionate...gosh, the day that Derek outgrows hugs and Dyl and Daniel outgrow 뽀뽀's, I'm going to be devastated. All my little bros are growing up so fast...man, boys and girls are so vastly different in their affections as they grow older. When does it become 'uncool' for boys to be affectionate?
Well, for as long as I have them, it's so nice to see the refreshing innocence of children who express what they feel right when they feel it. And there's nothing like a good present over the holidays to bring out a smile. This time of year, I feel like I see God's heart a little more clearly...how He delights in giving us good things, and how cool it would be to just barrel God over in a big hug when He provides.
11If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 12So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. -Matthew 7:11-12
johnzok's center stage theory
Oh my goodness. This was too funny to pass up, and I'm not adept enough to know how to link a specific entry off of someone else's blog so I'm copy-pasting. Johnzok has the craziest theories...but they're so true.
***********
Some interesting comments regarding the "Ladder Theory". I love how people love to "Comment Chime" They take an entry, flip and reverse it, remix it to their own tastes. It's all good. Just keep it to a reasonable length. Don't write another entry on my comments section. It subtracts from my "comment" friendliness. I don't care about eprops... but I care about comments. That's why I do this thing... always fun to listen to what people have to say about my stupid musings.
Without further ado....
Dr. Luv Presents :
The Center Stage Theory
I believe the our desire to find Mr./Mrs. potential begins with infatuation and ends with that very infatuation burning out, or it fanning into a fiery passion (duh... thanks Mr. Obvious). If the infatuation incubates beyond the "maybe" period, we focus all of our kwan, chi, Jedi mind tricks, pimp juice on the Muse at hand wishing for the feelings to be reciprocated. This is why I have a problem with the ladder theory. Once we're locked in, we're not looking at auxiliary options.
The Center Stage Theory predicates that a invidual's lust for love, can be illustrated by an empty stage. We are all simply casting directors looking for the star of our play... our play being the "Love life of _______ (<- insert your name here)". It's open auditions, and almost anyone can try out... but only few will make the cut. Roles are specifically catered to one's desires. For instance, if you're casting for a Korean female, under the height of 5'4, with huge calves... obviously a 5'10 wafer model won't have a chance. Take no offense, it's just the rules of the game. There are swarms of theaters with roles you were born to star in.
Anyways, to get the title role you must first obtain the right to get on "Center Stage". It's a bit of luck, a lot of timing, but if you ever find yourself there.. make the best of it. It's your chance to shine (literally).
Obviously, guys and gals have different ways of finding their Center Stage Star.
Men : Spotlight
I'm going to get to the point. Guys don't make lists. We dont' make lists for anything aside from Fantasy Sports draft picks. We're too simple and lazy for all that. That is why we have one single spotlight to do all the searching for us.
Our stage is huge (bigger than women's), but it's pitch black dark. Women are incapable of emitting any kind of light on their own (accept for Superstars, but more on that later). The spotlight light is constantly searching, hawking for new prey. It's like the eye of Sauron. Endlessly looking for "the one". The one who will eventually carry our ring, the one to rule them all.
Women have mere seconds to leave a lasting impression, or will have to torturously wait for the next passing of the light. But once a female catches the light, the light will shine gloriously upon her, and her alone. Every thing else will fade to black. This is why there is no friend or non-friend category. Because in the end, it's all the same. The spotlight can/will eventually fall on friends as well. That is if it goes long enough without finding a subject to study.
The spotlight comes with intense pressure. It is a double edge sword. On one hand it magnifies all the positive traits, but providing a beautiful ray of light that engulfs the Muse at hand in a angelic hue. It's not all peaches though, because the spotlight also exposes terrible traits that will discourage the man from seeking the girl... things like Princess Pimples, Selfish Skin, Bitter Bruises, Materialistic Mustache.... etc.
You are treated like a star under the bright spotlight. The guy will treat you like a queen. You will receive all his attention, and will continue to do so.... until.... You start to date. (Then you have to compete with things like Mr. Comfortable, and Mr. Take for Granted) or the spotlight moves on to the next candidate.
Caveats to tie some loose ends :
1. Womanizers, Cheaters, Wandering Eye : These are men that have a screw loose in their spotlight. That's why they can't remain fixed on a individual. Soon or later, they will swivel, they will catch a glimpse of someone else.. and the light will slowly fade. Beware of these individuals. Or bring a screwdriver.
2. Superstars : Once in a while Superstars will come and go throughout one's stage. They are individuals that can generate their own light, and will demand all men's attention. (Think Kelly Kapowski on Save by the Bell.) Men will flock to them, but few will stay, due to their ability to outshine the spotlight... most of the time it's too much to handle. They also come with incredible baggage, since they have a long list of admirers.
Women : Candles
Women's stages are a bit more sophisticated, and more upscale. There are a limited amount of people that can vie for the coveted "Center Stage". Even to get on stage is a difficult task, and to move in to the Center takes time, and a lot of work. There is no spotlight for women, instead everyone on stage is holding a candle. They take time to view everyone on stage and replace those that are burning out with new candle bearers. They are not constantly' searching like the spotlight. Instead it is a controlled, more calculating survey of options.
And yes, some are bigger than others, some burn brighter. Eventually, one will catch the eye of the female and will have a opportunity to move to the center of the stage. Until the Candle burns out, they must do their best to impress the girl. The soft light form the Candle helps men hide their weakness, and radiate warm affectionate sparks. But on the other hand, it can cast ugly shadows that make the men look like hideous monsters. It's just like the spotlight, either you shine, or melt away. Either way, make it worthwhile.
Guys that are very attractive, mysterious, and unique burn very brightly once they encounter step on the stage. However, their wick is short. As the novelty of their mysterious factor subsides, they will quickly be dismissed if they cannot obtain the right to be on center stage. If they cannot burn for the long haul, this weakness will be quickly exposed.
Guys that are considered "friends" have very small candles that admit a very faint light. Women will quickly dismiss the possibility of these men securing a chance to be on center stage, yet they will still linger around on stage. Why? Well they're friends and they're safe. These guys have long long long wicks. They are marathon guys. They usually win the prize by outlasting the other candles. They burn soft, but they can burn for a long time. If the girl eventually loses candidate after another, the "friend" will be the only one standing... patience.
Caveats to tie loose ends:
1.Pyros : There are some women that love playing with fire. They will put out a candle just for fun, light it up again, only to blow it out again. These are the man eater types that ruin men's lives. If you're on a Pyro's stage, jump off. Melt. Become hair wax or something. Get outta there.
2.Trick Candles : Some guys won't leave girls alone. No matter how hard the women tries to get rid of them. They can't blow these suckers out. Hanging around... Hangingggg aaaarrround.... These guys aren't necessarily bad, I've known some guys who've just outlasted some girls into dating them. And continue to be good boyfriends to them. But ladies, if you find one... only way to get rid of them is to throw them out. Don't try to gently blow them out. It'll never work. Or get ready for a war of attrition. Beat them at video games or arm wrestling... that usually does it.
I'm done for now... wow this took forever. I'm such a gaymo. I'm so Fierce. I leave you to tear it apart.
Oh and please no comments about "You're wrong about this one sentence in your entry, b/c I know someone..." I know I know. This is just a theory, a hypothesis. It ain't a law. So please, it's a light hearted attempt at trying to capture one of the most complex issues in the world. It's for kicks. Don't take it too seriously. If you do, you're fierce.
My Spotlight's off. Good luck to the rest of you.
***********
Some interesting comments regarding the "Ladder Theory". I love how people love to "Comment Chime" They take an entry, flip and reverse it, remix it to their own tastes. It's all good. Just keep it to a reasonable length. Don't write another entry on my comments section. It subtracts from my "comment" friendliness. I don't care about eprops... but I care about comments. That's why I do this thing... always fun to listen to what people have to say about my stupid musings.
Without further ado....
Dr. Luv Presents :
The Center Stage Theory
I believe the our desire to find Mr./Mrs. potential begins with infatuation and ends with that very infatuation burning out, or it fanning into a fiery passion (duh... thanks Mr. Obvious). If the infatuation incubates beyond the "maybe" period, we focus all of our kwan, chi, Jedi mind tricks, pimp juice on the Muse at hand wishing for the feelings to be reciprocated. This is why I have a problem with the ladder theory. Once we're locked in, we're not looking at auxiliary options.
The Center Stage Theory predicates that a invidual's lust for love, can be illustrated by an empty stage. We are all simply casting directors looking for the star of our play... our play being the "Love life of _______ (<- insert your name here)". It's open auditions, and almost anyone can try out... but only few will make the cut. Roles are specifically catered to one's desires. For instance, if you're casting for a Korean female, under the height of 5'4, with huge calves... obviously a 5'10 wafer model won't have a chance. Take no offense, it's just the rules of the game. There are swarms of theaters with roles you were born to star in.
Anyways, to get the title role you must first obtain the right to get on "Center Stage". It's a bit of luck, a lot of timing, but if you ever find yourself there.. make the best of it. It's your chance to shine (literally).
Obviously, guys and gals have different ways of finding their Center Stage Star.
Men : Spotlight
I'm going to get to the point. Guys don't make lists. We dont' make lists for anything aside from Fantasy Sports draft picks. We're too simple and lazy for all that. That is why we have one single spotlight to do all the searching for us.
Our stage is huge (bigger than women's), but it's pitch black dark. Women are incapable of emitting any kind of light on their own (accept for Superstars, but more on that later). The spotlight light is constantly searching, hawking for new prey. It's like the eye of Sauron. Endlessly looking for "the one". The one who will eventually carry our ring, the one to rule them all.
Women have mere seconds to leave a lasting impression, or will have to torturously wait for the next passing of the light. But once a female catches the light, the light will shine gloriously upon her, and her alone. Every thing else will fade to black. This is why there is no friend or non-friend category. Because in the end, it's all the same. The spotlight can/will eventually fall on friends as well. That is if it goes long enough without finding a subject to study.
The spotlight comes with intense pressure. It is a double edge sword. On one hand it magnifies all the positive traits, but providing a beautiful ray of light that engulfs the Muse at hand in a angelic hue. It's not all peaches though, because the spotlight also exposes terrible traits that will discourage the man from seeking the girl... things like Princess Pimples, Selfish Skin, Bitter Bruises, Materialistic Mustache.... etc.
You are treated like a star under the bright spotlight. The guy will treat you like a queen. You will receive all his attention, and will continue to do so.... until.... You start to date. (Then you have to compete with things like Mr. Comfortable, and Mr. Take for Granted) or the spotlight moves on to the next candidate.
Caveats to tie some loose ends :
1. Womanizers, Cheaters, Wandering Eye : These are men that have a screw loose in their spotlight. That's why they can't remain fixed on a individual. Soon or later, they will swivel, they will catch a glimpse of someone else.. and the light will slowly fade. Beware of these individuals. Or bring a screwdriver.
2. Superstars : Once in a while Superstars will come and go throughout one's stage. They are individuals that can generate their own light, and will demand all men's attention. (Think Kelly Kapowski on Save by the Bell.) Men will flock to them, but few will stay, due to their ability to outshine the spotlight... most of the time it's too much to handle. They also come with incredible baggage, since they have a long list of admirers.
Women : Candles
Women's stages are a bit more sophisticated, and more upscale. There are a limited amount of people that can vie for the coveted "Center Stage". Even to get on stage is a difficult task, and to move in to the Center takes time, and a lot of work. There is no spotlight for women, instead everyone on stage is holding a candle. They take time to view everyone on stage and replace those that are burning out with new candle bearers. They are not constantly' searching like the spotlight. Instead it is a controlled, more calculating survey of options.
And yes, some are bigger than others, some burn brighter. Eventually, one will catch the eye of the female and will have a opportunity to move to the center of the stage. Until the Candle burns out, they must do their best to impress the girl. The soft light form the Candle helps men hide their weakness, and radiate warm affectionate sparks. But on the other hand, it can cast ugly shadows that make the men look like hideous monsters. It's just like the spotlight, either you shine, or melt away. Either way, make it worthwhile.
Guys that are very attractive, mysterious, and unique burn very brightly once they encounter step on the stage. However, their wick is short. As the novelty of their mysterious factor subsides, they will quickly be dismissed if they cannot obtain the right to be on center stage. If they cannot burn for the long haul, this weakness will be quickly exposed.
Guys that are considered "friends" have very small candles that admit a very faint light. Women will quickly dismiss the possibility of these men securing a chance to be on center stage, yet they will still linger around on stage. Why? Well they're friends and they're safe. These guys have long long long wicks. They are marathon guys. They usually win the prize by outlasting the other candles. They burn soft, but they can burn for a long time. If the girl eventually loses candidate after another, the "friend" will be the only one standing... patience.
Caveats to tie loose ends:
1.Pyros : There are some women that love playing with fire. They will put out a candle just for fun, light it up again, only to blow it out again. These are the man eater types that ruin men's lives. If you're on a Pyro's stage, jump off. Melt. Become hair wax or something. Get outta there.
2.Trick Candles : Some guys won't leave girls alone. No matter how hard the women tries to get rid of them. They can't blow these suckers out. Hanging around... Hangingggg aaaarrround.... These guys aren't necessarily bad, I've known some guys who've just outlasted some girls into dating them. And continue to be good boyfriends to them. But ladies, if you find one... only way to get rid of them is to throw them out. Don't try to gently blow them out. It'll never work. Or get ready for a war of attrition. Beat them at video games or arm wrestling... that usually does it.
I'm done for now... wow this took forever. I'm such a gaymo. I'm so Fierce. I leave you to tear it apart.
Oh and please no comments about "You're wrong about this one sentence in your entry, b/c I know someone..." I know I know. This is just a theory, a hypothesis. It ain't a law. So please, it's a light hearted attempt at trying to capture one of the most complex issues in the world. It's for kicks. Don't take it too seriously. If you do, you're fierce.
My Spotlight's off. Good luck to the rest of you.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
자신 있개 한번 해보자
I woke up Sat morning with a really strange feeling. It was the feeling of having gotten enough sleep. It's been a long time since I've woken up with that "hrrm...[roll over, roll over]...hrrm...[stretch, stretch]...what am I doing today?" leisurely feeling. Normally it's more of a "gah, ALREADY?!?" jolted feeling into the "why does [insert body part here] hurt so much today?"
I must say...it was pleasant. So pleasant that though I still had time to go back to sleep, I didn't want to, because I just wanted to lay there and enjoy being comfortable and not be so tired that I had to close my eyes again. Gosh, that has to be one of the best feelings ever. EVER.
When I look back to this time last year, I can't help but feel that life has slowed down. I don't know where it stopped, but I'm just not psycho woman where 'go-time' is all the time anymore. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. It's been nice to have a bit more downtime and freedom, and I just can't imagine waking up at 6am and cramming in morning workouts now. The digilence to doing PT, lifting, running...even remembering to ice down and stretch seems like so much extra effort that I just can't forego sleep for anymore. Part of me misses the fire under my butt that kept me moving all the time...but at the same time, rest and healing cannot be ignored.
Gosh, it's no wonder my coworkers thought I was narcoleptic for falling asleep at work all the time - I really pushed the limits of sanity last year. My ability to fall asleep even in a one-on-one meeting was brought up and laughed over many times in their tipsy ridiculousness at our company party. It's a good thing Dr. Sean was more concerned over my health than insulted that my eyes would glaze over WHILE he was talking to me. Even though my job isn't fascinating or anything - I know that my efforts on that front definitely suffered when taking a backseat to everything else.
So the question of integrity for today is - am I really doing the best I can? When I take a break, is it truly because I need rest, or is it because I'm too tired to push myself? Or on the flip side, when I push myself, is it just for the sake of pushing, or am I being intentional about getting the best out of myself?
Being honest with yourself is so difficult...
As I look back on how my outlook has changed in the last year, I realize that you can only run on pure desire and passion for so long. I think in all things, as you grow older and more experienced, your approach changes, you make adjustments, you learn more of yourself and where your limits are that can be pushed, and (hopefully) gain a better grasp on discernment. Tim Keller said once in a sermon that "wisdom is the ability to make the right decisions at the right time". Wise words indeed...so these days I find myself with a new challenge: optimization and maintenance.
As my friends who are dating or married have told me - the honeymoon period will end soon enough, and then it becomes a matter of work and answering the question of whether it's worth it to you. I think that in many ways, the honeymoon period of my move to NY, and particularly of training and competing has come to an abrupt halt. I can only be thankful that it lasted this long. Nowadays, it's been more about working out the nitty gritty and really assessing the strength of my committment and the depth of my desire.
How funny, the RWC daily Bible reading for today is Psalm 6. Verse 2 was surprisingly appropriate for today...
2 Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint;
O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony.
Somehow I doubt that David was lamenting his broken bones and whether to get them x-rayed...but it's kind of cool that he could just cry out to God about his physical needs. My bones are in agony indeed.
With less than 3 weeks left to go, it's time to get to work. Dreamers are just wishful thinkers until the nose gets to the grindstone and the pedals start pumping. All for a dream that just might not come true. Perhaps the burnout of this very same competition last year is hitting me now - the one time that I really put my whole heart out on the mat and came away heartbroken. I cried out to God last year, after the competition was over, after I hobbled up to my room and dumped my bag down - and I asked Him "why?"
In the last year I've prety much come to terms with why I had to tear my knee right before Team Trials last year. Despite the immense disappointment, I know that in fighting through it I've become much stronger and more complete of a competitor than I was before. As Sabs have pointed out, it was a blessing in disguise, and a crazy growing experience. But like most cases, growth requires quite a bit of pain.
Even though I know these things, though, there is still some reluctance to give myself over to sheer determination again. But doing things halfway has never been my style, and I don't plan on starting now. Go hard, or go home, right? The end of the FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) creed says it best:
I give my all - all of the time.
I do not give up.
I do not give in.
I do not give out.
I am the Lord’s warrior -
a competitor by conviction
and a disciple of determination.
I am confident beyond reason
because my confidence lies in Christ.
The results of my efforts
must result in His glory.
If there was ever a time I needed strength and healing, wisdom and overall motivation - it would be now.
Sometimes you don't have anyone else in your boat but the cox - and the cox doesn't even actually do any rowing. But they direct you where to go and how to get there. And when the cox tells you to go...you just have to start rowing.
And constantly ask yourself: "am I doing really doing the best I can?"
T-minus 19 days.
자신 있개 한번 해보자.
Monday, December 19, 2005
love you
Forrest Gump was playing on TBS late tonight. What a great movie, with a great soundtrack.
I love the part at the end when Tom Hanks is waiting at the bus stop with little Forrest, and right before he gets on the bus he calls out to him:
"hey Forrest...I just wanted to tell you that I love you"
Little Forrest turns, looks at him, and says
"I love you too, Daddy"
This morning I went up to Ardsley to drop off presents for Sam and Syd. I have to say...next time I'm just going to get them plastic and foam. Why spend money and time picking out toys when 2 year olds are more interested in the packaging?
I was holding Syd in my lap putting her present together, and she says "thank you, eemoh!" Gosh, I love making her smile. I kissed the top of her head and said
"I love you, Sydney"
"Love you too"
There's something so free about being able to tell someone you love them when you do. After I left for college, my parents suddenly started saying "I love you" every chance they could. It's as if they thought they hadn't said it enough in the 17 years that we had together. It's not something that needed to be said, I knew that they did because they showed me through sacrifice...but it was and is nice to have it verbalized.
Children should hear often and know that they're loved. In fact, we all should, because when you know that you're loved, it's only natural to love others.
I love the part at the end when Tom Hanks is waiting at the bus stop with little Forrest, and right before he gets on the bus he calls out to him:
"hey Forrest...I just wanted to tell you that I love you"
Little Forrest turns, looks at him, and says
"I love you too, Daddy"
This morning I went up to Ardsley to drop off presents for Sam and Syd. I have to say...next time I'm just going to get them plastic and foam. Why spend money and time picking out toys when 2 year olds are more interested in the packaging?
I was holding Syd in my lap putting her present together, and she says "thank you, eemoh!" Gosh, I love making her smile. I kissed the top of her head and said
"I love you, Sydney"
"Love you too"
There's something so free about being able to tell someone you love them when you do. After I left for college, my parents suddenly started saying "I love you" every chance they could. It's as if they thought they hadn't said it enough in the 17 years that we had together. It's not something that needed to be said, I knew that they did because they showed me through sacrifice...but it was and is nice to have it verbalized.
Children should hear often and know that they're loved. In fact, we all should, because when you know that you're loved, it's only natural to love others.
Friday, December 16, 2005
"normal"
For reference, iTunes dl'd in the last week:
Stickwitu - PCD
Here is Our King - David Crowder Band
No One Like You - David Crowder Band
I'm Sprung - T-Pain
More Than Words - Frankie J
************
So in the midst of all this water sampling mayhem at the office lately, someone came up with the brilliant idea of bringing in speakers and hooking up an iPod for the long days of labelling, transferring, and packing. (I think the marked improvement in my pushups - not that they really could have gotten much worse - is due to the heavy lifting in fieldwork).
For the majority of last week, I've been listening to various playlists belonging to my coworkers. For example, one day was dedicated to the Beatles, in memory of John Lennon's death. I'm apparently very clueless as to classic American pop culture, so they were apalled at my utter lack of recognition and appreciation of the Beatles. I'm sure it's good music but...dude, we're all in our 20's. It's from our parents' generation. Cut me some slack for not knowing everything about them!
Another day, someone put on the soundtrack to Sound of Music. Which I recognized the songs to, but have still not seen the movie. (Though I've been told multiple times that I would really like it, and it's at the top of my list of "movies it is atrocious I haven't seen"). They proceeded to heckle me some more.
And then yet another day, I had to endure a whole day of Bjork and other unidentifiable slightly dissonant tunes...needless to say I wasn't paying attention.
So finally one day when the speakers were free, I grabbed my iPod and set it to play. I thought I'd play the pop section of my latest playlist, since my coworkers probably wouldn't be interested in having Korean or Christian music playing in the background.
Every single person suddenly stops what they're doing and says some shocked variation of "wait wait wait...YOU listen to THIS music???" I think it was "Hate it or Love it" Well, the clean version of course...I get really distracted with too much cursing and dirtyness in songs...I just like songs with good beats and catchy tunes.
Gosh...they think I'm a nun or something. What kind of image am I giving off, that they think I'm from another planet? Granted, the other day they were all planning on going to happy hour after work, and asked me what I was doing on a Friday night, and I couldn't go because I was teaching Taekwondo then going to Bible study...
I mean...OK yeah, maybe I *am* from another planet. (ie. we're not home yet). But I'm not sure how I feel about this sudden outburst of shock at my 'normalcy'. (Since when does listening to 50 cent make me 'normal'?)
Stickwitu - PCD
Here is Our King - David Crowder Band
No One Like You - David Crowder Band
I'm Sprung - T-Pain
More Than Words - Frankie J
************
So in the midst of all this water sampling mayhem at the office lately, someone came up with the brilliant idea of bringing in speakers and hooking up an iPod for the long days of labelling, transferring, and packing. (I think the marked improvement in my pushups - not that they really could have gotten much worse - is due to the heavy lifting in fieldwork).
For the majority of last week, I've been listening to various playlists belonging to my coworkers. For example, one day was dedicated to the Beatles, in memory of John Lennon's death. I'm apparently very clueless as to classic American pop culture, so they were apalled at my utter lack of recognition and appreciation of the Beatles. I'm sure it's good music but...dude, we're all in our 20's. It's from our parents' generation. Cut me some slack for not knowing everything about them!
Another day, someone put on the soundtrack to Sound of Music. Which I recognized the songs to, but have still not seen the movie. (Though I've been told multiple times that I would really like it, and it's at the top of my list of "movies it is atrocious I haven't seen"). They proceeded to heckle me some more.
And then yet another day, I had to endure a whole day of Bjork and other unidentifiable slightly dissonant tunes...needless to say I wasn't paying attention.
So finally one day when the speakers were free, I grabbed my iPod and set it to play. I thought I'd play the pop section of my latest playlist, since my coworkers probably wouldn't be interested in having Korean or Christian music playing in the background.
Every single person suddenly stops what they're doing and says some shocked variation of "wait wait wait...YOU listen to THIS music???" I think it was "Hate it or Love it" Well, the clean version of course...I get really distracted with too much cursing and dirtyness in songs...I just like songs with good beats and catchy tunes.
Gosh...they think I'm a nun or something. What kind of image am I giving off, that they think I'm from another planet? Granted, the other day they were all planning on going to happy hour after work, and asked me what I was doing on a Friday night, and I couldn't go because I was teaching Taekwondo then going to Bible study...
I mean...OK yeah, maybe I *am* from another planet. (ie. we're not home yet). But I'm not sure how I feel about this sudden outburst of shock at my 'normalcy'. (Since when does listening to 50 cent make me 'normal'?)
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
driving me crazy
I'm turning into a New Yorker. Meaning, I'm becoming mean.
There was a time when I signalled before changing lanes. A time when being inches away from a car made me nervous. When I wouldn't think of cutting someone off, of tapping a bumper to parallel park, of backing halfway down a block to nab a parking spot...of honking.
But those days are no more. I've honked more today than I have in my entire life. It's almost impossible to get anywhere (or find a parking spot!) in the city unless you drive recklessly. In fact, it seems that if you drive "properly" - that's reckless. Because everyone else drives so aggressively that being proper is asking for an accident.
It doesn't help that I'm driving a boat. A freaking Ford Taurus station wagon. I'm convinced that Fords (all American cars, in fact) are terrible. But a station wagon, no less - that thing has such a big butt, finding spots becomes 10x harder!
In my last day with the company car, I made a failed attempt to get to Ikea. I didn't even make it from Queens to Manhattan before that was aborted. Well more like...I messed up on following mapquest, found myself on the Queensboro Bridge, and was stuck wading across midtown. In my BOAT. By the time I made it across, over an hour had gone by and I had no patience left to be venturing out to Jersey.
Haha, there is nothing like having to drive in NYC to realize that patience and self-control are...difficult. Haha. It's like in the Bible when it says to turn the other cheek...when you're driving, if someone cuts you off on the right, you shouldn't be angry if immediately thereafter someone else cuts you off on the left. Well, because if they both do that, they'll crash into each other. Serves them right! Haha OK just kidding, that's terrible...but these mean people keep cutting me off!!
I think the end result is that I've become way more of an aggressive driver than I really thought I could be. You have to cut people off to prevent them from cutting you off...or else you'll never get anywhere you need to go.
It's kind of like how when someone keeps doing a cut kick on you, you just have to badachagi their butt. It's not nice. But you have to make them put their leg down, give you a little respect, and fight "properly". And some people won't do that unless you give them a reason to. It's not like I'm doing it to be mean. I'm just shutting down your tactics and side games and making you fight.
Like my first coach always said (not that I understood it when I was 13)..."every offense is a defense, every defense is an offense..."
There was a time when I signalled before changing lanes. A time when being inches away from a car made me nervous. When I wouldn't think of cutting someone off, of tapping a bumper to parallel park, of backing halfway down a block to nab a parking spot...of honking.
But those days are no more. I've honked more today than I have in my entire life. It's almost impossible to get anywhere (or find a parking spot!) in the city unless you drive recklessly. In fact, it seems that if you drive "properly" - that's reckless. Because everyone else drives so aggressively that being proper is asking for an accident.
It doesn't help that I'm driving a boat. A freaking Ford Taurus station wagon. I'm convinced that Fords (all American cars, in fact) are terrible. But a station wagon, no less - that thing has such a big butt, finding spots becomes 10x harder!
In my last day with the company car, I made a failed attempt to get to Ikea. I didn't even make it from Queens to Manhattan before that was aborted. Well more like...I messed up on following mapquest, found myself on the Queensboro Bridge, and was stuck wading across midtown. In my BOAT. By the time I made it across, over an hour had gone by and I had no patience left to be venturing out to Jersey.
Haha, there is nothing like having to drive in NYC to realize that patience and self-control are...difficult. Haha. It's like in the Bible when it says to turn the other cheek...when you're driving, if someone cuts you off on the right, you shouldn't be angry if immediately thereafter someone else cuts you off on the left. Well, because if they both do that, they'll crash into each other. Serves them right! Haha OK just kidding, that's terrible...but these mean people keep cutting me off!!
I think the end result is that I've become way more of an aggressive driver than I really thought I could be. You have to cut people off to prevent them from cutting you off...or else you'll never get anywhere you need to go.
It's kind of like how when someone keeps doing a cut kick on you, you just have to badachagi their butt. It's not nice. But you have to make them put their leg down, give you a little respect, and fight "properly". And some people won't do that unless you give them a reason to. It's not like I'm doing it to be mean. I'm just shutting down your tactics and side games and making you fight.
Like my first coach always said (not that I understood it when I was 13)..."every offense is a defense, every defense is an offense..."
Sunday, December 11, 2005
A trip down memory lane...
Periodically I like to flip through pictures and remember old times or old people...
Syd and Sam, taken almost 2 years ago...look at Sam being such a good un-nee...when I look at them, it's so clear that birth order makes ALL the difference. I still won't forget the day that Syd flipped out about something and started crying and wouldn't stop, and Sam comes over and wipes her sister's tears with her sleeve and tells her "Sydney, LISTEN to me...it's going to be OK..." Even at a young age, it was really clear who was older.
Summer 2002 - Kipp and I hiked the Half Dome at Yosemite with a few other interns at the Lab. That was one crazy hike...something like 18 miles up and down, sunup to sunset. I couldn't walk properly for 4 days afterwards. Quite possibly THE most physically straining thing I've ever done.
I miss Kipp..."yeah, token white guy". The one who coined the phrase "no guts, no butts", got stupid PKT catch phrases stuck in my head until I was saying them more than he was...bah! Our claim to fame was the all night tag team 35 page 2.671 lab report that started at 2am and was printed as xander came to take me to the airport for Christmas...it was absolutely ridiculous that in our lack of consciousness we finished it, let alone got a better grade than on the rest of our reports. I would never have survived MIT without his ridiculous brain and even more ridiculous patience in teaching.
My favorite picture of pyang, from the experiment to see if he could fit in the trunk of his car...we learned that night that there's a latch on the inside you can use to let yourself out...in case you ever lock yourself in the trunk of your car, now you know.
My favorite picture of Rich. Back in the days when his hair was a reasonable amount of thick. Gosh, I think I harped on him at the time this picture was taken that he needed a haircut...haha if I knew how it'd end up now...this was downright short.
Gosh he was so good back then. Well, I'm sure he's still good now, but when he was a freshman, he had so much talent. To me, he'll always be that clueless freshman who was constantly apologizing, would call every 5 minutes from the prof's office to make sure he was doing things 'right', said he'd take my side just because I'm noona...haha he hasn't called me that in forever. Helping him cram all the ITF forms at 2am the night before so he could pass the equivalency test, only so he and Nathan could mess up on Taegeuk Yook Jang, of all forms...there were some good times.
It was nice having a dongseng. Sure made the whole sumbae hubae thing make sense.
Aren't my parents super cute? Taken after my 2nd graduation, somewhere in Cape Cod. I feel like I should make Christmas cards out of this picture, since they're wearing the right colors.
Quintessential me and Sab Sr, taken in Greece at WUTC 2004. Funny how I was so scared of him before, and how little we knew each other at that time...this was the tournament he started hitting me on the head before I competed, to try and beat the nervousness out of me. I had the best and worst matches of my career at this tournament, and it was the turning point in both my TKD and my relationship with them.
People will laugh or be shocked, but the tradition still carries today even though I'm not afraid of him anymore. Every match he coaches me, I lean in and he smacks me on top of the head. Sometimes we forget to do it and I'm halfway to the center of the ring and come running back. Can't fight without it.
mcho, art_emis, and I went to some beach during the spring break trip to LA. I really like this picture, it seems artsy or something...ah, 2 of my original small group girls...8am "breakfast club" with Philippians..."I think it's really cool that..." One of the most rewarding things to witness is when your juniors rise up and not only follow in your footsteps, but surpass you...Sarah became Mama Shin of ACF and Margaret became the anchor for the TKD team...very proud of my girls, and I miss them...
I don't know why I like this picture, I just do. Peter and I passed out on the ferry ride back, I think dp took this pic.
If you ever go to Martha's Vineyard and ride the bikes...pay the extra bucks for a nicer seat. Staff Fun Day 2 was awesome...except for the butt pains we all experienced from the hard bike seats. Gosh that year on staff...it was so worth it. I miss my old staff team, even though I was only on it for a year.
That's all for memory lane for now. Sometimes it's good to just remember good times and good friends...not to dwell on days gone by, but to remember joy.
Syd and Sam, taken almost 2 years ago...look at Sam being such a good un-nee...when I look at them, it's so clear that birth order makes ALL the difference. I still won't forget the day that Syd flipped out about something and started crying and wouldn't stop, and Sam comes over and wipes her sister's tears with her sleeve and tells her "Sydney, LISTEN to me...it's going to be OK..." Even at a young age, it was really clear who was older.
Summer 2002 - Kipp and I hiked the Half Dome at Yosemite with a few other interns at the Lab. That was one crazy hike...something like 18 miles up and down, sunup to sunset. I couldn't walk properly for 4 days afterwards. Quite possibly THE most physically straining thing I've ever done.I miss Kipp..."yeah, token white guy". The one who coined the phrase "no guts, no butts", got stupid PKT catch phrases stuck in my head until I was saying them more than he was...bah! Our claim to fame was the all night tag team 35 page 2.671 lab report that started at 2am and was printed as xander came to take me to the airport for Christmas...it was absolutely ridiculous that in our lack of consciousness we finished it, let alone got a better grade than on the rest of our reports. I would never have survived MIT without his ridiculous brain and even more ridiculous patience in teaching.
My favorite picture of pyang, from the experiment to see if he could fit in the trunk of his car...we learned that night that there's a latch on the inside you can use to let yourself out...in case you ever lock yourself in the trunk of your car, now you know.
My favorite picture of Rich. Back in the days when his hair was a reasonable amount of thick. Gosh, I think I harped on him at the time this picture was taken that he needed a haircut...haha if I knew how it'd end up now...this was downright short.Gosh he was so good back then. Well, I'm sure he's still good now, but when he was a freshman, he had so much talent. To me, he'll always be that clueless freshman who was constantly apologizing, would call every 5 minutes from the prof's office to make sure he was doing things 'right', said he'd take my side just because I'm noona...haha he hasn't called me that in forever. Helping him cram all the ITF forms at 2am the night before so he could pass the equivalency test, only so he and Nathan could mess up on Taegeuk Yook Jang, of all forms...there were some good times.
It was nice having a dongseng. Sure made the whole sumbae hubae thing make sense.
Aren't my parents super cute? Taken after my 2nd graduation, somewhere in Cape Cod. I feel like I should make Christmas cards out of this picture, since they're wearing the right colors.
Quintessential me and Sab Sr, taken in Greece at WUTC 2004. Funny how I was so scared of him before, and how little we knew each other at that time...this was the tournament he started hitting me on the head before I competed, to try and beat the nervousness out of me. I had the best and worst matches of my career at this tournament, and it was the turning point in both my TKD and my relationship with them.People will laugh or be shocked, but the tradition still carries today even though I'm not afraid of him anymore. Every match he coaches me, I lean in and he smacks me on top of the head. Sometimes we forget to do it and I'm halfway to the center of the ring and come running back. Can't fight without it.
mcho, art_emis, and I went to some beach during the spring break trip to LA. I really like this picture, it seems artsy or something...ah, 2 of my original small group girls...8am "breakfast club" with Philippians..."I think it's really cool that..." One of the most rewarding things to witness is when your juniors rise up and not only follow in your footsteps, but surpass you...Sarah became Mama Shin of ACF and Margaret became the anchor for the TKD team...very proud of my girls, and I miss them...
I don't know why I like this picture, I just do. Peter and I passed out on the ferry ride back, I think dp took this pic.
If you ever go to Martha's Vineyard and ride the bikes...pay the extra bucks for a nicer seat. Staff Fun Day 2 was awesome...except for the butt pains we all experienced from the hard bike seats. Gosh that year on staff...it was so worth it. I miss my old staff team, even though I was only on it for a year.
That's all for memory lane for now. Sometimes it's good to just remember good times and good friends...not to dwell on days gone by, but to remember joy.
visionary
I think I'm attracted to people who are visionary. And by attracted I don't mean romantic attraction, but just...who I find myself around and admire.
For example, the connection with Sabs and all of the non-profit organizations they've created that started with a vision and somehow got implemented to help further a cause. From KACF to INCTL to NYCTKDF, it's pretty amazing to see how many people are affected by the persistent efforts of a few. I was talking to Mrs. Sab once about how busy Sr is all the time, and she was like "well, he loves what he does...and I'd much rather he was doing something rather than sit around and be a couch potato."
I think it's really admirable to strive to create something out of nothing, for the benefit of others...plenty of people can have great ideas, but how many people make those ideas a reality? As I think back to all the struggles and obstacles we faced in starting up the TKD club at MIT, I don't know if I could ever do that again. It was more than rewarding, and a tremendous growing experience...but it was hard. The daily nitty gritty and sacrifice were sizable. With the offer to take over the NYU program, it's been tempting...but I wonder if I still have it in me, and whether that's what my energy should be focused on...
I think my dad is the man. Granted, a lot of girls will think that. (That their fathers are 'the man', not that my father is 'the man'). Haha. But despite his faults and shortcomings - of which there are many - he has a good heart, and I admire that. The thing that floats his boat the last couple years as been this homeless ministry that he's been volunteering at on Sunday mornings. It's a faith-based organization which makes breakfast for the homeless in Oakland, and invites them in for a worship service on Sunday mornings. The last time I was home for an extended period of time, he took me with him, and it was a total shock to see my dad - Mr. Incompetant in the Kitchen - strap on an apron and make scrambled eggs. (That in itself is a miracle...the man does not cook.)
Out of this homeless ministry grew TSOFA - an organization my dad and some of his friends started, raising money to send wheelchairs to the handicapped in Korea who can't afford them. I know - of all the organizations to create, it's a very unique one. I'm actually not even sure how that was put on his heart, that people needed wheelchairs...but after years of struggling to kick it off, it seems that they're finally starting to see some fruits of their fundraising efforts.
I remember when I was growing up, my family would always talk about doing 'our jobs'. Looking back, there were times that we were really struggling financially - but I didn't really know much about it until later. My dad would always tell me that his job was to earn money through the business to provide, my job was to do the best I could at whatever I was learning. We almost had a little competition going over who did their 'jobs' better, and sometimes it helped us to get through whatever it was that needed to be done. By defining the roles, our family operated fairly smoothly. I guess now that I've moved out and become financially independent, he's needed a new project. I get like that too - when something's completed and after the burnout has faded, I get an itch to do something else and can't sit still for too long.
So now that my 'job' is no longer to learn and get good grades and excel in whatever extra-curriculars I was in...I wonder...what is my 'job' now? What is it that I contribute to my family (defining 'family' is saved for another post), and where is my place? I think one of my biggest fears is being lazy. Having wasted something, whether that be time, money, an opportunity. And by no means do I have heaps of free time that I spend twiddling my thumbs...but sometimes when things are immensely busy, I feel the need to step back and define for myself a vision, and whether all these things that are keep me occupied and sleepless are in line with it.
Perhaps it's time to reread Tyranny of the Urgent...
For example, the connection with Sabs and all of the non-profit organizations they've created that started with a vision and somehow got implemented to help further a cause. From KACF to INCTL to NYCTKDF, it's pretty amazing to see how many people are affected by the persistent efforts of a few. I was talking to Mrs. Sab once about how busy Sr is all the time, and she was like "well, he loves what he does...and I'd much rather he was doing something rather than sit around and be a couch potato."
I think it's really admirable to strive to create something out of nothing, for the benefit of others...plenty of people can have great ideas, but how many people make those ideas a reality? As I think back to all the struggles and obstacles we faced in starting up the TKD club at MIT, I don't know if I could ever do that again. It was more than rewarding, and a tremendous growing experience...but it was hard. The daily nitty gritty and sacrifice were sizable. With the offer to take over the NYU program, it's been tempting...but I wonder if I still have it in me, and whether that's what my energy should be focused on...
I think my dad is the man. Granted, a lot of girls will think that. (That their fathers are 'the man', not that my father is 'the man'). Haha. But despite his faults and shortcomings - of which there are many - he has a good heart, and I admire that. The thing that floats his boat the last couple years as been this homeless ministry that he's been volunteering at on Sunday mornings. It's a faith-based organization which makes breakfast for the homeless in Oakland, and invites them in for a worship service on Sunday mornings. The last time I was home for an extended period of time, he took me with him, and it was a total shock to see my dad - Mr. Incompetant in the Kitchen - strap on an apron and make scrambled eggs. (That in itself is a miracle...the man does not cook.)
Out of this homeless ministry grew TSOFA - an organization my dad and some of his friends started, raising money to send wheelchairs to the handicapped in Korea who can't afford them. I know - of all the organizations to create, it's a very unique one. I'm actually not even sure how that was put on his heart, that people needed wheelchairs...but after years of struggling to kick it off, it seems that they're finally starting to see some fruits of their fundraising efforts.
I remember when I was growing up, my family would always talk about doing 'our jobs'. Looking back, there were times that we were really struggling financially - but I didn't really know much about it until later. My dad would always tell me that his job was to earn money through the business to provide, my job was to do the best I could at whatever I was learning. We almost had a little competition going over who did their 'jobs' better, and sometimes it helped us to get through whatever it was that needed to be done. By defining the roles, our family operated fairly smoothly. I guess now that I've moved out and become financially independent, he's needed a new project. I get like that too - when something's completed and after the burnout has faded, I get an itch to do something else and can't sit still for too long.
So now that my 'job' is no longer to learn and get good grades and excel in whatever extra-curriculars I was in...I wonder...what is my 'job' now? What is it that I contribute to my family (defining 'family' is saved for another post), and where is my place? I think one of my biggest fears is being lazy. Having wasted something, whether that be time, money, an opportunity. And by no means do I have heaps of free time that I spend twiddling my thumbs...but sometimes when things are immensely busy, I feel the need to step back and define for myself a vision, and whether all these things that are keep me occupied and sleepless are in line with it.
Perhaps it's time to reread Tyranny of the Urgent...
Friday, December 09, 2005
irony
Irony is listening to 'let it snow, let it snow, let it snow' when it's snowing snowballs outside. Or rather, when you're outside with a tiny ice scraper/brush thing trying to dig your car out when it's snowing snowballs. It was snowing so hard that by the time I got all the snow off of my windshield, went to the clear out the back and came back to the front - it was all covered again.
Don't get me wrong, I like the winter wonderland effect. There was something almost magical about walking outside (in the buckets of snow) and seeing a blanket everywhere where no one had stepped in yet. But perhaps I'm becoming cynical...as I saw the snow, the next thing I thought of was all the dirty slush puddles it would become in a day or two...gosh, if there's one thing I really really dislike, it's dirty slush puddles. Somehow I always end up stepping in one and being soaked through my shoe and squishing for the rest of the day. Squishy socks = no good.
Haha I remember my first snowfall, freshman year. I had never seen real snow before, so I was so excited to run around and play in it. I ran over to a big snowmound, wound up to kick it....
and slipped and fell on my butt.
Haha. Such a silly freshman I was. It reminds me of a quote that was always on pkkim's zsig:
"The older you get, the more it takes to fill your heart with wonder"
I wonder when the last time was that my heart was filled with wonder...when I look at the little kids around me and how their eyes light up at things that make them go "WOOOOOOW!" - I remember what it's like to have your breath taken away by something unimaginable, something so totally cool that you've never experienced before. Like a first snowfall.
Don't get me wrong, I like the winter wonderland effect. There was something almost magical about walking outside (in the buckets of snow) and seeing a blanket everywhere where no one had stepped in yet. But perhaps I'm becoming cynical...as I saw the snow, the next thing I thought of was all the dirty slush puddles it would become in a day or two...gosh, if there's one thing I really really dislike, it's dirty slush puddles. Somehow I always end up stepping in one and being soaked through my shoe and squishing for the rest of the day. Squishy socks = no good.
Haha I remember my first snowfall, freshman year. I had never seen real snow before, so I was so excited to run around and play in it. I ran over to a big snowmound, wound up to kick it....
and slipped and fell on my butt.
Haha. Such a silly freshman I was. It reminds me of a quote that was always on pkkim's zsig:
"The older you get, the more it takes to fill your heart with wonder"
I wonder when the last time was that my heart was filled with wonder...when I look at the little kids around me and how their eyes light up at things that make them go "WOOOOOOW!" - I remember what it's like to have your breath taken away by something unimaginable, something so totally cool that you've never experienced before. Like a first snowfall.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
My coach, the eloquent:
"You're falling apart...we need to trade you in for a newer model"
Thanks, coach. This model T is putting along on its dying leg.
There was a time that I would have taken this way too personally. But...I'm too tired. I mean, it's true, in a sense. Injuries are a snowballing effect, and the more you try to push through them the more they may linger and compound.
정신 차려여지...
"You're falling apart...we need to trade you in for a newer model"
Thanks, coach. This model T is putting along on its dying leg.
There was a time that I would have taken this way too personally. But...I'm too tired. I mean, it's true, in a sense. Injuries are a snowballing effect, and the more you try to push through them the more they may linger and compound.
정신 차려여지...
chest pains
I have chest pains. I can't be having a heart attack - I just got my blood test results and they tell me I'm going to live until I'm 120 years old.
Gosh, what if I had a real job that drove me crazy...I'd definitely have died of a heart attack by now. The utter fatigue is taking its toll - I've made some ridiculous mistakes and they probably think I'm an idiot.
Chest pains. It's like I can feel the blood being blocked...but how can that be? My arteries are clear...Aggggh it hurts.
Gosh, what if I had a real job that drove me crazy...I'd definitely have died of a heart attack by now. The utter fatigue is taking its toll - I've made some ridiculous mistakes and they probably think I'm an idiot.
Chest pains. It's like I can feel the blood being blocked...but how can that be? My arteries are clear...Aggggh it hurts.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
where is it?
Sometimes when you're down, someone does something so ridiculously thoughtful you can't help but smile. JAAC came by today to cheer me up with a cd full of all this music that I haven't been able to find, and some extra Christmas tracks. I love JAAC.
Against whatever fake motivation I was trying to muster...I was just too tired to force myself to go to boxing tonight. All of the manual labor lately at work coupled with forcing workouts of heavy gimpy legs and closed up lungs has left me wondering sometimes how I pushed so hard last year... and whether that passion is dwindling.
I suppose mental tiredness is not uncommon...but with physical fatigue it's a dangerous combination. Last year at this time I was freaking out because I tore my knee and it was iffy as to whether I'd even be kicking by tournament day. But there was a crazy will from inside that pushed me to be so nervous, anxious, motivated to wake up at ungodly hours for therapy, to fight on one leg...sometimes I wonder if with experience you lose some of that spirit...that desire that forces you to look past the pain, breathe when your lungs can't, get out of bed when you're tired...
Do I still have it? If so...where is it?
So light the fire, in my weary soul
Fan the flame, make my spirit whole
Lord you know just where I've been
So light the fire in my heart again
Against whatever fake motivation I was trying to muster...I was just too tired to force myself to go to boxing tonight. All of the manual labor lately at work coupled with forcing workouts of heavy gimpy legs and closed up lungs has left me wondering sometimes how I pushed so hard last year... and whether that passion is dwindling.
I suppose mental tiredness is not uncommon...but with physical fatigue it's a dangerous combination. Last year at this time I was freaking out because I tore my knee and it was iffy as to whether I'd even be kicking by tournament day. But there was a crazy will from inside that pushed me to be so nervous, anxious, motivated to wake up at ungodly hours for therapy, to fight on one leg...sometimes I wonder if with experience you lose some of that spirit...that desire that forces you to look past the pain, breathe when your lungs can't, get out of bed when you're tired...
Do I still have it? If so...where is it?
So light the fire, in my weary soul
Fan the flame, make my spirit whole
Lord you know just where I've been
So light the fire in my heart again
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Sunday, December 04, 2005
gratification
We sang this song in church a few weeks ago and it was driving me crazy trying to find it. Well, good thing the worship team recycles, because I finally figured it out. How satisfying.
Our King - Tree63
We have heard the thunder
We have seen the storm
Echoes of your kingdom coming
Rumors of our home
Where one day we will stand before you Lord
Our altogether beautiful reward
And we will give you glory, bring you honor
King above all kings
You deserve our everything
We will lift our voices with your praises
Jesus, you are our King
It's pretty crazy if you think about God deserving everything. It's interesting when you look at the things you hold onto, which are sometimes strange in light of the things you CAN give up to Him. Gosh..."everything"...it's so...absolute.
But as I was reminded this weekend...every good and perfect thing does indeed come from above...so in light of that, why should it be so hard to give God what originally came from Him? It's like how my dad used to always laugh at me when I'd buy him nice presents...because he used to pay my credit card bills. It's kind of like, well that was really nice of you, but how hard is it to give when you're not the one sacrificing in the end? When in fact, the person who's getting your gift is the one who paid for it?
Everything.
Our King - Tree63
We have heard the thunder
We have seen the storm
Echoes of your kingdom coming
Rumors of our home
Where one day we will stand before you Lord
Our altogether beautiful reward
And we will give you glory, bring you honor
King above all kings
You deserve our everything
We will lift our voices with your praises
Jesus, you are our King
It's pretty crazy if you think about God deserving everything. It's interesting when you look at the things you hold onto, which are sometimes strange in light of the things you CAN give up to Him. Gosh..."everything"...it's so...absolute.
But as I was reminded this weekend...every good and perfect thing does indeed come from above...so in light of that, why should it be so hard to give God what originally came from Him? It's like how my dad used to always laugh at me when I'd buy him nice presents...because he used to pay my credit card bills. It's kind of like, well that was really nice of you, but how hard is it to give when you're not the one sacrificing in the end? When in fact, the person who's getting your gift is the one who paid for it?
Everything.
so proud...
Now THAT was a black belt test. I'm so proud of Mel and Ken I could burst. Which I guess is quite possible, since I was holding my breath for so much of their test.
Sometimes you get those fleeting moments where you invest so heavily in someone and suddenly you see them shine. And somehow all the hours and frustrations and sometimes tedious efforts because more than worth it. I had some of those moments when coaching at MIT...the first time women's B won 1st place...when N won at Collegiate Nationals...when JoHo broke his spinning hook kick board break...I guess it was easier to have such emotional highs as a coach when I had the whole team...but today I got another strong taste of that in the context of the dojang and in a long term sense.
With these two it wasn't really frustrating or tedious, they're two of the most motivated people I've ever met. But after the test I was downright giddy along with them at how strong they were. Sometimes you see hard work and determination really bring out the best in people, and that's what I had the pleasure of witnessing today...
Gosh...I love teaching. Not just for these moments, but because you can really make a difference in someone's life (and in so doing, they make a difference in yours). The relationships built through such intensely shared experiences really sneak up on you over time. It's so challenging to work with so many different types of students, but it's just a puzzle waiting to be figured out...and when you figure it out together, you get some pretty spectacular results.
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I love my friends. I love sitting around, doing nothing, telling stories and laughing. What a spontaneous night of hanging out (as much as I normally don't deal well with spontaneity)...I really ought to laugh more in the course of each day. We all should! "Eighth or moss" =)
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"Tomato" is back...only the best K drama ever. =) Well, my favorite. Perhaps it's predictable but...so good.
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I love gentlemen. I've been noticing these things lately esp. at work when I have to take elevators and go through doors a lot, but the little things that people do are so nice sometimes - someone who holds a door, waits for you to get in or out of the elevator first, picks up a bag for you...haha I remember when we were in Turkey and Coachie P would make sure to walk on the outside of the street. I was like, what are you doing? And he was saying how in Oklahoma it's unheard of NOT to do all these chilvalrous things, like walking on the outside of the street, and opening the passenger door for a girl. If anything he was surprised that we'd gotten used to doing everything ourselves. But in any event...I really appreciate the gentlemen in my life.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
foiled, yet again
GRR! I spent the last 2 weeks racking my brains, and finally I found the perfect gift...and he already effective has it. I hate when that happens! Rawr. I'm losing my touch, what is this?? Back to the drawing board...(ie. amazon's homepage)
Friday, December 02, 2005
inefficiency
I am a very impatient person. I would really like if life was as efficient as possible. Hence, I like to do things like plan ahead, make schedules, make appointments...and I value when people also plan ahead, make schedules and keep appointments. I don't think I could ever work at a company that expects me to drop everything anytime they feel compelled to dominate my life...I don't know how some of my friends do it.
So the thing about my work is...for the most part it's low maintenance. It's flexible, I come and go as I please...and it's fine. It's understood that work is not my top priority, and only when there are these mad deadlines do I have to put the rest of my life on hold and do something stupid like label and organize 4,000 bottles for hours and hours on end.
I work really hard to compartmentalize everything to maximize my day. Yes, I even schedule in times to rest (or rather...if I don't schedule it in, I won't do it, so I have to write "sleep" in for x chunks of hours per day). Therefore I was very peeved at the utter inefficiency of my day. Not only did the preparations for next week's CRAZY sampling study go overtime, it caused me to have to miss teaching my Friday kids sparring class, AND miss small group. It wouldn't have been so bad, if I wasn't stuck hauling the company car home and forced to spend over an hour trying to park the thing somewhere in my neighborhood. The thing is a freaking boat - WHY we have so many Ford Taurus station wagons is beyond me. Ford's are terrible cars, and station wagons don't fit ANYWHERE on the upper west side. (Though after being so frustrated finding a space, I actually paralleled it on the first try!)
By the time I finally found parking, I had to walk 10 blocks in the freezing wind to get to my apt - to find when I walked in the door that my coworker sent me a text message saying to bring the batteries indoors.
Half of me wants to just screw it and get some food and go to sleep. But I know that by tomorrow morning the discharge on those batteries will be enough to potentially ruin the study...but it's SO COLD outside...
Highly, highly inefficient. =(
So the thing about my work is...for the most part it's low maintenance. It's flexible, I come and go as I please...and it's fine. It's understood that work is not my top priority, and only when there are these mad deadlines do I have to put the rest of my life on hold and do something stupid like label and organize 4,000 bottles for hours and hours on end.
I work really hard to compartmentalize everything to maximize my day. Yes, I even schedule in times to rest (or rather...if I don't schedule it in, I won't do it, so I have to write "sleep" in for x chunks of hours per day). Therefore I was very peeved at the utter inefficiency of my day. Not only did the preparations for next week's CRAZY sampling study go overtime, it caused me to have to miss teaching my Friday kids sparring class, AND miss small group. It wouldn't have been so bad, if I wasn't stuck hauling the company car home and forced to spend over an hour trying to park the thing somewhere in my neighborhood. The thing is a freaking boat - WHY we have so many Ford Taurus station wagons is beyond me. Ford's are terrible cars, and station wagons don't fit ANYWHERE on the upper west side. (Though after being so frustrated finding a space, I actually paralleled it on the first try!)
By the time I finally found parking, I had to walk 10 blocks in the freezing wind to get to my apt - to find when I walked in the door that my coworker sent me a text message saying to bring the batteries indoors.
Half of me wants to just screw it and get some food and go to sleep. But I know that by tomorrow morning the discharge on those batteries will be enough to potentially ruin the study...but it's SO COLD outside...
Highly, highly inefficient. =(
nostalgia part 1
Once I realized that my computer was dying (and I have little idea how to back things up when my burning software appears to not want to recognize anything), I started flipping through my files and looking at what I want to keep (gosh I hope I figure out how to save these things...)
I had quite an amusing and heartwarming time watching all the random videos that were made over the past few years through ACF senior banquest and TKD...sure made me miss Boston, college, and...good times.
The year I was on staff, we had this leadership event where each leadership team had to encourage a different team, through whatever means we gave them. I think staff had to do a puppet show about usgl's, usgl's did arts and crafts for fsgl's, fsgl's acted out a skit for exec, and exec made a movie for us. It was a hilarious time of affirmation...
I rewatched the leadership video the other day and almost died laughing. dmkang, cktsai, chicki and kder...you guys rock. There's something about being parodied that can be so affirming...even if they're making fun of you.
Haha I love this picture. They're acting out a staff meeting where we're praying...kder and cktsai are supposed to be slyan and dpark (at the time dating, now they're engaged! quite eager to pray holding hands) and chicki and dmkang are supposed to be me and pkkim (apparently not willing to hold hands).
HAHA. Those kids...
It cracks me up even now...I remember back in Urbana 2000 when pkkim and I went as students. (As opposed to Urbana 2003 when we went as staff). I think it was one of the plenary sessions after praise when the speaker or whoever was up there said to hug the person next to you. (It was one of those feel-good moments...) I think pkkim and I stood up and looked at each other for a minute and I said something stupid along the lines of "but you don't hug!"
Haha...Nothing wrong with clear boundaries...nothing at all. But just amusing to think about when reminiscing and funny that the kids picked up on it...gosh I miss pkkim and the rest of K/ACF of yore...those were indeed good times...now even my 'kids' are graduated and scattered across the country...crazy.
I had quite an amusing and heartwarming time watching all the random videos that were made over the past few years through ACF senior banquest and TKD...sure made me miss Boston, college, and...good times.
The year I was on staff, we had this leadership event where each leadership team had to encourage a different team, through whatever means we gave them. I think staff had to do a puppet show about usgl's, usgl's did arts and crafts for fsgl's, fsgl's acted out a skit for exec, and exec made a movie for us. It was a hilarious time of affirmation...
I rewatched the leadership video the other day and almost died laughing. dmkang, cktsai, chicki and kder...you guys rock. There's something about being parodied that can be so affirming...even if they're making fun of you.
Haha I love this picture. They're acting out a staff meeting where we're praying...kder and cktsai are supposed to be slyan and dpark (at the time dating, now they're engaged! quite eager to pray holding hands) and chicki and dmkang are supposed to be me and pkkim (apparently not willing to hold hands).
HAHA. Those kids...
It cracks me up even now...I remember back in Urbana 2000 when pkkim and I went as students. (As opposed to Urbana 2003 when we went as staff). I think it was one of the plenary sessions after praise when the speaker or whoever was up there said to hug the person next to you. (It was one of those feel-good moments...) I think pkkim and I stood up and looked at each other for a minute and I said something stupid along the lines of "but you don't hug!"
Haha...Nothing wrong with clear boundaries...nothing at all. But just amusing to think about when reminiscing and funny that the kids picked up on it...gosh I miss pkkim and the rest of K/ACF of yore...those were indeed good times...now even my 'kids' are graduated and scattered across the country...crazy.
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