then cue nelly and call me promiscuous. i can't take it anymore. i'm hiding in the dark (bc the lightbulb blew out) of the office on the computer in the hopes - the HOPES - that maybe my parents won't talk to me for a blessed 10 minutes. after a whole day of cancelling my plans, driving them all over the place, and listening to all the nagging, complaining, nagging, commenting, nagging, and questioning...i just can't take it anymore.
it all came to a head when my mom and i went to the gym. i had finally convinced my dad to shell out for the overpriced membership at the gym/club thing on our island for my them, because my mom has wanted it forever and they're both gaining weight. i was thrilled upon registering them to find that they had an open room with mirrors, puzzle mats i could put on the floor, and a WAVEMASTER. (a freestanding kicking bag). it was the answer to my slothful-haven't-worked-out-in-a-week prayers.
so if there is one thing you do not do is stand in the way of sparky and a workout. it's like standing in the way of a fat kid at a buffet after he's been fasting for a week - just let the kid go to town. so my good mood and motivation at the prospect of a treadmill, some weights, and a kicking bag - was trodden to death before we even got out the door.
"aren't you going to bring lotion? you have to wear lotion, that's why your skin is dry. if you have dry skin now, you're going to wrinkle fast when you get older. are you really going to wear shorts? shorts are going to be cold. you don't want to catch a cold. do i bring a jacket? where do we put it? did you bring water? did you drink water today? you have to drink 8 cups of water a day, you know." (insert the frequent 'uh-muh-muh's for maximum effect, and have it go on incessantly).
have you ever wanted to plunge a pencil into your ear so that maybe you won't be able to hear anymore?
life is a lot easier if you're just selfish. you get what you want, and you're usually oblivious to how selfish you're being so you don't feel bad about it. it's ironic to me that when you try not to be selfish, you realize just how selfish you really are. before, i used to just come home, plop myself down and set myself to relax. it was my vacation time. i made plans with friends, and scheduled my parents in for some quality time where i saw fit. if they nagged me, it lasted for a bit and then eventually i'd explode or otherwise make it clear that i wasn't in the mood and they might leave me alone.
as i get older, for better or for worse, i can read more between the lines. and i can see now that what they want is someone to listen to them, to validate them, to make them feel valued, to appreciate them, to spend time with them. they want to take care of me, and love me, and tell me what's best for me (or, what they think is best for me). so given this knowledge, i've been going out of my way to attempt to be accomodating. and i say attempt because it hasn't been particularly successful. i can see pretty clearly what would be the nice and thoughtful thing to do, and i'll set out to do it - but then halfway through it becomes really hard and i'll end up losing it, which defeats the purpose of doing the nice thing to begin with. so for my efforts, the end result is - i'm so annoyed i want to burst, except now i feel guilty that i'm annoyed because i'm aware of my own impatience. somehow...this seems worse, even though it began with better intentions. how can this be?
i think paul said it best in the famous tongue twister of romans 7. the real struggle begins when you become so painfully aware of your own selfishness.
15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. -Romans 7:15-20
sometimes you desire to do what is good, even at the cost of personal comfort. but it's disappoitning to see that you just can't carry it out. i wish i could be infinitely patient and listen to the same stories and complaints over and over again and offer validation or a solution - i wish the incessant nagging wouldn't grate at me, and that i wouldn't just learn to tune it out, but accept it as the overlove that it is - but a week at home makes it Abudantly Clear that i am not.
so then what? do i just accept my failure and selfishness and just ... be selfish and make them deal with it? put my fingers in my ears and say "la la la" until they give up and stop talking at me?
21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22For in my inner being I delight in God's law; 23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. 24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! -Romans 7:21-25
someone said this a few times (rather, he quoted john piper, but i can't claim to have ever made it through a piper book so to me the quote is attributed to the person who told it to me) - that even though we're discouraged and we know that we can't do something - that we keep plugging away in the hopes that tomorrow will be easier today.
and so, the sun has set (long ago), and my time in my haven upstairs is coming to an end. i know that i will fail again tomorrow and inevitably be annoyed beyond measure and unfortunately let it show. but hopefully i will last longer tomorrow that i did today. and maybe it will be a little bit easier.
just in case, someone do me a favor and look up what you do when someone lodges a pencil in their ear? thanks...
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
huh
I was helping my mom at the store the other day, and I made some observations in my 8 hours of standing behind the cash register. I always thought it was uncanny how my mom could pinpoint who would actually be making purchases and who would try on 10 things and leave without buying anything. Sharp eye, that one...though after what, almost 20 years of this business I guess you become pretty observant.
-Fashion appears to recycle itself, and what is 'in' appears to be what I thought went out with the 60's and 70's. So does that mean we're going back to oversized sweaters and tight pants in about 10 years? *shudder*
-I'd estimate that 80% of the couples that came in were white guys with Asian girls. More fodder for the AMC. (Asian Male Crisis, as defined to me by bkam and nathanh as +10 for every Asian guy/white girl couple and -1 for every white guy/Asian girl couple...apparently at the end of the day the score will still be negative).
-It's a small world after all. Around mid-day, this tall Chinese girl walked in, tried on a few items, generally browsed around, taking her time...and as she came up to the counter, she kept looking at me funny, as though she was trying not to be obvious that she was looking at me. So I thought she looked familiar, and after an awkward pause I said "uh...Jen?" Yeah, it turns out that she was an old West Sider, Sabs' old protege before me, she and I didn't overlap at all in our Taekwondo careers, as she moved out to CA for med school and residency. Clearly she didn't expect me to be working the register of a small business on the west coast...what were the chances?
-Radio stations just recycle after about an hour. No wonder my parents hate pop and hip hop music. At least our store in SF is in a hippie/yuppie neighborhood, so they had a variety station on...our old store attracted a different demographic, so they used to play hip hop/rap all the time and it would drive them crazy when I would choose to play those stations when we drove anywhere because they were so sick of it. Back when the Eminem "Slim Shady" song came out and was constantly playing on the radio, we were in the car once and my mom said "I don't understand why they keep telling him to please stand up...I wish he would just sit down!"
I don't think I've ever laughed so hard...
-Fashion appears to recycle itself, and what is 'in' appears to be what I thought went out with the 60's and 70's. So does that mean we're going back to oversized sweaters and tight pants in about 10 years? *shudder*
-I'd estimate that 80% of the couples that came in were white guys with Asian girls. More fodder for the AMC. (Asian Male Crisis, as defined to me by bkam and nathanh as +10 for every Asian guy/white girl couple and -1 for every white guy/Asian girl couple...apparently at the end of the day the score will still be negative).
-It's a small world after all. Around mid-day, this tall Chinese girl walked in, tried on a few items, generally browsed around, taking her time...and as she came up to the counter, she kept looking at me funny, as though she was trying not to be obvious that she was looking at me. So I thought she looked familiar, and after an awkward pause I said "uh...Jen?" Yeah, it turns out that she was an old West Sider, Sabs' old protege before me, she and I didn't overlap at all in our Taekwondo careers, as she moved out to CA for med school and residency. Clearly she didn't expect me to be working the register of a small business on the west coast...what were the chances?
-Radio stations just recycle after about an hour. No wonder my parents hate pop and hip hop music. At least our store in SF is in a hippie/yuppie neighborhood, so they had a variety station on...our old store attracted a different demographic, so they used to play hip hop/rap all the time and it would drive them crazy when I would choose to play those stations when we drove anywhere because they were so sick of it. Back when the Eminem "Slim Shady" song came out and was constantly playing on the radio, we were in the car once and my mom said "I don't understand why they keep telling him to please stand up...I wish he would just sit down!"
I don't think I've ever laughed so hard...
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
traditions
As per the family tradition, my parents and I drove out to Half Moon Bay for a scenic drive and some mandatory picture-taking at the beach. And it being Norcal, we're not talking sunny beaches that people go to surf and get a tan at...these are rocky cliffs and crashing waves.
It was a pretty classic trip, complete with my mom cutting fruit in the backseat (why one would wield a knife during a drive is beyond me, but who am I to turn down fresh fruit?) my dad singing along to "Feliz Navidad" with a better Spanish accent than me on the all-Christmas radio station, and me trying to curb and deflect any questions that remotely have to do with dating, marriage, and having children. "Hey let's buy a ranch when we retire so that our grandchildren can ride horses...and play golf!" Didn't have the heart to burst their bubble that not ALL Koreans are innately good at golf. Apparently they still regret that I didn't pursue that path, and that my golf career ended at the tender age of 13 at the driving range. My poor children will apparently bear the brunt of what their grandparents did not accomplish as parents...any of you guys in school for counseling want test specimens?
The weather was actually pretty nice yesterday (ie. not cold and windy), so at one of the 3 stops we make every year, we stayed a bit to play tag with the waves and take in the fresh air. Something about it is just ... refreshing.
After 3 days of not working out, eating like a fiend, and sitting at home and sleeping, I grew restless. I turned to my dad and said "아빠 우리 달리기 하자!" (Hey Dad, let's race!)
So we took off down the beach and we were pretty neck and neck in the beginning (man, he's fast for being over 60...) when I started taking a bit of a lead...and then my shoe came untied. As I bent over to tie it, he hauled it all the way down the beach and I had to sprint to catch him, laughing all the way.
I caught him at the end, but he was totally in my face about winning. Never in my life has the man ever let me win at anything. Though when I think about it...I fear the princess he would have produced if he had.
I think that's the most fun I've had in a long time. There are certain moments of your life when time stands still, and on the same deserted beach where nothing ever changes, it was nice to be 7 years old again, racing with abadon and not a care in the world and laughing all the way.
It was a pretty classic trip, complete with my mom cutting fruit in the backseat (why one would wield a knife during a drive is beyond me, but who am I to turn down fresh fruit?) my dad singing along to "Feliz Navidad" with a better Spanish accent than me on the all-Christmas radio station, and me trying to curb and deflect any questions that remotely have to do with dating, marriage, and having children. "Hey let's buy a ranch when we retire so that our grandchildren can ride horses...and play golf!" Didn't have the heart to burst their bubble that not ALL Koreans are innately good at golf. Apparently they still regret that I didn't pursue that path, and that my golf career ended at the tender age of 13 at the driving range. My poor children will apparently bear the brunt of what their grandparents did not accomplish as parents...any of you guys in school for counseling want test specimens?
The weather was actually pretty nice yesterday (ie. not cold and windy), so at one of the 3 stops we make every year, we stayed a bit to play tag with the waves and take in the fresh air. Something about it is just ... refreshing.
After 3 days of not working out, eating like a fiend, and sitting at home and sleeping, I grew restless. I turned to my dad and said "아빠 우리 달리기 하자!" (Hey Dad, let's race!)
So we took off down the beach and we were pretty neck and neck in the beginning (man, he's fast for being over 60...) when I started taking a bit of a lead...and then my shoe came untied. As I bent over to tie it, he hauled it all the way down the beach and I had to sprint to catch him, laughing all the way.
I caught him at the end, but he was totally in my face about winning. Never in my life has the man ever let me win at anything. Though when I think about it...I fear the princess he would have produced if he had.
I think that's the most fun I've had in a long time. There are certain moments of your life when time stands still, and on the same deserted beach where nothing ever changes, it was nice to be 7 years old again, racing with abadon and not a care in the world and laughing all the way.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
keeping the peace
To briefly recount what I think is the funniest mom story ever - and I'm not doing this justice because I don't remember all the details, but...here goes.
My friend J decided to be a good son (dang...really good) and drive cross country with his mom when he moved from CA to NY. Man, that's crazy patience...props to J for even attempting this endeavor. So after a week of nagging and commenting, he starts to get annoyed. But he tries to be nice and suck it up...until one day towards the end when she's commenting on his driving, it just gets to be too much, and he snaps.
"Um-mah, I'll give you $1000 if you don't talk to me for the next 3 hours!"
Funny enough, this story has totally helped me curb my annoyance with my mom. Whenever I come home and I spend an extended period of time with her, I end up getting really annoyed at all the nagging, and end up not being very nice in my attempts to get away from it. Every year, I tell myself that I'm going to be mature and grown up, and see the heart behind what she says and does instead of the gut reaction of throwing a tantrum and running out of the room. And every year, that only lasts for about an hour or two before my head wants to explode...but ever since J's story, whenever I think I'm going to lose it, I think in my head "um-mah I'll give you $1000 if you don't talk to me for the next 3 hours!" and I start cracking up. And it distracts me from the fact that I'm being told for the 5th time today not to rub my eyes, to drink more water, to eat apples, to wear another layer, that I need a haircut...yeah.
So thanks J. Your story is keeping the peace in the Park house.
My friend J decided to be a good son (dang...really good) and drive cross country with his mom when he moved from CA to NY. Man, that's crazy patience...props to J for even attempting this endeavor. So after a week of nagging and commenting, he starts to get annoyed. But he tries to be nice and suck it up...until one day towards the end when she's commenting on his driving, it just gets to be too much, and he snaps.
"Um-mah, I'll give you $1000 if you don't talk to me for the next 3 hours!"
Funny enough, this story has totally helped me curb my annoyance with my mom. Whenever I come home and I spend an extended period of time with her, I end up getting really annoyed at all the nagging, and end up not being very nice in my attempts to get away from it. Every year, I tell myself that I'm going to be mature and grown up, and see the heart behind what she says and does instead of the gut reaction of throwing a tantrum and running out of the room. And every year, that only lasts for about an hour or two before my head wants to explode...but ever since J's story, whenever I think I'm going to lose it, I think in my head "um-mah I'll give you $1000 if you don't talk to me for the next 3 hours!" and I start cracking up. And it distracts me from the fact that I'm being told for the 5th time today not to rub my eyes, to drink more water, to eat apples, to wear another layer, that I need a haircut...yeah.
So thanks J. Your story is keeping the peace in the Park house.
Friday, December 22, 2006
when your worlds collide
You know you've been tutoring too long when useless SAT vocabulary starts making its way into your mainstream speech.
A couple weeks ago, we had a small group sleepover at Yunha's in NJ, which featured late night board games. We were playing Taboo and it was my turn to give the clues. The word was "picnic" and I wasn't allowed to say blanket, park, sandwiches, basket, and eat. (I think).
"You go to the outdoors and consume ... comestibles ... with Yogi Bear and BooBoo."
OK, I thought it was obvious. But my team got hung up on the fact that I used the word "comestibles" and spent the rest of the time laughing at me rather than guessing the word.
Dangit!
A couple weeks ago, we had a small group sleepover at Yunha's in NJ, which featured late night board games. We were playing Taboo and it was my turn to give the clues. The word was "picnic" and I wasn't allowed to say blanket, park, sandwiches, basket, and eat. (I think).
"You go to the outdoors and consume ... comestibles ... with Yogi Bear and BooBoo."
OK, I thought it was obvious. But my team got hung up on the fact that I used the word "comestibles" and spent the rest of the time laughing at me rather than guessing the word.
Dangit!
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Coincidences, ironies, and other observations
-I went to three weddings in 2006. All of the grooms were named Daniel. Two of the brides were named Kathy.
-Someone from each sg I've led has gotten engaged in the last year. Congrats to chicki, lildiane, and esther! (Hrmm OK that statement is not entirely true, none of my fsgls are on this list...yet). And chicki actually breaks the curse of the KCF even years! (People who graduated on even years are barely dating, let alone getting married, whereas the odd year folks are dropping like flies...and since dmoon technically graduated 01 and xander 03 - that only adds to my data set)
-I think I legitimately used up exactly 10 sick days this year.
-Sab told me to call his wife Sue un-nee (big sister - girl to girl). But his kids have been calling me noona (big sister - boy to girl) for the last 3 years. Very confused as to whether I'm at the adult or the kiddie table.
-Yes, I went to MIT. No, I don't know anything about computers. In fact, I have anti-intuition when it comes to computers. They like to generate error messages and crash randomly when I come near them. Please take pity on a poor excuse for a geek and help me...
-Girls having better handwriting than boys starts at an early age. (With the exception of shiau_d and xander who destroy my perfect data set). It's amazing, all of my girl students have great handwriting. All of my boys' are barely legible. Why is that?
-According to the weather channel, California has been colder than New York this week. What is this world coming to?
-When I signed on for apprenticing this year, I knew I was going to get paired up with a guy, and I prayed for someone who was strong enough in his faith and knowledge of the Word that I could step back and let him lead, and who wouldn't be intimidated by me and make me feel like I had to hold back who I am. Well, I got what I prayed for, but...when you get someone who's strong, you also get someone who's stubborn and proud. And when you get two people who are stubborn and prideful and make them work together - just shows that we have limited knowledge in what is best. I swear, God is laughing at me. Be careful what you pray for, it just might get granted.
-Someone from each sg I've led has gotten engaged in the last year. Congrats to chicki, lildiane, and esther! (Hrmm OK that statement is not entirely true, none of my fsgls are on this list...yet). And chicki actually breaks the curse of the KCF even years! (People who graduated on even years are barely dating, let alone getting married, whereas the odd year folks are dropping like flies...and since dmoon technically graduated 01 and xander 03 - that only adds to my data set)
-I think I legitimately used up exactly 10 sick days this year.
-Sab told me to call his wife Sue un-nee (big sister - girl to girl). But his kids have been calling me noona (big sister - boy to girl) for the last 3 years. Very confused as to whether I'm at the adult or the kiddie table.
-Yes, I went to MIT. No, I don't know anything about computers. In fact, I have anti-intuition when it comes to computers. They like to generate error messages and crash randomly when I come near them. Please take pity on a poor excuse for a geek and help me...
-Girls having better handwriting than boys starts at an early age. (With the exception of shiau_d and xander who destroy my perfect data set). It's amazing, all of my girl students have great handwriting. All of my boys' are barely legible. Why is that?
-According to the weather channel, California has been colder than New York this week. What is this world coming to?
-When I signed on for apprenticing this year, I knew I was going to get paired up with a guy, and I prayed for someone who was strong enough in his faith and knowledge of the Word that I could step back and let him lead, and who wouldn't be intimidated by me and make me feel like I had to hold back who I am. Well, I got what I prayed for, but...when you get someone who's strong, you also get someone who's stubborn and proud. And when you get two people who are stubborn and prideful and make them work together - just shows that we have limited knowledge in what is best. I swear, God is laughing at me. Be careful what you pray for, it just might get granted.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
a girly christmas
What, is there a theme to this Christmas??
First the pink watch....(if my camera wasn't lost somewhere in Argentina, I would post a picture to document the pink-nees)
So I finally decided to bite the bullet and purchase the DS lite. I figured, it's been about 6 months since I first saw it, and if I still want it, then hey, may as well. So I got Paul oh-bbah to look for deals online, of which they were all sold out. SOLD OUT.
So what does JAAC spoil me with, but the extravagence of a PINK ds lite. PINK! I didn't even know they made them in pink. Like, this-should-have-a-Hello-Kitty-sticker-on-it-pink! But it's still freaking awesome. Big Brain Academy, here I come! (Yes, I realize how dorky that sounds...)
Oh yeah, and my Jewish mother has rounded up the troops and gotten everyone to pitch in to make me over for Christmas. As in, a fancy haircut, a visit to a makeup artist (yes, she called them artists), something about eyebrows, and new clothes. Apparently the Christina-has-to-get-married project is in full force, and the way I dress and look is unacceptable...eh? I'm not sure how I feel about this, but supposedly it's happening. Beauty is an expensive industry and on principle I don't feel like we should be buying into it, but I wasn't given much of a choice.
But all in all, Sabs said the wine was good, Scottie's eyes lit up at his new soccer jersey, my girls loved their crafts kits, my boys loved their Boca shirts...reactions were pretty good this year. JAAC says I spend 364 days of the year shopping for Christmas presents. So I guess that means I have 3 more days before I have to start thinking about 2007...
First the pink watch....(if my camera wasn't lost somewhere in Argentina, I would post a picture to document the pink-nees)
So I finally decided to bite the bullet and purchase the DS lite. I figured, it's been about 6 months since I first saw it, and if I still want it, then hey, may as well. So I got Paul oh-bbah to look for deals online, of which they were all sold out. SOLD OUT.
So what does JAAC spoil me with, but the extravagence of a PINK ds lite. PINK! I didn't even know they made them in pink. Like, this-should-have-a-Hello-Kitty-sticker-on-it-pink! But it's still freaking awesome. Big Brain Academy, here I come! (Yes, I realize how dorky that sounds...)
Oh yeah, and my Jewish mother has rounded up the troops and gotten everyone to pitch in to make me over for Christmas. As in, a fancy haircut, a visit to a makeup artist (yes, she called them artists), something about eyebrows, and new clothes. Apparently the Christina-has-to-get-married project is in full force, and the way I dress and look is unacceptable...eh? I'm not sure how I feel about this, but supposedly it's happening. Beauty is an expensive industry and on principle I don't feel like we should be buying into it, but I wasn't given much of a choice.
But all in all, Sabs said the wine was good, Scottie's eyes lit up at his new soccer jersey, my girls loved their crafts kits, my boys loved their Boca shirts...reactions were pretty good this year. JAAC says I spend 364 days of the year shopping for Christmas presents. So I guess that means I have 3 more days before I have to start thinking about 2007...
Monday, December 18, 2006
more pink
My cousin thinks she is so funny.
So every year she gives me a real present and a gag gift. If you've been to my apt, you have surely commented on my pink disney princess scale. Yep, that was her joke last year, because a bright pink princess scale is something that I would definitely never own on my own accord.
So this year, she surprised me with a pink watch. And I'm not talking baby pink, or something with pink tastefully on it. I'm talking a watch with a bright sparkly glittering pink band. Seriously, she was laughing at me when I opened it.
Spent the day with the un-nees and all their kids yesterday...and I have to say one of the best moments is when a kid recognizes you and comes running at you with a big grin. My girls are always good for hugs and playdates. Though I guess I can't call them my girls anymore since this little guy came along...
Isn't he cute? Mr. Drooly himself.
So every year she gives me a real present and a gag gift. If you've been to my apt, you have surely commented on my pink disney princess scale. Yep, that was her joke last year, because a bright pink princess scale is something that I would definitely never own on my own accord.
So this year, she surprised me with a pink watch. And I'm not talking baby pink, or something with pink tastefully on it. I'm talking a watch with a bright sparkly glittering pink band. Seriously, she was laughing at me when I opened it.
Spent the day with the un-nees and all their kids yesterday...and I have to say one of the best moments is when a kid recognizes you and comes running at you with a big grin. My girls are always good for hugs and playdates. Though I guess I can't call them my girls anymore since this little guy came along...
Isn't he cute? Mr. Drooly himself.Thursday, December 14, 2006
sick day
I wonder how many sick days I have left. Sometimes, I think the best vacation would be to just sit at home and do nothing. I have to say, the days I've stayed home sick have been some of the best days of the year.
So as part of the Target escapade last weekend (Bryan, Carol and Mia will forever be my 24-hour-Target-that-doesn't-exist-Team) - I purchased yet another chick flick for the collection: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
The funny part is, what caused me to purchase it was hearing (or reading) about it from a guy. HAHA. Well, that and it was on sale for $7.44.
Gotta love Target.
So as part of the Target escapade last weekend (Bryan, Carol and Mia will forever be my 24-hour-Target-that-doesn't-exist-Team) - I purchased yet another chick flick for the collection: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
The funny part is, what caused me to purchase it was hearing (or reading) about it from a guy. HAHA. Well, that and it was on sale for $7.44.
Gotta love Target.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
peeved
Wow, could all of my peeves be met in one day? Amazing. All I'm missing is being shed on by a hairy dog, and being waited on by an unhelpful customer service rep.
Grr
1) People who don't do as they say.
2) Accountants who try and cheat you. (Frauds. Freaking frauds.)
3) People who don't listen.
4) People who don't read emails.
5) Mediocrity.
6) Being subjected to watching mediocrity.
7) People who say "yes, sir" to me. Particularly when my eyeballs are already falling out watching them be mediocre.
8) My right leg. It hurts.
9) My old computer. It's making whirring noises. I think it might explode.
10) My new computer. It still doesn't work.
11) Mosquito bites. How am I possibly this allergic?
12) People who treat me like their secretary.
Yay
1) Pineapples (I don't care if it's from a can - it's still good)
2) Rockapella - Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego (Thanks Irwin!)
Grr
1) People who don't do as they say.
2) Accountants who try and cheat you. (Frauds. Freaking frauds.)
3) People who don't listen.
4) People who don't read emails.
5) Mediocrity.
6) Being subjected to watching mediocrity.
7) People who say "yes, sir" to me. Particularly when my eyeballs are already falling out watching them be mediocre.
8) My right leg. It hurts.
9) My old computer. It's making whirring noises. I think it might explode.
10) My new computer. It still doesn't work.
11) Mosquito bites. How am I possibly this allergic?
12) People who treat me like their secretary.
Yay
1) Pineapples (I don't care if it's from a can - it's still good)
2) Rockapella - Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego (Thanks Irwin!)
Monday, December 11, 2006
sigh
I've resorted to blogging because no one is online...sigh.
I can't take it anymore.
Similarly to the way it was with the dojang - I feel stifled. And what I decided with the dj was that I just had to step back. That as much as anyone might say that my opinion was valued and input was appreciated - in the end it was not mine and any amount of ownership and responsibility I could take would ultimately just lead to conflict. The step back has been painful, but I just try to close my eyes when I see the things that aren't as good as they could be, and just try to focus on my private students and those who are willing to be excellent and not mediocre. I guess I can only have influence over the domain that I've been given, and should just leave it at that.
So perhaps that is what I am to learn about this small group as well. It's not mine, it's not ours - it's his. And he will run it the way he wants. So really, I'm not the mom. I'm the nanny. The babysitter.
I miss IV. I miss Susan, Danny, and Peter. I miss serving with people who are my age, who are older, who are my friends. Who make me feel valued, who gave me freedom to run with ministry, who supported me, who prayed for me. And who let me serve and love them too.
I can't take it anymore.
Similarly to the way it was with the dojang - I feel stifled. And what I decided with the dj was that I just had to step back. That as much as anyone might say that my opinion was valued and input was appreciated - in the end it was not mine and any amount of ownership and responsibility I could take would ultimately just lead to conflict. The step back has been painful, but I just try to close my eyes when I see the things that aren't as good as they could be, and just try to focus on my private students and those who are willing to be excellent and not mediocre. I guess I can only have influence over the domain that I've been given, and should just leave it at that.
So perhaps that is what I am to learn about this small group as well. It's not mine, it's not ours - it's his. And he will run it the way he wants. So really, I'm not the mom. I'm the nanny. The babysitter.
I miss IV. I miss Susan, Danny, and Peter. I miss serving with people who are my age, who are older, who are my friends. Who make me feel valued, who gave me freedom to run with ministry, who supported me, who prayed for me. And who let me serve and love them too.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
newton's 3rd law
Sr said something interesting to me right before I left. He was talking about how this is the first time he's ever seen me genuinely excited about a tournament, and that it's been a marked change in attitude lately. I guess maybe it has. But what surprised me was when he said that he was kind of sad to let me go. That what they wanted for me all this time, what all their mind games and beat downs and distancing was for me to gain an independence and self-reliance to not need them to hold my hand and be by my side - but now that they've seen it happen, they almost miss it. I guess he's right, it's like a parent with a child - you want them to be able to stand on their own, but there is a certain bond you have when they need you, and it feels good to be needed, even if it's annoying or tiring sometimes.
I find it ironic that all this time that I felt they were so far away on purpose, they were actually right there with me. All those times they made me feel like I was such a demanding princess - there was a part of them that liked to be needed. In the last 2-3 years of competing, the one and only thing I could count on without fail was talking to Sab Jr the night before I fought. No matter where I was - Greece, Turkey, Spain, the Dominican - or no matter where he was - Prague, London, Paris - we would touch base. Haha, one time I was in Rhode Island and he was in London, but with the time difference it was Saturday afternoon, and I was literally in the ring coaching Scott when he called, and he only had 10 minutes until he had to go to a meeting. Luckily, there was a technical difficulty in the ring, and we managed to squeeze in a whole conversation before they fixed it.
The funny thing is, his pep talks are always the same. And they're not even that inspirational in what he says anymore. And a lot of the time, he's in between meetings, or I'm at dinner or something so we're usuallyrushed. But if all else fails, the one thing I know is that before I fight, I'll can count on him to tell me that I can do it, that he expects nothing less than a gold medal, and that he will bully me into saying "yes sir" until he's satisfied. All this time I treasured these moments, because it's the one commitment that he's always been able to keep. I guess it never occurred to me that perhaps he liked sharing in this as well.
Jr said it best the other day:
"I agree that we have pretty much beaten the tears out of you. Like a parent spanking a child, it hurt us more than it hurt you, you know. Actually, that's a lie. But it sounds good."
I laughed when I read this, because I always make fun of them about liking to make me cry...but on a deeper level, I think I understand. When I step back and think about it, I'm proud of myself for not crying anymore. It was a pretty painful and traumatizing process, and I'm sure annoying as anything to them...but any sort of investment has a component that makes you feel important or significant because deep down when you care about someone, it's nice to be needed.
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. That Newton knew what he was talking about, even in relationships.
I find it ironic that all this time that I felt they were so far away on purpose, they were actually right there with me. All those times they made me feel like I was such a demanding princess - there was a part of them that liked to be needed. In the last 2-3 years of competing, the one and only thing I could count on without fail was talking to Sab Jr the night before I fought. No matter where I was - Greece, Turkey, Spain, the Dominican - or no matter where he was - Prague, London, Paris - we would touch base. Haha, one time I was in Rhode Island and he was in London, but with the time difference it was Saturday afternoon, and I was literally in the ring coaching Scott when he called, and he only had 10 minutes until he had to go to a meeting. Luckily, there was a technical difficulty in the ring, and we managed to squeeze in a whole conversation before they fixed it.
The funny thing is, his pep talks are always the same. And they're not even that inspirational in what he says anymore. And a lot of the time, he's in between meetings, or I'm at dinner or something so we're usuallyrushed. But if all else fails, the one thing I know is that before I fight, I'll can count on him to tell me that I can do it, that he expects nothing less than a gold medal, and that he will bully me into saying "yes sir" until he's satisfied. All this time I treasured these moments, because it's the one commitment that he's always been able to keep. I guess it never occurred to me that perhaps he liked sharing in this as well.
Jr said it best the other day:
"I agree that we have pretty much beaten the tears out of you. Like a parent spanking a child, it hurt us more than it hurt you, you know. Actually, that's a lie. But it sounds good."
I laughed when I read this, because I always make fun of them about liking to make me cry...but on a deeper level, I think I understand. When I step back and think about it, I'm proud of myself for not crying anymore. It was a pretty painful and traumatizing process, and I'm sure annoying as anything to them...but any sort of investment has a component that makes you feel important or significant because deep down when you care about someone, it's nice to be needed.
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. That Newton knew what he was talking about, even in relationships.
Friday, December 01, 2006
peters, peters everywhere
By some strange coincidence - I'm always working for a Peter. No matter what the job is, where it is...my boss has been named Peter.
When I was in college/grad school, I did all of my internships at the same research lab in California, with the same group, with the same boss - whose name was Peter Kr. Then after graduation when I joined IV staff, where our team's leader was none other than pkkim.
After a year of that, I moved down to NYC, and started at Pirnie, working for Peter G. Then last Feb. I switched companies, and was working for this Korean guy up until now, thinking, wow, for the first time I'm not working for a Peter (though he didn't even have an English name, and his son, who also works for our company, is named Peter).
So a couple weeks ago I finished one project and they restaffed me to another - and my new supervisor's name? Peter. With some really really long greek last name that I can't possibly pronounce or spell.
Huh.
When I was in college/grad school, I did all of my internships at the same research lab in California, with the same group, with the same boss - whose name was Peter Kr. Then after graduation when I joined IV staff, where our team's leader was none other than pkkim.
After a year of that, I moved down to NYC, and started at Pirnie, working for Peter G. Then last Feb. I switched companies, and was working for this Korean guy up until now, thinking, wow, for the first time I'm not working for a Peter (though he didn't even have an English name, and his son, who also works for our company, is named Peter).
So a couple weeks ago I finished one project and they restaffed me to another - and my new supervisor's name? Peter. With some really really long greek last name that I can't possibly pronounce or spell.
Huh.
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