1) Wedding shower for Susan & Danny...appears to have been successful. (phew!) Best answer in the advice game (each person writes a piece of advice for the bride/groom) goes to Mako for "Danny - just pick up the hair in the shower"
2) Another one bites the dust. Congrats Munhee & Youngmin!
3) ACF kids back from missions - it was so contagious being around their excitement and laughter, and seeing pictures from their trip to DR. They really appear to have come back changed and with a bigger picture of God's kingdom...very cool.
4) John Harvard's with CW people...I wish I'd been hungry enough to order food, but it was good to see everyone again, even if I didn't get to train with them.
5) Citylife - I forgot Pastor Um preaches for an hour. I think preachers in general in Boston tend to be pretty heady...I kind of miss that stuff sometimes. Though you definitely need to get a full night's sleep before that kind of sermon. =)
6) FOOD! Victoria's and Lollicup with the old d-crew make me so happy. Chinese food and boba are the two things that I just haven't been satisfied by in NY...anyone got any suggestions?
7) Brilliance
the question: "If you could go back in time and meet one person, who would it be?"
rich: "The guy who first milked a cow!"
conor: "Well, gee, I would have gone with conventional inventions, like...fire. Or the wheel. But no, no, the milking of cows was clearly a pivotal change in society"
Sunday, January 29, 2006
looking back
I didn't realize how much I missed Boston until I finally came back.
I've never done so much "EEEEEE!"-ing and hugging in one day before. So good to see everyone...we had the last 3 years of ACF staffers in the kitchen making kimbap and ddukgook for the kids tonight...so crazy to see how the ministry has grown, and that the kids are growing up.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't have left. Could've should've would've, I suppose. In one sense, I bet I could have found community, I really enjoyed hanging out with everyone today, alums and non-alums ... but in a way I almost feel that it was better to just move away and be forced to forge an entirely new post-college life. For the same reason that perhaps it was good for me to wait so long to return, I see that if I hadn't made a clean break, I would have hung on to the past and never moved forwards.
I feel like I'm in a good place to be back now - one where I won't constantly be remembering and longing for what once was, but being able to appreciate and cherish the friendships and experiences that were so great in the past without dwelling in those memories. It makes reunions joyful instead of wistful.
But I did miss Boston, and all those who came with it. No doubt about that.
I've never done so much "EEEEEE!"-ing and hugging in one day before. So good to see everyone...we had the last 3 years of ACF staffers in the kitchen making kimbap and ddukgook for the kids tonight...so crazy to see how the ministry has grown, and that the kids are growing up.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't have left. Could've should've would've, I suppose. In one sense, I bet I could have found community, I really enjoyed hanging out with everyone today, alums and non-alums ... but in a way I almost feel that it was better to just move away and be forced to forge an entirely new post-college life. For the same reason that perhaps it was good for me to wait so long to return, I see that if I hadn't made a clean break, I would have hung on to the past and never moved forwards.
I feel like I'm in a good place to be back now - one where I won't constantly be remembering and longing for what once was, but being able to appreciate and cherish the friendships and experiences that were so great in the past without dwelling in those memories. It makes reunions joyful instead of wistful.
But I did miss Boston, and all those who came with it. No doubt about that.
Friday, January 27, 2006
curve balls
My coworker on the other side of this cube wall has been conducting phone interviews all day. Very strange to hear those questions being asked of someone else. And yet...I still have visceral reactions when I hear those interview catch phrases like "what are your career goals?", "what would your ideal job be?", or "have you been in a situation where..."
Ironically enough, I had an interview this morning. I have to say, in all the interviews I've gone on, I've jumped through a lot of hoops. Most of them standard (like the questions above) with regurgitated answers already prepared in the back of my mind. Then sometimes there are the people who want to test technical. I've taken exams (literal, written exams), given powerpoint presentations on my thesis, played with parts on the spot and answered questions about how they were made, done brainteasers ("if you have a cup of coffee at 100 degrees C and milk at room temp and you want to drink the coffee in 5 minutes, do you add the milk now, 5 min from now, or somewhere in between?")...yeah. I thought I'd seen the gamut. Dealt with being surprised or drawing a blank at pulling something out of nowhere and hoping it sounds convincing...
But no...Far be it for anything to be predictable...
I finished (or so I thought) my interview. It was mildly technical but not really. Fairly standard, pretty friendly...and I'd prepared for most of the questions that would come up, so I thought, no problem. No surprises this time. So then I go into the VP's office to finish filling out my paperwork, and he steps out to take care of something. An oldish Asian man comes into the office, sits at the desk, picks up my resume, and stares at it for awhile. I didn't know who he was and he didn't greet me, so I just kept writing.
Then out of the blue he asks "han-gook-mahl heh-yo?" (do you speak Korean?)
[trying not to show how shocked I am but likely failing] "Neh" (yes)
So he proceeds to conduct an interview IN KOREAN. Well, until we got technical and I was clearly not hacking it anymore. I can honestly say that of all the things on my resume, this was probably the last thing that would get tested at an interview.
I think it was fine, but...still reeling from the shock.
Sab's reaction?
"wow, all those years of "yadan-cheoh"-ing you about your etiquettte may finally pay off! other than that stuff, korean business etiquette revolves around drinking, so I guess we'll teach you how to drink. and karaoke."
Clearly, hitting me on the head with the paddle for saying "yeah" is what caused my behavior to be acceptable when it counted...my silly Sabs.
Although now I have a dilemma because if the Korean manager calls me, I don't know whether to answer in Korean or English. What would be the proper thing to do?
Ironically enough, I had an interview this morning. I have to say, in all the interviews I've gone on, I've jumped through a lot of hoops. Most of them standard (like the questions above) with regurgitated answers already prepared in the back of my mind. Then sometimes there are the people who want to test technical. I've taken exams (literal, written exams), given powerpoint presentations on my thesis, played with parts on the spot and answered questions about how they were made, done brainteasers ("if you have a cup of coffee at 100 degrees C and milk at room temp and you want to drink the coffee in 5 minutes, do you add the milk now, 5 min from now, or somewhere in between?")...yeah. I thought I'd seen the gamut. Dealt with being surprised or drawing a blank at pulling something out of nowhere and hoping it sounds convincing...
But no...Far be it for anything to be predictable...
I finished (or so I thought) my interview. It was mildly technical but not really. Fairly standard, pretty friendly...and I'd prepared for most of the questions that would come up, so I thought, no problem. No surprises this time. So then I go into the VP's office to finish filling out my paperwork, and he steps out to take care of something. An oldish Asian man comes into the office, sits at the desk, picks up my resume, and stares at it for awhile. I didn't know who he was and he didn't greet me, so I just kept writing.
Then out of the blue he asks "han-gook-mahl heh-yo?" (do you speak Korean?)
[trying not to show how shocked I am but likely failing] "Neh" (yes)
So he proceeds to conduct an interview IN KOREAN. Well, until we got technical and I was clearly not hacking it anymore. I can honestly say that of all the things on my resume, this was probably the last thing that would get tested at an interview.
I think it was fine, but...still reeling from the shock.
Sab's reaction?
"wow, all those years of "yadan-cheoh"-ing you about your etiquettte may finally pay off! other than that stuff, korean business etiquette revolves around drinking, so I guess we'll teach you how to drink. and karaoke."
Clearly, hitting me on the head with the paddle for saying "yeah" is what caused my behavior to be acceptable when it counted...my silly Sabs.
Although now I have a dilemma because if the Korean manager calls me, I don't know whether to answer in Korean or English. What would be the proper thing to do?
Thursday, January 26, 2006
couples...
I wouldn't go so far as to call it a gift of prophecy...but I do happen to have this strange knack for predicting couples way before they're even interested in each other. (Or at least, before they start dating).
I give you...
Exhibit A: Natherica (plus Nancy)
Picture taken: random night at Phi Sig when d-crew went to play Mario Kart, probably around March 2004.
They started dating about a year later...apparently Nathan was afraid to tell me because of my non-fraternization stances. Haha, I told him it was OK - it's not like he was abusing bb status and hitting on a freshman white belt or anything... *ahem*
Exhibit B: Jerrandra
Picture taken: TKD banquet, May 2004.
They started dating...uh, Sandra fill me in? About 6 months later? C'mon now...this picture is WAY too cute for them to not have ended up together...
And the best for last...
Exhibit C: Sudanny
Picture taken: Asian American Leadership Conference at Toah Nipi - 2000? I have not the patience to photoshop some arrows in, but you can see them, top row to the left, they even ended up posing next to each other. (Don't they look YOUNG?)
They started dating about 3 years later...and now they're engaged to be married. (YAY!)
(On a side note - I'm the youngest person in this picture...wow THAT hasn't happened in a long time!)
So there you have it. If you'd like to flip through my photo albums and see who you're unknowingly standing next to...just let me know. =)
I give you...
Exhibit A: Natherica (plus Nancy)
Picture taken: random night at Phi Sig when d-crew went to play Mario Kart, probably around March 2004.
They started dating about a year later...apparently Nathan was afraid to tell me because of my non-fraternization stances. Haha, I told him it was OK - it's not like he was abusing bb status and hitting on a freshman white belt or anything... *ahem*
Exhibit B: Jerrandra
Picture taken: TKD banquet, May 2004.
They started dating...uh, Sandra fill me in? About 6 months later? C'mon now...this picture is WAY too cute for them to not have ended up together...
And the best for last...
Exhibit C: Sudanny
Picture taken: Asian American Leadership Conference at Toah Nipi - 2000? I have not the patience to photoshop some arrows in, but you can see them, top row to the left, they even ended up posing next to each other. (Don't they look YOUNG?)
They started dating about 3 years later...and now they're engaged to be married. (YAY!)
(On a side note - I'm the youngest person in this picture...wow THAT hasn't happened in a long time!)
So there you have it. If you'd like to flip through my photo albums and see who you're unknowingly standing next to...just let me know. =)
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
inspiration
Haha I couldn't help it...this is so funny...
Reminds me of going to the Athena clusters in the morning and seeing people who've been there all night, unshaven and gross.
Monday, January 23, 2006
worrying
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about you body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? -Matthew 6:25-27
* * * * * * * * *
It's funny how confirmation works...
One of the great things about this trip (aside from all the aforementioned items) was that there was a decent amount of free time outside of the regularly scheduled training and sightseeing activities. I got to briefly meet up with lakim, spend a night at home with the parents, and have an evening out with pyang. I wish I'd had more time to catch more people, but considering that the purpose of the trip was to coach and develop the team, I was really thankful to have had any personal time at all.
I was on the phone for much of this trip, stuck in negotiations with added curve balls to the already unclear decision-making (ugh, one of my least favorite things to do, right up there with going to the doctor and running long distances). But in light of where I was at, it was particularly encouraging to sit down and share and catch up with pyang. Usually encouragement comes in the form of sharing with other people and praying together, or the way they offer some nugget of wisdom...but this time it was almost the other way around. The encouragement came from hearing about what God has been doing in someone else, through what he's been learning. In a strange way, it was confirmation of the things He's been teaching me by seeing it play out tangibly in someone else's life.
Is that not backwards-ly weird? I was sitting on the plane, going in and out of sleep, and that's what ended up hitting me. No matter how much I plan and plan and things may seem to be falling into place - if it's not God's will, it just won't happen. Or conversely - if it doesn't happen then it's not God's will. Well, that certainly clears up some confusion lately regarding pieces seemingly fitting together then falling apart.
One thing I came away from the conversation thinking about was this:
We spend so much of our lives preparing, planning, or otherwise doing things for the future. What about now? Why worry so much looking forwards - so much so that today could be passing me by?
Particularly as I've been forced to define what my priorities and goals/visions are lately, it's pretty clear to me that my decisions tend to fall into very distinct categories:
1) Things I "should" do based on my education, securing my future, and otherwise feeling responsible.
2) Things I "want" to do based on my passions, giftings, and just plain where my heart is.
With each year that goes by, I think I'm becoming more and more aware of the second category.The age-old theme of AP English returns: love vs. duty. Idealistically, you'd always follow your heart. Go with your gut. Live without regrets. Carpe Diem. But in reality - you have to do the "right" thing. There are bills to pay, investments to make, careers to build...
It's a fine line to toe, but as I think back to our conversation, I'm encouraged in the reminder that although sometimes it seems that nothing is fitting into place in my 'plan' (or flow chart, as the case may be) - in the end all that worrying and planning is moot because God has a better plan.
Given that - every day should be lived joyfully. Not frivolously wasted, but not so consumed with toiling for tomorrow that it can't be enjoyed.
So easy to say...but so hard to just let go. New Year's Resolution #2 - worry less, rejoice more. Plan less, live more.
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. -Matthew 6:33-34
Saturday, January 21, 2006
CA
Things I love about California:
1) Sunshine. I trodded to breakfast in shorts and flip flops in the dead of winter. Just the way it should be...
2) Fruit. Jason's mom sliced oranges for us after every practice. They were the best tasting oranges I've ever had. Oh man, anyone who brings me fresh fruit after practice is my hero. I love Korean mommys...even if they're not my own. It's like, you have a kid and BAM, you're a master at cutting fruit.
3) Wide open highways. 4 lanes trumps 2 lanes.
4) Right turns on red lights. Makes life so much faster!4) Mexican food. Like, real Mexican food, quite possibly made by illegal immigrants. Haha jk, that's more down in LA/SD. Chevy's is a chain, but it was still really good...
5) In n' Out. I had a milkshake for the first time in my life. I like how their drink containers all say "John 3:16" on the bottoms.
6) Mom's cooking. Hands down best ever. I got my mi-yuk-gook quota for the month, I'm a happy camper.
7) Boba. It just ain't the same on the East Coast. And it costs twice as much...As I've been doing all this contemplating and weighing out my priorities and seeing what's REALLY important to me lately...haha I'm seeing that food is one of them. Taste and see that the Lord is good, no?
2 more days of hauling the SUV around, and then back to NY...
1) Sunshine. I trodded to breakfast in shorts and flip flops in the dead of winter. Just the way it should be...
2) Fruit. Jason's mom sliced oranges for us after every practice. They were the best tasting oranges I've ever had. Oh man, anyone who brings me fresh fruit after practice is my hero. I love Korean mommys...even if they're not my own. It's like, you have a kid and BAM, you're a master at cutting fruit.
3) Wide open highways. 4 lanes trumps 2 lanes.
4) Right turns on red lights. Makes life so much faster!4) Mexican food. Like, real Mexican food, quite possibly made by illegal immigrants. Haha jk, that's more down in LA/SD. Chevy's is a chain, but it was still really good...
5) In n' Out. I had a milkshake for the first time in my life. I like how their drink containers all say "John 3:16" on the bottoms.
6) Mom's cooking. Hands down best ever. I got my mi-yuk-gook quota for the month, I'm a happy camper.
7) Boba. It just ain't the same on the East Coast. And it costs twice as much...As I've been doing all this contemplating and weighing out my priorities and seeing what's REALLY important to me lately...haha I'm seeing that food is one of them. Taste and see that the Lord is good, no?
2 more days of hauling the SUV around, and then back to NY...
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
He understands
Come Home Running - Chris Tomlin
Oh heart of mine, come back home
You've been too long out on your own
And He's been there all along
Watching for you down the road
So come home running
His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus
He understands
He is the answer
You are looking for
So come home running
Just as you are
* * * * *
For some reason, whenever I teach a private lesson on weekends after a class, Dylan is at the dojang and wants to play with me. Dyllie has this obsession with running laps around the dojang, and wanting to race from one end to the other. (And for me to either run with him, or time him). So classically the mang-neh (youngest child), he's desperate for attention. But when I'm teaching, I can't just drop everything and play with him, so Sab Jr distracted him and got him to leave me alone.
When I gave my student a water break, I turned around and saw Dylan rev himself up in preparation to sprint across the room. One hand on the mirror on one end of the room, he looks up, and grins at his samchoon (uncle). Sab is sitting on the other side of the room, and opens his arms up so Dylan can run into them. He promptly sprints across the room and tries to bowl his uncle over, dissolving into a fit of giggles.
There's something about being able to be a little kid and see someone who loves you with their arms open wide, just waiting for you to run into them. Someone who will catch you and hold you.
This song challenges me that Jesus understands. In the midst of all this uncertainty and lack of clarity...I get this feeling that I just have to know that He understands.
Oh heart of mine, come back home
You've been too long out on your own
And He's been there all along
Watching for you down the road
So come home running
His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus
He understands
He is the answer
You are looking for
So come home running
Just as you are
* * * * *
For some reason, whenever I teach a private lesson on weekends after a class, Dylan is at the dojang and wants to play with me. Dyllie has this obsession with running laps around the dojang, and wanting to race from one end to the other. (And for me to either run with him, or time him). So classically the mang-neh (youngest child), he's desperate for attention. But when I'm teaching, I can't just drop everything and play with him, so Sab Jr distracted him and got him to leave me alone.
When I gave my student a water break, I turned around and saw Dylan rev himself up in preparation to sprint across the room. One hand on the mirror on one end of the room, he looks up, and grins at his samchoon (uncle). Sab is sitting on the other side of the room, and opens his arms up so Dylan can run into them. He promptly sprints across the room and tries to bowl his uncle over, dissolving into a fit of giggles.
There's something about being able to be a little kid and see someone who loves you with their arms open wide, just waiting for you to run into them. Someone who will catch you and hold you.
This song challenges me that Jesus understands. In the midst of all this uncertainty and lack of clarity...I get this feeling that I just have to know that He understands.
Monday, January 16, 2006
theories
Jooho is funny. I find all these theories that people have about relationships really amusing...ah, the neverending topic amongst single Asian Christians. I still remember the days of shiau_d and "so...who do YOU like?" (Gosh, another one bites the dust...congrats Dan!)
Off the top of my head, I think it's pretty simple: girls can be won over. Prove yourself to be caring and faithful, and you'll eventually win her over. Guys, not so much. (Believe me, I've tried and failed). Everyone has so many theories about girls - someone explain to me how guys work. Now THAT would be useful.
Off the top of my head, I think it's pretty simple: girls can be won over. Prove yourself to be caring and faithful, and you'll eventually win her over. Guys, not so much. (Believe me, I've tried and failed). Everyone has so many theories about girls - someone explain to me how guys work. Now THAT would be useful.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
wrestling
"[God] is able to do infinitely more than we ever dare to ask." -Ephesians 3:20
Funny how this was the focus verse in one of my QT's during the lowest part of last week. With the ever-recurring New Year's Resolution to be consistent with quiet times (hey, you know you made it too), I've been using the Power Up daily devotions from Sports Spectrum, and it's been pretty good so far. (By the way, great magazine for Christian athletes or sports enthusiasts - I highly recommend it!)
So when I think about the anecdote that they give, I realized that there are certain aspects of my life that are touchy points with God. Usually where the track record has been one where it's very difficult to see not only that He's still with me, but that He will provide. I think one of the hardest things for me to reconcile is when I've felt abandoned by God. I know that that is not true - His promises say that He won't leave us or forsake us...but sometimes when you feel that God has passed you by, it's a real test of faith to hang on to what you really can't see in the moment. What you can't see until later. What you may not ever see in this lifetime.
Career/employment has been a difficult arena where I've really wrestled with God and struggled to find His will - sometimes in the midst of seeming silence. It's been a blow to my ego from day 1 of my first job search back when I was graduating from grad school, to see the economy flop and offers that seemed to be in the bag turn around and be rescinded. And in the midst of this, it was even more confusing to watch those around me be provided for and find careers that suited them, yet never find that same satisfaction or direction myself. I struggled each year with feelings of abandonment and lack of direction, and even now carry the question of provision and resolution with me.
Coming out of school I had what seemed to be an attractive resume and decent interviewing skills. Finding a job was not something I thought I would ever have to worry about. However, I quickly realized that a job is not just about employment and what you do for 8+ hours a day, but that there were other factors to consider including location, atmosphere, growth, industry...and more. After much fruitless searching, with an inkling that I was to stay in Boston and serve on IV staff - I found myself back at square one. It was almost as if He'd shut all other possible doors to be employed at the same time, so I decided to take the full year off from working.
The following year, I was challenged to pursue this Taekwondo thing, and investigate what God's purpose was for certain talents and passions I had. In the midst of yet another stab at interviewing and flying all across the country to take exams and put on my happy face, I finally made the hard decision of forfeiting a well-paying and resume-building opportunity to move to New York and pursue this crazy pipe dream. Last year, the choice came down to "what I should do" vs. "what I want to do". This is what makes me an ESFJ - I went with my heart. Turning down Exxon was one of the hardest decisions I had to make, because it wasn't as if I had another offer on the table - I was turning all of that down for an unknown. As far as I could tell, I was going to take my 2 degrees from MIT and go work at Starbucks.
Ironically, after all of the stress of technical interviewing, sitting by the phone for companies to string me along, and turning down the only offer I had - when I felt convicted to move for another purpose, flying by the seat of my pants and trusting God to provide - an engineering related job near the city fell into my lap. I had literally finished writing the email to Sabs asking for a meeting to discuss the proposal for my moving to NYC, when I was called for an interview. It's not rocket science and there is much to be desired on many fronts, but it's gotten me by for the past year and change.
I can't say I regret the decisions and sacrifices I've made, because for what was sacrificed in career I've gained in life lessons and experiences. Some painful, some phenomenal - but all insightful and definitely memorable. The year on Staff was unforgettable, with experiences in ministry that have shaped me and showed me God's heart for the campus. Having never gone on a missions trip, that year was, in a way, like a missions trip into college ministry. This past year in Taekwondo has been one of discovery and sharpening of my character, with lessons in discipline and perseverance and strangely enough, in love. Not a cheesy romantic love, but in understanding love that is shown through sacrifice, deepening relationships to the point of allowing hurt to cut deep, and experiencing reconciliation and redemption.
As I approach yet another fork in the road with variations on the same theme, I can't help but wonder why these situations recur. Once again after a quick frenzy of interviews, I'm presented with the same question of what my dealbreakers are and what I truly prioritize. Am I willing to give up the "better" choice on paper for where my heart tells me to go? Or is it time to grow up and be "responsible"? Will God provide a direction that will not be just "settling"? Does it always have to be black and white? Will my career have to continue to take such a complete backseat for the other priorities in my life, or is there a way to make it work? Is it wasting the opportunities in education that God has given me, should I choose once again not to pursue that arena?
Sometimes I wonder if God gives me hard decisions to make with variables that cannot be easily compared so that I search for and refine my priorities...or whether it's to render me helpless to have no choice but to follow...(and maybe it's un-holy to say but let's face it - I really don't like it).
It's like when I teach private lessons, sometimes when the kids groan at the prospect of a drill and drag their feet in anticipation of something they don't want to do, I'll give them a choice.
"You can do 3 sets in a row, or you can do the 3 sets with a break in between, but have an extra drill of my choice at the end"
Inevitably, the kids will always ask me "well, what's the extra drill gonna be?"
Naturally, they'd want to know what the full options are before making a decision - these aren't stupid kids. But I never tell them. Last week this happened with one of my girls, and after deliberating, she finally just shrugged and said "either way, you're going to decide what we do, so it doesn't really matter." Sometimes that simple faith that my kids give me is so challenging - if these kids can trust me to push them to their limits yet give me 100%...why can't I give that same trust to God?
In the midst of all this uncertainty, I wonder what to do with the choices or lack thereof before me. I wonder how God plans to put the pieces of my life together, because it seems so unlikely to me that they could possibly fit together - something's gotta give. I realized recently that the chip on my shoulder still remains: will God provide?
Much like Jacob in the chasm, I often feel like I'm wrestling with God and not making any progress.
24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak." But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me." -Genesis 32:24-26
In his book "Daring to Draw Near", John White has a whole chapter on this passage. (Would highly recommend this book if you're looking to study prayer).
Picture the wrestling as God seeking to help Jacob understand something. Picture him as urging upon Jacob truths that Jacob was unwilling to see. Picture him, as they struggle, trying to convince Jacob that he means him no harm, that his intentions are not malicious but merciful...
But Jacob is too afraid. All his life he has learned one lesson: It is safe to trust no one. Jacob must fight his own battles. So he wrestles on, terrified but unyielding. Then, suddenly - incredible pain and a useless leg.
Have you ever tried wrestling with lumbago or a slipped disc? If you should ever find yourself in Jacob's situation, let me tell you what you will do. You will cling. You will hang onto your opponent with desperation. Either you cling or you fall.
And through the fog of pain and terror the words begin to penetrate Jacob's brain, "Let me go, for the day is breaking."
Let him go? How can he? He isn't even sure whether he can walk...
...for once, since he has no choice, no other hope, Jacob's tenacity is turned in the right direction.
"I will not let you go unless you bless me."
They are words that God has waited over forty years to hear. He would have preferred that Jacob recognize his helplessness and cast himself on the mercy of his God long before. He did not wish to reduce him to such an extremity, but Jacob left him little choice. And God's response is swift in coming. Jacob had conquered by his helpless dependency.
I used to read that passage and think that Jacob had had the audacity to challenge God to a wrestling match and force God to use His advantage to cripple him to win. It seemed strange to me that God couldn't just beat him fair and square. But now when I think about it, God didn't want to beat him. God wanted Jacob to understand that he needed Him. And for how stubborn Jacob was, God had to take him to a point where he realized he couldn't do it on his own.
I'm still approaching this week (or coming weeks, should this be dragged out) with trepidation. But perhaps the lack of certainty or security is the point.
Michael Card said it best:
To hear with my heart, to see with my soul
To be guided by a hand I cannot hold
To trust in a way that I cannot see
That's what faith must be
Funny how this was the focus verse in one of my QT's during the lowest part of last week. With the ever-recurring New Year's Resolution to be consistent with quiet times (hey, you know you made it too), I've been using the Power Up daily devotions from Sports Spectrum, and it's been pretty good so far. (By the way, great magazine for Christian athletes or sports enthusiasts - I highly recommend it!)
So when I think about the anecdote that they give, I realized that there are certain aspects of my life that are touchy points with God. Usually where the track record has been one where it's very difficult to see not only that He's still with me, but that He will provide. I think one of the hardest things for me to reconcile is when I've felt abandoned by God. I know that that is not true - His promises say that He won't leave us or forsake us...but sometimes when you feel that God has passed you by, it's a real test of faith to hang on to what you really can't see in the moment. What you can't see until later. What you may not ever see in this lifetime.
Career/employment has been a difficult arena where I've really wrestled with God and struggled to find His will - sometimes in the midst of seeming silence. It's been a blow to my ego from day 1 of my first job search back when I was graduating from grad school, to see the economy flop and offers that seemed to be in the bag turn around and be rescinded. And in the midst of this, it was even more confusing to watch those around me be provided for and find careers that suited them, yet never find that same satisfaction or direction myself. I struggled each year with feelings of abandonment and lack of direction, and even now carry the question of provision and resolution with me.
Coming out of school I had what seemed to be an attractive resume and decent interviewing skills. Finding a job was not something I thought I would ever have to worry about. However, I quickly realized that a job is not just about employment and what you do for 8+ hours a day, but that there were other factors to consider including location, atmosphere, growth, industry...and more. After much fruitless searching, with an inkling that I was to stay in Boston and serve on IV staff - I found myself back at square one. It was almost as if He'd shut all other possible doors to be employed at the same time, so I decided to take the full year off from working.
The following year, I was challenged to pursue this Taekwondo thing, and investigate what God's purpose was for certain talents and passions I had. In the midst of yet another stab at interviewing and flying all across the country to take exams and put on my happy face, I finally made the hard decision of forfeiting a well-paying and resume-building opportunity to move to New York and pursue this crazy pipe dream. Last year, the choice came down to "what I should do" vs. "what I want to do". This is what makes me an ESFJ - I went with my heart. Turning down Exxon was one of the hardest decisions I had to make, because it wasn't as if I had another offer on the table - I was turning all of that down for an unknown. As far as I could tell, I was going to take my 2 degrees from MIT and go work at Starbucks.
Ironically, after all of the stress of technical interviewing, sitting by the phone for companies to string me along, and turning down the only offer I had - when I felt convicted to move for another purpose, flying by the seat of my pants and trusting God to provide - an engineering related job near the city fell into my lap. I had literally finished writing the email to Sabs asking for a meeting to discuss the proposal for my moving to NYC, when I was called for an interview. It's not rocket science and there is much to be desired on many fronts, but it's gotten me by for the past year and change.
I can't say I regret the decisions and sacrifices I've made, because for what was sacrificed in career I've gained in life lessons and experiences. Some painful, some phenomenal - but all insightful and definitely memorable. The year on Staff was unforgettable, with experiences in ministry that have shaped me and showed me God's heart for the campus. Having never gone on a missions trip, that year was, in a way, like a missions trip into college ministry. This past year in Taekwondo has been one of discovery and sharpening of my character, with lessons in discipline and perseverance and strangely enough, in love. Not a cheesy romantic love, but in understanding love that is shown through sacrifice, deepening relationships to the point of allowing hurt to cut deep, and experiencing reconciliation and redemption.
As I approach yet another fork in the road with variations on the same theme, I can't help but wonder why these situations recur. Once again after a quick frenzy of interviews, I'm presented with the same question of what my dealbreakers are and what I truly prioritize. Am I willing to give up the "better" choice on paper for where my heart tells me to go? Or is it time to grow up and be "responsible"? Will God provide a direction that will not be just "settling"? Does it always have to be black and white? Will my career have to continue to take such a complete backseat for the other priorities in my life, or is there a way to make it work? Is it wasting the opportunities in education that God has given me, should I choose once again not to pursue that arena?
Sometimes I wonder if God gives me hard decisions to make with variables that cannot be easily compared so that I search for and refine my priorities...or whether it's to render me helpless to have no choice but to follow...(and maybe it's un-holy to say but let's face it - I really don't like it).
It's like when I teach private lessons, sometimes when the kids groan at the prospect of a drill and drag their feet in anticipation of something they don't want to do, I'll give them a choice.
"You can do 3 sets in a row, or you can do the 3 sets with a break in between, but have an extra drill of my choice at the end"
Inevitably, the kids will always ask me "well, what's the extra drill gonna be?"
Naturally, they'd want to know what the full options are before making a decision - these aren't stupid kids. But I never tell them. Last week this happened with one of my girls, and after deliberating, she finally just shrugged and said "either way, you're going to decide what we do, so it doesn't really matter." Sometimes that simple faith that my kids give me is so challenging - if these kids can trust me to push them to their limits yet give me 100%...why can't I give that same trust to God?
In the midst of all this uncertainty, I wonder what to do with the choices or lack thereof before me. I wonder how God plans to put the pieces of my life together, because it seems so unlikely to me that they could possibly fit together - something's gotta give. I realized recently that the chip on my shoulder still remains: will God provide?
Much like Jacob in the chasm, I often feel like I'm wrestling with God and not making any progress.
24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak." But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me." -Genesis 32:24-26
In his book "Daring to Draw Near", John White has a whole chapter on this passage. (Would highly recommend this book if you're looking to study prayer).
Picture the wrestling as God seeking to help Jacob understand something. Picture him as urging upon Jacob truths that Jacob was unwilling to see. Picture him, as they struggle, trying to convince Jacob that he means him no harm, that his intentions are not malicious but merciful...
But Jacob is too afraid. All his life he has learned one lesson: It is safe to trust no one. Jacob must fight his own battles. So he wrestles on, terrified but unyielding. Then, suddenly - incredible pain and a useless leg.
Have you ever tried wrestling with lumbago or a slipped disc? If you should ever find yourself in Jacob's situation, let me tell you what you will do. You will cling. You will hang onto your opponent with desperation. Either you cling or you fall.
And through the fog of pain and terror the words begin to penetrate Jacob's brain, "Let me go, for the day is breaking."
Let him go? How can he? He isn't even sure whether he can walk...
...for once, since he has no choice, no other hope, Jacob's tenacity is turned in the right direction.
"I will not let you go unless you bless me."
They are words that God has waited over forty years to hear. He would have preferred that Jacob recognize his helplessness and cast himself on the mercy of his God long before. He did not wish to reduce him to such an extremity, but Jacob left him little choice. And God's response is swift in coming. Jacob had conquered by his helpless dependency.
I used to read that passage and think that Jacob had had the audacity to challenge God to a wrestling match and force God to use His advantage to cripple him to win. It seemed strange to me that God couldn't just beat him fair and square. But now when I think about it, God didn't want to beat him. God wanted Jacob to understand that he needed Him. And for how stubborn Jacob was, God had to take him to a point where he realized he couldn't do it on his own.
I'm still approaching this week (or coming weeks, should this be dragged out) with trepidation. But perhaps the lack of certainty or security is the point.
Michael Card said it best:
To hear with my heart, to see with my soul
To be guided by a hand I cannot hold
To trust in a way that I cannot see
That's what faith must be
pushover
Dylan comes running over to me today, grabs my hand, and says
"Christinoona, do you know how to dance?"
"Um, not really, Dyllie, Christinoona's not a good dancer. Why?"
"Oh...(clearly disappointed) because I want YOU to be in the dance-off too!"
Dylan LOVES to dance. Aside from the fact that the boy really does have moves, he's taking hip hop dance classes AND he has the cute factor of being 6 yrs old on his side. His obsesion has been challenging James to a dance-off contest, of which I've happily been a judge until this point.
"I'm sorry Dyllie, Christinoona's a part of the group of Koreans that can't dance" (Much like his hyung-ah...Mrs. Sab always jokes about how one of her boys got white genes and the other got black genes when it comes to dancing.)
OK now he's REALLY disappointed.
"Um...OK but for you, I'll learn how to dance. How's that?"
I'm such a pushover. God help us all when I have children of my own. Eh, he's 6...he'll probably forget about this conversation...I hope.
"Christinoona, do you know how to dance?"
"Um, not really, Dyllie, Christinoona's not a good dancer. Why?"
"Oh...(clearly disappointed) because I want YOU to be in the dance-off too!"
Dylan LOVES to dance. Aside from the fact that the boy really does have moves, he's taking hip hop dance classes AND he has the cute factor of being 6 yrs old on his side. His obsesion has been challenging James to a dance-off contest, of which I've happily been a judge until this point.
"I'm sorry Dyllie, Christinoona's a part of the group of Koreans that can't dance" (Much like his hyung-ah...Mrs. Sab always jokes about how one of her boys got white genes and the other got black genes when it comes to dancing.)
OK now he's REALLY disappointed.
"Um...OK but for you, I'll learn how to dance. How's that?"
I'm such a pushover. God help us all when I have children of my own. Eh, he's 6...he'll probably forget about this conversation...I hope.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
note to self
Well now I have a story to tell when people want to know what your most embarassing moment was...
I was on my connecting flight from Colorado Springs to Chicago, on one of those small Airbus planes with only two seats on either side. I hadn't slept properly all weekend because I was too excited the night before and after the competition (well, different kinds of excitement, trepidation vs. satisfaction). I figured I'd probably konk out on the plane and recuperate on the way home.
As most have figured out from my AIM sn - I spend a lot of time being tired. And it's not often I hit this state, but when I'm supremely tired - I twitch. This rather unfortunate series of events began with my usual post-competition fare: Coca-Cola. I love Coke, and try to moderate before competitions...but after it's over, I get it every opportunity I have.
So there's this nice cup of Coke sitting on my tray table...and I slowly nod off before I even get a chance to drink it...when I'm suddenly jolted awake by a violent twitch, which sends my hand flying into my cup, spilling the contents all over myself and the guy next to me.
I have never been so absolutely mortified in my life. Spilling a cold sticky soda all over a random stranger's lap...and obviously it's not like I could help him mop it up or anything. Gosh he was really gracious about it...I don't know what I would've done if someone had done that to me.
But after that I had an awkward 2 hours left of the flight, in which I was afraid to sleep because I might twitch and do something else embarassing, like hit him. It was the longest flight of my life.
Note to self - sleep well before getting ON a plane.
I was on my connecting flight from Colorado Springs to Chicago, on one of those small Airbus planes with only two seats on either side. I hadn't slept properly all weekend because I was too excited the night before and after the competition (well, different kinds of excitement, trepidation vs. satisfaction). I figured I'd probably konk out on the plane and recuperate on the way home.
As most have figured out from my AIM sn - I spend a lot of time being tired. And it's not often I hit this state, but when I'm supremely tired - I twitch. This rather unfortunate series of events began with my usual post-competition fare: Coca-Cola. I love Coke, and try to moderate before competitions...but after it's over, I get it every opportunity I have.
So there's this nice cup of Coke sitting on my tray table...and I slowly nod off before I even get a chance to drink it...when I'm suddenly jolted awake by a violent twitch, which sends my hand flying into my cup, spilling the contents all over myself and the guy next to me.
I have never been so absolutely mortified in my life. Spilling a cold sticky soda all over a random stranger's lap...and obviously it's not like I could help him mop it up or anything. Gosh he was really gracious about it...I don't know what I would've done if someone had done that to me.
But after that I had an awkward 2 hours left of the flight, in which I was afraid to sleep because I might twitch and do something else embarassing, like hit him. It was the longest flight of my life.
Note to self - sleep well before getting ON a plane.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Monday, January 09, 2006
Sunday, January 08, 2006
call me ahab
In the words of Mr. Bean in Rat Race...
My favorite part of watching any sports game or match is not the great plays, the close calls, and certainly not the suspense...my favorite part is at the end of the game, particularly a close championships game - the instantaneous moment that the winning team realizes that they've won. It always makes me cry to see the players storm the field and start hugging each other and crying and screaming in excitement...that one moment of joy when you see all that work and sacrifice become worth it for them...that to me is one of the most beautifully pure things I've seen.
I had an awful practice the night before I left, and as usual Sabs didn't know what to do with my frustrations.
S Jr: "No crying this weekend."
me: "Well...what if I win? Then can I cry?"
S Jr: "OK. If you win, you can cry"
And although I went through most of the day with a strange sense of peace and relaxation (very bizarre on competition day, if you know me) - there was that moment when the critical match ended and I realized I had FINALLY beaten the girl who has beaten me for the last 4 years...when I had achieved my singlemost personal goal in competition - that I couldn't stop myself from crying. It happened when they lined us up to bow us out and declare the winner, and I looked at the scoreboard with my side blinking. I tried to fight it as I went to shake the other coach's hand - but when I turned around and ran back to Sab Sr and saw the look on his face, it was just over. I don't think I've ever lost it that badly, even when I've been upset.
On the phone, immediately following competition:
S Jr: "goh-man ooh-ruh...weh-ooh-ruh?" ("stop crying...why are you crying?")
me: "hey, YOU said I could cry if I won, and I won! I'm HAPPY!!"
S Jr: "fine...but stop crying"
Some things just don't ever change...haha esp. if they're middle aged Korean men.
For all that I've complained about New York and all the trauma and drama that has occured in the last 16 months...yesterday made it all worth it. I finally caught my white whale.
Praise God...
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
awareness
The other day I was walking down Broadway, minding my own business, listening to my iPod...when suddenly someone grabs me. A big black guy in a parka and a beanie. (Not trying to be racist, just descriptive).
Momentary shock.
And then he kind of shakes me and says "CHRISTINA!!!"
"Um...yeah?"
"I've been calling your name for half a block! I didn't see you had earphones on until I grabbed you, I thought you were ignorning me...geez you looked like you were going to narabam me!"
Finally my brain registers who it is - it was Sean, this heavyweight who used to work out with me, but hasn't been to TKD in awhile. He's a big guy. I haven't seen him in awhile. And clearly I'm oblivious to the outside world while I'm trying to get from Point A to Point B in the cold.
So...for those who ask what I would do if someone attacked me on the street...well, the answer this time was...stare blankly. I am LAME. Well, at least he THOUGHT I was going to defend myself. Though really, who would do a narabam (this spinning fancy kick) when you could just kick a guy in the groin? (Sorry, guys).
The irony was, in class that night, Mr. E decided to go over self-defense and choke escapes. I seriously need to work on my awareness...eesh.
Momentary shock.
And then he kind of shakes me and says "CHRISTINA!!!"
"Um...yeah?"
"I've been calling your name for half a block! I didn't see you had earphones on until I grabbed you, I thought you were ignorning me...geez you looked like you were going to narabam me!"
Finally my brain registers who it is - it was Sean, this heavyweight who used to work out with me, but hasn't been to TKD in awhile. He's a big guy. I haven't seen him in awhile. And clearly I'm oblivious to the outside world while I'm trying to get from Point A to Point B in the cold.
So...for those who ask what I would do if someone attacked me on the street...well, the answer this time was...stare blankly. I am LAME. Well, at least he THOUGHT I was going to defend myself. Though really, who would do a narabam (this spinning fancy kick) when you could just kick a guy in the groin? (Sorry, guys).
The irony was, in class that night, Mr. E decided to go over self-defense and choke escapes. I seriously need to work on my awareness...eesh.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
amazing grace
I'm in the middle of rereading "What's So Amazing about Grace", and it's helping me filter and recognize more of the acts of grace around me. In spite of the day that wouldn't die yesterday, in which I was told I needed surgery and I might have dug myself deeper in the hole of losing all my iTunes (but thanks everyone who's trying to help me recover them!)
In an attempt to counter the snowball effect of fixating on all the things that went wrong (something I do too often), I'm going to think about what I'm thankful for (something I don't do enough).
1) My Jewish family and the ridiculous hospitality that they show, especially around tournament time, to make sure I'm fed with good food. I read the other day that grace was extravagent. I saw that clearly last night with a homey dinner with the kids and the offer from M (the babysitter/housekeeper) to pack me a dinner every night this week that I couldn't come to dinner so I could eat a home-cooked meal after practice. How nice is that? And she's catering the menu to my carbo-loading needs. Wow.
2) The bus driver who waited for me yesterday. For all the times buses have passed me by - after work, it was raining and I was crossing Astoria Blvd when I saw the m60 bus coming from afar. I closed my umbrella, bolted across the street (even though the light wasn't quite changed yet), and started sprinting 3 blocks to the bus stop. I looked up through the rain and saw that there wasn't anyone at the bus stop, and knew that the bus was about to pass me by.
The bus passed me while I still had a block left to go.
And then it put its blinker on. It was going to stop! So I kept sprinting, got to the bus, and tried to thank the driver for stopping (but since I couldn't breathe, it came out more like "th-nn-nkk-ks"). He said "well, I figure if you're running, I'd stop for you".
That saved me 20-30 more minutes of waiting in the rain. Yay for nice bus driver! (The other people on the bus looked at me like I was crazy because it took me awhile to stop heaving).
3) The fact that Sr comes with me to all these tournaments, paying his own way. It's really not the protocol for coaches to pay out of pocket to go and coach. In fact, it makes me feel guilty because when I go to away tournaments to coach kids, their parents pay my way. That's just how it's done. However, given the large difference (let's face it - vast chasm) between Sr's paycheck and mine, and I guess to some extent our relationship, he's never asked me to cover his expenses. Which is a relief because I just wouldn't be able to.
Yancey defines grace as something that "costs everything for the giver and nothing for the recipient". Something to ponder...
In an attempt to counter the snowball effect of fixating on all the things that went wrong (something I do too often), I'm going to think about what I'm thankful for (something I don't do enough).
1) My Jewish family and the ridiculous hospitality that they show, especially around tournament time, to make sure I'm fed with good food. I read the other day that grace was extravagent. I saw that clearly last night with a homey dinner with the kids and the offer from M (the babysitter/housekeeper) to pack me a dinner every night this week that I couldn't come to dinner so I could eat a home-cooked meal after practice. How nice is that? And she's catering the menu to my carbo-loading needs. Wow.
2) The bus driver who waited for me yesterday. For all the times buses have passed me by - after work, it was raining and I was crossing Astoria Blvd when I saw the m60 bus coming from afar. I closed my umbrella, bolted across the street (even though the light wasn't quite changed yet), and started sprinting 3 blocks to the bus stop. I looked up through the rain and saw that there wasn't anyone at the bus stop, and knew that the bus was about to pass me by.
The bus passed me while I still had a block left to go.
And then it put its blinker on. It was going to stop! So I kept sprinting, got to the bus, and tried to thank the driver for stopping (but since I couldn't breathe, it came out more like "th-nn-nkk-ks"). He said "well, I figure if you're running, I'd stop for you".
That saved me 20-30 more minutes of waiting in the rain. Yay for nice bus driver! (The other people on the bus looked at me like I was crazy because it took me awhile to stop heaving).
3) The fact that Sr comes with me to all these tournaments, paying his own way. It's really not the protocol for coaches to pay out of pocket to go and coach. In fact, it makes me feel guilty because when I go to away tournaments to coach kids, their parents pay my way. That's just how it's done. However, given the large difference (let's face it - vast chasm) between Sr's paycheck and mine, and I guess to some extent our relationship, he's never asked me to cover his expenses. Which is a relief because I just wouldn't be able to.
Yancey defines grace as something that "costs everything for the giver and nothing for the recipient". Something to ponder...
ignorance was bliss
Well. If I was as dramatic as I was last year, I would declare that my life was over. And I know it's not. But bad news is always hard to take.
I hurt my hand about a month ago while sparring. Unlike most typical hand injuries (broken and jammed fingers, sprained wrists...) this one caused my knuckles to swell into a bubble and was quite discolored. I thought it was just bruised, so I iced it, took some drugs, stopped punching, and it settled down. But then I went back to boxing and sparring, and any contact - even from knuckle pushups - made the injury recur.
So after awhile I just stopped punching altogether. But I was so frustrated at having my game crippled that I made an emergency appt with my sports therapist right before this tournament. Dr. V is THE MAN. He treats professional basketball and hockey players, and boxers - I would trust his judgement without question (and if you know me, you know I don't trust doctors at all).
I know, I'm a hypocrite. (Take the plank out of my eye). I always advise people to never go to the doctor BEFORE a major competition because it's just better psychologically not to know. The last thing you need is one more thing on your mind, or any reason to hesitate or hold back. But I really thought that at worst it would be a small fracture in my knuckle, and wanted to know it was nothing for my own peace of mind.
That's the last time I try to outsmart myself.
After a few x-rays an diagnostic tests, he tells me that I've torn the hood and that I need surgery. Well, the options were surgery or retire. I hate it when people give me ultimatums that involve retiring, because that's basically saying that I have to do what they say.
The prospect of surgery is one that I never really want to hear. Given my irrational fear of needles and being cut up, that's probably one of my worst things someone could tell me I need. When I tore my knee, the only thing keeping me in the gym through all that insane physical therapy was that it was the only alternative to surgery. Apparently I don't have that option this time.
Rawr.
Well, John (the x-ray guy in Dr. V's office) and I are becoming buddies. I tell him about Taekwondo, he tells me about Muy Thai. I have to say, his sport is worse...knees to the face? Ouch. He says I'm not his most frequent customer though - apparently there's some old lady out there that keeps falling and breaking things as she falls. I've never been so happy to come in 2nd place. Well, and most of my x-rays are negative, that should count for something...
*sigh*
Well at least he didn't tell me I couldn't compete. Though this is Dr. V - he'll always get me back in there no matter what. But this weekend just took another twist...I really dislike being discouraged this close to game day. Please pray for me...*sigh*
T-minus 4 days.
Trying to find perspective.
I hurt my hand about a month ago while sparring. Unlike most typical hand injuries (broken and jammed fingers, sprained wrists...) this one caused my knuckles to swell into a bubble and was quite discolored. I thought it was just bruised, so I iced it, took some drugs, stopped punching, and it settled down. But then I went back to boxing and sparring, and any contact - even from knuckle pushups - made the injury recur.
So after awhile I just stopped punching altogether. But I was so frustrated at having my game crippled that I made an emergency appt with my sports therapist right before this tournament. Dr. V is THE MAN. He treats professional basketball and hockey players, and boxers - I would trust his judgement without question (and if you know me, you know I don't trust doctors at all).
I know, I'm a hypocrite. (Take the plank out of my eye). I always advise people to never go to the doctor BEFORE a major competition because it's just better psychologically not to know. The last thing you need is one more thing on your mind, or any reason to hesitate or hold back. But I really thought that at worst it would be a small fracture in my knuckle, and wanted to know it was nothing for my own peace of mind.
That's the last time I try to outsmart myself.
After a few x-rays an diagnostic tests, he tells me that I've torn the hood and that I need surgery. Well, the options were surgery or retire. I hate it when people give me ultimatums that involve retiring, because that's basically saying that I have to do what they say.
The prospect of surgery is one that I never really want to hear. Given my irrational fear of needles and being cut up, that's probably one of my worst things someone could tell me I need. When I tore my knee, the only thing keeping me in the gym through all that insane physical therapy was that it was the only alternative to surgery. Apparently I don't have that option this time.
Rawr.
Well, John (the x-ray guy in Dr. V's office) and I are becoming buddies. I tell him about Taekwondo, he tells me about Muy Thai. I have to say, his sport is worse...knees to the face? Ouch. He says I'm not his most frequent customer though - apparently there's some old lady out there that keeps falling and breaking things as she falls. I've never been so happy to come in 2nd place. Well, and most of my x-rays are negative, that should count for something...
*sigh*
Well at least he didn't tell me I couldn't compete. Though this is Dr. V - he'll always get me back in there no matter what. But this weekend just took another twist...I really dislike being discouraged this close to game day. Please pray for me...*sigh*
T-minus 4 days.
Trying to find perspective.
Monday, January 02, 2006
no pain, no gain
As I get older (gosh I sound like a halmo) I'm seeing the difference between wants and needs. And how when they conflict, you have to do what is needed over what is wanted. (Or not wanted, as the case may be). I think this is one of the hardest positions to be in - when you realize what you must do but know that it will involve pain or sacrifice or something likewise unpleasant. Looking back at 2005, I feel like this year was characterized with learning how to endure pain and face irrational fears with a greater purpose and end goal in mind.
In short - making mature and responsible decisions. Not that I claim to be neither mature nor responsible, but in this in-between state of the mid-20's, I see both sides of the equation. At least, more clearly than I did before.
This popped up rather unexpectedly last week, when I jumped back into training mode and found my hamstrings in clear rebellion and in need of help. I'm talking moseying-like-a-cowboy, unable-to-reach-anywhere-near-my-toes kind of rebellion. It wasn't pretty.
My help was found in one of the other masters at the dojang: Mr. Lim the master stretcher. The man has a way of stretching hamstrings that gets you deep in your muscles, right to your limit when you think something's going to tear...and then lets you go to writhe on the floor trying to recover.
On one hand, nothing feels better than that feeling right after a good stretch. It's so 'shi-wun-heh' (no Korean on this computer)...refreshing? renewing? I can't express in English how good the feeling is. But it's so good, especially after you tire your muscles out with a good hard workout.
On the other hand - it's some of the most intense and excrutiating pain I've ever felt. And coming from someone who does a sport where the objective is to hit and be hit...that' s saying something. These 5-10 minutes of what I affectionately call the "Mr Lim Torture Sessions" run the gamut of emotions from wanting to saw off my own leg to wanting to take a nap.
The thing with Mr Lim is, you have to be careful what you ask for, because he doesn't do anything halfway. The man has absolutely no feelings of sympathy or pity - no guilt whatsoever about inflicting pain. I think the real reason why his stretching is so effective is because...he just doesn't care how much you scream and beg to be released...he won't let your leg go until he's gotten every last millimeter of stretch out of that muscle.
Particularly when I'm ramping up for a competition and working out hard so that my legs and hips are constantly shocked into tightness, stretching with Mr Lim is key to maintenance. Unpleasant, but key. I've scared many a white belt who have witnessed this, because even when we're contained in the glass sealed PeeWee room, there's a visceral reaction to fight it, screaming all the while. And by screaming I don't mean the way that I make sudden shrieks when something surprises me...like when I drop a piece of food on the ground. I'm talking about the verbal expression of pain that only comes from deep inside your gut when something is just THAT unbearable. It is, in fact, torture.
It's easy to see the value in training because there is one overarching purpose - to win. Everything you do or don't do is designed in layers that overlap to get you to your goal. And not everything is pleasant or 'fun' - in fact, much of it is just plain hard work. They don't cliche it 'blood, sweat, and tears' for nothing. But oftentimes it's in doing the things that you don't want to do and enduring initial pain that leads to increased performance.
As I look back on 2005, I'm seeing more clearly that it's often been in the times of pain, frustration or imcomprehension that I've been 'stretched' the most. Tearing my knee made me a better fighter. Having hard conversations with overbearing parents forced me into confrontation and helped me grow into my role of authority. Losing my temper and asking for forgiveness was humbling.
Ultimately, all this 'stretching' was merely growing pains. Sometimes willingly, oftentimes unwillingly...taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back...but always moving forwards. And though it's been excrutiatingly painful at the time that it's happening...you can't really learn and grow without it. And when looking back weeks, months, maybe even years later - it finally makes sense and feels good.
Stretching is funny like that - because in the end, you can't stretch yourself anywhere near as well as when someone else stretches you. It's physically impossible. But that someone better know what they're doing!
Mr Lim never works on my hamstrings unless I ask him to. Even though I fight it, there has to be a base level of cooperation to make any progress. When I think about it, I'm putting a crazy amount of trust in him, that he's not going to break my hamstring (which is the most valuable muscle for kicking!) I guess I'm admitting that he knows better than I do where my limits are and what's best for my legs. Even when it hurts.
I often ask God why things happen (it's that annoying little kid in me - I just have to know). But I think most of the time, He doesn't tell me because if I really knew...I wouldn't go through with things because I'd be too fixated on the unpleasantries at hand. But there's comfort in knowing that He knows better than I do where my limits are and what's best. Even when it hurts.
Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 3:13-14
T-minus 5 days.
In short - making mature and responsible decisions. Not that I claim to be neither mature nor responsible, but in this in-between state of the mid-20's, I see both sides of the equation. At least, more clearly than I did before.
This popped up rather unexpectedly last week, when I jumped back into training mode and found my hamstrings in clear rebellion and in need of help. I'm talking moseying-like-a-cowboy, unable-to-reach-anywhere-near-my-toes kind of rebellion. It wasn't pretty.
My help was found in one of the other masters at the dojang: Mr. Lim the master stretcher. The man has a way of stretching hamstrings that gets you deep in your muscles, right to your limit when you think something's going to tear...and then lets you go to writhe on the floor trying to recover.
On one hand, nothing feels better than that feeling right after a good stretch. It's so 'shi-wun-heh' (no Korean on this computer)...refreshing? renewing? I can't express in English how good the feeling is. But it's so good, especially after you tire your muscles out with a good hard workout.
On the other hand - it's some of the most intense and excrutiating pain I've ever felt. And coming from someone who does a sport where the objective is to hit and be hit...that' s saying something. These 5-10 minutes of what I affectionately call the "Mr Lim Torture Sessions" run the gamut of emotions from wanting to saw off my own leg to wanting to take a nap.
The thing with Mr Lim is, you have to be careful what you ask for, because he doesn't do anything halfway. The man has absolutely no feelings of sympathy or pity - no guilt whatsoever about inflicting pain. I think the real reason why his stretching is so effective is because...he just doesn't care how much you scream and beg to be released...he won't let your leg go until he's gotten every last millimeter of stretch out of that muscle.
Particularly when I'm ramping up for a competition and working out hard so that my legs and hips are constantly shocked into tightness, stretching with Mr Lim is key to maintenance. Unpleasant, but key. I've scared many a white belt who have witnessed this, because even when we're contained in the glass sealed PeeWee room, there's a visceral reaction to fight it, screaming all the while. And by screaming I don't mean the way that I make sudden shrieks when something surprises me...like when I drop a piece of food on the ground. I'm talking about the verbal expression of pain that only comes from deep inside your gut when something is just THAT unbearable. It is, in fact, torture.
It's easy to see the value in training because there is one overarching purpose - to win. Everything you do or don't do is designed in layers that overlap to get you to your goal. And not everything is pleasant or 'fun' - in fact, much of it is just plain hard work. They don't cliche it 'blood, sweat, and tears' for nothing. But oftentimes it's in doing the things that you don't want to do and enduring initial pain that leads to increased performance.
As I look back on 2005, I'm seeing more clearly that it's often been in the times of pain, frustration or imcomprehension that I've been 'stretched' the most. Tearing my knee made me a better fighter. Having hard conversations with overbearing parents forced me into confrontation and helped me grow into my role of authority. Losing my temper and asking for forgiveness was humbling.
Ultimately, all this 'stretching' was merely growing pains. Sometimes willingly, oftentimes unwillingly...taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back...but always moving forwards. And though it's been excrutiatingly painful at the time that it's happening...you can't really learn and grow without it. And when looking back weeks, months, maybe even years later - it finally makes sense and feels good.
Stretching is funny like that - because in the end, you can't stretch yourself anywhere near as well as when someone else stretches you. It's physically impossible. But that someone better know what they're doing!
Mr Lim never works on my hamstrings unless I ask him to. Even though I fight it, there has to be a base level of cooperation to make any progress. When I think about it, I'm putting a crazy amount of trust in him, that he's not going to break my hamstring (which is the most valuable muscle for kicking!) I guess I'm admitting that he knows better than I do where my limits are and what's best for my legs. Even when it hurts.
I often ask God why things happen (it's that annoying little kid in me - I just have to know). But I think most of the time, He doesn't tell me because if I really knew...I wouldn't go through with things because I'd be too fixated on the unpleasantries at hand. But there's comfort in knowing that He knows better than I do where my limits are and what's best. Even when it hurts.
Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 3:13-14
T-minus 5 days.
impossible
"Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than the explore the power they have to change it.
Impossible is not a fact. It is an option.
Impossible is not a declaration. It is a dare.
Impossible is potential.
Impossible is temporary.
Impossible is nothing."
-Adidas
****************
For nothing is impossible with God -Luke 1:37
****************
I'm really big on inspirational quotes. Before I went to Collegiate Worlds a couple years ago, Erica was super awesome and motivated me by sending me a quote every day for the last month of training. It's probably one of the few things that got me through it...
Since then I've had a little ziplock bag of the last few days of those quotes plus these cutouts of Bible verses on shapes that Margaret made (for the same tournament). I take themwith me to every tournament, that's how I get focused...but now I can't find them! (Severe disappointment and panic has set in).
I've turned my gear bag upside down but they're nowhere to be seen...I've literally lost my motivation...
I hope when I wake up, I remember where they are...
T-minus 2 days. (8 hrs to departure). Ready or not, it's go time.
Impossible is not a fact. It is an option.
Impossible is not a declaration. It is a dare.
Impossible is potential.
Impossible is temporary.
Impossible is nothing."
-Adidas
****************
For nothing is impossible with God -Luke 1:37
****************
I'm really big on inspirational quotes. Before I went to Collegiate Worlds a couple years ago, Erica was super awesome and motivated me by sending me a quote every day for the last month of training. It's probably one of the few things that got me through it...
Since then I've had a little ziplock bag of the last few days of those quotes plus these cutouts of Bible verses on shapes that Margaret made (for the same tournament). I take themwith me to every tournament, that's how I get focused...but now I can't find them! (Severe disappointment and panic has set in).
I've turned my gear bag upside down but they're nowhere to be seen...I've literally lost my motivation...
I hope when I wake up, I remember where they are...
T-minus 2 days. (8 hrs to departure). Ready or not, it's go time.
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