affirmations

i was perusing mako's family website the other day and shocked by how much the kids have grown up. zoe turned 7? good gosh - the last time i saw her she was maybe 2, at some winter retreat. kids are a good measure of how time flies.

he wrote something about how they spent some time affirming his son on his birthday - reminds me of k/acf and the concept of affirmations. especially chapter camp and senior affirmations...and when we did unlimited affirmations for james his last year.

i don't know why other churches don't do it as a regular exercise, but it's so valuable. at least from what i remember - it was particularly good for asians to learn how to just sit and receive affirmations. but yeah, it got me thinking...someday when i have a family, i'm going to make affirmations a regular exercise. maybe it'll help them not fall into the inevitable asian trap of deriving worth from accomplishments. (because let's face it, my kids are going to be overachievers, or likely feel guilty that they're not).

i've started to think about packing and moving, which is causing a bit of anxiety. figured as long as i had my friend's car, i may as well try to move some stuff to unnee's house. after 2 trips and filling the closet of my would-be-bedroom...this is looking a little endless.

iman was so cute this morning...whenever i've dropped by, he asks me "are you staying??" today he came up to me and said "eemoh, i want to play with you" ... to which i suggested playing "let's clean up eemoh's closet". he was really excited about it for about 5 minutes.

having a car is awesome. i'm seriously debating getting one. times like this i wish i was married so we could divide the labor on such decisions. i have serious commitment issues with big decisions...

you just do...

18 "There are three things that are too amazing for me,
four that I do not understand:

19 the way of an eagle in the sky,
the way of a snake on a rock,
the way of a ship on the high seas,
and the way of a man with a maiden.

-Proverbs 30:18-19


* * * * * *

back during the weekend of the standup leading to breakup, ptr was driving me home from church and i was getting some advice on the situation. he said something profound that stuck with me...he didn't quite remember all of it but he said something like this: "it's like that old saying...there are 3 things that can't be explained...and the last one is why one person likes another. you don't really know why...you just do. you want to be with them."

well, don't you know, it's from the bible.

i feel like i've been hearing a lot of relationship dilemmas lately - and where i would like to think the world should be black and white, when it comes to relationships there's all this murky grey. so i guess in the midst of all this "do they/don't they" dance where we try to figure out how we feel and (even harder) how the other party feels - what it really comes down to is, what exactly makes one person like another?

sure, we have our lists. we have our preferences. but at the end of the day...you either do or you don't. and you find yourself acting differently and you don't mind. or in the case of the ambiguous...waiting around for that person to come around is only setting yourself up for disappointment when the things they would never do for you - they're perfectly happy to do for that special someone who comes along. it's like in friends when rachel asks barry if he got plugs and contacts. "you always hated sticking your finger in your eye..." "well, for mindy...i don't really mind anymore".

about 5 years ago, when i was even more in the black hole of fashion and such things than i am now, jaac said something funny to me. along the lines of "i'll bet you one day you're going to fall in love with a man who will treat you like a princess, and when he asks you very sweetly to glam for him...you'll be glamming like a mofo."

i laughed at him then. but you know what? i would. as much as i hate the effort and feel horribly self conscious when i have to get all dressed up...if i had an occasion and someone i was excited to see, i'd totally do it. guys will shave, watch chick flicks...haha i think it was ptr who once declared "the only reason a guy would ever go to the ballet was if he liked the girl who asked him to go". (that statement isn't entirely a true generalization, but i agree with the principle behind it...)

in the manner of 'he's just not that into you'...i found myself recently giving advice along those lines. if he says he likes you but he doesn't want to date you date you - then he doesn't really like you. you can hang around and hope he'll come around - but some other girl's gonna come along and suddenly the guy who didn't feel like he could commit to a relationship will find himself practically married.

if you've been seeing this guy for months long distance and you're still not sure you want to date him....then maybe you don't like him. sure, people can grow on you...but i guess i feel like there's a difference between learning to love someone (which happens all the time) and learning to like someone (which i don't think happens much at all).

maybe there are ways to make yourself more attractive to someone...but at the end of they day, i really wonder how far effort can get you when it's really undefined.

seriously, it may just come down to prayer, and God throwing bricks at people's heads.

glee

i took the day off of work today, and was promptly woken up by pounding from the apt upstairs - somehow i find it offensive that people do construction at 8am. particularly since i sleep in a loft with my face about 2ft from the ceiling - i wasn't feeling too great about hearing chiseling and scraping right above my face.

anyhow...in my time off, i managed to finish glee, play some violin (after about 15 minutes of trying to tune the poor thing), some piano, and forgot to eat lunch. maybe it's watching glee and missing what it felt like to be in an ensemble, but i have this weird urge to join an orchestra or chamber group. i don't know where i would find one of these, but...hrmm. luckily, "the claw" is on my bow hand, so it's not that bad.

one thing that glee reinforced is that as much as i wish i had met someone in hs or college and lived happily ever after - those couples usually don't work out because it's quite possible they become different people. and once again - not content with being single, but it's better to be single than unhappily married. i have no idea how he didn't just punch his wife in the face all this time. that show has a disproportionately high number of women who need to be punched in the face. but i guess there always has to be a villain...

i just got a new shipment of books...should keep my occupied through the holidays. though i do entertain the thought of a kindle as i run out of room on my bookshelf...dryl's been pushing the kindle but i'm not sure how committed i feel to such a purchase. esp since it's not like i read THAT much...

weekend shenanigans

an eventful weekend, though i only went to half the parties i had on the docket. (new year's resolution: stop being a grandma - at least until i actually get married). i have to remember NOT to come home between work and whatever else i have planned in the evening - because that means i won't go. and then i regret not having gone. sigh.

the tlc party ended up really small - but i think people had a good time. poor r, he was the only guy for most of the time, i think that bothered him a bit. by the time m showed up, he had to leave. it's like there's a conservation of guy law or something. balderdash is a pretty fun game - man, i love board games.

the tkd party, on the other hand, was huge. even when i showed up 2 hours late - their apt was stuffed to the gills.

onto church...i was really annoyed that another sgl was actively bugging someone in my sg about coming to her sg. we have such a shortage of guys as it is, it felt like member-snatching...just didn't sit well with me.

sigh, the girl:guy ratio. depressing in general, but when i look at our sg, it's a little ridiculous. we have 3 guys that are consistent, and one of those is the leader.

in other news...i finally (willingly) became a member this weekend. after all the years of church commitment phobia (or having been forced to become a member against my will) - i bit the bullet. i have to say, i'm really grateful to pjoe for understanding my issues with church membership, and giving me all the time i needed to decide. and honestly, what made me decide it was safe to do it was that he DIDN'T pressure or force me. that's one thing i really appreciate about our leaders - they don't use guilt or duty or protocol.

one interesting thing from the sermon discussion this week:

grace is getting something you don't deserve; mercy is NOT getting something you do deserve.

i always thought they were the same thing, but it was really interesting to have it defined that way. made me think.

and my new show obsession (well, alongside himym) is glee. man, that's entertaining...i also recently joined the church choir. i think one thing i never got to do but secretly wish i could is sing acapella. too bad that doesn't exist post-college. and so...i watch glee.

holiday parties

well. that was hands down the worst christmas party ever. totally not worth wearing real pants for. my boss sent me an email yesterday: "Many people wear ties for the Christmas party - I might even!" i took the hint to dress up (totally painful on casual friday, btw) - and we get this freezing cold christmas lunch...whose brilliant idea was it to rent a tent? in order to cut costs from renting out a space, they decided to put up a tent outside and chairs and tables and caterers.

on a positive note - my code WORKED!!! now, nevermind that this is essentially pathetic, and for the meager lines or whatever of incredibly simplistic looping it's embarassing it took so long. but it freaking compiled and did what i wanted it to do. i was useful. granted, i probably could've been a lot more useful - but whatever, useful = not useless. and that's good enough for me.

i got an email from an old acquaintance from about 4 years back. came and went out of my life without much thought except the occasional "huh, whatever happened to so-and-so?" well, apparently he's engaged. the thing is, these days, engagements aren't what make me feel like life is passing me by. that train blew by long ago. it's the baby shower invites (got one of those too) and birth announcements that are the stark reminders.

and so the weekend before christmas is upon us. a possible birthday party tonight (it's so cold outside, the activation energy just spiked), maybe visiting julie's sg (again, cold) - making candy bags to give to my sg members (nostalgia of care packages of yore...) - my sg christmas party tomorrow, though slightly apprehensive that my coleaders probably can't make it (God, please let it be fun for the group...) - tkd holiday party (hope i make it there - rawr for overlapping parties) - and then sleep. glorious sleep.

the kids are done with school as of today, and i have 2 weeks off from geometry, biology, SAT, and the like. no parents calling me, no kids freaking out, nowhere i have to be after 430 day to day unless i choose.

i think we have early dismissal today. except my boss didn't know about it. so i'm not sure if i get to leave. eh screw it. i'm going home...

too-tee!

i got a higher christmas bonus from tutoring than i got from work this year. i'm not sure whether that's more surprising bc they nixed christmas bonuses (again) at work, or that a family threw in cash in my christmas card.

in general, gifts from my students have been a pleasant surprise. over the years, i've gotten some interesting ones. (like the year linds gave me fancy soap from o&co because "you have to wash off all the sweat from practice!") though every time i get a cash gift i feel compelled to spend it on something specific (as if that person had gotten me a gift). maybe i'll just put it towards the need-furniture-in-new-apt-fund.

anyways.

the holiday festivities have left me wanting to take a vacation day during the week just to recuperate from busy weekends.

secret ninja - the gift exchange was pretty funny this year. in the tradition of mit, i had each person write a poem to describe themselves so the recipient could guess. poems ranged from clever to haikus to not-a-real-poem. scott had me and his poem was the best:

roses are red
violets are blue
you are my "sister"
and i am a jew

he got me a christmas tree! well, more like a christmas bush. but it was really cute, i decorated it and everything. (with leftover ribbons and random keychains and medals i had lying around).

the family xmas get-together was a zoo of kids and a carnage of wrapping paper. jordan has become such a ham, she's a fun one. good counter, at the age of two - she got such a kick out of counting blocks with me, though she kept saying "eleben, telf, TOO-TEE!" and then giggling her head off. i thought she was skipping to twenty and kept correcting her until i realized that TOO-TEE meant thirteen - dang that malaysian nanny and her accent!

matty was totally antisocial - he's one good looking kid, but suffers from only child syndrome, bad. i swear this is why people have multiple kids.

o (at 1.5) was taller than the 2 yo's...possibly taller than i-man (who's 3.5). i think it's her chinese genes, patrick is tall...then again, so is gina.

allison (5?) is a sweetie - she was picking up after i-man and every year she looks like a princess. i don't think i've ever heard her talk. ever.

the kang boys are an interesting example of phenotypes. alex looks just like his dad - cj looks just like his mom (or her brother) - jackson is an exact hybrid. 3 boys...that house has got to be a zoo.

emily is getting so old, she's practically a teenager. it's crazy, i remember when she was born.

and then there were the rest of the kids. the ones i see all the time, and the ones i never see. they grow up so fast, it's a little crazy. but i think it's great that they can all get together and hang out and get along...big families are nice and i wish i had had that as a kid.

blessed are those who mourn...

yesterday i found out that my friends' father passed away in a car crash. it was absolutely heartbreaking to hear the tears on the phone and have nothing to say to comfort them. a million platitudes crossed my mind, but in moments of suffering and sorrow - sometimes there's just nothing that will make it any better in that moment.

i talked to j first - he was so overwhelmed and burdened. then i called a, who was just weeping. at least with her, i remembered to pray over the phone. but i felt so helpless with them.

i see more and more the importance of knowing scripture. i've been on this memory verse kick lately (which is admittedly spotty) but when you need to call upon encouragement or you need to know the character of God when things don't make sense...knowing scripture is so key. i only wish i knew more.

susan said something when she emailed the leaders that really stuck with me. let's love well and pray hard. so simple, but in the end...all we can do.

sweet justice

well sometimes there IS justice in the world.

so i found out this weekend that the girl dbag had been seeing (prior to our breakup ie. cheating) - was canadian and only after him for citizenship. apparently it didn't work out. that's right, scuzzbucket - what goes around comes around. though i'm surprised he had the dignity to want something better - citizenship is probably the best thing he had to offer.

i have to say, this revelation made me feel a whole lot better. not so much because he's unhappy (well, presuming he is), but because it just didn't feel right that a person would be underhanded and then be rewarded for it.

ndrw said something interesting. some korean master somewhere in korea was spouting life advice to him and he said that your spounse has to be your 상대. ok, so technically that means "opponent" (and it's quite possible i'm remember the wrong word in that sentence) but the point was, your spouse has to be your equal. perhaps it was a different way of saying "never settle".

but i have to say, thank you jesus for slamming door in my face to unequivocally...well, shut the door. i think i was so ready to move forward with life that i was willing to settle on dbag, despite his obvious shortcomings (not to mention the not-obvious that came out later). i dunno, maybe sometimes God lets you walk into a pole so that you don't get hit by the bus.

glory days

read this off of bobby's blog. dang hilarious. i miss mit.

dan: clinch like you're driving a bus. just drive the bus.

so a few years ago i was offered the nyu program and i turned it down. i had too much on my plate at the time and i just couldn't handle what adding coaching college kids was going to do to me. (reference 2003, when i spent 80% of spring semester trying to win the championships, and maybe 20% on academics, leading to locking myself in my room and busting out my thesis the week before it was due.)

and just like i respond when people ask me what possessed me to play football with a broken hand. "God knew how much it meant to me. He'll let me play"

well fortunately, i did graduate that year, and we won the cup to boot. serious glory days.

so a couple nyu boys have been training with us, and while we were out last week, they were lamenting that their coach sucks. i said something along the lines of how i'd turned that position down, when isaac starts shaking my by the shoulders. "WHY DID YOU TURN IT DOOOOOOOWN?!?!?!"

it's nice to feel wanted. even if you're getting shoved around in the process.

so i've been contemplating rounding out this year as a coach. i guess mike is graduating so it's only for one more season...and it's relatively low committment. i only have to train the two of them, and they come up here. hrmm. sure would be fun to get back ... though i don't think i could coach against any of my old students. eh, there aren't any left at this point anyhow. but maybe i can train the nyu boys to beat cornell and help mit along...

and it'd be nice to reappear in a setting where i'd made a mark. i don't know if i can subject myself to that kind of suspense again. but at least i can't break bones while coaching and spectating...

fake date

the fake date is a one on one outing with a person of the opposite gender, who you're sort of friends with, but not necessarily established friends with ... where you basically go through the motions of a date but since it's not established as a date - it's not really a date. hence, fake.

for example, someone says "hey, we should hang out sometime", you hang out, get to know each other. confusion could be exacerbated, say, if the guy insists on paying for everything.

or, say, if 2 overachieving churchgoing koreans sit around and discuss over dinner how they want to meet an equivalent overachieving churchgoing korean.

anyways.

but on a related note, the whole paying for things etiquette always confuses me. if i were a guy (on an established date), i'd just pay for everything all the time. this is not to say that i expect guys to pay for me all the time - just saying that if i were a guy that's what i'd do, to eliminate confusion and protocol and a sense of obligation. let the girl cook for you, buy you presents, do something else to even it out, but...it's just awkward at dinner when the check comes. do you reach for it, do you offer, how many times do you go back and forth...

this is one of the things i like about being korean. yes, we notoriously fight over checks, but honestly, there's a very clear system of who pays for stuff when going out. when i go to dinner with sabs, they always pay. i say thank you, and continue on my merry way of indentured servitude. when i go to dinner with a hubae, i pay. that's that.

the catch comes when you have a friend situation where the girl is older than the guy. now what? i guess this is where you fight for it. this happens to me all the time with rich, where he insists on paying and i just think it's weird bc he's the little bro. i used to pull the noona card but once he started working, i just gave in. or with dodo, we had to make a deal when we used to eat out a lot - he pays if we're in a nice restaurant (ie. to avoid the waiter thinking he's the douche that let the girl pay) and i pay if we're in regular places like diners (where we would mostly eat).

maybe i just like it better if i know who pays in general. i think i'm just afraid of being rude...

ok i think all these paragraphs were sort of related, but not exactly a cohesive point. oh well, it's friday, and this grandma really can't afford to stay out late on weeknights and hope to be coherent in the morning...

toe the line

once again, i think i have difficulty with the general concept of grace.

it comes out most visibly in tkd, when someone steps out of line beyond their rank, or assumes privileges that they shouldn't. or rather - when they do such things, and get away with them.

dodo and i were talking about this the other day, because sweetie has a tendency to step out of line. usually unknowingly, and the guy is as harmless as they come - but the biggest peeve we had was that he would take class without full dobok.

back in the old days, we used to NEVER get away with not wearing full dobok in class. in fact, you had to do pushups if you weren't wearing a ws dobok. the most you could get away with was training with a jacket over the dobok. but even that was implicitly supposed to be a ws or usa (or country) jacket.

dodo, jaac, and i would rally our efforts to train to music (always denied), and to train in underarmour (only after class). but we knew where our place was, and if we toed the line, we'd get smacked (or noogie'd) down, and then we knew not to ask. you waited until you were spoken to, you didn't speak first.

well, times have changed. sabs have gotten soft. and a new generation of etiquette-less team has emerged. we fought so hard to train without a dobok top, and if anything, i won that right when i was cutting so much weight i had to wear 4 jackets every session.

and along comes a color belt who thinks it's acceptable to train wearing shorts, or saunters into class wearing a shirt. now, the fault is also with the instructors that allow it to happen, but still - that's pretty ballsy. and much like the crazy screaming toddlers in the supermarkets - you have to slap the wrist early on and be consistent, or else it's all chaos.

i guess i (and the old school folks that are left) miss the structure of yore - when the ship was right tight(ly) and there was order and respect and everyone knew where they belonged. sure made life easier. somewhere, we've become americanized or something, and the result is sloppiness all around. you can even see it in the tests.

so the holiday party is upon us, and it was once meant for black belts past and present. even candidates who had tested and not fully passed (ie didn't break their boards) didn't necessarily get invited.

for some reason, exceptions have been made lately. and while that's all well and good - the principle behind it sort of demeans the special-ness (yes, i realize that's not a word) of an achievement and rite of passage, which i think is really too bad.

in a world of instant gratification, i guess i feel like it's a disservice to give in to those who impatiently want the rewards now for what they haven't earned, or for which they haven't paid their dues. makes you wonder whether they'll see the value in it and strive the same way. (of course, it's silly to think of it over a holiday party, but it's just an example).

but of course, all this is akin to the elder brother syndrome, which i constantly embody. no lie, the feeling of entitlement is probably my greatest struggle. or annoyance at others' feelings of entitlement when not deserved. same thing, i suppose.

which makes me wonder - can you have grace and discipline simultaneously? bc obviously a tkd school can't be run on a fluffy let-the-kids-do-whatever-they-want mode...there have to be consequences and heck, rich parents who can't control their kids send them so that at least SOMEONE will.

such is the confusion in my head. (better to debate this now than when i have kids, i suppose...)

conflict

gah i hate it when people don't plan ahead. YARGH.

so a good month ago, i asked when the tkd holiday party would be this year. generally got ignored. kept pestering, and finally got a response that this year it'd probably be in january...like a new year's type of deal.

fine, so i scheduled our tlc xmas party for the 19th. that went out a week ago - to which people are taking their own sweet time in replying. (seriously - the creator of the evite can see when you've checked it...so you may as well respond...)

what do i get today, but an evite for the tkd holiday party. on the 19th. for the exact same time.

seriously? SERIOUSLY?

i realize the 19th is a prime date to throw a holiday party. but would it have been so hard to figure that out more than 10 days prior? sigh. i'd better not get the evil eye that i didn't go. so aggravated that i anticipated the conflict and tried so hard to avoid it - but in the end it conflicted anyways.

fail.

coding woes

i've been avoiding programming this macro for weeks. i started it, and then the whole japan thing came up, and i was under the impression that it was due that week i was gone...so i just assumed my boss would finish it up (since it would take him all of 20 minutes to program what would take me 2 weeks). but no. it's due this month.

DANGIT.

seriously, i've avoided programming for so long, i really didn't think i'd have to do this in my professional life. and given the fact that i'm so into learning new languages these days, it's a little ridiculous that i refuse to learn how to program. (but...finnish is so much more interesting...albeit useless. which reminds me, i need to reply to hki).

impressive performance by rodgers and the packers last night. he's going to be the qb to look for when he gets more experience. in a dynamic sport, it's always hard to tell whether one team played well, or the other played poorly. obviously it's some combo of the two, but before everyone's so hard on flacco, i think you have to give the packers defense some credit that they put a crapload of pressure on him, and it's hard not to make mistakes when you have people stampeding at you.

i wish bill simmons would write a book on football. now THAT i would actually read. baseball and basketball...i just don't follow well enough to appreciate his books...but yeah. fball. c'mon sports guy.

shenanigans and scripture

much to my surprise, i generally enjoyed the clubbing experience this weekend. the boys said if i danced, they would do poomsae on the dance floor. sadly, their poomsae looked SO much better than at the dojang. i'm still so saddened by how bad they are at poomsae. rogue data points in my theory that anyone who's good at sparring can be good at poomsae.

while it was fun being there in the safety of the team (and honestly i wouldn't have gone if dodo didn't go) - there are some drugged out and/or skeevy people at such places.

but overall - i had a good time. though going out takes far too much effort - i'm such a grandma. i would've been perfectly content sitting at home in my shorts and watching himym.

someone made a really good analogy during sg yesterday. we were talking about the end of the beatitudes (blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness) and about evangelizing / how to handle skeptics' arguments/accusations. esp since xtians are generally held to a higher standard and every mistake glares.

something along these lines:

as xtians, we're mirrors - we're made to reflect the image of God. some mirrors are shiny and clear and reflect the image well, but other mirrors are cracked and broken and foggy. but the state of the mirror doesn't change the original image. God is God, whether we reflect him clearly or poorly.

i thought that was pretty cool.

my prayer group was pretty cool this week - i decided to revive the prayer champion of last year and send out prayer reminders/verses every day. easier for a smaller group of people, and i think they'll actually do it.

i was making after sg announcements and asked for volunteers to be our team leader for this homeless outreach event in jan. two people immediately pointed at me.

I HATE THAT.

i had a visceral reaction but since we were at church i didn't say anything. people do this to me all the time and it makes me feel so unappreciated - when something needs to be done and no one wants to do it ... and i don't care if i would be good at it or if i'm the perfect person to do it (which, in this case, i was not) - there's empowering and then there's shifting responsibility. (and if they knew the kind of leader i was, they would know that i would delegate. to them first. rawr.)

anyways, it's a serious pet peeve. that's how i was forced to be captain so many times, and prayer champ last year - and at the end of the day, these are probably things i would have done anyways, or wanted to do, had i been asked instead of told.

going to see up in the air this week with ndrw. and maybe convince the team to see blind side. maybe there are actually some decent movies out there after all, i was getting disappointed.

making a list, checking it twice

so, as inspired by my parents' incessant...ness, i've been thinking about what i want for christmas. besides the intangibles. (like hi God, if you could give prince charming a kick in the pants and divinely appoint him to show up, that would just be dandy. and if you could smite some fire and ash on dbag, that would be lovely as well.)

my jewish family used to insist that i make lists for birthdays and holidays, which i thought sort of defeated the purpose of gift-giving. (call me an idealist, but i think the fun of it is in thinking up the gift you want to give someone.) but for a couple years i had to do the list thing, and as much as i hate to admit it, it was a practical exercise. gave me a better idea on what i was saving my money for so that i wouldn't make purchases on a whim. (or ... would eventually convince myself to make large purchases...)

so, in no particular order, here goes the things i will get someday when there's a ridiculous bargain, or things i need to remember to actually go out and buy.

1) a flat screen tv

my current huge (and by huge i mean volume, not necc. screen size) analog tv, handed down to me by benekole, has served me well for 4 years. i was truly grateful to receive it when they gave it away (and even more grateful to those who helped me lug it), as i had just bought my studio and had no money for luxuries such as entertainment. but technology has lapped me many times over...perhaps it's time to go flat...

2) tivo

this is actually on my list of things to acquire before the next football season. the debate every monday night about whether to go to practice or watch mnf was killing me this year. not to mention there was no hope of watching any fball on sundays. but i'm not sure if i'd make much use out of this the rest of this year, because there isn't much else i follow in-the-moment that isn't re-run online (a la japanese gameshow)

3) a dvd player that plays korean region dvd's

i have korean dvd's i can't watch because i can't play them. though these days with the internet, i've ceased to purchase dramas on dvd. i think this purchase will never happen. i'll probably just wait till they eventually upload everything i want to watch...

4) a shredder

every time i get a bill, i think to myself, i should get a shredder. i tried to turn to paperless billing as much as possible, but for some reason, i still have mounds of bills and statements. (probably the fact that i keep sustaining serious injuries). and because i don't want to just throw them away (security), they tend to form piles around my apt. until i had to start packing and cleaning, at which point when darlin whined about having to lift heavy boxes, i handed him a pair of scissors, piles of bills, and told him to start shredding. (you would think this would have cured the whining. not so much.) i think he of all people wishes i would just invest in one. haha...

5) aeron chair

i know it costs a bajillion dollars - and therefore would never actually buy it. but they are so very comfy...and i just think it's cool from an engineering perspective. http://www.hermanmiller.com/Products/Aeron-Chairs. my current desk chair survives miraculously day to day. sometimes i think it's going to fall apart, but it doesn't quite. i inherited it from someone years ago, and i don't know how old it is. gets the job done, but only because i'm too cheap to replace it while it's still functional.

6) a really comfortable couch

due to the space restrictions in my apt (ie. the couch must fit under my loft), i have a two-seater couch that pulls out to a full size bed. the bed is actually much more comfortable than the couch. but when watching tv or movies, it becomes crazy uncomfortable because you're basically limited to the fetal position. i want a couch with the consistency of the couches at toahnipi...or pkt.

7) bose noise cancelling headphones

this has been my most indecisive non-purchase to date. ever since my first foray into business class, i discovered the awesomeness of these headphones. unfortunately they cost $300, which i think is slightly ridiculous for something i wouldn't use every day (for fear of having them stolen off my head on my commute. and before future sparky laughs at paranoid sparky - remember the blackberry-stolen-out-of-hand-incident). but every time i travel i wish for the noise-cancelling goodness...though most of my long travels are for work and therefore business class anyhow, i guess. hence, the indecision...though one of these days i'll probably crack and use amex points so i can alleviate the guilt of actually spending money.

8) a real bed

this is a purchase i really ought to make...but i have a perfectly good loft bed and i actually kind of like climbing up and bunking. (only bc it's full-size...i dislike bunking at retreats). this ikea structure (bought on sale, btw) has lasted me through 3 apts, 2 states, 6 years and counting. (it really defies the theory that ikea products can only be put together once).

9) a karaoke machine

i'm getting one of these when i get married. (and not before - bc singing by yourself is just sad). i'm going to teach my kids how to read fast in korean the way i learned: through noraebang and subtitles in dramas.

10) iphone

i won't actually get one because i have a free blackberry from work so i don't need one...but it's still cool and i do have app envy. and i just want to be able to play scrabble whenever i want...

suckered

i'm having a seriously difficult time reconciling that doogie_howser is now barney on himym. and the fact that he reminds me of a shorter thinner version of tom(lynn)...maybe the square jaw. though marshall reminds me unmistakably of teague.

i think what i like about himym is that the characters have good chemistry with the slapstick (a la 'friends'), but the episodes still have some sort of "moral". granted, the settings and such show the evolution (read: degradation) of morals since the family sitcoms of the 90's...but i still like coming away from an episode feeling like i learned something about life.

i wonder if i'm getting sick. this fog of fatigue ... it's like the harry potter demetor thing or something. somehow it's just so hard to stay awake...

i thought marriable was a good book. little corny at times, but practical...sort of an xtian version of he's just not that into you. with chapters such as "why being just friends is a waste of time". so true. i would recommend it to a single.

speaking of books, the activation energy to get my book off the ground (ie. beyond the outline) just skyrocketed. i thought i'd have a couple chapters written by the time i got back from japan but...damn business class and the free movies! productivity fail. (but oh so entertaining)

my parents want to know what to get me for xmas. i wonder if a 'do not nag' card is an option. probably not. in which case, maybe a new tv. though i'll have to take a raincheck for after the big move.

that's the thing about buying an apt (a real apt, unlike the box i live in which was essentially an extension of college dorm life) ... there's a reason people don't buy until after they're married. well, fine, usually you can't afford it or can't commit to a location. come to think of it, i guess this means i'm committing to stay in nyc for some foreseeable future. (i feel suckered, i didn't overanalyze this aspect in my decision-making...damn that beautiful bathroom and the fallen economy!)

but seriously - the thought of furnishing a new apt, and actually have to buy kitchen supplies (bc lets face it, that pathetic unit in my hallway barely qualified as a kitchen, therefore i never bothered having real utensils or ware) ... that's a lot of stuff. buying the house without the wedding registry just seems ... incomplete.

but i'll cross that bridge in the coming months, i suppose. first i have to figure out if i have to store or sell all my existing stuff while i'm homeless. and when exactly i'll be homeless. and how the heck i'm going to get rid of this piano...

common app

making profiles for dating websites is no joke. they need a universal template...like the common app or something. eesh.

sab tells me i shouldn't depend only on him and mrs. sab, to keep getting out there. well, "getting out there" is a whole stinking lot of effort. as is trying to make my eyes symmetrical with the eyeliner. (serious coordination needed for that one - almost easier to catch a ball with the sun in my eyes).

ever since dk told me about some beta website for an elitist dating site (ie. only open to alums from top schools, though a quick perusing of limited profiles made me question what the definition of "top school" was) ... i found other sites that advertise the same thing. apparently this is not a new concept, and people have tried to market the need. except it seems to be underdeveloped, and just a pool of profiles and a search engine.

too bad eharm doesn't have an elitist function.

people will judge my stance, but...if you're an ivy (or equivalent) grad who is dating/married to another ivy (or equiv) grad...then...yeah. no leg to stand on. come to think of it, most of my elite-school friends ended up with someone of comparable academic pedigree.

and with that...i really regret not having met someone in college. perhaps i should have tried harder to be "marketable", and spent less energy trying to kick butt and change the world. every feminist out there will scream at me, but...sometimes i start to believe my chauvinist uncles who told my dad that it was worthless educating and developing me into an overachiever because i'd never get married, and then my life would be useless.

well. my life isn't useless. but it's a little empty. maybe instead of learning how to take a hit, i should have learned how to put on makeup. maybe instead of writing constitutions and trying to be a pioneer, i should have learned how to be fashionable. maybe instead of learning how to run faster, i should've learned how to walk in heels.

no, heels suck. as do these profiles.


random note 1 - that song down, down, down. don't know why i like it so much, but i do. down like the economy...too funny.

random note 2 - when i take away the self-consciousness and embarassment...i don't mind low maintenance dressing up, going out, drinking, dancing, etc. (that last one is a big if on the self conscious meter though). i basically missed out on my teen years because i was studying, and on my twenties because i was training. it totally depends who i'm with - but if i were dating someone who liked to do such things, i think i would go and do them. but note to self: drinking on mondays leads to unproductive tuesdays...

random note 3 - how i met your mother is slowly becoming my new favorite show. the friends era had to get replaced eventually...15 years later, maybe it will be. legendary.

random note 4 - i was looking through some pictures...man, i looked pretty good as a welterweight. that's probably the most lean and athletic i've ever been in my life. i wonder if i'll ever be like that again.

compassion is a lifestyle

pd's sermon series on beatitudes has been really good lately. we had a really good sermon discussion in tlc, which has been interesting...

i think i have a mental separation between communities where i belong (ie. where i'm getting something out of it) and where i serve (ie. when i have leadership or responsibility). and sometimes i wonder - does it have to be mutually exclusive?

ideally it wouldn't be - but i realize more and more that i compartmentalize.

so my tlc has been good in the sense that people are really open. we have a couple seekers, but in general most people are unchurched or minimally-churched-and-think-they're-xtians-but-might-not-be. it's been a cool spread and opportunity to witness and be refreshed by points of view that aren't jaded or complacent...but at the same time it really makes me put my serving hat on and compartmentalize tlc as a place to teach and care for others. which, as a leader, it should be - but i guess there's a part of me that just sorta views it like a job. this is my place to give, and that's what i'm supposed to do. it's not that i dislike it...i just thought it was weird that i viewed it that way.

i have to admit that there are times when i have tlc-envy, since other groups are more solid members and i've generally been in groups with people who are like me. but i think God's saying you take what you get...so i'm hopeful that this year will be fruitful, even if it'll be different.

that being said, i'm thinking of joining jle's tlc which meets on fridays anyways...seemed like a fun group, and ... i think i need to have more fun. i guess part of me also just craves being in a smaller group where my job isn't to lead.

i was talking to susan yesterday re: leadership...i think my annoyance at being prayer champion last year stems not so much from having to serve, but from the way it came about. maybe it's bc i've been myers-brigging lately, but i realize more and more that i have a visceral reaction to being assigned to do something, as opposed to being asked. ie. feeling appreciated or not.

* * * * *

in other thoughts...tg with the lims/whangs was fun. though at the end of the day there was a period of interrogation and preaching on the man situation (or lack thereof). i realized that respect is a large factor in how i react to people. probably not uncommon, but if i don't really respect someone, i immediately discount their opinion. i probably go so far as to automatically take the opposite stance.

at the end of the day, i'm open to suggestions. all the while keeping in mind that differing values lead to opinions being weighted more or less. but being chewed out for this or that by someone whose opinions i don't value was...an exercise in patience to keep from rolling my eyes. painful.

the latest on the eharm front is the picture postulate. if a guy (or girl, i suppose) doesn't post a picture with their profile - there's a reason why. normally i don't talk to people who don't have pictures or incomplete profiles. not so much because i'm afraid they'll be ugly, but more because i think it indicates insecurity, or a guardedness that's selfish (ie. i want to get more info on you than i'm willing to give you about me). heck, we're all on this stupid dating site, if you're gonna do it, don't do it halfway.

anyways, pickings are slim so i figured i'd answer this pictureless guy's questions, etc. at the end of the day, i got to see pictures, and the guy is pretty overweight. ahh as much as i'd like to say looks don't matter...i guess obesity is a dealbreaker.

speaking of which, i've decided that 5 months of being out of shape has gone on long enough. the hand isn't sparring-worthy yet, but in general i miss working out hard and lungs exploding and feeling good. or maybe it's bc during black friday shopping, my pants size went up by 1. regardless - it's time to resume working out every day. enough is enough.

black friday aftermath

i never thought i'd say this, but i think i've lost the will to shop.

this year's black friday was particularly fruitful - i'm quite proud of the findings and savings. knocked off everything on my dad's list and then some. polished off the rest of my list. even found a few things for myself.

sparky's guide for black friday

1) safety in numbers. never attempt black friday alone. after much of 2008 was spent waiting in lines (lines to get INTO the stores, lines to pay for my purchases) this year showed much progress in efficiency. there were 3 of us, which sometimes dwindled down to 2 when bry decided to split off and do his own thing. but all you need is another person. when a store is ridiculously crowded - the best strategy when you get in is to put one person in the line to pay. the other will look around and choose their purchases, and then come stand in line while original person shops. at the end of the day, you each waited in line, but for half the time. this proved particularly useful in katespade, where the line to pay snaked through the entire store. (which was at least half off). carol and i found that we would shop WHILE waiting on line, since it curved around every possible display. the results? bags for 1/6 retail price. i personally was hoping that if i purchased more formal and girl-esque items, i would feel motivated to go out and look nice. (fairly expensive risk, hence, taken on black friday).

2) leave early. after fiasco 2008 of leaving at 10.30pm, intending to get there for midnight madness (and not being able to park, getting directed 4 miles away and taking a shuttle bus and stepping into my first store at 2am) - this year we left at 7pm on thanksgiving. got there by 8.30pm, ate something, hit the first stores by 9pm. it was glorious. when it started to get mad crazy - we were already half done. great parking spot, which we could shuttle our bags back to - much to the dismay of hopeful drivers circling and trying to take our spot.

3) strategic store planning. while some may insist that you need to know exactly what you want, i don't think that's necessarily true. the key factor is, you have to know what stores you want to go to - what time they open, what their deals are, and where they're located relative to one another. some stores are more popular than others - it's far more efficient to wait in line for 20 minutes early in the evening, than to find yourself in a maze of ropes and a sign that says "from this point, 2 hours" later at night. whereas other stores almost never have a line to get in. i regret that we didn't brave northface when we were initially daunted by the line - it turned into impossibility as the day went on.

on the way back, we stopped at target, though only briefly. that was the last of my shopping energy - after that i was totally done. as dante used to say, "basta! finito!"

now, to try and get myself back on a normal sleep schedule....

elitism

i think i like smart people. i mean, not just have an affinity for - there's something about finding out someone is really intelligent that makes me really enjoy being around them.

most of my friends are pretty intelligent. actually, most of my friends are pretty geeky. the best times of my life and the friends i miss the most are from college. granted, everyone misses their alma mater, but there's something about mit that pools a certain type (read: nerds) together and celebrates our...geekiness.

there was one chapter camp or large group when cktsai (he has pretty awesome delivery) had a crowd gathered around him as he told the joke of the differential operator. best joke EVER - pasted at the end.

anyhow...i just remember when everyone roared/groaned at the punchline...that's a clever joke. i mean, it's funny if you're nerdy, but honestly, you actually have to know some higher level math to get it.

one time, in my first job, people were telling nerdy jokes. someone told the one about the proton and the neutron (eh, old) ... and another person told a really stupid one.

So there's these 2 muffins in an oven.

They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.

And one of them yells "Damn, it's hot in here!"

And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"

now, for some reason, she thought it was freaking hilarious. i thought it made no sense. which i suppose was the point, or something...but...jokes are supposed to be clever!

but seeing as how we were all engineers, i decided to tell the differential operator joke.

crickets.

seriously, they all looked at me like i'd told it in polish. my joke was rejected, and vehemently insisted upon that it just wasn't funny. and then they went on to laugh about the talking muffin.

that's when i realized...they don't get it. but...you're engineers. you took calculus.

sometimes...it's refreshing to be around people who "get" you.

so tonight after church a bunch of the leadership went out to dinner with our guest speaker. some of us were bantering, all in good fun, and out of nowhere drl corrects my grammar. i stopped. thought about it. and he was right - i had been grammatically incorrect.

i correct grammar all the time. usually in my head, since it can come across as obnoxious to correct someone out loud...but i have to say, i was kind of impressed that someone caught my mistake. and then jle when on this whole thing about henry viii...

all in all...it was kinda refreshing. though i don't think i can tell my diff op joke for awhile...maybe when my kids get to calculus....

* * * * * * *

the differential operator joke:

e^x and a constant were walking down the street. Suddenly, the constant notices a differential operator walking along the other side of the street. "Oh, no!" exclaims the constant. "I've got to run away! You've got to hide me! There's a differential operator... he could reduce me to nothing!" "Hmmmph," came the haughty reply. "I'm e^x. He can't do anything to me." So e^x walked across the street and introduced himself. "Hi. How are you doing? I am e^x," he bragged. "Pleased to meet you," replied the differential operator. "I'm d/dy."

shout for JOY!

we won!!!

man, what a comeback, from barely making it into the tournament of champions with only one win from the preliminary tournament 2 weeks ago, to winning the whole thing...i have to say, it was pretty darn crazy. especially having gotten off the plane from japan just last night and still being severely jetlagged - i've never actually stepped on a field and not wanted to play, but today was kind of freeing being there but not dying to win. perhaps that's when we started winning.

i have mixed feelings about my personal performance today, because i basically made one touchdown and ran one conversion in. had about 3 crappy punts and 5 good punts. overall felt slow and tired compared to normal, but that wasn't surprising considering i'm not in tkd shape. had two other passes that i didn't catch, but otherwise...the ball just didn't come to me that much. i think there's a part of me that's still a little irked by that, but i couldn't really do much about it this season. just have to start the next season with two healthy hands and prove that i should get my own plays too. in the meantime, it was good to play second string this year, even if i was wide open sometimes. at least i got to play.

i realize that there are times you shine, and there are times you block so others can shine. i didn't feel that valuable to the team this year (compared to last year when i was catching a lot of balls and making a lot of td's), but i really appreciated when coachj affirmed me for good punting in the last game...i guess i just wanted someone to recognize that i contributed something to the team.

i was really proud of our team for making comebacks. defense made some critical stops when we needed the ball back, and in general we as offense were always driving the ball. people were generally positive, and when we got down, the coaches picked us back up.

it was good to see pd and pj out there supporting us - i love our pastors and the fact that they come out. and of course, our superfans.

i realize...part of me just loves competition. playing to win. analyzing. adrenaline. i miss tkd so much in that way...and i don't know if my hand will ever let me compete again, but...there's something about sparring that just can't be replaced.

best cheer. i heart drewbrees. i really hope the saints go the distance this year. i mean, i'm loyal to peyton but...saints have drew and reggie.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBY4jyhwAIo&feature=related

Shibaiteyaroka???

japan has been surprisingly awesome. i have to admit, i was a bit apprehensive about making this trip sans boss - first time ever to something of significance. not to mention around the world with minimal knowledge (3 semesters in college, but that was awhile ago) of the language.

but it's been a great trip so far.

1) business class is freaking awesome. 14 hours of bliss. food and drinks on command, a comfy reclining seat with ample room (it helped there was no one in the seat next to me as well), tv and movies on demand, and noise cancelling headphones. geez, it's better than being at home. disconnected from the world, with nothing to do but eat, sleep, and relax. (fine, i guess i could have done work, but i chose not to)

2) apparently i look japanese. everyone keeps talking at me in japanese and it's only when it's painfully obvious that i'm trying to formulate a response with my limited nihongo that they switch to english. sign language gets you pretty far with people who can't speak english.

2a) the foreign language sector of my brain is mad confused. it's some combo of the fact that japanese is very similar to korean, that i recently had to start learning spanish to tutor (which has only caused me to confuse french and spanish to begin with) - and the fact that finnish is running through my brain. the first day here i tried to say something like today it's very cold, and i drew a huge blank followed by tannen wa froid yo. it's like i have each part of the sentence i'm trying to say, but it's a crapshoot as to which vocabulary will translate each word first.

3) japan is clearly not ready for female engineers. i'm the only woman who isn't bringing coffee. i want to manufacture a new hard hat design that has room for a ponytail. during inspections yesterday, the reports said "inspected by mr._christinapark. to which i pointed out the error of the "mr." they responded "ahh...sumimasen....mrs?"

sigh, no. FAIL.

i told sab and he gave me some choice phrases i could say, including shibaiteyaroka??? (should i beat you up???) haha, oh sab.

4) the airport totally ripped me off in exchange rate. they gave me something pathetic like 77 yen to a dollar, when the going rate is like 89. i only realized this last night, so i'm trying to spend all of my cash on business expenses so i can expense the horrid rate.

5) the food is just that good. no joke. i won't be able to eat sushi in america for quite awhile. the presentation is amazing, but honestly, i could do without the eyes of everything staring at me from my plate.

6) i love how they gift wrap everything for you...FOR FREE! awesomeness.

that is all for now.

lockout

well, that was a crazy turn of events.

so last night serg and i had our joint birthday shindig downtown. i never go downtown. i think i can count the number of times i've gone below ktown (not including when the church office was on 28th)...on two hands. but in the spirit of not being a grandma, i decided may as well try this normal birthday thing that most people do.

i have to say - it was fun. that might have been the alcohol talking...but once my friends actually showed up i had a good time. eth/eug and i went out to eat afterwards and they're super cool - somehow i manage to become the 3rd wheel on young couples but at least there are cool ones out there.

so the train finally takes me home when i realize...i don't have my keys. so i go to the desk sheepishly, because i had JUST locked myself out earlier that same day and had had to get a spare key - which i had not yet returned and was sitting on my desk. i was embarassed to have to ask for ANOTHER key.

but there was no other key.

apparently there is but one spare, and once it's out, it's out. there's no way to get in, save calling a locksmith, which he said would cost a few hundred dollars at that hour, if we could even get one.

so i sit down, and realize my broker has a copy of my key. but it's 3am. that's just not a nice thing to do to anyone. he's the only person with a copy. i'm dead tired and need to get up early to tutor on sun on a tight schedule that has me going straight thru the day till church and small group are over. i could hang out in my lobby for x hours until he woke up...but really, what were my options?

so feeling horribly guilty, i called him. he didn't pick up so i left a message and sent him an email. panic sets in - i went on my bbry and bry was online. carol texted me to see if i was ok and (i love bryrol) told me to get in a cab to lic and crash at their place.

i napped for a few hours, then got myself back in a cab (i think i dropped $100 on cabs in one day), picked up the key from marty in the morning, and made it home.

this whole episode doesn't help my grandma tendencies of being a homebody and, well, just wanting to stay in instead of going out. but...it did make me realize i have some pretty great friends. it's always nice to know there's someone who cares for you beyond inconvenience.

and with that, i'm off to start my crazy day. i really hope i don't fall asleep.

christmas challenge

bbans once accused me (read: teased me for an entire year) that i was a shopaholic. he got our entire sg to label me as a shopaholic. ok fine - i did happen to stock up on baby clothes at outlets when they were on sale, for the unborn children that would inevitably have baby showers. some call this an addiction. i call it good sense.

so i thought about it, and i guess in a way, i am. i took offense to it at the time because i don't feel that i'm irresponsible with my money, but as i think about it - i do genuinely enjoy shopping. or more specifically, bargain shopping. and hands down, my strongest love language is gifts.

for the last few years, my dad and i have had this system for christmas. he has a list of people (his accountant, lawyer, people he works with, pastors, etc.) that he needs to buy gifts for. he has no time or patience to think of or shop for meaning gifts. so he would just get them gift certs. one xmas, he sent me to macy's to get hudnreds upon hundreds of dollars of gift certs.

i hate gc's. with few exceptions (like a meaningful gc, for a massage or something), i find them cop-outs of actually putting in the thought of getting a gift. (poor rich found this out the hard way when he got me gc's for the first few bdays/xmases. he has since become quite a thoughtful gift-giver. his wife can thank me someday).

gc's also add up to a lot of money, since what you're getting is exactly the value of what you're paying.

so that year i volunteered to do all of my dad's xmas shopping, if he just gave me a list and a budget of the value of the items he wanted to purchase. somehow this has carried on year to year - though last year i was quite proud to have saved him roughly 50% (though i suffered a 12 hour escapade on black friday at woodbury for it)

somehow i've become his personal shopper - but honestly, i really don't mind. i see it as my christmas challenge, esp bc its usually got a time limit.

i know jesus is the reason for the season. but i really enjoy having an excuse to get presents for people without pretense. though i fully admit that it's for my own satisfaction of seeing their reactions when they open them. so i guess pheobe on friends was right...there isn't an unselfish good deed out there. oh, well.

somebody loves me

it's nice to be reminded sometimes that someone loves you.

after feverishly wrapping christmas gifts for the fam (15 kids now amongst the cousins...i need to get moving to get a return on my investment xmas after xmas) i spent the day with my favorite family. did some long division with samster until she was pretty confident - i love how that girl thinks it's cool to do math with eemoh.

so unnee asks her "soyun eemoh's going to move in with us for awhile, what do you think about that?"

sam: "for how long?"

unnee: "we don't know yet"

sam: [pause]. "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

man, i was getting worried for a minute there. i know sam loves me, but it sure took awhile for her reaction to come around. can't think of any other family i'd be willing to live with, though (or perhaps, any other family that would be willing to live with me).

this morning i was trying to get issac into his shoes so we could get out the door, and decided to challenge him to a race. so he's giggling and shoving his feet in, and i was dillydallying with my laces so he could win...he straps on the velcro and gives me a big grin "i win!"

so i said "high five!" and he asks me: "is that your good hand or your bad hand?"

so i showed him my two hands and asked "which one is eemoh's bad hand?"

he points to my right hand (the one with the scar), and i say "yup, we only high five with the good hand, right?"

"right!"

and he gives me a high five.

i love that my 3 year old nephew remembers i had surgery and that he's supposed to be careful around my hand. and how he puts his head on my shoudler when i pick him up after a nap. and getting a "good morning eemoh" to start my day.

it's comforting to know that i won't be homeless.

on a side note, it's going to be a medical kind of day. flu shot, dentist, hand therapy, surgeon. i'm scared.

enough

oh thank God, 29 is already looking better than 28. at the risk of bringing curses upon myself, it couldn't have gotten too much worse - but as bry commented this morning when i shared some good news with him - it's looking better already.

so my broker tells me this morning that we have an offer - and that i'm going to take it. praise God indeed - it's been a good week on the real estate front. the offer was just at the lower limit of what i was willing to take for my apt - funny enough, the magic number that i had formulated in my head long before we had even discussed what to make the asking price. and what's interesting to me is that at the end of the day, the number we made the asking price was barely above that magic number threshold i had come up with. so it was pretty likely that it'd end up being negotiated lower - or that we'd have to lower the asking price anyways, since the apt has been on the market for over a month without any decent offers.

last week my mortgage broker came back to me with an approval for my new mortgage - i sent back the last of the remaining asset docs and for the time being, we're all set. all i need now is for my new apt to hurry up and finish being built, inspected, and closed - which is estimated for april but knowing construction, could be anywhere from april to april.

so at the end of the day - i will be homeless for some period of time. but that's definitely better than carrying 2 mortgages. and it's a huge relief to know that things are moving forwards, in the right direction. for all the headache and confusion that has transpired - and for how much i hate to make big decisions where there is not clear-cut right answer - it's nice to see the risks getting smaller and the lines becoming darker as definition sets in.

things don't always - or perhaps never - work out the way you think they would. and i'm not so optimistic to say that they always end up better. but you get what you get, and you don't get upset.

if i could go back and do it all over again - i would not have fought at aau natls. i would not have broken my hand. i would not have suffered surgeries and rehab and all that life has sucked as a result. i wouldn't have tried eharm and wouldn't have met the douche that was david.

but had that not happened, i would not have been fed up with my small apt. would not have had all this time to be looking for a new place, making the financials happen, and gearing for the next stage of life.

was it worth it?

absolutely not. i'm no blind optimist.

but, given as i have no control over all that's transpired...i asked God to throw me a bone, and He did. good real estate news the last week or so, and also, combined sg with the miaos to form a large sg with a diff structure. ideal? no. better? yes.

sometimes when you're so down you just don't want to play anymore, God gives you just enough to keep going. and enough is...well, it's enough. i don't feel lavished upon nor necessarily provided for or listened to (the operative word being feel - the disconnect between the God i know and the God i feel has been vast) - but there's enough of a reminder that i have not been forgotten. and for this moment, today, that is enough.

if then else

why am i such a programming moron? as hki would say..."are you sure you're an insinööri?" speaking of which, i need to catch up on my finnish. i bet i've already forgotten how to tell time.

i remember taking 1.00 (c++) for 3 weeks freshman year. i think orton wrote all my code for pset1 for me before i ended up dropping the class. (best decision i ever made). i had absolutely no desire to ever code anything.

my boss claims that there are no good books out there for vba, so i just have to "figure it out". i'm not really a fan.

there's one part of me that finds it kind of neat and somewhat satisfying to see a piece of code chunk out data. but the actual process of coding turns me off so much that i'd rather just calculate it myself. (of course we get into the realms where that becomes impossible...at which point i lament that they blocked gchat).

i find it ironic that computers are supposed to be logical, when in reality...they're literally black boxes. the IT person at help desk laughed the other day when we were discussing something that was wrong with my computer, and we couldn't figure it out. and i said "eh, well, i think it's just magic. if i wait long enough, it might just decide to work. who knows!" and by magic, i mean my computer is possessed.

in the name of jesus....compile!

ready for some fb

well the football tourney came and went. we came in 4th, which was good enough to make it to the tourn of champions, though i think we definitely could've done better.

we always come out flat - last year we lost horribly in our first game, something like 21-0. this year we lost horribly in our first game (to the team we beat by 5 td's last year) something like 21-7. i know i played horribly. perhaps the curse of the first match is true for every sport.

i have to say, i knew that gnny would end up being good. and it's kind of funny because i remember last year, when i was debating what church to go to - from a football standpoint, i felt drawn to gnny. it was new, raw, and they would lose badly that first season. but i could see it in the coaches and the girls - they didn't know what they were doing, but they loved it, and they were having a great time. they would improve, they would get deeper, and one day they would be good. i didn't expect it to come this quickly, but hats off to them.

i don't doubt that God wanted me to be at joy. and maybe all this football stuff puts into perspective why you choose a church. i love playing football, and though i know that if i'd joined gnny, i'd be used to my fuller potential and have been able to lead and participate more in shaping the ministry...i guess that's not the best reason to choose a church.

i really do love our pastors and i learn a lot each sunday. i think that's important to me - that balance of respecting them and feeling like i have something to learn, but also having a relationship with them where they know who i am and i can talk to them. hard to find, and i'm glad i've found it. and getting into ministry has been fairly autonomous in terms of being as involved as i want to be. i think that's important FOR me. so all in all, i think joy is where i'm supposed to be. even if it means schlepping myself hours to get out to jersey for football practices and feeling confined to a pre-existing team without room to move.

the day got better as it went on, though. beating gcc by a huge margin felt really good - the one team i'd never beaten in all the years at either church. i still think our team has so much potential. we're so on or off, it's really a question mark as to how any given game will turn out. but i really do think we have the talent and the technical...if only we could put it together and keep things tight.

i really appreciate when people come to cheer for the team. i think more than anythign else - that kind of support is how i receive encouragement and affirmation best. i wonder if that's a love language.

on another note, i've really been enjoying the dominance of the saints and colts this season. brees is giving some competition to peyton as my fav qb. not to be a bandwagon fan - bc again, i don't really follow a team - but it's just good football. and esp for the saints, as a team that's sort of an underdog in having such a good record, i can't help but root for them. i think it'd mean so much to them if they went all the way.

books and he's just not that into you

i've been reading a lot lately - i'm not sure when this came about and what possessed me to actually get to the ends of books (i'm notorious for starting and not finishing books), but it's been nice. i haven't been this into books since i was in elementary school. 6th grade, in fact, which was right about when i discovered math. actually, i think i can pinpoint my turn from the joy of reading to starting kumon.

for some reason, i appear to be the only kid that ever liked kumon. i think it's because my teacher was awesome. mrchoi. i wonder what he's up to now.

regardless - i just finished this book called the_overachievers. fascinating yet entertaining insight into the overachiever culture created amongst teens in america - and basically, how our parents screw us up. i feel like she could have written a character about me, though i feel that sort of stress caught up with me later in life.

when i look at these high school kids go crazy and try to help them deal with it, i just don't remember high school being that hard. either because things were easier back then, or kids are more dramatic now, or parents are pushing their kids beyond their potential (not uncommon), or...because MIT whooped my butt so badly i don't remember anything else as having been difficult.

but this book was well-researched and brought up a lot of flaws and potential ... not solutions ... but suggestions to alleviate the ridiculousness that exists today. thoroughly enjoyed it. gave me a springboard for my book in progress.

anyways. i'm very close to finishing the_tipping_point and about halfway through blink.

i think there should be an asian_american_christian version of "he's just not that into you". in fact, i'll start here.

-he's just not that into you if you lead a small group and he doesn't join your group

-he's just not that into you if you invite him to come watch your game and he doesn't come.

this list will be ongoing. this could get interesting.

sigh

i wonder if i should name my tlc "non members". no current members signed up for my group. zero manpower. ZERO. though to be fair, i myself am not yet a member of our church. (this time it's bc i could never make it to membership class the last few times it was offered - not because i didn't want to). but seriously.

i told them from the beginning that the model of just letting people sign up for groups would have x-factors in terms of distribution. perhaps i knew that my group would be the one to get screwed. regardless. and as far as i can tell there aren't any guys, which is only going to make it more awkward when new people come because no guys are going to want to be in a group of girls (heck, i'm not even comfortable being in a group of girls).

seriously God. throw me a bone here. please?

the funk continues

so the birthday came and went. i have to say my fb page never felt so popular, nor did my inbox. yet at the same time, it was strangely lonely. as someone put it when i dragged myself out to football ... what are you doing here? you should be out partying with your friends.

which led me to this question - who are my friends? i mean, of course i have friends. i'm not a loner by any means. and i'd go so far as to say i have good friends. perhaps the issue is that i have too many circles of friends, and am spread too thin to really spend adequate time with any of them, or say i have a primary group of friends. maybe because i don't have a best friend.

when it came down to it ... what did i do for my birthday dinner? ordered from saigon, ate it while watching reruns of friends. it's not like i was sitting at home lamenting, i enjoyed myself just fine. but it does sound rather pathetic.

perhaps that is the root of loneliness in life - knowing that you don't have an advocate. whether it be a significant other, a best friend, a sibling, a protective older or a younger that looks up to you - maybe the age old "take care of yourself because no one else will ever take care of you" is true. it's not to say i haven't been taken care of by people over the years, in different capacities. i think it's just that counting on it gets into a mess of disappointment.

one thing that was nice about dating was that there was always that go-to person that you could call, or who would call you, just because. i mean, that's always going to be true of my parents, but let's face it, the desire to talk to them is typically less than zero, and conversations end up pretty much the same.

i had this thought the other day - if i just accepted that fact that i would be single forever, how would that change how i lived my life? now, this is drawn more from my lack of faith and significant discouragement-mixed-with-defeat (which i admit is terrible, but just being honest) than any sort of conviction at all (i have none) that i'm called to or desire to be single. but in the interest of just not being so tired in hoping for better, i wondered, maybe this is all there is.

29, please don't suck

well. so 29 is upon us. and by us i mean me.

once again election day comes to steal my thunder. (which is supremely ironic since i don't vote and adamantly avoid politics).

i just realized this morning that i have this really odd habit. when i wake up in the morning, the first thing i do is hit the snooze and look at the time. (that's normal). then i think back to last night and try to remember what time i fell asleep. not went to bed. fell asleep. so sometimes that involves figuring out what time i crawled up into the loft, and estimating how long it took me to pass out.

i've been noticing for awhile that i do this, but i just figured out why. based on those numbers and how much sleep i got - i tell myself whether it's reasonable for me to feel tired or not. granted, i almost never have the luxury of waking up without an alarm, and just lying in bed comfortably. so in general, i'll always wake up tired. but i want to know whether i'm justified to feel tired, or whether i just need to suck it up because i really shouldn't be.

boy is my mind messed up. but i guess that's kind of how i operate - usually when i get upset at someone or about something, i'll relay the situation to a friend and ask if it's reasonable for me to be upset. and if they validate - then i'll be upset. like, REALLY upset. but then if they don't, i have to think about it and how to suck it up. it's weird. but i guess it prevents some meltdowns.

anyways.

i would have treated myself to a day off of work today, if not for the fact that my boss wanted to take me out to lunch. otherwise my birthday plans are ... work. hand therapy. fball prac. actually, i would have skipped fball today if not for the fact that it's the last practice and attendance affects playing time.

why am i such a grandma??

though ironically the best birthday i had in recent memory (or perhaps overall) was 27 - when the football tourney fell on my birthday. again, great team, great coaches, great times. have never felt more loved or thrived so much in being myself. which is quite the opposite of the environment impending, but what can you do.

anyways.

sab asked me last night when the camp was. i bet i missed the deadline to apply for the wildcard spot. he asked me if i wasn't interested. i didn't know.

as 29 hits me i find myself completely lost because...i don't have any goals. the goals that i've held onto all these years athletically and personally - well, i could renew them, i suppose. but i don't know if i want to. part of me definitely does. but the other part of me is tired of being defeated and disappointed.

i've always been too stubborn to be a quitter but...being stubborn takes a lot of effort. waving the white flag...well it sucks. but i'm just so tired. i would love to give it another shot. i miss training hard, training with sab, and i think i'm still getting better. but i just can't take heartbreak one more time. at some point, after you lose in every way imaginable - you'd think you'd go numb but it just gets worse.

so then what?

work doesn't entice me, professional goals aren't appealing, and i have a disappointingly meager amount of faith that i'll actually meet mr_right.

all in all - i think i'm averse to making, upholding, or even believing in goals looking forward because...i'm tired of falling short, being disappointed, and i'm REALLY tired of being in the emergency room.

but i'm inherently goal-oriented. so in getting through the day to day, feeling drained by people and demands and finding the best moments of my day reading on the train or watching sportscenter by myself at night (which will become less entertaining as football season draws to a close, since i have no interest in basketball)...something's gotta change. i need direction. i'm not comfortable sitting still, but i don't want to go anywhere.

what a thoroughly random post. i wonder if i've become an introvert.

29, please don't suck. pretty please.

good riddance, 28.

i need a vacation. i just want to ignore everyone, everything, and just stay in my apt and sleep. sleep until i can sleep no more. and then lie in bed and read a book. man, i need some prayer or something - this funk is killing me. as are the crazy parents (mine and the ones of the kids i tutor).

so i've been trying to detect what all this is. i was reading the tipping point recently and it had this whole section about why people smoke. as revolting as it is - it's basically a boost to your brain that makes you feel good. well for me that's endorphines. adrenaline. from working out, and working out hard.

it's been 4 months since i've been able to do that. 6-8, really, if i think about the last time i was trainig HARD. no wonder i'm so depressed lately - all i've been doing is sitting around. playing football, sure, but let's face it. that's recreational at best, and most of the time is spent standing around. except for tues conditioning practices - jdong is awesome.

i think this is the first year that i haven't really been looking forward to the fball tournament. if anything - i'm looking forward to it because then it'll be over. never thought i'd say that.

it's funny - despite the dissatisfaction with this or that, or the disappointments of this season (circumstances, personally, whatever) - i always loved to play. it's kind of like adambanks in mightyducks. when faced with a choice of having to leave the team he had always known and considered his teammates for a less developed team that didn't welcome him and not playing at all - he chose to play. "i just want to play hockey".

well, i just want to play football. but when your hand is busted, you lose your starting position, most of your closer friends don't come back this year and you're stuck with some people who just don't seem to like you even though you make efforts to cater to their (often unreasonable) personalities - well - sometimes you just don't want to play. or maybe i just don't feel like a part of the team this year, and fball being such a team sport...it makes it no fun.

times like this i miss thrillers so much. and i know that it was a good thing they disbanded it, and that it was the last straw i needed to finally cut the cord and move on to another church. and i know that joy is the church God wants me to be at right now. but it doesn't make it any easier. those were the best times. much like many memories of being fully accepted, putting my heart out there and into people, and thriving in watching people grow, in growing myself.

as i approach another birthday i wonder...have the best times just all been had? does it ever get better? i decided to stop looking at 29 with dread, or as a reminder of how all the things i had wanted to accomplish in my life up until this point - have been shot down by the wayside.

but in a way - i'm glad it will be a new year. because i'm ready to put 28 behind me. the suckiest year by far, i don't want to jinx myself by saying it couldn't get any worse - but it's been pretty bad. and i hope more than anything else...that the worst is over.

sg envy

songs of the moment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfjX66JCgu0

every time i get a new computer, i lose songs in the backup. mp3's are like socks - you put them all in there, you pull them all out - and inevitably some just run off by themselves and disappear. and when they're korean - it's that much harder to figure out how to redownload them.

fail.

* * * * * *

pdny had a good sermon yesterday. this whole series has been good, matt 5.

bry told me the other day that it's ok to tell God he sucks. actually, he reminds me of that a lot. but it's true - essentially, that's what prayer is. it's not like God doesn't know what i think prior to my voicing it. that whole omniscient thing isn't something you can get around.

anyways, so i have sg envy. i realized this has been building up since the beginning of the plant, but it only adds to the "God, i thought you were supposed to provide" angst. first off, i didn't really like the prospect of leading alone. but there it was. no coleader, no champions, and as of last week, few signups and the ones that did were all new. no manpower. and part of me just takes the extra jab that young and ptr will continue tlc and somehow i got stuck flying solo. i enjoyed last year's core. i really hope God provides.

i dislike hoping these days. it makes me tired.

my hand hurts. i think it's gotten worse.

could've would've should've. didn't.

my new year's resolution is to be less of a grandma. ok fine, it's not even the end of october yet, but...i'm such an ahjumma and perfectly ok with it. i get tired at midnight. and i'm ok with staying at home on a friday night watching tv and playing games on fb.

danc called me at 10.30 tonight saying he and chin and charls were coming down from boston and to see if i could come out. by the time i called him back (after 11p) they were almost here...and after a long day of fball and outlet shopping (yes, christmas is upon us, and i unfortunately packed away half of the gifts i had already bought and put them into storage in the 'extreme thinning of material possessions' effort) - it took formidable effort to overcome activation energy.

but it's danc and chin and i missed the mit reunion weekend last week, and...well, why not? so i went out, and joined their cornell tkd reunion and...it was fun.

there's a part of me that wishes i partied more (or rather, partied at all) when i was younger. (to which chin interjected that i'm still young and i should go party now). though i really do feel too old.

but i wonder, in all my years of studying and training and more training and traveling and even more training - did i miss out?

at the end of the day, i always kept doing tkd and putting my head down and just pushing, pushing, pushing all the time - because i stood by the statement that i would rather regret the things i did do than the things i didn't do. but at the end of the day, all i regret are the things i didn't get to do. which i suppose i shouldn't feel so bad about because i did what i could do - but in the end i still didn't get what i wanted, and that was one heck of a lot of sacrifice to fall short.

i looked around the bar at all these people having a good time. it was good music, good company, and generally good tasting drinks that i probably drank too fast. (mental image of mikey shaking his head at me for my tendency to just drink whatever is put in front of me. what can i say? i get thirsty.) but i wondered...is this what normal people do? and do i wish i was normal? (while being well aware that i'm NOT normal).

i wish i hadn't turned down all the birthdays and such that i'd been invited to. that i'd learned how to dress appropriately, act appropriately (i'm still unsure as to what the protocol is for tipping a bartender), stay awake past midnight, and the like.

but...it requires so much effort. and i really do like watching reruns and playing games on fb.

for the love of the game

when people find out that i love football, their reactions are always one of these two:

a) assume i'm a giants fan

b) if not a, then they ask who my team is

after who knows how many years, and symbolically (at least in my mind) having relinquished my CA drivers license (with my 16-year-old-with-braces picture) - i have finally become a real new yorker. (i can feel my friendly factor and optimism diminishing as i type). however, when someone mentions the giants, i still think back to candlestick park (not that i'd ever watched a game there), to orange and black, to my favorite players i used to collect baseball cards for (nasty chewing gum and all)...

so when i say i'm not a giants fan, people ask if i'm a pats fan. having lived in boston for 6 years, during which i believe they won a superbowl if not 2, you would think so. but i never watched a pats game or knew who tbrady was until after i left boston. same with the sox.

so in high school i was definitely a giants and niners fan. but i'm not entirely sure what happened in college and beyond. i think it's because i don't want to jump on bandwagons - being in ny is an interesting way to follow sports. you can't really be a mets fan unless you grew up a mets fan. i mean, most of the time there isn't much to cheer about. jumping on the yankees bandwagon just seems wrong - it's kind of like how girls in LA who don't know anything about basketball are lakers fans just because they're good. the giants had that one miraculous season (though i must admit, that tyree catch and manning scramble were pretty awesome) but i really disliked plaxico. (this gets me going on another weird thing i have, where i can't separate an athlete's skills from his/her character. if an athlete is a douchebag, i don't care how good he is - i just can't admire him.) the jets? eh. same boat as the mets.

so here i am, in the middle of the best time of the year (football season) - and i don't have a team.

so when people ask me who i'm a fan of, i've found myself saying something of the following:

i'm a peyton fan. (seriously. i love watching peyton.) i'm a reggiebush fan. brandonjacobs. larryfitz. randymoss. LT.

in short - i'm a football fan. i just love the game. i don't really care who wins or loses - i just want to see good football. i like seeing plays develop. good routes, fakes, leadblocking, teamwork, and especially good playaction. (hence, peyton).

i think that being emotionally invested in a team takes away from really enjoying or appreciating the game itself. (well, unless your team is winning in which case your enjoyment factor is probably magnified).

or perhaps i'm just tired of being emotionally invested (and correspondingly disappoitned) in sports and this is my subconscious self-protective measure to enjoy football in a controlled fashion.

gift of prophecy

recall: my mom had this ridiculous notion (ie. wishful thinking) last year where she had a dream that i would be married by september. (2008, people). clearly that came and went. (note to self: mom not gifted in prophecy, don't believe any predictions she makes).

so last sunday, i was riding the elevator up to church with p dny, and he was all dressed up. (our church is casual - thank goodness - so p dny showing up in a suit and tie merited a comment). he said he was going to a wedding right after service, to which i commented something along the lines of "ah yes, i feel like i'm going to a wedding every other weekend these days."

p dny: "ha ha .. well, you're next"

me: "well, pd, i really hope you have the gift of prophecy"

he was really amused by my oh-so-witty-with-a-touch-of-jadedness comment.

office fail

i won tickets to a waterpark at my company raffle. today's weather "feels like" 36 degrees.

FAIL.

* * * * * * *

Email from boss:

"This is the latest report on the plant failure, translated from Russian. The tentative conclusion has now gone to stud fatigue failure. This still has to be considered speculative. We still haven't received design dwgs to allow any calcs."

Reply from EVP:

"This would have been easier to read if it was still in Russian"

dealbreakers - part 1

gut reactions and dealbreakers are funny things. i think finding a spouse is strikingly similar to finding a home. obviously there are some key differences, seeing as how you rarely think of picking one house and being there forever. but regardless - the process, uncertainties, and reactions have been ... uncanny.

when i was out to purchase my current apt 4+ years ago, my broker told me that i just had to go to a lot of open houses. he told me to look in the paper and just go take a look, even if the apts didn't look at all interesting in the ads. most of the time, my gut reaction was right - if it didn't impress on paper, it didn't impress in person. but it was an educational exercise nonetheless, because as i saw apt after apt, i grew increasingly aware of what i was NOT willing to live with. in the reality of being on a tight budget for a starter apt and realizing that there were limitations as to what i could afford ... certain things popped out that i never expected.

for example, i saw this apt in a very nice neighborhood, twice the size of most of the apts that were being offered - but it was the top floor of a 5 story walk-up. after one visit, my broker was absolutely floored that i rejected this apt and didn't give it a second thought. and i explained to him "mrt, i work out 2-4 hours a day. people kick me every night and i'm usually limping and sore on the way home. there's no way i can walk up 5 flights of stairs after that, carrying all my gear and books, every night."

he thought i was crazy to turn this down.

since then, he has joined taekwondo. this time around, he didn't bother showing me any buildings without elevators.

some differences, you learn to live with. some, you just know you can't. there would be no compromise living in a walk-up - the only possible compromise would be on my part, either just getting used to it, or growing a resentment for the home i couldn't reach.

tulista!

i had a hilarious conversation with hki. i feel like my english becomes more proper around him - i suppose because europeans learn english properly, as opposed to the bastardization we use on a regular basis.

he was trying to explain (the incredibly complex) structure of finnish words and why you have two ä's when you respond "hyvää" instead of just "hyvä" which is the actual word "good".

hki: if somebody asks how your food is you can say"hyvää / pahaa / kuumaa / tulista"("good / bad / hot / spicy")it's like telling how something is - same thing goes with the question "mitä kuuluu?"

me: so ... if someone asks me "how are you?" it's ok to respond with "i'm spicy"???

i'm not sure where we concluded on that ... except that i want someone finnish to ask me how i'm doing, so i can respond "tulista!" and see what they say.

* * * * * * * * *

hki: when everything annoys you you can reply "pahaa"

so apparently that's the equivalent of how i say "rawr". (and then i had to explain that i made up "rawr" as a grunt of discontent, and that it's not a real word.) but yes. pahaa. i think i will be using you a lot.

you get what you get...

i recently decided to start blogging again - maybe because this is the fodder from which my books will draw...or maybe because blogging on facebook is too public. or maybe because i think out loud and i have a lot of thoughts i need to sort out. regardless,

in the recent discoveries and events surrounding the mysterious disappearance and behavior of d.c. ... i'm left with a dissatisfaction that i just don't understand. how a person can lie with a straight face, how none of my friends and family that met him picked up on this character flaw, and why all of this was at all necessary.

it takes me back to 2.003 (linear systems and dynamics) soph year, with the awful AWFUL professor who couldn't teach and didn't give us a book so we could teach ourselves. i remember being so frustrated in that class because it just didn't make sense. his derivations skipped steps, the assumptions came out of nowhere, he was just unable to communicate - we were all so confused, problem sets were exercises in shooting in the dark. halfway through the semester, the running joke became the motto of the class: "it's 2.003. just accept." whenever he'd throw us formulas or solutions and they made absolutely no sense - we'd just resign to the fact that the traditional modes of learning how to be an engineer (ie. understanding) would have to be thrown out the window, and the most efficient way to get through the class (and be rid of this prof forever) would be to just accept and regurgitate as best we could.

fast forward to now - i notice that i have trouble accepting what i don't understand, particularly when behavior is ... wrong. mean. not honorable. insert adjective here. i can't help but look back and put the pieces together, even if it kind of sucks and everyone says to just forget about it. but forgetting means accepting and accepting means acknowledging that it's ok.

and some things are just not ok.

it's strangely similar to when i had my knee kicked out earlier this year. or maybe i'm just thinking about that since worlds are this week and i'm acutely aware that i'm at home while d.a. is there. sitting around crippled for a month left me a lot of time to wrestle with the fact that it wasn't ok with me that at the end of the day she chose to go for my knee. and when sab said, if that's how they're going to play the game, and if the refs aren't calling it, to do it right back to her - i just couldn't.

but what was the result of trying to do the right thing? i left the arena on a stretcher, with a purple swollen knee and yet another 2nd place finish. what did she get? the very thing that i had wanted so badly and worked so hard for. yes, i did the right thing and my conscience is clear - but that doesn't make me feel one bit better about what happened.

of all the things i've been struggling with lately, the top of the list returns to elder brother syndrome.

²⁹But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. ³⁰But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'

i think what doesn't sit well with me is that in trying to be obedient, or trying to act in a way that God would want - it's particularly difficult to see those who don't do so ... get rewarded. rewarded with the very thing that you've wanted, strived for, asked for - and been denied.

i know grace is grace, neither merited nor earned. as my 3 year old nephew recites when he doesn't get chocolate milk and has to settle for vanilla: "you get what you get and you don't get upset"

well, God, that's a lot to ask. and i know that in the big scheme of the Jesus card - nothing is too much to ask. i know what the right answers are. and i know these are not everlasting rewards, and that treasures in heaven are far more valuable.

but it doesn't make it one bit better. in fact, it makes it pretty damn hard.

there are some things you have to accept. God's ways are higher than our ways - of course. but much like abraham pleaded for sodom and gomorrah - if not for fifty righteous would you save the city? forty? thirty? twenty? ten? he sought to understand the God he thought he knew - the God who would smite the righteous with the wicked in an act that didn't make sense to him. but at the end of the day, for whatever reason - he walked away satisfied from that conversation, somehow having reconciled the character of God to a point where he could accept it.

i know i can't know everything. but i want to understand at least so i can accept. even though the city was ultimately destroyed - to have met face to face, pleaded for understanding, and received something to walk away with that restores confidence and hope.

such is the state of the union.