the funk continues

so the birthday came and went. i have to say my fb page never felt so popular, nor did my inbox. yet at the same time, it was strangely lonely. as someone put it when i dragged myself out to football ... what are you doing here? you should be out partying with your friends.

which led me to this question - who are my friends? i mean, of course i have friends. i'm not a loner by any means. and i'd go so far as to say i have good friends. perhaps the issue is that i have too many circles of friends, and am spread too thin to really spend adequate time with any of them, or say i have a primary group of friends. maybe because i don't have a best friend.

when it came down to it ... what did i do for my birthday dinner? ordered from saigon, ate it while watching reruns of friends. it's not like i was sitting at home lamenting, i enjoyed myself just fine. but it does sound rather pathetic.

perhaps that is the root of loneliness in life - knowing that you don't have an advocate. whether it be a significant other, a best friend, a sibling, a protective older or a younger that looks up to you - maybe the age old "take care of yourself because no one else will ever take care of you" is true. it's not to say i haven't been taken care of by people over the years, in different capacities. i think it's just that counting on it gets into a mess of disappointment.

one thing that was nice about dating was that there was always that go-to person that you could call, or who would call you, just because. i mean, that's always going to be true of my parents, but let's face it, the desire to talk to them is typically less than zero, and conversations end up pretty much the same.

i had this thought the other day - if i just accepted that fact that i would be single forever, how would that change how i lived my life? now, this is drawn more from my lack of faith and significant discouragement-mixed-with-defeat (which i admit is terrible, but just being honest) than any sort of conviction at all (i have none) that i'm called to or desire to be single. but in the interest of just not being so tired in hoping for better, i wondered, maybe this is all there is.