progress

man, i love my boy. this morning he made this gigantic mess in the kitchen (like, crackers smashed EVERYWHERE). i saw it and i said "does mommy know about this?" and he goes "uh huh!" (clearly mistaken when my cousin saw it and flipped out). she gave him a broom and a dustpan and told him it had better be cleaned up by the time she got back. (imagine a tiny 3 year old with an adult sized broom and dustpan. it was almost cinderella-esque except he totally deserved it).

so he's carry the dustpan that's as big as he is, and he comes over and says "eemoh will you help me?" so dang cute i couldn't say no. (yes, eemoh can be a pushover). and then he wanted to sit in my lap while i ate breakfast and cuddle.

i'm going to be sad when i have to move out...i realized this with sammy when she was around 2 or 3 and i'd come down for spring break and such...if you bond with them early, they'll remember you forever. man, i love those kids.

the first demo practice went pretty well - i'm pretty excited to be choreographing again. maybe it's because i secretly wish i could dance (or dance in public) - it's probably all in my mind because it's not like i don't have rhythm. but barring the fact that i would never voluntarily join a dance group (hrmm joy olympics last year was the limit of my willingness to shame myself in public), i love making tkd routines to music. i think it goes back to the swagger thing.

or maybe this is just my favorite song right now and i want an excuse to dance to it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOC86BTOGZo&feature=related

jj said something interesting last night which i agree with. he was talking about work and how it bothers him that it's so busy that he's just churning things out without knowing with the overall purpose is. i saw this in my demo team as they got frustrated/overwhelmed with the complexity (or, what they perceived as complexity) of my routine. (seriously guys - we've partied together. i know you can dance. if you can dance, you can learn choreography.) but as they practiced and got more comfortable with the moves, they were able to get to the point where they could see the different parts come together. and then they thought it was cool.

kind of reminded me of football...all the individual parts don't really make sense (especially the blocking) - but at the end of the day, they make plays work. i miss remnant football a lot when i think about the genius of the playbooks. i remember the first year i played for jooho on defense, i had no idea what i was doing. but looking back it was so brilliant that he devised a system of playcalling such that each person didn't have to know what anyone else was doing - you just did your part and it came together. i guess it comes down to trust in your coach or leader, that even if you don't really understand what's going on, there's a purpose somewhere.

so not that his supervisor is God or anything, but...that's all i really could tell him. it sucks that there isn't time to go over everything and fully understand...but it doesn't mean that your contribution doesn't have purpose. in general i think it's hard to separate how things are, and how things make you feel.

anyways.

surgery was moved from today to tomorrow. i have to say, i was pretty disappointed. i wasn't really sure why (bc i hate the idea of surgery). then jj hit the nail on the head when he said i was emotionally prepping myself for tues, and then suddenly i have to go through all that again for tomorrow. man, i hate needles. and i think i'm just extra apprehensive because...my hand just remembers what it's like to be hurting ALL the freaking time. and the pain it is to walk around with it elevated all the time, living in fear that someone will bump it, or now, just wondering if this whole thing will even amount to anything.

but as i shared with my tlc last week...maybe it's God's way of offering me complete healing. i've been going back to matthew 21:22 a lot these days, ever since jj prayed the prayer "we declare in faith that c's car will not get towed". a silly and seemingly insignificant prayer, but ever since then i've been ruminating over what it really means to pray in faith - to declare in faith. maybe this is another opportunity to hope in God in something that i've given up on. maybe being 90% healed and 10% bitter isn't all He wants for me.

oh me of little faith - the overarching doubt of being 90% forever looms. i'm not exactly at desperation (which i think in some ways makes it easier to have faith) - but the bleeding woman reached out to touch jesus's cloak, and she was healed. the father with the possessed son cried out "help my unbelief!"

i think it also comes back to the source of my doubts. i don't doubt that God CAN. i think i doubt that God WILL. and those are two very different things. like any of the big things that weigh on my heart that i ask for ... i think when i end with beef with God, it's more so because i know He can. And that He doesn't (or hasn't yet).

i can't say i can declare in faith that my hand will be healed. but i think i can start to pray in faith, to ask for it. which i guess is progress.

coming back to this morning...i know the boy loves me. how? i just do. children are just kind of transparent like that.

it's funny...isaac wakes me up in the mornings by opening the door to my room, standing next to my bed, and staring at my face until i open my eyes. he then gives me a big smile, and says "good morning! it's time to get up!" and no matter how tired i am, i can't help but smile and be happy to see him. (even on weekends, when he still feels the need to wake me up early).

i pull him onto my stomach, and we sit and chat until i'm conscious, and then we get up and get dressed and start the day. it's the best part of my day.

i think God does that too, except He gets ignored a lot. and most of us don't consider chatting with Him to be the best part of our day. but what if it was? i think it would make my days much more bearable...

swagger is everything

aln gave me some advice today re: my presentation - if nothing else, it made me laugh.

"The most important thing (I know this sounds utterly suspect...), but with presentations, swagger is everything."

maybe i'm like a dude...i wonder if i like the pursuit and the sense of accomplishment. i guess it wouldn't be so far-fetched - i generally like goals and derive much satisfaction from having worked hard for something. though i dislike working hard and being fruitless. that actually bothers me more than anything else.

but i wonder...

i'm still on the fence about imports. i think bc of the 2003 daegu fiasco with the dude i had just met who gave me the gift box with a letter, his mug shots, a jersey (ok that was actually pretty awesome) and a medal (ok i know it's supposedly your most prized medal, but bronze? seriously?) ... let me repeat, a dude i HAD JUST MET. the greencard factor just dominates any sort of genuinity i could possibly see...

i just think it's weird when someone pays that much attention to you after meeting you once.

or maybe i keep going back to what ptr said once...it doesn't make sense why you like someone. you just do. or conversely...you just don't.

anyways - i realized with this presentation that it really is all about swagger. there are areas of my life i have natural swagger. (um, evidenced by the multiple times strangers have stopped me on the street to comment that i walk like an athlete or something about my gait...) put me in a dojang and i don't have to think twice - there's some aura of confidence and "listen to me or die trying" that just ... comes out.

but there are other areas where if it's not 100% - there is no swagger. and that is no good. there should be SOME swagger. but there may be none. like put me in a dress and makeup - no swagger. just discomfort. put me with a dude in ambiguity - no swagger. just impatience and second-guessing. put me in a room of senior engineers and tell me to give a presentation with authority - no swagger. just secretly hoping no one asks questions at the end.

perhaps it's just a modern day rendition of agassis original "attitude is everything"

he's just not that into you

a quote that lisa read in some magazine:

"if he likes you, you'll know. if he doesn't like you, you'll be confused."

so profound.

new directions

this being social thing isn't half bad. though there is a significantly greater number of calories ingested than burned, which doesn't sit well with me.

there's nothing like mit alums. seriously, we were discussing travelling, to hiking, to altitude sickness, to oxygen bars, to oxygen concentration, to oxidation...to moving electrons...to LEO THE LION GOES GER. (the best mnemonic ever, with 'all students take calculus' coming in a close 2nd)

so j, sixpak and i decided to hike mt kilimanjaro next january. and j and i are gonna go to machu piccu (and sixpak will meet us in argentina). i hope these trips actually happen, this will knock off some of my new year's resolutions...and it'd be fun to have travel buddies!

sixpak convinced me to audition for his orchestra. now that i think about it, it could be really fun...and i do miss playing...a lot. i think i'll at least give it a shot...time to revive some old pieces...but i found this site that has free sheet music =) http://violinsheetmusic.org/

but yeah, barring disaster with this next hand surgery...looks like this'll be the new project. that and dodgeball. i really hope my hand heals quickly this time...

meet gideon

14 The LORD turned to him and said, "Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand. Am I not sending you?"

15 "But Lord," Gideon asked, "how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family."

16 The LORD answered, "I will be with you, and you will strike down all the Midianites together."

...

"The LORD is with you, mighty warrior."

-Judges 6:14-16, 12

* * * * * * *

At the risk of being blasphemous...

The LORD turned to him and said, "Go in the strength you have and save Christina from isolation in Westchester and the hand of gas prices. Am I not sending you?"

"But Lord," Gideon asked, "how can I save Christina? My make is a derivative from Toyota who are undergoing recalls, and I (the xA) am the smallest model in Scion's line."

The LORD answered, "I will be with you, and you will find parking in even the most crowded parts of Manhattan. Your 12 gallon tank may cause her to have to refill often, but I will multiply your miles per gallon...

"The LORD is with you, mighty warrior."

resolutions in review

as of january, progress on my new year's resolutions. goals need deliverables and checkpoints, and ... looking back, i was very unambitious at the beginning of the year. enough of that.

1) return to the state of fitness i was in before i broke my hand (aka "return of the claw")

THIS HAS BEEN SHOCKINGLY DISAPPOINTING. I'M ABOUT 15 POUNDS HEAVIER, AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY. SR IS REALLY PUSHING FOR ME TO SPAR AGAIN, THOUGH SOMETIMES I WORK OUT AND JUST THINK...THIS IS SO NOT WORTH IT. BUT I'M RIDICULOUSLY OUT OF SHAPE, TO THE POINT WHERE I THINK ABOUT GETTING BACK TO WORKING OUT EVERY DAY AND GET TIRED. IS THIS WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE THINK LIKE? (IS THAT WHY THE WORLD IS FAT AND LAZY?)

I NEED SOME NEW ATHLETIC GOALS ... MAYBE DODGEBALL WILL DO IT FOR ME. TOO BAD THIS UPCOMING SURGERY IS GOING TO PUT ME BACK ON THE BENCH FOR A BIT...

2) apply for (and if ambitious, take) my PE licensing exam

I'VE HAD NO MOTIVATION TO DO THIS IN THE LAST 3 MONTHS. BUT THE YEAR IS STILL YOUNG.

3) keep all of my electronic devices. in recent history, i've managed to lose or have stolen: 2 phones, 1 camera, 1 ipod, 1 blackberry. very bad track record.

I HAVEN'T LOST ANYTHING YET. SECRETLY PROUD.

4) finish my movie

MADE SOME ADDITIONS, BUT IT'S STILL ON HOLD. I THINK I HAVE TO RETHINK THE VISION AND STORYLINE BEFORE ADDING THE OTHER SEGMENTS. PLUS I'VE HAD NO TIME FOR IMOVIE LATELY...

5) substantially outline/write draft of my book

NO PROGRESS AS YET.

6) learn how to put on my own makeup

DID IT TWICE. APPARENTLY IT TURNED OUT OK. I'VE RESOLVED TO GO OUT MORE AND FORCE MYSELF TO SOCIALIZE. IT'S A GRAND EFFORT BUT...EH LIFE ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE EASY.

* * * * * * * * * *

New additions to the list:

7) learn how to play guitar

8) pick the violin and piano back up, especially while i'm living with the chongs. play gwinston's canon with some degree of fluidity.

9) prep and give the seminar series on inductive bible study

10) go on a blind date (fully anticipating this to be disastrous)

11) take a road trip

12) go on a real vacation (ie. not for tournament purposes)

13) go out more (try to do something social at least once a week - as in a dinner or event that is not for explicit church or organizational purposes. frivolous and expendable only.)

14) NOT end up in the ER

please please please

haha lakim posted this on her fb and it made me smile...mostly bc it's such an honest prayer and i totally feel it...

"please please please, God, I really want this. please give it to me... unless it's bad for me, in which case, I will understand if you don't. but i'm just saying... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE..."

prayer is such an interesting thing - i feel like it's contradictory when i read books on prayer that say you have to be specific about what you want, and to declare to God and have faith that He'll answer. (a la matthew 21 and whatever you ask for in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith).

then there's the God is God and we are not, and the "God, let your will be done" (a la lord's prayer) sort of stance.

so which is it? i guess ideally God's will and your will would align and BAM. answered prayers. (or, answered the way you want them, as opposed to doors slammed shut in your face). but nothing is ideal, and definitely not this world.

life's tough. get a helmet.

on an unrelated note, i watched this espn quick documentary last night about reggiemiller, spikelee, and the pacers/knicks in the 90's. it was well-made and fascinating. i don't follow basketball, but rm is the man. and they said, of this critical 18-seconds-left-down-by-6 moment: "there's a time to play, and a time to win".

i found it insanely profound.

the end of an era

my apt is closing today at 2pm. hard to believe that after almost 5 years, it's time to say goodbye. it was a great starter apartment - small (tiny) but space-efficient...great building with great doormen (i'm going to really miss them), right next to the park where i'd go play football at odd hours of the night...i'm really going to miss that neighborhood.

i've been feeling pretty overwhelmed lately, which is probably why i haven't even had time to collect my thoughts and spew them out here. i see some common themes running through all the things that stress me out these days, which is namely that i need grace and i have no control over receiving it. (a very disliked recurring theme in my life).

to quote FRIENDS: "an era is defined as a significant period of life."

and as i look back on the last 5 years in that apt, it was pretty significant. there were many firsts and lasts in that time period.

taekwondo - i bought that apt with tkd in mind - to be close to the dj so i could walk to and from easily (esp when the dj was originally on 99th/amst). the 2005-2010 period parked the peak of my career, as i spent every possible spare moment (and moments that weren't free, too) at the dj, teaching, training, and developing. i spent every vacation day i had travelling for tournaments, every financial decision was footing the bill. every medical benefit was used...yeah. as i move, i wonder if that era of my life is officially closed...though even if it's not, it's definitely changing.

church - my views of and needs in a church have changed dramatically. that apt encapsulated the remnant era, and i hosted many a small group in that box. that timeframe was marked with much confusion and not quite knowing what i wanted or needed in a church...but navigating through some tough questions nonetheless. with it came my transition to joy in nj, and then eventually to joy manhattan. who would've thought? but in the end...as joyM is settling down and i'm finding my niche, i know that this is where God wants me to be, and the new apt will be the beginnings of hosting many more small groups and events. i think the old apt helped me realize the gift of hospitality, which was somewhat evident in college, and more so now.

career - wow this is a biggie. i didn't realize until i talked to my home insurance guy about changing my contact info that the number they had on file was from 3 jobs ago. it boggles my mind when i think about how crazy i was to move to this city in faith (very uncharacteristic of me) and how God provided this random job for me. granted, it was not the greatest, and certainly paid horribly - but it was a shift in priorities and a time period of living in utter dependence financially. (seriously, i don't know what i was thinking). when i look at the transitions from mp to ca to nypa...it's a pretty interesting progression and process from one dissatisfaction to another until i found the environment that works for my life balance and a boss i can finally respect and who cares about me. (p is my white dad, that guy is awesome).

so all in all - looking back on the passing of this apt indicates that...it is indeed the end of an era. and i think it's hard to let that era go, in many ways. it was an era of discovery and uncertainty - lack of clarity leads to taking risks and trying new things. but in other ways, i'm pretty well aware that i want to move on. get married (yeah God, any day now, thanks), settle into ministry, buy some permanent furniture, transition to other things.

i have no idea what it's going to look like. but i know that i'm never going to have to do coin-operated laundry again. and i'm finally going to have a kitchen. for some odd reason...those things represent stability for me. the old apt was just where i lived. the new apt is going to be home.