progress

man, i love my boy. this morning he made this gigantic mess in the kitchen (like, crackers smashed EVERYWHERE). i saw it and i said "does mommy know about this?" and he goes "uh huh!" (clearly mistaken when my cousin saw it and flipped out). she gave him a broom and a dustpan and told him it had better be cleaned up by the time she got back. (imagine a tiny 3 year old with an adult sized broom and dustpan. it was almost cinderella-esque except he totally deserved it).

so he's carry the dustpan that's as big as he is, and he comes over and says "eemoh will you help me?" so dang cute i couldn't say no. (yes, eemoh can be a pushover). and then he wanted to sit in my lap while i ate breakfast and cuddle.

i'm going to be sad when i have to move out...i realized this with sammy when she was around 2 or 3 and i'd come down for spring break and such...if you bond with them early, they'll remember you forever. man, i love those kids.

the first demo practice went pretty well - i'm pretty excited to be choreographing again. maybe it's because i secretly wish i could dance (or dance in public) - it's probably all in my mind because it's not like i don't have rhythm. but barring the fact that i would never voluntarily join a dance group (hrmm joy olympics last year was the limit of my willingness to shame myself in public), i love making tkd routines to music. i think it goes back to the swagger thing.

or maybe this is just my favorite song right now and i want an excuse to dance to it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOC86BTOGZo&feature=related

jj said something interesting last night which i agree with. he was talking about work and how it bothers him that it's so busy that he's just churning things out without knowing with the overall purpose is. i saw this in my demo team as they got frustrated/overwhelmed with the complexity (or, what they perceived as complexity) of my routine. (seriously guys - we've partied together. i know you can dance. if you can dance, you can learn choreography.) but as they practiced and got more comfortable with the moves, they were able to get to the point where they could see the different parts come together. and then they thought it was cool.

kind of reminded me of football...all the individual parts don't really make sense (especially the blocking) - but at the end of the day, they make plays work. i miss remnant football a lot when i think about the genius of the playbooks. i remember the first year i played for jooho on defense, i had no idea what i was doing. but looking back it was so brilliant that he devised a system of playcalling such that each person didn't have to know what anyone else was doing - you just did your part and it came together. i guess it comes down to trust in your coach or leader, that even if you don't really understand what's going on, there's a purpose somewhere.

so not that his supervisor is God or anything, but...that's all i really could tell him. it sucks that there isn't time to go over everything and fully understand...but it doesn't mean that your contribution doesn't have purpose. in general i think it's hard to separate how things are, and how things make you feel.

anyways.

surgery was moved from today to tomorrow. i have to say, i was pretty disappointed. i wasn't really sure why (bc i hate the idea of surgery). then jj hit the nail on the head when he said i was emotionally prepping myself for tues, and then suddenly i have to go through all that again for tomorrow. man, i hate needles. and i think i'm just extra apprehensive because...my hand just remembers what it's like to be hurting ALL the freaking time. and the pain it is to walk around with it elevated all the time, living in fear that someone will bump it, or now, just wondering if this whole thing will even amount to anything.

but as i shared with my tlc last week...maybe it's God's way of offering me complete healing. i've been going back to matthew 21:22 a lot these days, ever since jj prayed the prayer "we declare in faith that c's car will not get towed". a silly and seemingly insignificant prayer, but ever since then i've been ruminating over what it really means to pray in faith - to declare in faith. maybe this is another opportunity to hope in God in something that i've given up on. maybe being 90% healed and 10% bitter isn't all He wants for me.

oh me of little faith - the overarching doubt of being 90% forever looms. i'm not exactly at desperation (which i think in some ways makes it easier to have faith) - but the bleeding woman reached out to touch jesus's cloak, and she was healed. the father with the possessed son cried out "help my unbelief!"

i think it also comes back to the source of my doubts. i don't doubt that God CAN. i think i doubt that God WILL. and those are two very different things. like any of the big things that weigh on my heart that i ask for ... i think when i end with beef with God, it's more so because i know He can. And that He doesn't (or hasn't yet).

i can't say i can declare in faith that my hand will be healed. but i think i can start to pray in faith, to ask for it. which i guess is progress.

coming back to this morning...i know the boy loves me. how? i just do. children are just kind of transparent like that.

it's funny...isaac wakes me up in the mornings by opening the door to my room, standing next to my bed, and staring at my face until i open my eyes. he then gives me a big smile, and says "good morning! it's time to get up!" and no matter how tired i am, i can't help but smile and be happy to see him. (even on weekends, when he still feels the need to wake me up early).

i pull him onto my stomach, and we sit and chat until i'm conscious, and then we get up and get dressed and start the day. it's the best part of my day.

i think God does that too, except He gets ignored a lot. and most of us don't consider chatting with Him to be the best part of our day. but what if it was? i think it would make my days much more bearable...