the end of an era

my apt is closing today at 2pm. hard to believe that after almost 5 years, it's time to say goodbye. it was a great starter apartment - small (tiny) but space-efficient...great building with great doormen (i'm going to really miss them), right next to the park where i'd go play football at odd hours of the night...i'm really going to miss that neighborhood.

i've been feeling pretty overwhelmed lately, which is probably why i haven't even had time to collect my thoughts and spew them out here. i see some common themes running through all the things that stress me out these days, which is namely that i need grace and i have no control over receiving it. (a very disliked recurring theme in my life).

to quote FRIENDS: "an era is defined as a significant period of life."

and as i look back on the last 5 years in that apt, it was pretty significant. there were many firsts and lasts in that time period.

taekwondo - i bought that apt with tkd in mind - to be close to the dj so i could walk to and from easily (esp when the dj was originally on 99th/amst). the 2005-2010 period parked the peak of my career, as i spent every possible spare moment (and moments that weren't free, too) at the dj, teaching, training, and developing. i spent every vacation day i had travelling for tournaments, every financial decision was footing the bill. every medical benefit was used...yeah. as i move, i wonder if that era of my life is officially closed...though even if it's not, it's definitely changing.

church - my views of and needs in a church have changed dramatically. that apt encapsulated the remnant era, and i hosted many a small group in that box. that timeframe was marked with much confusion and not quite knowing what i wanted or needed in a church...but navigating through some tough questions nonetheless. with it came my transition to joy in nj, and then eventually to joy manhattan. who would've thought? but in the end...as joyM is settling down and i'm finding my niche, i know that this is where God wants me to be, and the new apt will be the beginnings of hosting many more small groups and events. i think the old apt helped me realize the gift of hospitality, which was somewhat evident in college, and more so now.

career - wow this is a biggie. i didn't realize until i talked to my home insurance guy about changing my contact info that the number they had on file was from 3 jobs ago. it boggles my mind when i think about how crazy i was to move to this city in faith (very uncharacteristic of me) and how God provided this random job for me. granted, it was not the greatest, and certainly paid horribly - but it was a shift in priorities and a time period of living in utter dependence financially. (seriously, i don't know what i was thinking). when i look at the transitions from mp to ca to nypa...it's a pretty interesting progression and process from one dissatisfaction to another until i found the environment that works for my life balance and a boss i can finally respect and who cares about me. (p is my white dad, that guy is awesome).

so all in all - looking back on the passing of this apt indicates that...it is indeed the end of an era. and i think it's hard to let that era go, in many ways. it was an era of discovery and uncertainty - lack of clarity leads to taking risks and trying new things. but in other ways, i'm pretty well aware that i want to move on. get married (yeah God, any day now, thanks), settle into ministry, buy some permanent furniture, transition to other things.

i have no idea what it's going to look like. but i know that i'm never going to have to do coin-operated laundry again. and i'm finally going to have a kitchen. for some odd reason...those things represent stability for me. the old apt was just where i lived. the new apt is going to be home.