max entropy

moving has become long and drawn out, despite the panic last weekend when i thought i had to move out in a week.

i heart teague. and his truck. manual labor with a fellow engineer is downright enjoyable. we managed to fit my couch, mattress, bookshelf, 2 dvd towers, and 2 shelving units (some dismantled, some not) into his truck and haul it up.

the kickers is, after all those big things left my apt, i was left with a huge mess, as i had piles of stuff just...piled on the floor. plus the decision to move the mattress and couch out left me with having to borrow an air mattress/sleeping bag. (i heart graceshih).

the thought of moving and then moving again...and the convergance of all my possessions when i finally have to retrieve them from the ends of the earth that i sent them off to...is a bit overwhelming. but for what a nightmare moving is each time i do it, i'm also really thankful for the friends i have and the people who offer their time and labor so generously. (esp since i hate asking for things). man, when someone offers without being asked...that just makes my day.

we were moving the couch or the mattress...something unwieldy...down the curved stairs to the basement. i laughed and yelled out "PIVOT!!" robb looked at me like i was crazy. apparently he's not a FRIENDS fan...

best weekend in awhile

good weekend.

phantom was awesome - easily one of my top 3 musicals of all time. i wonder why i'd never seen it before... i think my appreciation for musicals derives from the quality of the music. sounds like that would be obvious, but when i think about the shows i've been impressed by, it's been the composers and how the themes intertwine and recur that stick with me. (like les mis). or shows that just redo songs i like (like mamma mia and jersey boys). secondary to that would be shows with cool choreography or sets (lion king, thoroughly modern millie). i like watching people dance. =)

also awesome - ice cream floats. how have i never had these before? probably because i hate root beer. but regardless, j's insistance about the goodness of floats (and the fact that junior's had chocolate soda/coffee ice cream floats) tipped me over. regular floats still sort of violate my mixing-of-things-that-don't-go-together thing.

saturday we drove up to boston and back to do poomsae - and despite subjecting everyone to oodles of chinese food, i was super excited to get dun dun noodles at marychung's AND pork watercress soup at victoria's. and boba at lollicup. i don't know why i don't like chinese food in nyc, but it's the one thing boston has over the city. and there is hope for our sidekicks...that was encouraging.

sunday with the colts and saints...awesome x2. though the colts had me worried there for awhile. but peyton is ever the man. i'm so excited about the superbowl this year...

taht being said, this week is all about the packing and moving. crazy times ahead...

hold on

so nearing the end of the second week of my fasting, jacob said something interesting...he asked me why i didn't enjoy it. well, something along those lines. if fasting was inundating me with (more) God and not being (happily) distracted ... isn't that what i should want?

it hasn't been life-changing, nor do i really know if i'm learning anything. i do pray more than i used to, mostly because i'm reminded by the christian music that i had wanted to pray on my commute. and the lyrics that run through my head are now more hopeful and edifying. but has that made me any more positive and hopeful? i'm not sure.

i had 2 independent discussions yesterday on the topic of dating, marriage, how people think i'm too picky or narrow-minded, etc. and i found myself still rooted in my old ways that i was trying to break. i think i still feel abandoned by God when it comes down to it...a little confused, a little bitter, a lot tired and impatient.

and like the other things where it feels unresolved...

there was a song i came across this morning on my commute. i initially played it a few times just because i liked the chord progressions and it was catchy - but as i listened to the lyrics, i ended up playing it on repeat.

as i listened to myself explain to dori why it's important to filter and screen and not let yourself be subject to the emotions of just falling in love with whoever...i think that's precisely the same logic and perhaps self protective measure i use with God. hope disappoints, so after awhile, you just don't want to hope. or have high hopes.

12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. -Proverbs 13:12

but perhaps that's what it comes down to. holding on.

* * * * * * *

HOLD ON

I keep telling myself hold on it's almost over
But the tears keep rolling down when I'm in bed
In my desperation I keep losing my perspective
And I feel like life is losing me instead

More than anybody I testify to seeing
That Your faithfulness could kill my despair
I kept shouting out I knew You would I didn't doubt
But You saw past all the things that I declared

Hold on You said to me cause I'm never leaving
You know this life's too short so start believing
That I can I can do it and you can oh you can endure
Through whatever comes your way
Hey na na na...

I keep searching for some answers that will satisfy me
Cause it's in this human nature You know
I keep telling You to come on down take me over
I'm admitting that I didn't mean it though

Hold on You said to me cause I'm never changing
You know this life's too short so start believing
That I can I can do it and you can oh you can endure
Through whatever comes your way
Hey na na na...

don't walk by

this weekend's homeless outreach event was amazing. i think i understand now why people say that short-term missions is really just for your benefit. i was so blessed by the experience, and encouraged by the massive effort each year that these organizers put in to making sure that every part of manhattan is covered.

there were a good number who showed up from our tlc, and it was tiring but cool to walk thru our area of midtown looking for homeless people. (the premise was to talk to them, see if they wanted to come back to the church for a meal, try to get them plugged in to rehab or a shelter - essentially to befriend them and see if they wanted to get off the streets).

i pass homeless people every day. and i've grown so conditioned to just walking by them or politely telling them i don't have money for them. and in ny...it's so easy to become jaded and assume that they just want to buy beer or drugs. (i've had homeless people decline when i offer them food instead of cash...and been harassed once when i took a homeless guy out for food). sometimes you wonder whether you can make any difference.

but as the good samaritan passage that inspired the name of the effort - it really opened my eyes that you can't walk by those in need. regardless of whether they take my money to do unproductive things...in the chance that it might do some good, my view changed a bit this weekend.

i had a really good time walking around with ppl in my tlc too...it was great having a hangout that had a purpose. i'm really glad that i'm serving with d&c, and after spending hours talking to jon, he stepped up to be our missions champion. very cool.

sometimes i lose sight on why i do ministry. it's more often a chore than anything else. but seeing someone grow, having the chance to empower them, and going out and serving together - that's the good stuff. reminds me of the first sg i ever led...and how sarah was suddenly desperately in need of help making thanksgiving food packages for the poor. kang sent out an email to the sg, and every single person showed up at ccfc and we decorated the bags and had them ready to go. it was so fun...but it was fun with a purpose. it really warmed my heart to see people willing to give up their time to pitch in.

we decided to try and keep the homeless outreach going (and also to redeem valentine's day) by making blessing bags (apparently there are a lot of little things that homeless people need, like socks) and going out on v-day to hand them out and pray for them. hopefully people will get involved...

big bang, i miss you

am i getting so old that i'm past the stage of going to weddings? so far this year i've got one wedding and one baby shower. this is not a good sign.

the secular music fast is going...well, it's going. i have to say - it's hard. replacing big bang with lincoln brewster was ok for the first few days...but after awhile...i realize that my capacity to think about God is relatively small. like if there was a "God-attention-span" i'd be in elementary school. when it's time for God, then i'm focused, i'm ready. but when it's God all the time - it's like i need recess.

i know, it's a really weird conclusion to come to from fasting secular music, but i guess it's just that: it's like i welcome distractions.

i usually find when i wake up in the morning, there's a song going through my head. usually they range from the glee soundtrack to lilwayne to (usually) korean. i guess what i'm hoping for is that the songs that go through my head will transition to christian songs, so that i'll have edifying lyrics dominating my thoughts. after a couple days of waking up to "love the Lord your God", i woke up this morning to something from the kdrama 'full house'.

man, do i miss kpop. but what was the song about? something like i think i love you, but i miss you (and then all this stuff in korean about whether you're in love or not). even in my subconscious i distract myself with rubbish...

fasting

so pastor danny's sermon last week had a brief call to fast - and over sermon discussion, we decided to fast together for the next month as a tlc. pretty cool idea.

if fasting is defined as giving up a legitimate pleasure for gaining intimacy with God...in other words, choosing God over something else...i was thinking about what i could give up for a month that would be difficult, but realistic enough that i would actually do it.

and so...for the next 4 weeks, i will be fasting secular music. it sounded like a good idea in theory, but as the start date approached, i realized...aw crap. i really LIKE my music. i listen to my ipod probably about 3 hours a day while commuting. not to mention while i'm at work or at home.

but i guess i wanted to try this whole fasting thing. people always say to fast and pray about matters such as career or marriage or whatever else. so that was the thought...i don't entirely see how fasting has much to do with me getting married any faster. but why not. can't knock it till you've tried it. and like the bleeding woman or jairus or the "help my unbelief" guy - it's only in desperation at all other failed attempts that we come before God.

so why music (vs. food). after years of weight-cutting, the whole notion of depriving my body of food doesn't have much of a spiritual feel. it's do-able, and i know i can starve myself on my own willpower. of course, it would be hard, but since i've done it before (healthily or not), i just didn't think it was the best way to fast.

that being said, i want to hear God more clearly, and what goes through my head, but lyrics and beats of songs. as much as it might drive me crazy that "baby are you down, down, down, down, down" repeats incessantly - i still love that song. so i was hoping that by only listening to classical or christian music, i'd have more edifying lyrics streaming through my subconscious - and that it would facilitate my original attempts to pray on my commute, or be more prayerful in general.

all theory.

days 1 and 2 have been ok. i'm already missing my kpop like nobody's business. but thankfully, i realized i have a whole lot of christian music (thanks to bbans's music library transfer a couple yrs ago) that i haven't ever listened to. so i wiped my ipod (lest i be tempted) and made a separate playlist of "new" music to try each day. as i find songs i like, i'll move them over to my regular playlists. so far, lincoln brewster is awesome.

i can't say it's had much of an effect so far, but it's only been a couple days. but i do wonder if it'll make me a more hopeful and optimistic person at the end of this month.

tik tok

i don't know why, but i really like this song. which is even more strange bc it normally drives me bananas when people say "po-po" for police. or when the emphasis is on the wrong syllable of a word (like PO-lice instead of po-LICE) - case in point, UM-brella, which i think is the worst song ever.

anyways.

yesterday's sermon and sermon discussion was really interesting. sometimes pd goes all over the place, but what i think is pretty cool is that the more scattered his sermons seem, the better the punchline at the end. it's kind of like 5.12 (orgo)...didn't make any sense until the final exam, when it all came together.

so the text was jeremiah 32, which is pretty long. (i think he lost some people with that alone). basically the chapter is about how jeremiah's been prophesying all his life about how God is going to bring destruction bc they're disobedient. and on the brink of disaster, God tells him to go and buy this land. ( 6 Jeremiah said, "The word of the LORD came to me: 7 Hanamel son of Shallum your uncle is going to come to you and say, 'Buy my field at Anathoth, because as nearest relative it is your right and duty to buy it.' )

this whole passage rang a bell with me because it finally let me put my finger on something that had been nagging me. i had a lingering doubt when it came to my new apt.

in early 2005, when i bought my current apt, i weighed the pros and cons of renting vs. buying, factoring in the important things in my life at the time (namely, tkd). as my current residence was evicting all tenants to turn it into a hotel, i was left wondering what was most important to me in a living situation. and i decided they were:

1) within walking distance of the dojang, because that's where i would be 6 days/wk
2) doorman, elevator building, because there's no way i was walking up stairs when i was sore and gimpy most of the time

so at the end of the day, i decided to buy, with the plan (henceforth known as the "5 year plan") that i would live here for 5 years. the 5 year plan was a commitment to stay in nyc for 5 years, at which point, i would presumably have accomplished all of my competition goals and be ready to move on. furthermore, the idea was that in 5 years i would be getting married (or on my way), and depending on the financial situation of the guy, i would sell my apt and use that towards buying a "real" apt - or we would buy a new apt and i'd keep this one as an investment property and rent it out.

fast forward to the summer of 2009.

here i was, following a literally crippling year recovering from a knee injury then hand surgeries, dated only one guy and he turned out to be a total douche. stuck in my tiny apt and unable to climb the ladder to the loft bed left me thinking...i'm 28 years old. i'm too old to live in a bunk bed. i need a real kitchen where i can cook. being confined to the apt while delirious on percocet made me realize...i NEED SPACE. and the economy had tanked, making it a bad time to sell but a good time to buy. and since i couldn't do anything that would make me sweat or use my hand - i had absolutely nothing to do.

so i decided to look for a new apt. a few months later, i found my winner. the apt i wanted at a price i could afford, and we were now at the 4.5 year mark of the 5 year plan.

but as i looked at the reams and reams of contracts and other such paperwork...and thought about how to spell out the enormous checks i would have to write for down payments...there was a nagging feeling i couldn't place. and now i know what it was.

there are more christian women out there than men. in nyc, the ratio of eligibles is even more skewed, as people who would otherwise be eligible are workaholics, and this city generally promotes pushing back settling down later and later. or just being a heathen.

sometimes i entertain thoughts that it'd be more productive to pick up and move to a different part of the country and inject myself into new communities. if the problem is meeting people, then clearly sticking around unsuccessful venues is not likely to succeed.

i love my communities here, and i'm well established in them - but maybe that's not productive.

so when i thought about signing the contracts...i realized...this was making a commitment. a commitment to stay in this city where it's cold, people are mean, it's difficult to meet marriage material, the price per square foot is ridiculous...where i don't know what direction my tkd career will take me next, and all of my best friends have long since moved on...

and yet we've planted this new church, and this is the first church in my life that i've voluntarily become a member of and felt good about...i have a job that isn't exactly what i thought i'd be doing, but it's not half bad and way flexible...i have extended family in the area and i love being able to see my nieces and nephew grow up...my tutoring is successful and my kids are doing well...

so i signed the masses of papers, wrote the insane checks, sold my current place, and started making arrangements to shift into the next stage of life.

yes, the husband was taking too long, so i went ahead with the house. i guess he can move in if he comes along. but at the end of the day, the passage gave a bit of hope that despite making an investment and commitment into something that seems to unlikely to be fruitful...that God says destruction is coming, but i'm already preparing you for restoration. (emphasis pd)

17 "Ah, Sovereign LORD, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.

it's definitely too hard for me. as the one thing in my life that effort or talent or initiative has had no bearing, i waver between frustration and throwing my hands up. but God was never a God of probabilities.

26 Then the word of the LORD came to Jeremiah: 27 "I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?

sometimes OT suprises you by being relevant. my new apt is projected to finish may 1. which inevitably means it'll be done in the summer. if i get to move in in august, it'll have been 5 years exactly since the closing of my first apt.

God's brought me a long way since august 2005. i didn't accomplish or receive any of the things i expected or wanted. and i'd by lying if i said i wasn't disappointed, because i am - quite sorely so. but with each apt was a choice to deplete my savings and live in dependence that this investment wouldn't tank.

tick tock, goes the clock.

year in review

inspired by lakim, 2009 year-in-review:

on work:
-very thankful for my genius boss. being able to respect your boss is more impt than i thought.
-i never thought i'd actually use the so many of the things i studied in school...but it makes so much more sense now than it did then.
-i get to see some interesting parts of the world thru work - though biz trips have spoiled me with business class

on medical:

-worst year for injuries to date. knee kicked out in april, hand kicked in in june.
-percocet and i don't quite agree...
-showering with a cast is one of the most cumbersome experiences in the world
-insurance companies are big fat pains in the butt
-very thankful for my medical staff, near and far

on dating:

-screening is important - and eharmony DOESN'T work for everyone
-never settle
-my parents have some crazy expectations
-according to ML: "all guys are dogs"

on entertainment:

-japanese gameshow, 꽃보다 남자, how i met your mother, and glee rock my world. but...
-friends is still the best show ever.
-i saw more movies this year than in any previous year. i think. up (awesome), harry potter 6 (awesome), the proposal (awesome), g.i. joe (horrible), cloudy with a chance of meatballs (so-so), up in the air (so-so), avatar (so-so)

on football:

-peyton is still my man. i hope they win.
-being benched for injury was about as bad as getting my hand kicked in
-after a poor showing in the qualifying tournament, we ended up pulling it together to win the whole she-bang in the championships. momentous.

on electronics:

-switched to the mac. haven't looked back.
-phone insurance is a must
-the new ipod nano is awesome. highly recommend it.

on church:

-joymanhattan - sundays at 4.30pm @ 35th/6th
-became a member by my own choosing - it was quite liberating
-sometimes God throws you a bone when you ask for one

on moving:

-i need to learn how to throw things away
-my box-labelling-inventory system was mocked...but the mockers will appreciate it when it's time to help me unpack...
-you have to see a lot of apts to be sure of your choice...even if the one you wanted was the first one you saw.
-bathrooms are my ultimate dealbreakers in selecting a home

on black friday:
-always go in groups and stick someone in the pay line when you walk in
-go early
-always have a portable battery jumper in the trunk

on languages:

-apparently, i now tutor spanish and latin. i've never studied those languages in my life. lo siento.
-finnish is really complicated...but the numbers sound really cool.
-i still can't wrap my mind around programming.

on teaching:

-the kid who was failing algebra ends up not needing me for calculus 4 years later, and gets in early to yale. my work here is done.
-boys and girls...really are different
-survived helicopter-parent-management-101 - considering charging a consulting fee for this extra service

resolutions

new year's resolutions:

1) return to the state of fitness i was in before i broke my hand (aka "return of the claw")

2) apply for (and if ambitious, take) my PE licensing exam

3) keep all of my electronic devices. in recent history, i've managed to lose or have stolen: 2 phones, 1 camera, 1 ipod, 1 blackberry. very bad track record.

4) finish my movie

5) substantially outline/write draft of my book

6) learn how to put on my own makeup

honestly, what is the one thing i could do this year that would make me feel like i accomplished something? get married, or make significant progress in that direction.

i know i think it every year. but i think i never really state it in a list of resolutions because it's not something i know i can accomplish (in fact, the data shows that it'd be far better to bet against it). it's this really weird reaction in me that knows i get disappointed easily (and can't stand failure), so i try to lessen the blow of disappointment by trying not to let myself hope for things that aren't likely to happen.

but if everything was feasible, where would there be room for God to work?

for all the flack i get for being "too picky" or "elitist" or whatever else...sometimes i wonder... just because it may be the odds of a needle in a haystack...doesn't mean that God can't pull through.

so here we go, God. you don't get what you don't ask for - fine. this year, i'm putting it out there. it's not a resolution because it really has nothing to do with me and my efforts. i guess it's more of my new year's request. and being willing to state it with the risk of being disappointed...well...sometimes that's a lot harder than listing things that you just need to make an effort to do.