all or nothing

i remember maybe 10 years ago, being utterly outraged by anything that i perceived to be injustice.  or just ... "not right".  (to be fair, i'm talking on a day to day basis, not necessarily the gross injustices of the world).  like someone cutting in line, or a lack of an apology, etc.  perhaps injustice isn't the right word ... maybe it's rudeness.  most of these things were relational - not necessarily involving me, sometimes observed ... but these occurences would just grate on me.

and when i looked to those older and wiser, they would be so much more mature.  able to control their anger or temper, or take things in stride ... to "let things go" and be above pettiness ...

well, now that i'm older, i've realized ... yes, life experience does help, and you do get more perspective and have more self-control as you get older.  but what's the secret, really?

you get TIRED.

i've found that i've gained (not completely, but occasionally) the ability to "let things go".  it's almost like removing yourself from the situation and actively saying "well, i'm going to choose for this not to matter so much to me".  and being about to believe it.

i think that's the most noteworthy skill i've gained in my 30's.  but when i'm really honest with myself, it's really a self-preservation act of practicality.  yes, it bothers me that people don't show up on time ... but is it really worth my effort to try and make that better?  (ie. are certain people just hopeless and not worth the effort?)

i think i had a lot more energy for crusading in my 20's.  and to be fair, i got a lot done.  it's amazing what mountains you can move with a lot of stubbornness and willpower.  but now ... it's not like i don't feel i can move them anymore.  i just don't want to.  (ideally, i could delegate that and have someone else move them for me!)

i think that's why i've exited the dojang lately - that and my busted hip prohibits me from working out the way i'd like to ... it's tough to see the ways i'd like to see improvements, but i'm also seriously doubting the ability for improvement from the current crop.  not just in skill, but the general attitude.  10 years ago i would have demanded it, enforced it, and created a movement.  now...it's just easier to stay home.  (the irony is in this situation that they ask for me to come back and teach ... but sorry guys, you can't have it both ways.  you can't make me come and teach you and then show up late or not at all.)

anyhow ... perhaps i haven't really changed that much at the core.  i think my personality is still "all or nothing".  perhaps over time, i'm shifting away from the "all" and letting it be ok to choose the "nothing"

algorithms

i fell asleep on the couch last night, and when i woke up, decided to go to bed.  i found alan asleep, sitting up with his computer, and the lights were on.  so i turned off the lights, moved the computer, and decided not to bother him.

and then about 3 minutes later i realized that he didn't have his cpap on, and if i didn't make him put it on, he would end up snoring all night.  so i nudged him, "hey ... cpap".  he rolls over, groggily finds the mask and starts to put it on.  i figured he'd gotten it working and was about to fall asleep when i realized i didn't hear the machine going. 

apparently he was so tired, he started putting the mask on and didn't quite get it to his nose.  so i nudged him again, "hey ... your cpap isn't on".

his response?

"i can't figure out the algorithm ..."

HAHAHA.

i checked in the morning ... apparently he'd been thinking about this one problem when he was going to bed that he couldn't figure out.  haha...

trials

@ sermon discussion on trials and why God lets trials happen:

me:  "the biggest disservice a parent can do to a child is making life too easy.  you can't hover around trying to catch them every time they might fall.  people just need to fall down so they can learn to get back up."

group:    hrrmmm.... // me:  "i'm probably going to push my kid down (in a padded environment) so he figures out how to pick himself up sooner than later"  

group:    "you mean you're going to shove your own kid?"  

alan:  "haha she does it all the time in taekwondo.  you fall over unless you have a good front stance."

group:  "you shove other people's kids??"

me:  "just the ones that are related to me ... and the ones i really care about.  it's ok, they tend to thank me for it later"  

i think i scared my small group and they probably think i should never have children.  haha.

it's OK, God ... i get you.  i don't like it, but i get it.

motivator

quiet time lately has been on genesis, which is kind of interesting.  granted, i've read genesis before, because it's pretty famous and the first book of anyone's plan to read the whole bible (before said plan usually fails ... somewhere around numbers or deuteronomy).  but with the church's reading plan, and the fact that our super-champ lisa sends out the qt every morning with the daily prayer, it makes it pretty tough to ignore.

add to that that i married a super holy man who gets in these moods of discipline and sets the alarm for 7:40am every morning and proceeds to ask me what i think about it.  (um, i think we could stand to do qt a little later in the day). 

that being said, it's been an interesting domino effect of accountability.  so young's new year's resolution was to spend 30 min a day with God.  he shared that with our tlc, which led alan to propose that to him that they do accountability and discuss the qt each day.  that was all well and good, but led to alan wanting to discuss it with me.  which meant that i had to do it.  (which i should, just saying this is where accountability goes).  so then it was going so well with young that alan decided to open it up to the rest of the boys.  so i think they have some emails going each day (which i hear are basically between alan and young ... though i bet sam reads all the emails even if he doesn't respond).  so that got me thinking, i should probably do this with the girls.

so i emailed all of the girls asking if they wanted to do qt accountability and discussion - but under the pretense that they would have to actively participate.  (bc otherwise i'm just sending out emails every day about my thoughts and people are probably deleting them). 

crickets.

i got one response.  and of course, a whole lot of maybe's.  (and we all know i can't stand maybe's).  so i let that go for a week, presuming that some people need to marinate before they make decisions.  (i don't understand this either, but sgl-ing is re-teaching me that i can't make people operate the way that i think they should, teehee).  finally i just laid down the ultimatem of in or out, and voila, people hopped on board. 

score one for being a teensy bit more patient.  (outside of but pressed right up against the box).

that being said, i had a hilarious conversation with p last night at his lesson.  i'm going to start tutoring him next week, because his mom thought that i would be the best person to motivate him.  this may well be true, but not quite the way i expected.

p:  when you come to tutor me, will you bring that yellow stick that you use to whack me with in taekwondo?

me:  uh ... sure.  why?

p:  well, i think fear is a good motivator

me:    haha you know, i don't actually whack you with it all that much.  usually i'm just waving it around and then you fix things

p:  i know.  i just think i'm mostly motivated by fear and it's good for me.

HAHA. 

this reminds me of how in grad school nancy used to say that she could hear my voice inside her head every time she did the cornell hoojin (which i worked so tirelessly to get out of her system) so that even if i wasn't there she would hear "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" 

or maeve used to say that she'd hear me clear my throat every time she didn't show her work, even at school during tests.

my poor future children.  they're so clearly going to like alan more than they like me.  but hopefully they'll show their work, not be lazy, and never do a stupid hoojin.
 

vanity cards

while watching bigbangtheory, alan would often try to pause at the end of the show when the screen would flash a bunch of text, numbered something.  i thought he was weird until we did manage to pause it and read ... and realized that chucklorre is pretty funny.

http://www.chucklorre.com/index-bbt.php

well lo and behold, they're called "vanity cards" and they're archived on his site.  for all of my 2 readers out there ... you're welcome.

i had private lessons with m + p yesterday - it's kind of wild to think that they're 14 already.  i've been coaching them for half their lives ... though they're not all that different as teenagers as they were as 7 year olds.  except they're amazons.  p has already surpassed 6 ft and m is probably sitting pretty at 5'10". 

twins always fascinate me - and while these two are obviously fraternal since they're boy-girl, they're just so different (and yet so much alike).  i've long since learned that i can't teach them together (they end up bickering and nagging each other and it's unproductive) - and now that they're older we work on very different things.  but i realized, when you watch these kids grow up (literally up), you really do bond with them.

a side note on growing up - since they're freaking giants now, the running joke is something like this:

darlin:  HAHAHA.  you're looking up at patrick now.

me:  yeah, that's weird.  p, fix this situation

p:  is that better?

me:  much

these kids crack me up, because honestly they're athletic and strong and young and could probably out-do me in anything we tried.  but for whatever reason i think they still remember me as that giant who was always yelling at them to do something faster or better ... or making them cry.  (though i'm reassured that they appreciated it, thank goodness).  but to me they're still those little 7 year old monkeys who wouldn't stop talking or smiling (they still don't). 

yesterday i was thinking about how to fix m's sidekick balance, and she said "that's six!"  and i asked her what she was talking about.

apparently i have five (well perhaps now six) "thinking faces".  she can imitate them (including the accompanying hand motions) - which is kind of creepy but kind of endearing.

of course her last observation was "well they all end in torture, it's just a matter of what kind". 

the funniest moment of p's lesson was when i was stretching him, and i said what i always say when he's fighting me:  "be jesus!"  (meaning put your arms out to the sides spread eagle).  at a certain point he can't take it anymore and he says "but i'm not jesus!  i'm st. patrick!"

jan was watching all of this, and like the good filipino catholic that he is, responds with "and what do people do on st. patrick's day?  drink and get in trouble!  so that's why you should be jesus instead of st. patrick!"

haha these guys just crack me up ...

random interview

i was walking today at lunchtime, to go to the bank and run some errands, and as i'm walking down the street, i see this guy with a video camera, and another guy with a mic.  it was kind of weird because they weren't a "real" flim crew, but looked sort of like some guys doing a project or something. 

lo and behold, as i walked by, the guy with the mic asks me if i have a minute to answer a question.  and i'm thinking ... sure ... depending on the question.  so basically this is how it goes (all while being filmed):

guy: "so can you think of anyone you have a relationship with who you'd like to say you're sorry for something to?"

me:  "uhh...sure.  well, i guess i should always be sorry for something on a daily basis to my husband"

guy:  "and what would you apologize to him for today?"

me:  "uhh ... well i guess i could have more patience generally"

guy:  "is there anything specific that you'd like to say sorry for?"

me:  "uhh ... i guess i could apologize for yelling at him this morning for his tendency to set the alarm really early and then not get up and turn it off"

guy:  "does your husband appreciate when you apologize for things?"

me:  "uh, i think people generally appreciate apologies"

guy:  "well thanks for sharing with us today, have a great day"

me:  "ok thanks, bye"

so maybe that was God's way of telling me to apologize to alan for yelling at him this morning (ok but seriously - setting the alarm for 7:30am every day and then letting it beep and not actually getting up is really annoying - especially since i'm the one who can't fall back asleep once woken up). 

haha though sadly the end result of this weird interview thing is it just reminded me of how annoyed i am that i didn't get a good night's sleep and i'm really tired today.  sad.