magic beans

Monica: You should feel great about yourself! You're doing this amazing independence thing!

Rachel: Monica, what is so amazing? I gave up, like, everything. And for what?

Phoebe: You are just like Jack.

Rachel: ...Jack from downstairs?

Phoebe: No, Jack and the Beanstalk.

Monica: Ah, the other Jack.

Phoebe: Yeah, right! See, he gave up something, but then he got those magic beans. And then he woke up, and there was this, this big plant outside his window, full of possibilities and stuff.. And he lived in a village, and you live in the Village..

Rachel: Okay, but Pheebs, Pheebs, Jack gave up a cow, I gave up an orthodontist. Okay, I-I-I know, I know I didn't love him-

Phoebe: Oh, see, Jack did love the cow.

Rachel: But see, it was a plan. Y'know, it was clear. It was figured out, and now everything's just kinda like...

Phoebe: Floopy?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: So what, you're not the only one. I mean, half the time we don't know where we're going. You've just gotta figure at some point it's all gonna come together, and it's just gonna be... un-floopy.

Phoebe: Oh, like that's a word.

Rachel: Okay, but Monica, what if- what if it doesn't come together?

Monica: ...Pheebs?

Phoebe: Oh, well... 'cause.... you just... I don't like this question.

Rachel: Okay, see, see, you guys, what if we don't get magic beans? I mean, what if all we've got are.. beans?

* * * * * * * * *

Maybe if you have regular beans - there's no amount of effort you can make to make them magical. Sometimes...beans are just beans.

i kicked the ceiling in my sleep last night. with my left leg, no less.

still on your side

through this training process, i was reminded once again that there are certain traits that i truly value in people. among them, loyalty, sincerity...but most of all - dependability. integrity. i think the single most characteristic that i appreciate (and the single most one that peeves me to no end when it's lacking) is knowing that you can count on someone.

perhaps it's because i've learned over and over again that people will inevitably let you down. or not even have been around in the first place to have let you down. i get so pleasantly surprised when the reverse happens.

mikey was stretching me out today after class and laura was on her way out.

laura: "see you guys saturday?"

mikey: (looks at me) "am i coming on saturday?"

me: "yep"

mikey: (to laura) "then i'll see you saturday"

it's funny, 6 years later, 3000 miles from where we first trained together - some teammates never change. and for that i'm thankful.

first violins, you are faking at 220, no?

goal #1 for this year: to pick up the violin again.

(and yes i realize that we're already 1/3 of the way through the year so it's probably no time to be making resolutions)

i was at my cousin's place a few times in the last couple months and my niece was learning the bach double (one of my favorite pieces of all time). in an effort to get sam motivated to practice, i offered to play the first violin part with her.

it's funny, after all these years, i think i can still play most of that piece from memory. can't say i played it well, but i had a blast playing with sammy. it was therapeutic and frustrating all at the same time. (my favorite kind of feeling).

over the summer i'm going to play a duet with derek. (so it has been mandated by mrs. sab, but we're both game). it's about time i started playing again and my poor violin has been so neglected all these years. secretly, i would love to play in a chamber group or an orchestra again at some point in my life. i just don't know where the heck i would squeeze it in when i barely have time to breathe these days.

i remember that moment after sophomore year when i had to decide between taekwondo and symphony - when i knew that giving up the violin meant that i would never be this good ever again in my life.

mitso made me practice so hard, and though it was humbling to have been admitted on a second audition - and admitted conditionally at that - i'm forever grateful to dante for taking a chance on me.

and we all learned a wide range of italian curses that year. =)

heart attack

Sab is so mean. Seriously - don't people understand that I have NO sense of humor this close to gameday???

So last night I received some notice about the tournament schedule, and I fwded it to him. And on a whim, I thought I'd check to make sure he had registered to coach. Seems pretty obvious, he's bought his plane tickets, booked his hotel room, so it's not like there's a question of whether he's going or not.

Back in the day before online registration, I used to take care of all his coaching registration. (As per the secretary's job description). But with the advent of online reg - he had to start doing it himself since it's password protected, etc.

So we proceed to have this email exchange last night where it turns out that both of us had thought the other would register him - and the deadline had now passed. I had a mini-heart attack, but asked him to take care of it.

> > > > > > > >

M said it's too late. It would be unfair to the other coaches who complied with the deadline. I may have to take it to the US Supreme Court. Nongdam. Da haegyul daessuh.

(NOTE: "nongdam" means "joking". "da haegyul daessuh" means "everything is taken care of".)

> > > > > > > >

YOU'RE SO MEAN!!!!!!!

i misread nongdam as ssangnom. i don't know why - i must just be used to you cursing in korean.

you know i have no sense of humor this close to the tournament!!!

(NOTE: "ssangnom" means "bastard")

> > > > > > > >

Bwahhahahahahahahah!!! That was so much fun!!!

> > > > > > > >

SERIOUSLY???

My chest actually hurts.

hope

the email i sent my prayer supporters...what an epiphany. on easter weekend no less.

i made some definite decisions this weekend. one of which was a deal with God that if i win - i will write a testimony and submit it to pastor danny for a sunday testimony. it sounds like i'm trying to bribe God to give me the victory - but it's more of a promise that in the happiness if i win, that i will remember who the glory goes to, and turn this into a public testimony of the happy ending (or beginning) to my journey.

* * * * *
Thank you for your prayers - my achilles has been a bit more cooperative this week! It's still bothering me, but it was much more manageable.

As I sit here with ice packs strapped to my legs, I realize I am so lucky, and that I have incredible opportunities to be thankful for. The Danish National Team coach came on Saturday and ran a practice for us. (Coincidentally, the World Championships this year will be in Denmark). It was a really valuable time of learning, and I can only hope I soaked it all in. He was also a great source of encouragement to me and built my confidence for this upcoming Team Trials - it was really inspiring to hear all his feedback (pos and neg), but in general to have someone so technical and has seen the world think that I belong with the top fighters - what a morale boost!

In many ways, I feel that God has been really gracious to me in this preparation in providing what I need when I need it. From training partners, prayer partners and your words of encouragement, and now even the Danish coach injecting some hope at just the time I needed inspiration - it feels so different this time especially compared to 2007, when my coaches were occupied, I had no physical place to train so I'd be kicking in the park, and my training partners were my two "little brothers" who had less experience than I did.

Yesterday as I parted with Coach J, he said to me "I will see you in Denmark - on the competition floor" And as I shook his hand, I said "I hope so, sir". He looked at me and says "No. You know so."

This exchange brought me back once again to Romans 5, where suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope - and the notion that hope isn't something we wish for, but something we have confidence in because we know it to be true.

As I look back on my long journey of trying to make national Team and falling short every time - I see that all the heartache and "suffering" produced a dogged perseverance each year as I thought of retiring and giving up on my dream. And each year I chose to continue, God addressed so many of my insecurities and fears in the arena of failure and identity - to bring me to a point where I see hope more clearly.

When I used to hope I'd win, it'd be more of the wishful hope - the "gosh, it would be so great if I could" or "I hope the preparation was enough". But this time more than before, the hope I am gaining is the confidence in finally understanding my abilities, and believing when people say that my game is strong and that I have everything it takes to be on the national team, to be a world champion. And of course, confidence in a God who can overcome death and consequently help me overcome fear, nervousness, injuries, circumstances, and doubt.

Normally I would withhold this kind of sharing until after I won - because I wouldn't want to say I was going to win or get anyone's expectations up for fear of disappointing or the shame of coming back having professed to have been something I'm not. But I see more and more that I have to say out loud that which I want so badly inside - that whether I win or lose doesn't impress God any more or less, and that He knows the desires of my heart whether I voice them or not. And that voicing them out loud is critical for me to grow because that in itself is another risk.

So for this tournament, I want to put my whole heart out there, from this point forward - to say out loud that I want to win, that I know I can win, and that I WILL win. Not just for the win itself, but for what it means to me to actually say it.

More than anything else, I would like April 24th to give God my very best with everything He's given me - to be able to walk away from that day knowing that I was fully prepared and that I withheld nothing.

Please pray for:
-fatigue - my legs and my body are having trouble flushing out the lactic acid. In the last week and half of tapering, please pray that I will recover and peak at the right time.
-injuries - achilles, fingers (i still think one might be broken, at least a hairline) and protection from any further injuries
-confidence in the hope that never fails, and in myself as a child of God
-continuing to build mental strength and stay focused up to tournament day

Happy Easter everyone! =)

the roof is on fire

there was a fire in my bldg tonight.

for all the annoying fire drills that happen at work (seriously - having a cube right next to the light that flashes you blind is no good) - and even the EXTREMELY annoying fire drill that happened at the gym, in the winter, WHILE I WAS SWIMMING (and consequently forced to grab my stuff and shiver dripping in my swimsuit) - it turns out that my apt bldg apparently doesn't have a building-wide fire alarm or evacuation system. or if it does - not everyone knows about it and it wasn't used tonight.

so i heard all this thumping outside my door for awhile, but didn't really pay attention because i live near the garbage closet and it's not uncommon for people to throw their trash away at all hours of the day. (but then i thought it was kind of odd that EVERYONE was throwing their trash out at once). then after awhile it didn't go away so i got out of bed and opened my door - and smelled smoke.

so at this point i thought maybe it was a cooking thing (smoke wasn't that bad) and didn't think too much of it - but then i realized i had heard a bunch of sirens (eh, sirens in nyc aren't uncommon), and now there were more. i opened my window and there were flashing lights everywhere - and started looking for my jacket and some warm clothes.

i threw some stuff in a bag and headed out the door and down the stairs. i met a lady a couple floors down, and she was hopping mad about not having been notified, and from the 4th floor onwards, it was sopping wet. when we got to the lobby, we were met with firemen and disgruntled residents.

at the end of the day - it appears the fire was on the 4th floor and was put out. cause is unknown, and as we went back up, i felt sorry for the person who got off on the 5th floor because it smelled TERRIBLE.

so this leads me to that sg icebreaker question - if your house was on fire, what would you grab on your way out?

it's funny because what you think you would take in a premeditated question (presumably indicative of what is most valuable to you) doesn't necessarily translate to what you would take in the moment of panic. i had always said i'd take photo albums

you know what? photo albums are bulky and i have a freaking lot of them. and in the age of digital - i can always print another one. (someone else currently is working on my backup hard drive, so i guess that's why i didn't worry too much about my sentimental or vital files).

so in the end, i was surprisingly practical. wallet, cash, glasses, watch, phone, blackberry, camera, camcorder. i guess the last 2 indicate how much this tournament has overtaken my life - i actually had the thought of "i haven't transferred the latest scouting footage of my opponents yet and need to study them". plus the fact that the camera was given to me by my small group last year (and later replaced after a dropping incident). no jewelry (not that i have much anyways)...well besides my new nike watch...which surprisingly, i grabbed instead of my real watch.

ooh...they're going to hear about this at the next shareholder's meeting...what if it had been a real fire that couldn't be contained? crazy...

anything you can do...

someone said the other day at lunch (rather emphatically, i might add) that the downfall of their softball team last year was that they had too many girls. and that no girl will ever be able to sprint faster than any guy.

i took some offense to that statement.

i think the way the rules work is that you have to have a minimum of 2 girls on the team, and any run scored by a girl is worth 2 points.

i'm willing to concede that in general, a guy will be better than a girl at sports. i'm no feminazi by any stretch the imagination, but we're built differently, with far less muscle and far more fat. and the pride factor is a pretty big edge. guys will generally hit farther, throw better, run faster - and be more determined not to lose.

however, i think there's a very big difference between an athletic girl and an unathletic girl. (and let's just admit that the majority of the pool we have to work with are probably in the category of unathletic - to varying degrees.) while softball may be a game that doesn't require a huge amount of skill or fitness (let's face it - you spend most of your time sitting on the bench waiting to bat or standing in the field waiting for someone to hit something to you) - it's definitely true that an unathletic girl will just be a placeholder on your team while an unathletic guy has a higher chance at being useful. but is it fair to say that all guys are better than all girls?

i will concede that i can't run faster than any guy in shape. or any guy who's not necessarily athletic, but isn't overweight. but i would venture to say that between me, theresa, and heesun - there has to be more than one guy at church that we could outsprint.

that being said - i'm really looking forward to softball season and excited that our church has a league. and right after softball - football starts up again! in general i'm pretty excited about the sports ministry and when jay asked me to join, it was the one time in ministry ever that i didn't have to think about it. (or make a chart about it).

along those lines, i'm still on the fence/avoiding thinking about sgling next year.

* * * * * *

"hi cpk, your emails keep going to my spam, i wonder why, maybe cause koreans like spam?" -sammy

progress

"dude...not my fault you got better. I just wrote the workouts, you're the dumbass who did them" -laura

this particular team trials, i decided to channel my analytical tendencies so that they would help and not hurt me. someone once told me that nervousness was actually a good thing - that a champion knows how to channel anxiety and fuel motivation at the right times, whereas the average person lets the nervousness hinder their performance. and so i learned to embrace nervousness as a natural part of competition - and more so - a natural part of who i am.

i realized - so what if i'm a perfectionist? and yes, i have a huge fear of failure. those aren't qualities that go away just because you wish them to go away - and those are qualities that make me who i am. so why not embrace it, and figure out how to channel these characteristics for the positive?

so as an experiment (or perhaps another trial-and-error iteration in the now 9th year of this process) - i decided this time i would do things differently. i would:

-start training 12 weeks out (which became 8 weeks out, after my death illness) instead of 4 weeks out.
-do all the tape analysis beforehand and lay out incremental strategies and techniques to focus on each week, as well as teaching certain training partners to emulate key opponents.
-strategically place local tournaments and cross training trips to get ringtime against different people
-set up a cardio crosstraining plan outside of the dojang
-attempt an actual periodization schedule with a very specific rampup, peak, and taper
-enlist the help of any and all who were willing to be there for me

i short - i made a conscious decision to do all my analyzing BEFOREHAND - so that on gameday, i would hopefully be physically and mentally peaking, and without need to think.

now who knows if i got it right - but we took our best guess and there are moments when i sit back and think...maybe it's working.

this swimming thing came out of nowhere - it just so happened that the nsyc near my work is freaking huge and awesome and has an indoor pool. it also just so happened that laura turned out to have been a competitive swimmer all her life, with actual scientific coaching, and experience with periodization.

and it just so happened that my achilles decided to succumb to what i call Ridiculous Worst Tendonitis Ever, thereby killing my original cardio plan to run and lift every day. as it was, it was pretty hard to do tkd every day - not so much bc it hurt but more because of the fear that it would just pop and i'd be done for.

so i asked laura to come up with a swimming plan for me, and thus she produced "christina's roadmap to cardiovascular invincibility and vo2 dominance". she started with maybe 6 swim workouts in a progress to help me improve my technique, expand my lung capacity, strengthen my legs and arms - and generally just freaking tire me out.

7 weeks later, I'm pooped. But what's funny is - with the worst behind me where I swam almost a mile every day last week - I'm feeling pretty good about myself. There's something about having something new to learn, and measurable progress, that gives me a little high to keep on going.

Looking back - I started out swimming 900 yard workouts where getting across the pool (25) at a steady pace was challenging, doing a 50 was difficult, and 100 was impossible. I couldn't breathe on my left side, flip turns were out of the question, and my sprint speeds were inconsistent and vary degrees of flailing and gasping for air.

But week by week it got a little better - the yardage of each workout increased, the drills got harder, I was put on real intervals instead of rest intervals...and because it was all so gradual, I didn't really notice progress until last week. I realized that I had averaged out at 1450 swims, could do cardio up to 800's on intervals, and shaved a couple seconds off my sprint times. Granted, I felt like poop while doing it - but when I really think about it, the improvement is pretty exhilirating.

I think it's been a long time since I learned something new. I envy the color belts sometimes because as much as they flail and are uncoordinated - there are so many tangible milestones by which to measure progress. It's been a long time since I've been able to measure my progress by any standard that made sense. Like you could really tell whether my badachagi got any better between now and 3 years ago, let alone 6 weeks ago.

As we enter into the taper phase, I hope that it all translates. That all this stamina trying to freaking motor myself from point A to point B while holding my breath will make it easier to control my lungs in the stop and go of a match. That the mental barriers of having to do sprint after sprint after sprint will make it easier to kick in exchange after exchange after exchange. And that in the end, the technique will come together so that it becomes just as mindless - when the clock says go, I just stop thinking...and just go.

I feel pretty lucky this time around to have had the people I have around me, to make these plans for me, to study footage and make strategies, to be my nemeses, and most of all to be coming with me. it still blows my mind that after years and years of almost always being just me and sab - that we have 4 more people coming this time around, just to cheer. or as dorian said: "i gonna bring a big banner that says GOCHRISTINA!!! or no...i come with a hogu that says CRUSHDALIA"

i'm exhausted. i eat to have energy to train, i work because i have to, i tutor to distract myself between training, and then i train. when i'm not training i'm thinking about the last time i trained, or visualizing fighting the matches in 2 weeks. i eat like the world is coming to an end and i've lost weight. the other day i slept for 17 hours.

but somehow it feels good, because there's progress. i'm better today than i was yesterday. the question just remains, how good will i be on the day that counts?

can't we all just get along?

so after the bombings of a few weeks ago had settled (ie. after i had conveniently taken a couple weeks off of church and sg) i made my way back last week. (as per my other post). however, i was pretty darn apprehensive and not looking forward to interacting with a certain someone, lest he get angry at me for more undefined reasons and go on a rampage again. just in general, i felt like life had just been so much easier when we didn't cross paths. the beauty of the gmail blocking feature is incomprehensible.

after some discussions with my other sgls and other people - the question in my mind is still this: can't we all just get along? are there are just some people you cannot get along with, no matter how much effort you make? doesn't God ask us to reconcile and to live in unity and harmony with one another? (though this particular situation is complicated by the fact that one party has not yet accepted Jesus and grace, so playing the ultimate Jesus card and hoping to fall back on that and work forwards is null).

tlc is only going to last for 2 more months. well, tlc plus the summer softball league which it looks like our tlc will join. so i guess effectively until august. but it's really somewhat of a shame because i love the rest of my tlc, and i don't want to see it end. at the same time...it just really WAS easier to not be in the presence of potential volatility.

still trying to figure out what i think about that...

* * * * * * *

on a side note, after practice on sunday, i took my boys to the park because it was just a gorgeous day. i still subscribe to my theory that boys are like puppies. for the most part, they seem to be perfectly content, if not excited, to run after a ball you've thrown, catch it, and bring it back to you.

back at rwc - i remember when some guys would come and run routes for me so i could work on throwing. danchoe looked like he was having the time of his life.

last fall for one joy fb weds prac there weren't enough girls so the coaches scrimmaged against us - and we were blown away that coach james could run (or smile for an extended period of time).

watching lenn and scott race against eachother was pretty darn amusing. and it felt good to run outside by the river and soak up some sun before it rained again.

it's freaking april - "feels like 39" is just not acceptable.

huh

i was going to my friend's recital and i had bought some flowers. i was waiting at the subway and some guy comes up to me and says "those are really pretty flowers, someone special must have given them to you". (my first thought was he was going to snatch my flowers and run off with them). so i said they were for a friend, and get a good grip on them. but then he starts talking...

"what do you do?"
"i'm an engineer...(awkward silence and he wasn't going away so i felt obligated to talk)...how about you?"
"i'm an actor, on and off"

(where is this train??)

"where did you go to school?"
"uh, MIT...and you?"
"oh wow. (somewhere in pa) for 2 years, but i didn't finish..."

(train comes and cuts him off...but then i realize he's still talking...)

"when did you graduate?"
"2002"
"oh, you don't look that old...i'm 23"

(i kinda wish he had just run off with my flowers...)

and then he pulls out his phone and says something about coffee and i realized he wanted my number or something. now i'm just trying to scramble for a good excuse - never thought i'd have to have one of those up my sleeve.

is this what happens when i stop wearing sneakers?

sometimes you want to go...

it's kind of nice to have been missed. of course, the narcissistic side of us likes to think that we matter to people and that our presence is so significant that our absence has to be noticed. but after a few weeks off of church, it was pleasantly surprising to hop in the van and see faces i didn't realize i'd missed.

peter: "i feel like i haven't seen you in a long time!" (um, that's because you haven't.)

alicia: "where have you been???" (um, why are you smacking my arm? it's quite bruised.)

and when i walked into service

coach steve (with his program covering the lower half of his face): "hey! where have YOU been?" (um, remove the program and let me see how bad the scruff is).

as a side note - i find it pretty amusing that my overwhelming distaste for facial hair makes him hide from me on the days he didn't shave. (in the words of monica: "YES! nagging WORKS!") i really don't understand why asian guys think that scruff looks good. it's not rugged - it's just kinda dirty.

anyways.

and then i ran into pastor walter, who always gives me a smile and some sort of encouragement. gosh, our pastors are just such nice guys, and they always go out of their way to have a conversation - i really appreciate that. he stopped me on my way in to tell me that i was doing a great job as prayer champion. i stopped in my tracks because his encouragement seemed so unmerited (i mean, how does he know what i'm doing and how well i'm doing it? i wasn't even there the day he visited our small group) but it was just kind of ... nice. i think sometimes i think i can just not go to church and have my sundays free. but then i realize that as far off as i may feel sometimes (heck, there's a body of water separating us) - i'm a part of the community.

peter was going to take me home, and we stopped by tenafly to drop off austin at the alpha luncheon. it was nice to be at tenafly again - the church feels so different than edgewater. though it's a different building and across the country - i had momentary flashbacks to youth group and fellowship hour after church. you know, one of those out-of-body time-stands-still moments where you're just frozen and overcome by some memory where it feels so real you can almost smell it.

at the end of the day...i think all this nonsense gave me a reassurance that i made the right decision in switching churches, and that Joy is indeed becoming my new home. and after pastor danny's sermon today...and seeing all the kids running around...and the fact that tlc's will be cancelled for the summer and i should have more time...perhaps i'll think about children's ministry and teaching sunday school.