this vacation concept is a keeper

oh man, i don't know what i was doing all this time spending my vacation days on tournaments, getting hospitalized, and coming back all stressed out. i could sure get used to this vacation thing.

in short, we've been in thailand for about 4 days, and it's been a whirlwind of food (khao gin gai is my new favorite), family (alan has A LOT of family. they all seem to drink from the fountain of youth because they all look and act 10 yrs younger than they actually are) and fun stuff to do.

the highlight so far was the gibbon ziplining adventure in chonburi ... definitely the scariest and coolest thing ever. would recommend it to anyone who has control issues ... haha bc there's nothing you can do when you're thrown off a 50 m platform and soaring through the jungle on a zipline. probably good that i didn't look into it too closely with respect to my fear of heights before signing up. haha.

rent-a-child

early on in our relationship, al was overwhelmed by the love of ... my nieces and nephews. it was actually a pretty good litmus test as to whether he was a keeper ... kids can be good at sniffing out character.

in fact, i think the first notable instance was the first night he stayed over at my cousin's place - i woke up in the morning and went downstairs to the guest room to find him hanging with syd. now the kids are all great: friendly, affectionate, outgoing, and generally just used to being around a lot of people - but of the 3, syd is the hardest to crack. sam and i-man, they're kind of the same ... sam is super friendly and i-man is so doggone lovable and dispenses hugs indiscriminately. but syd - she's much more picky about who she warms up to, and she has a definite circle of ins and outs.

so the guest room downstairs has a tv mounted in the corner, and that's where the kids generally watch their saturday morning cartoons. apparently that day syd went in to find someone sleeping in that bed. al rolled over and sees her in front of him and says good morning. she then proceeds to run over and give him a big hug saying "i missed you!"

according to him, he melted. (haha. when he told me i was like...dude, did you just say "i melted??")

i love the kids and the kids love me ... but as time went on i would find that they loved him more. seriously, chopped liver over here. one time i decided to put it to the test. we came in the door at the same time, and i-man was in the computer room. i made sure to separate myself from al, maybe a few feet apart, and sure enough, when issac came running over to hug hello, he made a beeline straight to alan.

as time went on, we grew to have lots of good times with the kids, frequently getting mistaken for their parents. i'd almost always get smiles when taking issac grocery shopping and having ridiculous conversations with him, that people would comment on multiple occasions "your son is so cute!" and then i'd reply "thanks, he's not mine!"

one night, after some particularly cute incident, we started joking around that the chongs should start a rent-a-child program for couples who are having cold feet about having kids. the idea being that their kids are so endearing that you could take the most committment phobe curmudgeonly dude - and he'd buck up and start giving hugs and pony rides.

so here we are, the poster parents for the program:



as family, i guess you could say we get free rentals. or, uh, i guess you can call it free babysitting for the parents. =)

revenge of the claw

well, with surgery #4 coming 'round the corner ... i found this picture that someone took of me and scott this past summer. i had wanted to frame it for our hand surgeon for christmas, but just got my hands on it today. whoops. maybe later in the year... scott crushed his finger in a printing press maybe 4 years ago and dr. r had to emergency put his bone back together. yeah, it was pretty crazy. (i remember when maryann called me and i was like ... he did what?!?)

except then i became bff with dr. r after "the claw" (when he reconstructed my smashed up hand and nailed me up), "the claw returns" (popped the nails out), "the claw - the threequel" (lopped off the scar and cleaned out the scar tissue). seriously, orthopaedic surgery is like sterlized carpentry, it's really quite disturbing.

despite the fact that the claw is still ... a claw. this picture gives me a little hope that scott and i can still compete and look decent despite the injuries. well, his wasn't that big a deal in the end - for how badly he smashed the tip of his finger, you'd never be able to tell. that dr. r...miracle worker, he is.

i've had enough. this hand has been smashed, pulled, stretched, nailed, unnailed, scraped, sawn, cut, stitched, injected ... please God, can you just heal it? pretty please? with sugar on top? and molasses on the side?

as bummed as i was about this cyst, and as annoyed as i am that it keeps growing and bugging me ... i'm hoping that surgery #4 (aka "revenge of the claw") will heal it once and for all.

ちょっとできますよ。。。

日本語わちょっと難しいですねえ。。。

ひらがな尾書いていますけど。。。ひらがな尾書いてません。。。露マジ尾かいています。

ok so seriously - i feel like i'm cheating writing all this japanese because it looks like i know what i'm doing when in reality - not so much. i just discovered that in order to type in japanese, all you have to do is type in romaji (the english romanization of the japanese pronunciations) and the computer does it for you. what the heck?? eesh after all that practice getting good at typing in korean, and the japanese give me a cheating way.

the sheer gluttony that comes from biz trips is astounding. i wish i had brought some running shoes because i feel downright slothful. and perhaps i'm too simple at heart, but after a week of fancy meals which probably cost on the order of $200+ per head ... i'd be happy to have a bowl of noodles by myself and not have to have the same conversations over and over again. not that i disliked any of the people we met with ... just the formality of it all and the extension of "work" into lunches and dinners was just draining.

other than finally finally understanding what the heck we're doing (i swear, i need a whiteboard to understand things. i'm going to ask if i can order one and install it in my cube) japan came with some interesting observations.

-my boss thinks i'm really weird for eating curry for breakfast. i love the hotel breakfast in hitachi city ... they have a western and japanese spread, of which i totally go for salad, curry, miso soup, and various fishes and picked vegetables in the morning. why on earth would i eat runny scrambled eggs and cereal? but seriously, i could eat that curry every day for breakfast for the rest of my life. maybe with a little kimchi...

-japanese drugs - there was a commercial last night for what i assume was cold medicine ... or magical superpowers. it's kind of entertaining watching a commercial where you don't have a clue what they're talking about.

-twin beds in hotels? seriously?? my boss's feet must stick over the ends. what am i supposed to do with 2 twin beds? i actually stole the covers from the second bed because i was cold one of the nights ... i haven't slept in a twin bed since college.

-japanese toilet technology is beyond impressive. except now I want heated toilet seats at home...seriously.

-there are bikes everywhere - without locks on them. apparently theft is not a problem here

-food is less appetizing when its head is chopped off and put on the plate for presentation. i swear that fish was looking at me, and its head was the size of a small child's head.

-having a language barrier with the top researcher has resulted in a lot of drawing on the white board. move over english - math is the real universal language. except no one could draw the vectors straight enough that i could REALLY understand where exactly they were getting the sine equation from but...eh, i got the gist. even that was more than i thought i'd follow. sometimes it's depressing to realize just how much knowledge you've lost over the years.

-fake competancy is...fake. so between rosetta stone, 3 semesters in college, and this being my third trip to japan - i've developed some competancy at basic phrases, numbers, etc. it's really quite pathetic. but now i feel confident enough to try them out, at least at restaurants and while shopping. the problem is, when you're good at faking the beginnings of conversations...people start talking fast and having real conversations with you. and then you have to admit that you're lost and ask if they speak english. fail.

-i haven't slept more than 4 hours straight in a week. i hope this corrects itself when i get home...

year in review

revisiting the status of new year's resolutions for 2010:

1) return to the state of fitness i was in before i broke my hand (aka "return of the claw")

THIS HAS BEEN PRETTY BAD. MY LACK OF ATHLETICISM, STAMINA, AND THE SHEER FATNESS HAS BEEN DISAPPOINTING FOR MOST OF THIS YEAR. THOUGH I GUESS THE CLAW IS STILL HOLDING ME BACK. I PARTIALLY BLAME ALAN, SINCE HE HAS NOW REPLACED MY PREVIOUS BOYFRIEND, TAEKWONDO. (though to be fair, he treats me much better)

2) apply for (and if ambitious, take) my PE licensing exam

NO MOTIVATION WHATSOEVER. THOUGH I DID GET PROMOTED THIS YEAR SO TECHNICALLY I HAVE TO DO THIS BEFORE I CAN GET PROMOTED AGAIN ANYTIME IN THE FUTURE SINCE LEVEL 5'S HAVE TO HAVE A PE. YOU'D THINK THAT'D BE MOTIVATION...

3) keep all of my electronic devices. in recent history, i've managed to lose or have stolen: 2 phones, 1 camera, 1 ipod, 1 blackberry. very bad track record.

I CAN'T FIND MY SHUFFLE, BUT OTHERWISE I THINK EVERYTHING IS ACCOUNTED FOR.

4) finish my movie

DEFINITELY DROPPED THE BALL ON THIS ONE. DOH.

5) substantially outline/write draft of my book

SERIOUSLY DROPPED THE BALL HERE TOO.

6) learn how to put on my own makeup

THIS I'VE ACTUALLY DONE ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS ... WELL, ENOUGH TO NOT HAVE TO CALL SOMEONE AND HAVE THEM DO IT FOR ME BEFORE A WEDDING. I'M STILL WARY OF PUTTING SO MANY THINGS CLOSE TO MY EYEBALLS, AND NOT BEING ABLE TO RUB MY EYES FOR EXTENDED PERIODS OF TIME...EH BUT YOU GOTTA DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO.

7) learn how to play guitar

FAIL. WILL HAVE TO PUT BACK ON THE LIST.

8) pick the violin and piano back up, especially while i'm living with the chongs. play gwinston's canon with some degree of fluidity.

I PRACTICED VIOLIN FOR A GOOD MONTH OR SO IN PREPARATION FOR AN ORCHESTRA AUDITION. AND THEN I WENT AND PLAYED SO HORRIBLY IT WAS BEYOND EMBARASSING. ESPECIALLY SINCE I HAD TO AUDITION ON STAGE IN FRONT OF LIKE, 20 PEOPLE. DIDN'T HELP THAT THE WOMAN WHO WENT BEFORE ME WAS FREAKING AMAZING. IT WAS SAD. I WAS PRETTY BUMMED ABOUT BEING REJECTED UNTIL THE FALL SEMESTER HIT ME FULL BLAST AND I WAS DROWNING UNDER EVERYTHING ELSE AND HAD NO TIME TO BREATHE. THEN I WAS THANKFUL THAT AT LEAST THAT DECISION HAD BEEN MADE FOR ME.

9) prep and give the seminar series on inductive bible study

THIS ONE WAS ALMOST DONE, THOUGH I NEVER REALLY GOT THE GREEN LIGHT FROM CHURCH TO DO IT. BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY, FILLED MY SCHEDULE WITH OTHER THINGS SO I GUESS THIS WILL GET PUSHED TO LATER. THOUGH AL DID MENTION THAT IF I BECAME A MEMBER AT HIS CHURCH I'D BE WELCOME TO TEACH SUCH A SEMINAR. HRMM...

10) go on a blind date (fully anticipating this to be disastrous)

WELL DEPENDING ON WHAT YOU CALL BLIND, IT WAS, AS ANTICIPATED, DISASTROUS. (CAR TOWED, ALL THAT). THOUGH IT WAS ALSO EVENTUALLY WONDERFUL. SO I GUESS EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T CHECK OFF MUCH ON THIS LIST ... I GOT THE MOST IMPT ONE. IRONICALLY, THIS RESOLUTION WAS INITIALLY TO BE DATING, BUT I THOUGHT THAT WAS TOO AMBITIOUS SO I SCALED IT DOWN TO GOING ON A BLIND DATE. CHECK AND CHECK.

11) take a road trip

I'M NOT SURE WHAT COUNTS AS A ROAD TRIP. I DID MAKE A FEW TRIPS TO BOSTON, AND ONE TO CT. THOUGH I WAS REALLY THINKING OF SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF DC OR MAINE. NOT SURE WHETHER TO GIVE CREDIT FOR THIS ONE...

12) go on a real vacation (ie. not for tournament purposes)

THAILAND, HERE WE COME! NO ATHLETIC ACTIVITY UNLESS I FEEL LIKE IT. SOUNDS GLORIOUS.

13) go out more (try to do something social at least once a week - as in a dinner or event that is not for explicit church or organizational purposes. frivolous and expendable only.)

THIS LASTED FOR AWHILE, AND THEN I STARTED DATING AND OUR SCHEDULES BECAME SO FULL THAT NOW WE JUST WANT TO BE COUCH POTATOES MOST OF THE TIME. WHICH WAS REALLY WHAT I WAS LIKE BEFORE. I JUST FORCED MYSELF TO GO OUT SO THAT I WOULD MEET PEOPLE.

14) NOT end up in the ER

TECHNICALLY I DID NOT END UP IN THE ER. THOUGH I DID HAVE SURGERY THIS YEAR, AND WILL HAVE ANOTHER ONE NEXT YEAR (THEREBY ALREADY BREAKING MY RESOLUTION #1 FOR 2011, WHICH WAS "DO NOT GET HOSPITALIZED") BOO...


all in all - not bad. maybe 50% or so, but more progress than previous years. will have to be more specific for next year...

i came to dance, dance, dance, dance...

yes i happen to be a glutton for pop music, but that song dynamitejust puts me in a good mood.

al and i came to an interesting realization last week. for context, he works for some ny financial risk management company, and like any other finance company in the city, there's a fancy schmancy holiday party at the end of the year. (he's not in finance, btw, he's a programmer). so being a dude, he was super excited about this party and the prospect that it was an excuse to make me dress up, wear impractical shoes that would make me want to chop my feet off, and throw some makeup on my face, etc.

so like the good gf i should be, i promised to go the 9 yards, which i must admit i despise less and less as time goes on. so we get to the venue and find that it's fancy of all fancies. (we immediately took a bet at how much it would cost per head to have a wedding reception there. $400, he hit it on the nose.) two floors, two open bars, cocktails, buffets, deejays, dance floor ... it was a wedding without the wedding.

his only wish was that i got all decked out to wow his coworkers, though really i think he just wanted me to wow him. not so hard when my general apparel consists of athletic wear or jeans. (keep the expectations low, people!) anyways, so i met his coworkers and their wives, who were pretty cool ... we ate a crazy amount of food which was delicious. and then we look over to this hubbub of people in plastic shades, epilepsy-inducing fake ipods that blinked fluorescent colors, and glow bracelets on the dance floor.

now, neither al nor i are dancers. i think up until now we were both the type to prefer to sit on the sides at weddings and generally avoiding dancing at all costs. at least, i was. i secretly don't mind, and perhaps sometimes enjoy dancing - but only by myself. in public, only at weddings of college friends. otherwise ... just generally not a fan. i was notorious at remnant for being the girl who wouldn't dance - though honestly much of that was induced by the fact that people labelled me as such. i don't mind dancing - i just don't like people watching me dance.

al has some similar sentiments, and though i find it amusing/endearing when he dances around my apt sometimes just to make me laugh (um, it looks normal, i don't see why he's self-conscious) ... apparently it's not his thing in public.

so i'm not sure what compelled me, maybe it was his coworker and his wife who got out there and looked like they were having fun - or the fact that there were old people out there (drunk) and clearly we couldn't look any more foolish than they ... or the fact that unlike him, i knew no one at this party and therefore had no shame. but i dragged him out to go dance with me. (one advantage of the impracticalities of dressing up is that i could probably ask him for anything. huh. i'll have to remember that.)

much to our surprise - it was really fun. somewhere in the course of the night he commented that dancing is actually fun when you have someone to dance with.

huh. i guess that's what it was. perhaps that's why i didn't like dancing before - because inevitably it gets awkward if you don't have a partner. you either have to make new friends with strangers, or hang out in a group (forming the inevitable circle) or something. in any event, we had a good time.

my feet paid for it afterwards, but he's a champion foot massager. i got lucky on that one.

the prom picture:



glad i finally got some use out of that dress. bought it on sale a few years ago and thought it looked nice and maybe i'd have an occasion to wear it one day. i think these are the only times al approves of my habit of buying things i don't need just because i found a fabulous deal. but rest assured - it was one fabulous deal.

don't eat the sheep

i love iv. i find it almost laughable when churches knock on the parachurch, because for the most part, it's like a smartcar telling an suv how to go faster.

one thing i realized, having been a product of iv, is that i took a lot of the leadership and staff training for granted. or, more accurately, i assumed that these things were normal, and that every organization has them available and effectively implemented for their staff.

i remember being so supremely annoyed and discouraged at fundraising while i was on staff - and having to meet looming deadlines in order to stay on campus and work with the students. (if you didn't meet your goals, you were kicked off campus and supposed to use that time to fundraise, to get yourself back to work). i thought it was so silly at the time - forcing me to raise money instead of spending my time with the students, which was what i was there and called to do.

in hindsight, i see the value of forcing staff to get their finances in order and take care of themselves before they focus on taking care of others. i guess it's something that's frequently lost in ministry, and something that's crucially important. with all the needs-based situations that come up - and the needy people everywhere - the bleeding heart will do just that: bleed itself dry.

i remember going over the "rules" of staff that year i jumped on board ... and someone (i think sly) told me one sort of facetiously. "the #1 rule of being a shepherd: don't eat the sheep".

i laughed - because it was funny - and as a female it was less of a risk, but that rule was put in place for a reason. we as staff - despite being perhaps just out of school ourselves - were called to shepherd the students. students being the key word here. that despite perhaps a nominal age difference, we were in a position of authority and care over them, and in a different stage of life. the explicit rule being that staff could not date students. among other rules like not being allowed to drink together, meeting students in public places, etc.

i can see how such things happen - all too well, actually. but i see clearer that boundaries are more important than ever. after all the ambiguity that comes with being asian and in an asian church ... i'm seeing more and more that clarity and intentionality are so important. and unfortunately - oftentimes lacking.

boca

one thing that i miss most about being in college is collegiate acapella.

maybe that's why i like glee so much ... in fact i generally like the glee versions of songs better than the originals ...

but seriously, kids just keep getting better and better ...

down

don't stop me now

holly jolly

it's december. what the heck - where did the year go?

this year's black friday extravaganza was ... fairly successful though i realize that alan is a) a good sport for indulging my need to black friday shop and b) not a good shopper. i put him on a line at a children's store (which is usually one of the mobbed places) and when he got to the front of the line, i signalled to him to let someone go in front of him. ie. to keep a perpetual place at the front of the line so that when i was ready, we could check out. (and if that sounds mean to him, well, i think he prefers that to wandering around with me in the store looking at tiny cargo shorts and such). he apparently misinterpreted my hand signals as directions to go to the back of the line and reset. now, i have to admit that i'm not one to have much patience, and i've got to get better at being impatient when such things happen but ... i had trouble understanding why he thought going to the back of the line would help us get out of there any faster.

i ended up having to leave that store bc at that point, i was ready to check out but he was at the back of the line. and then he was poopy that i got mad at him in the store for being nonsensical. i'm sure he has no desire to be trained in shopping strategy, though.

in any event, i had a mission of certain key items to find, which i was fairly pleased with. mostly new clothes for al and dad, including a suit, some nice winter coats, and plenty of sweaters. though after all the money and time spent getting a nice new winter wardrobe (at massive discount, i might add) - the only thing i bought him that he was interested in was a stitch stuffed animal from the disney store. he hasn't stopped doing the impersonation all week. it's cute, i must say, and a future useful skill to distract or appease a crying kid, but i do find it amusing that he likes to play make-believe with stuffed animals way more than i do. eh, though he also likes to cook more than i do so i suppose gender traditions aren't very important.

moving along.

so december is upon us and that means christmas parties. i love christmas. and despite the inevitably sucky weather, it's still the most wonderful time of the year. with cyber monday, i just finished my christmas shopping and hope to be done wrapping by next week. the pile of presents in the corner of my apt is growing impressively large, which makes me feel all holly jolly.

the first weekend of parties commences this friday, with tkd team secret ninja. invited some new people this year, which is good to bring them into the fold ... but makes it a little more difficult for gift exchanging considering people might not know each other. hopefully everyone gets to know each other a little better ... funny enough, i'm probably the one who's around the least at the dojang. sad.

saturday brings the park family xmas extravaganza, where each year the wrapping paper carnage as 14 kids unwrap no less than 8 gifts apiece is sheer chaos. but i love it, despite the fact that being the only unmarried and only childless cousin results in a very poor return on investment for me. but it's cool, i like buying kid gifts throughout the year. this will be al's debut with the rest of the cousin clan, which i'm not so much apprehensive about but still interested to see how he fits in. if nothing else he can give patrick some consolation that there's now a second non-korean in the bunch. eh, everyone's gotten so old they've all mellowed by now anyways, i think they'll just be fascinated to see who's actually willing to date me.

sunday = some sort of surprise thing that i suppose is not necessarily christmas but al says involves bry/carol and (much to my dismay) looking nice. i'm not sure if this is belated birthday or pre-xmas but yay for surprises.

and that would be week 1 of december. let the festivities begin.

thanksgiving indeed

So yesterday I was walking to tkd and when I arrived I realized that
my backpack was open - and that my wallet was missing. I panicked and
started backtracking my route to see if it had fallen out and sure
that any new yorker who found it would surely take it (some cynicism
after having my blackberry snatched out of my hand a couple years
ago).

I started running back and suddenly I get an email from will asking if
I lost my wallet and phone (hrmm didn't even notice my phone was
missing!). I thought it was really bizarre that will would be in the
neighborhood and happened to have come across my missing stuff!

Calling him from my bbry, I found out that some guy had found my
stuff, checked my license, and started calling people in my phonebook
to try and get my wallet back to me. He had finally gotten ahold of
will and arranged to meet him to hand it off (thanks will for being
willing to go get it!).

So I ran back to where the guy was and was so overwhelmed by his
honestly, and utter relief to get it back. Everything was intact and
he had even left messages with a couple other friends asking if they
could come and get my stuff.

It still floors me that this guy went so out of his way - and didn't
take nor want anything but my gratitude for his kindness. But it
reminded me to be thankful, not just bc I got my stuff back but bc
there are still good people out there.

The end.

kindness

So at Eugy's recommendation, Al and I took the love languages test - which he thought was kind of contrived, but hey, no test is perfect. At the end of the day he disagreed with his results, saying that words of affirmation were actually most important to him.

Which is kind of hilarious bc words of affirmation are my lowest ranking. Not that I don't know how to affirm or don't need it ... I guess I just feel like

a) talk is cheap if it's just words

b) you can say the same things...by writing them down...on nice stationary...perhaps accompanied by photos...in a scrapbook...haha.

So in an attempt to make him feel loved with words, I set out to send him an e-card...I haven't done cards in awhile, though I used to send them often, and in spurts. I came across one that was pretty cool, about the fruits of the spirit. I actually got so caught up in it that I was getting inspired, myself.

I particularly liked the one for Kindness: I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone. I will be kind to the rich, for they are afraid. I will be kind to the unkind, for such is how God treated me.

Man. That's deep.

I found the contents of this card to be challenging and inspirational at the same time (my favorite kind!) - but I also realized when reading through it, that that's generally what Al does in my life. The challenging part is quite frustrating and annoying sometimes - but it's good for me. He reminds me daily that I'm impatient - either by telling me so, or ... giving me a reason to be impatient and then withstanding the result. Haha.

But yeah ... there are very few people I've met who are just plain kind. But those who are ... man. There's something about them that's just ... amazing.

But the thing that really struck me about this card was that with each page on a different fruit - it says "I choose to be..." Whether I am or not by nature - today I will choose to be.

It gave me a little insight on this whole free will thing - God let's us have the choice, because the choice is oftentimes the hardest part.

I want to try an experiment ... if I choose one fruit per day and try to focus on applying it ... what would happen? Kind to the unkind, for such is how God treated me ...

why so holly jolly?

al asked me the other day why i like christmas so much. this is one area where we differ - he's completely ascetic, could live in a box with one set of clothes, eating the same food every day ... his family doesn't really do presents for birthdays or christmas, i'm guessing partly because of financial reasons and partly just because his father is ascetic. not sure. but me, i'm the opposite ... i love presents, shopping for presents, making presents, wrapping presents. obviously, who doesn't like receiving presents...but just in general...i live for this time of year.

so besides the obvious answer of jesus came to earth joy to the world - what is it about the christmas season that makes me so holly jolly?

i was originally going to make shoeboxes for op xmas child for al's church, which was the first time i'd heard about it. as i put some things together, it turned out that my church was going to do it through a tlc-wide effort. amazingly enough, we were able to make something on the order of 25 boxes in a night of wrapping paper carnage and a heap of school supplies, toys, and bathroom products in my living room. (there's a spot on the floor that still smells like dove soap).

the cousins asked me to make a wishlist so they could figure out what to get me this year - and btw on principle on hate making wishlists because i'd prefer that people would put thought in on their own - but nonetheless i started making a list.

it's kind of hard to make a list of what i would like to receive. there are things that i need around the apt or things that i want - but honestly speaking if i really wanted something i would just go out and get it. if it's too expensive for me to get, then i certainly wouldn't expect someone else to get for me. aside from a list full of items like "for sam to finish the scrapbook she was making that illustrated how much she loves me" and other sentimentalities ... i don't have much to request.

when i think about the most meaningful gifts i've received in my lifetime ... they would boil down to a few very memorable ones:

-lspero's 'mix of awesomeness' that she made for me before i went to my last team trials, where she interviewed various people at the dojang and who've been important in my tkd career for thoughts, encouragements, and roasts about me and then used her sound editing abilities to create a cd full of songs people wanted to send me, as well as edited pieces. she managed to capture the essence of why i competed and taught, and perhaps the essence of who i am - and reminded me of it in the pinnacle of my career. unfortunately it ended terribly with getting my knee kicked out and my heart broken - but in the end, it was much more bearable knowing that i had all these people behind me ... and that because it was meaningful to them, it was still meaningful to me.

-bbren's sparky book of photos and people's impressions of me when i left boston in 2004. for many of the same reasons that the audio mix was meaningful, it captured that my existence had been meaningful, significant, and appreciated.

-jaac's pink nintendo ds one xmas, along with my favorite game of all time, big brain academy. perhaps the extravagence of it threw me off, or the sheer ridiculousness that i would be carrying a hello-kitty-pink thing around and get laughed at ... but even that was meaningful to me, as he had always told me that my inner emo-color was baby pink.

-the ipod nano my teammates got for me last year for my birthday to replace the nano i had lost...not so much for the nano itself, but because they had it engraved with 'handy smurf' (an inside joke on my obsession with smurfs that year and the fact that i had broken my hand) and my email address - in case i lost it again.

-the year my jewish family got me the tiffany's elsaperetti cross necklace - only to find that the one piece of jewelry i already owned was that exact necklace in gold. (to this day, i have two pieces of jewelry and they're the same thing just in diff metals...haha). my jewish bro (then 13) had picked it out himself, and aside from it being a nice necklace, i just thought it was special because he had picked it.

-this one's pretty silly, and i don't even think i ever used it, but it was so cute. i had this tkd student who at the time was 7. she went with her mom to some fancy cosmetics and soap place and got me this fancy soap - so i could wash myself after i'm all sweaty after working out - because "you don't want to be stinky!"

i think of this year's christmas gifts, i'm pretty excited to see people open them. everyone makes fun of me for loving black friday so much but...finding gifts at great deals...it's like you took my 2 most satisfying feelings and mushed them together into midnight madness.

as i signed up to adopt a child thru al's church this xmas, i suddenly wanted to make more christmas child boxes. i figured, i had originally wanted to make them for his church, and despite the fact that our church made a whole bunch ... well, it'd be nice to bring at least one in to his as well. i was perusing the website and came across this video...which i guess encapsulates why i love christmas so much.

https://www.samaritanspurse.org/index.php/articles/seeing_through_childrens_eyes/

random dump

yeehaw, the macbookpro is here! happy birthday to me! well actually, it was a laptop upgrade for work / an experiment to see what would happen if i requested a mac. still fighting with the paperwork to get my related accessories, but the computer itself is here, hooray!

mve got a solid A on her last calculus exam, bringing her to an A- for the quarter - how satisfying. hard to believe she'll be graduating this year, but i guess that's life when your job is to get kids into college and send them off. some of my original students have now graduated from college...it's kind of weird thinking they're adults now.

this year's crop of students has been interesting ...

fball was cancelled tonight, which left me with an initial restless feeling of "who can i fill in this time slot?" i realize that i have an unsettled feeling when there's a big fat gap in my schedule without anything planned. hrmm, perhaps the sign of a workaholic.

shenanigans

well, that was unexpected. i find this entertaining given the poopiness of my last post, but as i look back, my foul mood probably contributed to the fact that i was duped with the shenanigans going on right under my nose.

impressive.

so friday al and i were supposed to have dinner with hj for my birthday. that being said i was exhausted from the week, in a foul mood, and feeling under the weather. i ended up leaving work on fri just wanting to go home and take a nap - and not really wanting to go to dinner at all. al says he'll pick me up from the train station, but i was insistent that i needed to take a nap. so he meets me at the train station anyhow, and walks me home, where i find darlin cleaning my apt. (i hired him to be my 'cleaning lady' since he needed some cash and i needed some help around the apt).

my bed was all folded up and i was thinking - man, he's so thorough, cleaning under the bed and everything. but then i was annoyed that i couldn't sleep on my bed. so i promptly passed out on the couch, while al and darlin made the bed back up so i could pass out there.

after an hour or so, al comes in to wake me up and try to get me to go to dinner ... at which point i was like "you go have dinner with hj...i want to sleeeeeeep". he finally convinced me that i'd feel better after i'd had food, and off we went...somewhat late. on the way there he tells me that there's a mystery guest - which was pretty darn hilarious bc the mystery guest turned out to be pyshin. so the 4 of us had dinner, which, to his credit, did make me feel better. the waiter even brought out birthday desserts for us without having had to be asked, which was really impressive.

so al says, for the next part of the evening, he thought we'd go back and have a quiet evening at home with p and hj, and we each headed to our respective cars. we're driving home and he misses the turn for 122, where we usually park - and i was like "uh dude, you missed the turn, what's going on?" and he absentmindedly takes the next right turn and loops around, looking for parking. it was pretty hard to find parking actually, but we finally squeezed into a spot and headed home. meanwhile i was thinking, man, i just want to go to sleep.

so we get there and he opens the door - which ends up being kind of stuck. he sort of shoves it open and lo and behold, there are a whole bunch of people and a cake and stacks of champagne flutes and ... shenanigans. it was pretty impressive, i must say. and then he goes "c'mon guys - at least move the shoes away from the door - i couldn't get it open!" haha.

so apparently darlin had cleaned my place that day and was going to set up for the party when i ruined the plans by deciding i needed to come home and take a nap. he had my bed all folded up because if everyone who said they'd come had come, he and al had transformed my bedroom so that people could hang out in there.

the apt was decorated with these blue streamers and hanging things everywhere - as lisa put it "it's like a public school prom where you could only afford one color!" haha. it was a great mix of my church and tkd friends, and generally just great to see everyone all at once.

much to my embarassment al had prepared martinelli's and wine with the flutes for a toasting affirmation time - man, i haven't done affirmations since college and intervarsity. i forgot how embarassing it was to sit there and have people say nice things about you. but he thinks i have issues accepting compliments (and perhaps he's right) so i appreciated the gesture of the activity. it's kind of funny, most people's comments had a common theme - about how i was so mean or intimidating or scary but then they got to know me and i'm not that mean ... or that i created community or something like that. i realized that perhaps my calling is to create communities for people, because that's what people seem to remember me for. interesting.

al's goal was to make me cry, but he underestimated my ability to suck it up in a crowd. haha. but it was nice, nonetheless...i almost teared up when lisa started crying...haha and i think darlin was close. it was all very warm and fuzzy.

and then apparently there was a gift. i had to sit on the chair with my eyes closed and i sat there for a long time while they brought something out ... but then apparently they were waiting for a reaction and alan realized that no one told me to open my eyes yet. much to my surprise, they had gotten me a keyboard - a pretty nice one too - with a stand and bench and earphones and everything. quite overwhelming, but ... what a birthday.

then on sunday we went up to westchester and he cooked dinner for my cousins and we all got together to celebrate ... which was great too. i got to hang out with all the kids, including jordan (3) who can't say my name and calls me "swarmy eemoh", alex (5) who drew me a card where apparently i'm a clown (there's a pointy thing on my head) ... sam (11) who asked me if i could move back in ... syd (7), whose card alan interprets as a desire to be closer to me (i interpreted it as her thinking her brother's head is big) ... and my man issac (4) who drew me 2 cards. one of them had some squiggles and shapes and i asked him what they were.

"that's my garage, and that's your garage"

"but i live in the city...i don't have a garage"

"then where do you park your car??"

haha. i miss those kids a lot...

poor alan was so exhausted from the weekend. apparently he had worked from home most of last week in preparation. getting the keyboard from his place to my place without me noticing...apparently there had been cases of beer and soda on my balcony and he had just counted on the cold that i wouldn't go out there for a few days...

impressive.

thirty, not-so-flirty, and surviving...sorta

i have to say, 30 has probably been up there for worst birthdays. including my 28th birthday, when i had my blackberry stolen out of my hand and failed to catch the teenage thief as people on the street turned to watch me chasing after him, but did nothing to help. that was pretty bad - but at least then i went to the dojang and got to spend my birthday with my friends.

i've been thinking a lot about how i would have liked my birthday to go, and why i've been so bummed.

here's what actually happened:

so on weds morning, alan tells me that he wants to take me to dinner. a nice thought, though me not being good with last minute planning - and "not being good" being a euphemism for having no capacity for and generally being offended by - i was a bit torn since i had planned to go to TLC that night. but i wasn't going to turn him down since he was trying, and i mean, it's kind of pathetic to not have dinner on your birthday, so i figured we'd go to TLC and leave early to go have dinner. fine.

so i go to tutor my most and least favorite students, and then hopped a cab to get to TLC which was in midtown that week. the cab goes down west end...and gets slower and slower until i realize we're gridlocked in traffic. by the time i noticed this, we were stuck at an intersection somewhere on 11th ave all the way west, where this double length bus had decided to try and get thru an intersection or turn or something - and was stuck blocking the whole box. like, there was no room for anyone in any direction to go anywhere. and new yorkers being the lovely people they are started honking and cursing incessantly.

seriously people - what is the point of honking at that point? if you're angry, i understand - but be productively angry. get out of your car, find some tools, dismantle the bus and move the pieces - but honking really isn't going to help get that bus out of the intersection.

all the things i dislike about new york presented themselves in that instant - rude people, cold weather, tight roads, insane traffic ... at this point i was already late for TLC, which i was already planning on leaving early from. so i abandoned the cab and decided to hoof it.

i was on 42nd and 11th and had to get to 32nd and 5th - but 6 avenues is no joke. i started walking across 42nd, but was mobbed by tourists and generally just thwarted in my attempt to walk quickly. by the time i got to times square i was so fed up and frustrated - less than halfway to my destination at best, and 45 minutes late - that i just gave up. at that point, i would have made it (and i hate being late) just in time to show my face, turn around, and get myself back up 20 blocks for dinner.

later eug sent me a picture of the cake they had had - which only made me depressed because i missed out on the one thing i had wanted most, which was to spend my birthday with my friends.

dinner was ok and al made a valiant attempt to cheer me up from my meltdown - but it was totally not what i wanted. looking back, i should have cancelled the dinner and just gone to small group. generally i get really annoyed with schedule changes, and poor planning - but the circumstances added to the change that he would be at some school function and just meet me at dinner instead of coming to TLC - or perhaps the fact that i wish he had just planned something in conjuction with or after TLC ...

to add to all of this, my parents called me to wish me a happy birthday - which was nice - but then my dad said something along the lines of apologizing for not sending me anything this year because he's been so busy he just didn't have time. and then proceed to ask me if there's anything i'd like. after that i was supremely offended, considering he seems to spend quite enough time thinking about me in terms of how dissatisfied he is with life choices or what-not, but he can't spend some time to think about what might make me happy on my birthday. and just in general, asking me what i want, when he knows that while i love presents, i hate asking for them. seriously - what kind of gift is that? gift-giving for lazy people? the whole point is to be thoughtful. if i want something, i'll just go and get it myself. seriously.

the day was capped off by having to go to sleep early since i had to get up at 5am the next day to drive through the rain to catch a flight for work.

i wish people would stop asking me why i'm not having a party or doing anything to celebrate my birthday. i think al has something planned for tonight (a rather feeble attempt at covering his tracks about dinner) and supposedly we're going up to unnee's house this weekend to celebrate with family. but it still doesn't change the fact that my birthday was pretty darn terrible, lonely, and depressing.

maybe this is why koreans say that you're not supposed to celebrate your birthday after the actual day. when i was little, my mom would always make me have my parties the weekend before, not the weekend after. i never really understood why, but i guess it makes sense...maybe tonight and this weekend will be fun and affirming and whatever. but i'm just not in the mood at this point...despite what i may have wanted before, all i want for my birthday is to sleep all day.

altenor

my debut singing tenor...haha. i think beth wants me to sing tenor going forward...not sure how i feel about that. will is so solid, i hope he doesn't quit, despite the heckling he gets from his friends about being a choirboy.

why so downcast

otherwise...a good weekend for football. technically we didn't lose any of the games we played, though we forfeited the finals altogether since jean was taken to the hospital in the semifinals and everyone was so distraught. it's kind of unsettling how watching someone get knocked unconscious doesn't faze me anymore...obviously i was concerned about her, but i realized on saturday when most of the girls fell apart, that most people haven't seen people get knocked around like that. but she's ok, thank goodness...it was really cool to see the team cover her in prayer.

otherwise a solid tournament, though we did get pretty easy bracketing. hopefully we'll be able to pull it together for the tournament of champions - november is looking to be ... well, not quite as crazy as october, but not light either.

i picked up 2 new students, after dropping 2 after the fall testing ended. alan was upset at me for taking on more committments - apparently i have trouble saying no to opportunity costs all around. he's probably right on that one - though i had to point out that my multitasking abilities are well above average, i'm probably overcommitted this fall. well...dodgeball is over...football is almost over...man, now that i think about it, i'm thankful i was rejected from that orchestra i auditioned for. no idea where i would've fit in practicing, let alone rehearsals. speaking of which, i think i ignored the last request i had for private lessons...whoops.

don't stop me now

current SOTM

I'm a shooting star leaping through the skies
Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity
I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva
I'm gonna go go go
There's no stopping me

I'm burning through the skies Yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit
I'm trav'ling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic man of you

Don't stop me now I'm having such a good time
I'm having a ball don't stop me now
If you wanna have a good time just give me a call
Don't stop me now ('Cause I'm having a good time)
Don't stop me now (Yes I'm having a good time)
I don't want to stop at all

new diet plan

alan is wholly skeptical, but i'm sticking to my guns with our new diet. it revolves around a very simple principle - exercising every day. so if you worked out today, then you deserve to eat. if you didn't work out today - you don't deserve to eat.

it's self-regulating - getting hungry is your body's way of reminding you that you need to exercise. eating after you work up an appetite is far more satisfying - and i've found that after a good workout, i tend to crave things that are healthier for me than when i sit in front of the computer all day.

i had this epiphany today when i was trying to motivate myself to get to the pool, and internally weighing my self-disgust at the most sedentary fall season i've had since the year i tore my knee. (honestly - even though i was crippled i think i was at the gym more then than i am now, if only to do weightlifting).

so chatting with al on my way out the door, debating whether to swim or not .. he prodded me to go work out. of course. exercising gf = thinner gf. little did he know i would bring down the new plan of working out every day and both of us returning to the dojang. football has been fairly low key, mostly because i just don't care as much as i did in the past, and dodgeball...our team was so bad this time that it wasn't really worth getting hyped up about.

new decade, new goals. perhaps it was fitting that the 10th anniversary of the mit stkd club happened this year, at the close of my twenties, my retirement from sparring, and getting most of the use of my hand back. it was a great weekend full of old and new faces, nostalgia to a magnitude i'll probably never experience again, and celebration of the fact that no matter how life may not be fair and how disappointed or regretful i may be about anything else - there was one thing in my lifetime that i put my whole heart into that became everything i ever dreamed for it to be. and more.

it leaves me with a whole lot of pride, a smile on my face - but also a lingering feeling of ... are the best years of my life behind me? at the cusp of 30, if that's true, then that's pretty depressing. but honestly ... i don't know how anything is ever going to top that era of sheer passionate drive and really feeling like i had it all at my fingertips. in the words my mom always said to me... 한참 좋을때... (loosely translated, the time when everything is good ... nuanced to where the world is before you and you have all the opportunities and good places to go)

but first thing's first. i will not get fat and lazy and old just because i'm turning 30. and since i've been described as a "force of nature" - those around me will not either. (sorry alan).

new diet starts after the fball tournament. we'll see how long this lasts...

a fairly tale of grossness

oh, the eagle...and the mayor...someone please stop the madness. can't we all just get along?

over the past 2 weeks, the eagle landed and brought a whirlwind of tension, criticism, and havoc to the already overcommitted kingdom. meanwhile, the mayor (back in ca) stewed in his own juices that his reign of control was in jeopardy.

the kingdom, with some collaboration with the counsel, decided that this would be the opportune time to let the cat out of the bag. so with a valient effort, his suit, a fancy dinner, and all the korean he could muster - the cat met the eagle. the eagle, though obviously displeased and conflicted, put on a good show before she promptly flipped out in epic proportions later.

the kingdom was distressed. or just stressed.

the mayor - who wanted to be the first to meet the cat and therefore retain his power - was not happy. but luckily the mayor was 3000 miles away, and cell phones these days have caller ID and the option of go-straight-to-voicemail. (ah, technology...)

the eagle was dissatisfied on many counts - some reasonable, some entirely not - but much effort was made by the kingdom, counsel, and cat to put the best foot forward and get the eagle used to the idea that the kingdom - approaching the beyond quarter-life of 30 - was not and would not be a royal dunce.

the eagle - contradicting herself left and right in a stubbornly valiant attempt to pound fist and stamp foot - was not convinced. she also appeared to be experiencing a midlife crisis of epic proportions, and generally weepy and sad. and certainly not in a state to accept certain truths such as the kingdom's misery from unrealistic expectations from the eagle and mayor, the kingdom's ability to fend for itself and make informed decisions for herself, and that perhaps the true King would come through despite circumstances not being perfect in the eyes of the eagle and mayor.

thus all the unnecessary back and forth went on and on, till the kingdom ended up on on the royal couch and mindlessly watch sportscenter all the live long day. though the eagle said that she trusted the kingdom and would be supportive - the obvious unhappiness bordering depression of the eagle was concerning .. and draining.

it all came to a head on the last day, when the eagle was in a tizzy preparing food and re-organizing the kitchen - which according to her was nonsensical and in need of much attention. (the kingdom liked it just fine the way it was). 2 days prior, the eagle was cleaning out the cupboards and found a jar of peanut butter - organic peanut butter. as an aside, organic peanut butter tends to separate the oil from the cream, since it doesn't contain all those chemicals that congeal regular peanut butter together.

the eagle promptly threw a hissyfit, claiming that the kingdom would surely die of poisoning from eating old peanut butter, and demanding that it be disposed of immediately. the kingdom insisted that the pb was fine, that it was bought recently and that was the way it was supposed to look. this went on and on for awhile, until the eagle gave up and acquiesed to leave the jar be.

fast forward to the last day, whence the kingdom examined the dishwasher before running it - only to find an empty jar of peanut butter in there. upon inquiry, the eagle defensively stuck to her guns, saying that the kingdom should not have had old peanut butter and it was for her own good.

at this point the kingdom exploded with frustration at having been given no respect in her own home and having her wishes blatantly ignored. she pointed out that this was her home and not the eagle's, and that the eagle had no right to go over her head to do whatever she wanted. the eagle refused to see the error of her ways, and a royal battle broke out. though she offered to replace the peanut butter, the kingdom did not agree that that would solve the issue of principle, which was that the eagle had no respect for boundaries - or respect period.

the kingdom contemplated eating the peanut butter out of the trash in order to prove it was fine (and to shock the eagle) but thought better of it. more because the trahs looked gross.

after dropping the eagle off in nj where she would spend the rest of her time with her friend, the kingdom felt sad and guilty that the eagle (and the mayor) could not be happy - and that she could not make them happy despite her best attempts. but such is life - unfair, nonsensical at times, but it is what it is. the kingdom then proceeded to work overtime to replenish funds depleted during the eagle's stay, and attempted to catch up on sleep and refill the emotional tank that was emptied.

the eagle thinks the kingdom is settling. the kingdom wonders what the difference is between settling and being realistic. or prioritizing the important things. the kingdom also thinks the eagle and mayor are crazy. as does the counsel. the cat is trying to understand, but drowning under work, school, and his parents' house having been demolished by a tree in the tornado.

and for those who are supremely confused by now ... the kingdom is me, the eagle is mom, the mayor is dad, the counsel is my cousin, and the cat is alan.

the end. for now.

so hosed

don't think i've been this hosed since MIT. though i kind of missed the terminology...now when i say punt, i definitely mean kicking a football.

anyways.

i have this weird tendency to thrive on busy-ness, until i hit my saturation point - at which point i have a meltdown, often of epic proportions.

this semester has been slightly ridiculous, and i was trying to pinpoint what exactly was weighing me down:

work has been picking up (don't know how the boss keeps all his junk sorted, but i'm starting to lose track on which demands are from which projects. all i know is that everyone thinks their stuff is urgent, and that all of our projects are in places i don't want to visit because it's so dang cold most of the time). we're going to japan in dec and then biz trips will possibly abound - i don't mind travelling, depending on where i'm travelling to, but it does throw a wrench in my otherwise predeictable schedule. sometimes i feel like telling people that engineers aren't firefighters - so stop giving us fires that you think are so urgent they need our attention right this moment.

everybody wants my money. seriously, what's with mortgage and healthcare and insurances and everyone showing up with bills that are often erroneous and take forever to fix?? not cool.

tutoring is at an all-time high - which is great for financial and self-fulfillment of purpose and challenge realms but absolutely draining when juggling 8-10 kids, their schedules, my schedules, and last minute changes and prep for every possible contingency. luckily, 2 of my kids are done by november after their entrace exams, at which point i may have some room to breathe - but until then it's full steam ahead. i guess it's also that this year, half of my kids are on the slate for more than one subject - most are math plus a science, but then french has been thrown into the mix for a few of them. (though this is not as bizarre as last year when i had to try to learn spanish and latin on the fly - neither of which i've studied before). i actually had to turn some kids down because i couldn't take any more. thankful for the business - don't get me wrong - but up to my ears and a little weary from juggling.

football is probably my only reliable form of exercise at this point, which is pretty depressing because i'm way out of shape. i went from being the fastest last year to not even in the first line for sprints this year. it's depressing. that being said, it's fun and defense has been pretty good ... backup qb-ing is stressful beyond belief, considering i haven't been given practice time on offense much, and the playbook exploded this year. here's to hoping that the starting qb doesn't go down, bc ... sheez defense is so much easier to just perform. every year i sorely miss the thrillers, though. 2007 was still the best football year to date.

dodgeball is halfway thru the season and tonight will be my first game. i can't believe i've missed so many. but i hope i've still got it. and that my quads have recovered from last weekend's football scrimmages that left me walking like a cowboy the last few days. our team's record has been abysmal this season, i have no idea what's going on.

dating is indeed a 48 unit lab. too bad i consider it a 48 unit lab and he seems to consider it a 48 unit lecture. and despite having had many guy friends and brother types over the years, it still shocks me every day that guys are slobs. you think i'd get used to it, but no - i'm becoming monica more and more every day. if i had the time i would devise a pulley contraption to automatically lower the toilet seat after each flush, because that seems to be the only way that it's gonna go down. that being said, it's a sine wave and for the negatives there are positives. but that being said - if i ever have sons i will make habits of toilet seat etiquette.

my mom is coming to town in t-minus 2 days. part of me is looking forward to it, because i miss her and want to show her a good time. the majority of me is weighed with trepidation at the impending doom of her meeting alan, who she will undoutably dislike, by virtue of him being not korean, not a doctor. how miserable and annoyed she (and dad) will make me after that remains to be seen but i'm not even hoping for the best bc i see no light at the end of this tunnel. and this is after i warned him to not mention anything regarding his future plans that involve education, politics, and all sorts of other idealistic dreams of saving the world that no asian girl's parents are gonna want to hear.

church is getting somewhat shafted, with some feelings of guilt, but also vast relief that i stepped off small group leading this year. i've been meaning to get sports ministry up and running again but after the summer i was exhausted. plus the dating thing now means that we go to two churches - it's cool, but sundays are tiring, and now there are 2 communities to keep track of. i think pdanny is gonna single me out again - one sunday he took me by the hand to the corner, and prayed over me because he said he always caught me falling asleep during his sermons. (which was actually untrue because i actually like pd's sermons, but it's true i've been tired and my face prob looks awfully sleepy).

choir has been super fun now that we have new members (and a bass part) - but getting committment and consistency is ... well, it's a church thing. i think it's hard for me to do something and know that things could be better if we just practiced more or started on time ... but regardless it's still fun to sing.

tkd has effectively ceased, which is pretty depressing when i think about it. but i don't really have time to think about it most days.

i was super upset when i auditioned and was rejected from this orchestra this fall but...now that i think about it, i'm grateful to not have another committment. i think i would have died.

and if anyone managed to get through all that mental throwing up to get down here - i probably didn't mention that i hosted the pilot of this tv show about women in sports. hopefully the show gets picked up and we get sponsored to do more episodes, but here's the pilot ... a little cheesy, but it was fun. =)

http://www.psychedaboutsports.com/women.html

sometimes, i just want to watch football ...

huh. this dating thing is hard sometimes. at least -- we're not normal, by any means.

for example, he wants to talk about national and world issues -- all the time. and not just talk - argue. discuss. talk about all the different sides. fight for the poor, the oppressed, the disadvantaged. what's wrong with the world, head-in-the-clouds dreaming of changing the world, etc. how do things make people FEEL.

and uh ... i want to watch football. talk about football. play football.

it's like men mars, women venus - reversed. i realized why i was getting so frustrated at the end of this whole conversation last night. other than the fact that i'm not naturally interested in debate, current events, or intangible idealism. i mean, i'm learning to be supportive and do some research and suck it up and talk about all this stuff purely for the sake of him liking it - and i'm not opposed to the issues themselves - but i realized when i woke up this morning ... it's draining. at the end of a day, i want to relax, not get more tense. i consider quality time to not include arguing, unless said arguing is about things that directly concern us. (like putting the toilet seat down, for example).

i just don't have the emotional capacity, at the end of a long day - to be heatedly debating over the problems of our nation, and alllllll the different opinions people have about it. he, on the other hand, finds these to be energizing ... except when he gets offended or frustrated in which case i'm thinking...why are we wasting a perfectly good fight over THIS?

like seriously ... espn. so simple. so entertaining. so easy. granted, i'm on a business trip right now so the phone thing made it rather convenient to have eyes on the ball game and ears on the phone

i'm not sure what's weirder ... the fact that i'm being the dude, or that he's not.

potpourri

well, team trials came and went, with mixed feelings. we came in 3rd both for pairs and team...i can't say i wasn't disappointed not to make either of the national teams, but at the same time, we had some shining moments. (and some catastrophe's, namely my individual performance which was absolutely terrible.) perhaps i should only do synchro events from here on out.

but the rest of the trip was pretty darn awesome - i could get used to this concept of vacation. 8 trips to the olive garden, 4 trips to the outlet malls, and beach/pool galore...florida wasn't half bad. we did this 2 hour segway tour of clearwater...and i have to admit, segways look dorky but they're AWESOME. i'd get one if they weren't $5k.

on another note, i've been watching a lot of movies lately. and by a lot, i mean...more than 1 every 3 years.

toy story 3 was beyond awesome. i was so impressed, i'd see it again. what a perfect way to wrap up the series (uh, please don't make any more...)

and then there was despicable me...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0m-A80VUIs

our new goal is to get issac a unicorn doll and have him say "it's so FLUFFY i'm gonna die!"

next on the list are karate kid and/or inception. i'm not sure how i feel about inception though...i hear people die. not cool.

otherwise...still waiting on the condo closing. sigh. i really hope the timing works out for everything cuz...i just want to be moved in, already! ugh. though as i think about it...i'm going to miss chez chong and the kids...i'll be sad if i come back to visit and i-man can suddenly pronounce his L's and speaks all coherently. boo, growing up. speaking of which, i have to video him singing 'hey soul sister' before i go. it's pretty accurate =)

old visions revisited

since i was taken off of sgling for next year and put on sports ministry, i realized that i'll have a certain amount of freedom. so what brilliant relevation hits me like a brick? to finally start my tkd bible study. essentially - to lead a small group.

funny how i can't get away from it, even when i try...

so ever since i moved here, i had thought about a tkd bible study. open to xtians, seekers, jews, whoever, for my teammates since we already have community and they're at varying points of faith. but of course with the entrenchment in "formal" ministry, and quest to be a champ, well, there just wasn't time or energy.

i was chatting with al about churches and such when i started on this tangent...which rambled for awhile and concluded with my 5 step plan to roll this out in the fall. haha. i was like - "this is perfect, my apt will be done, i already have bible studies made that i offered to teach at church but no one ever got back to me about getting that going, you can play guitar and...you're a pastor"

to which he laughed at me. this whole having a ministry partner thing is kind of nice. it was kind of interesting - we realized that despite our initial concerns that our churches and relative involvement in ministries would conflict ... they're actually turning out quite complementary.

this is all still in my head but...i'm envisioning a dojang bible study group that would eventually channel people into churches...and in that light, it's pretty cool that his church and my church serve two completely different demographics.

anyways...that was just an interesting "aha!" moment...

in other news, the apt is done, the walk thru was decent, and hopefully the closing will happen within a month. very excited about my new place. yesterday mrt was watching al hang with sam, who said something about him getting a new iphone, while we were talking about the possibility of al moving in one day. so mrt says "so will you let al move in when he gets a new iphone?" and i replied, "uh, i'll let al move in when he gets a ring"

as sad as i'm going to be to leave the chongs...can't wait to move back into the city. no skunks, no tolls, no rotting in traffic...just the same old rude opinionated people.

and the most awesome washer/dryer combo in existence. =)

the list

the plan has been declared effective. blar de blar blar blargh, 129 pages later, looks like the apt might actually close in june. man...now i know why i'm paying an arm and a leg to have brokers and lawyers read all this junk for me. even so, i'm still wary of something sneaking in under my nose.

aln commented the other day that because i'm a learner (strengthfinders) i like to be around people who i can learn from. (duh, sounds obvious). but i thought about it and it's true. why would i be around someone who i can't learn something from? i mean, i even learn from kids. but useless people - i have no patience for useless people.

in a very tight race of people i hate and occupations without scruples...

1. people who work at the dmv and the tow pound. some people should not be given power, and these are them. tow pounds are state sponsored extortion. seriously.

2. real estate brokers (except my broker, who is awesome). sin and greed embodied. on top of uselessness (how many times can i call the seller's broker and ask about progress to get an ambiguous non-response?)

3. health insurance representatives and medical malpractice. seriously, i just want adequate medical care for non ridiculous sums of money. please?

wonderful - part deux

Part I: Insult

I got food poisoning this weekend. From my favorite restaurant, no less. Anyways, as a post-food-poisoning experiment, we decided to go eat some kfood. Parked the car at the meters...fed meters...actually no, broken meters. Anyways. Eat, come out - car is gone. GONE.

And I'm like "you know al, as romantic as it is to commemorate 6 weeks with a nostalgic trip to the IMPOUND where you convinced me that you're worth considering...this SUCKS"

Yeah, my car got towed again. EFF. (on a side note, i like the fact that he curses tastefully. more pastors ought to be real).

Thus began the 6 hour journey to get my car back. Including the nasty woman who insisted I couldn't take the car even though I had it insured under my name because the title hadn't been transferred yet. And a mad dash against the clock to get to Westchester and back to retreive the title that had been signed over to me.

$300 to get it back and pay for the ticket.

Wonderful.



Part II: Injury

So the next day, I'm driving and it's pouring rain. Fire trucks coming from behind, everyone pulls over. In the aftermath, it's mad crowded and I'm trying to squeeze past this bus when...CRUNCH.

That would be my passenger side mirror, now dangling off my car.

EFF.

And it's pouring. Luckily the wiring was encased in a sleeve so that was fine, but the housing was broken and I'd need to replace it. Thought about glueing it myself, but it didn't QUITE fit. Took it to the dealer to have it serviced, it was $200 to replace the mirror (which was perfectly fine but of course they couldn't just fix the plastic part, they had to order a whole stinking new mirror) - and $150 to install it (are you kidding me?? I could install that thing for cheaper. Rawr).

And while I was there, apparently my car needed some tuneups and other junk (transmission flush and fuel injection) because it'd passed 30k. Add another $400.

Wonderful.


Part III: And then some

I gave adodo a lift home yesterday, and he had some cleaning supplies to get the writing off my windows from when they towed my car. (Damn you impound). I was parked by his car (up in his neighborhood) and using his vacuum to clean the inside of my car (therefore i had the car on) when I realized the rear doors weren't open. Pushed the unlock button on the drivers door, closed it - and realized I had pushed the LOCK button.

So now my car is on, locked, the keys and my phone and everything are locked inside. Fabulous.

adodo doesn't have a data plan anymore, so I couldn't even call Geico. I had to call my cousins, who had to drive down with my spare key and bail me out. The car was fine, but my cousins think I'm the most irresponsible person on the face of the earth. (I got yelled at forever for cleaning my car in Washington Heights at 10.30pm). Though to be fair, that part of the Heights was pretty nice. Anyways.

Wonderful.


Part IV: And them some more

So this morning I spent 4 hours at the DMV trying to get the title transferred and new plates - I almost punched the lady in the face for giving me such attitude and being so difficult. Seriously, my insurance is up to date and the expiration date is in September. Who the eff cares that it was effective March? Did it REALLY do any good to make me go call Geico and have them fax me a new card that said effective today? And make me wait in that line again?

Maybe you don't have anything better to do, but some of us have jobs. Jobs that actually produce benefit to society, as opposed to not being helpful and moving as slow as molasses.

This car has cost me $1800 in the last 3 days.

I reiterate:

WONDERFUL.

four

i think my boy missed me, the door opened this morning and he was grinning at me. there's something so cute about a little kid wanting to cuddle with you...and then tickle your feet. (WHAT is the obsession with tickling my feet??) we were wrestling and either i've gotten weaker or he's gotten stronger...in any event, i said "issac, when did you get so strong?" and he goes "since i turned FOUR!"

too cute.

wonderful

my mom sent me the most ridiculous email this morning

the gist of it was about how someone she knew had moved from nyc and is about my age and told her about churches in the area that i should check out.

so she writes me this long email, complete with bolded enlarged fonts in different colors for emphasis (severely regretting having bought her that new computer and encouraging her to take classes in office) - telling me to go check out this awesome "asian couples" church with a mid-40's pastor that recently planted itself in midtown...

yes, my mother nagged me to go check out the church that I CURRENTLY ATTEND.

wonderful.

replaced

this morning issac comes into my room...i heard him open the door and creep in...and say "she's still sleeeeeeping". and then...

WAKE UP EEMOH!!!

not quite our normal routine, but then i looked up and aln was peeking in through the door. apparently he wanted to see this routine. hrmph. then syd crawled into his lap and issac jumped into my bed ... way to play married with children.

it's really quite endearing how much syd likes him - she's the hardest nut the crack and definitely picky about who she likes and doesn't like. she sat on his knee this morning and he looked like he was going to melt.

haha i think i've been replaced.

i asked issac this morning "who loves you issac?" (to which he normally says "soyun eemoh!") and he looks around, points at aln, and says "him!" HAHA. i've totally be ousted. but...it's ok. i can live with that.

so it's been one month today. my only request was that celebrations do NOT include getting my car towed. (though the other day we drove by the impound on the highway and he got all nostalgic. maybe bc he didn't have to pay $300 to fish the car out that night.)

though...he IS the king of heavy. some days i just...don't want to have heavy discussions. no mas por favor. and the ever-present elephant in the middle of the room of whether he stays or goes is always there. yesterday we had this discussion about hearing the voice of God, which had him bummed bc he just doesn't hear it. neither do i, i guess. in hindsight i generally go with my gut on things and it turns out to be ok but...who knows what's going to happen here.

but for the time being...maybe we can just enjoy it. ergh. like ted and robin in himym...we may have an expiration date. and then what?

let the planning begin...

dball update: first games were subpar. i think it's because i'm trying not to dive, which throws my reaction time completely out of whack. aln was actually pretty shocked at how upset i was at myself after that game. took me awhile to figure it out but...next week. it'll be better.

fball update: it's good to be back. jimmyd killed my quads, i couldn't walk at all the next day. it felt so good to be sore again even though i couldn't bend over and pick anything up. i can throw too! i'm glad j didn't take me out of rotations, even though i still feel like a secondary player. they might switch me to defense next year, i'm not sure how i feel about that...but we'll see, i guess. first, the claw has to heal.

looks like i might be back in orchestra sooner than i thought...man, life sure has gotten busy these days. the orchestra i was going to audition for next year suddenly needs violins...hrrm.

the madness of planning for jo's and nationals has begun. i decided to forego aau's, though i'm still on the fence about nationals. at least it's after poomsae trials, so hopefully there will be no injuries to deal with this year. man, i really hope we make team this year. i feel like we're capable we just need some coaching and...to be able to pull through. it'd be really nice esp since scott is going away to college next year.

trying to coordinate 8 people and hotel variations was driving me nuts...but actually once aln got on the phone this morning we managed to crank it out. 2 are seriously better than 1, i was pleasantly surprised. but it was so productive...he got the flights, i got the hotel and car...check, check, and done. excellent. now all i have to do is figure out all the registration and whether i'm going to spar...and which disney parks i want to go to...wow a real vacation. unheard of. all very exciting.

me to we

when did we go from "me" to "we"? i think it was the google calendar.

this whole thing has been an interesting change...it still boggles my mind that there's someone to depend on. for example, the other day i had to drop him off at this high school he was speaking at, and was desperately trying to find parking in that area so i could take the train down to hand therapy. there was no parking. seriously.

as the time ticked down and i got progressively more panicked, i finally parked it at a meter and asked him to come out after his talk and feed it. then as i was about to head in the subway, i realized...it's a muni meter. you have to pay the machine and stick the ticket on the dash of the car. so he needs my keys.

i ran over to the school and he came out to get the keys. i felt so bad, because it basically was going to screw up his talk, having to watch the time, and running out and what-not. i was about to call PT and cancel since i was already late, and he grabs my keys and tells me to go, that he'd take care of it.

an hour later i get a call "i have your car, i'm on my way to pick you up, do you want me to get you food?"

i think grace still has a tendency to throw me off-guard. i was like, what? apparently it gave him a good story to tell for his talk, which was on the good samaritan, and how relationships are about sacrifice. huh.

don't eat raw dough

I miss JAAC and his profundity. Still the most eloquent person I've met to date.

"Just like baking a cake, you have to give the dough time to rise and the chemical reactions to take place before it settles into its final form and you can eat it.

TIME is a major consideration here. Don't eat raw dough."

* * * * * *

Bibimballz resumes next week. I hope The Claw cooperates...I can't wait for dodgeball! =)

* * * * * *

Still on the fence about competing this summer. Yargh. Some days I totally want to. And then I just get fed up all over again thinking it's just not going to be fair or worth it.

But I miss it...sigh.

bucket dump

i was re-listening to the mix of awesomeness that laura made for me last year (to date, the most meaningful gift anyone has ever given me) - and there was one part in the first track when dan said this:

"everyone has their time to shine. it doesn't always come when you expect it"

i wonder if my time to shine has come and gone. or whether it hasn't happened yet.

* * * * * * *

sometimes you pray for a gift from the sky. but then...how do you know if you've gotten it?

* * * * * * *

at the age of 29 i have to say...i'm too old for sleep deprivation. how sad. i have a limit at which i hit uselessness, and it's far sooner than ever before. what the heck...i haven't had this many peripheral headaches since college.

* * * * * * *

conversations of the morning...

issac: what's that white stuff on your car?
me: that's bird poop
issac: birds poop?!?!
me: everyone poops! you poop, don't you?
issac: but i poop in the potty!

demo prelim

first attempts at putting this together. not there quite yet but...promising. my creative side rejoices.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWH_yJBlWyk

apples and oranges

it's been a bad week for traffic violations. never really gotten tickets in my life, and this week alone i've shelled out $400+ in parking tickets, tow fees, and garage fees. it's ridiculous.

from my limited experience, i'm learning that i'm attracted to guys who will take care of me. sounds like a given. but it's not. and apparently (this should be obvious) i'm not into alpha males. (yes yes, dbc, because i AM the alpha male). but i guess if i could best categorize...it's the closet alpha. the guy who doesn't need to be the alpha, but if he had to, he could be.

for example, i have to say, i dislike obsequious behavior. i mean seriously dude, i need to respect you. no doormats, please. i received a somewhat frightening email from some dude saying he was my biggest fan. totally weirded me out.

d commented the other day that i'm living my life 10 years behind schedule. getting my car towed for the first time, going out on dates, blah blah blah. yeah, well, 10 years ago i was busy studying and coaching teams and trying to be a world champion. or trying to shed my freshman 15.

i dislike apples and oranges. esp when what you really like are mangoes and pineapples, and then you get an apple and an orange (and a grapefruit) and it's kind of like...well, what about these? how hungry are you?

my shoes?

"excuse me, where are your shoes?"

"um, on my feet."

"oh, sorry, i thought you worked here"

----> never wear a red polo shirt to target



driving with one hand...still dangerous. God help us all. but life must go on. i've had enough of being crippled and useless.

all in all, easter sunday was good. the choir performance was actually pretty good, minus maybe 2 notes. though it gets less noticeable over time. in the end, i'm really glad i did it...i really like learning new things. i hope we get to do more acapella-esque fun stuff in the future...

i think i feel restless these days because i don't have goals. or i'm not striving towards/making progress towards goals. i miss sparring. or football. or even dodgeball. or something.

this week's focus: demo team. i'm shocked that i'm not sick of 붉은 노을 yet after listening to it on repeat all week. man, what a good song...

after i get my stitches out, i'm making myself a training schedule. this has gone on long enough.

how beautiful

happy easter! what a gorgeous day...

i decided yesterday to make candy easter eggs things for my small group. the kids got excited about decorating them, so we had a blast drawing on the sides of plastic eggs...in a way, i had my own little sweatshop going. =)

i-man was hilarious...he's only 3 so i told him to just draw things on the sides of the eggs and tell me what they were. it got pretty creative...



i think the main point was that jesus takes care of...everyone. =)

well, so this surgery was a little less ridiculous than the last, but i was still pretty nervous and definitely out of it afterwards. something about the anesthesia that never sits well with me. this one took longer to kick in, too. but i love dr. r, he's the best. wouldn't want to get sliced and diced by anyone else...

post-op, i was delirious for a couple days. which led to some poor judgement calls on my abilities, namely, driving. for some reason, it didn't compute that even though i drive one-handed most of the time - you still actually use your other hand a fair amount for other things, like making calls, turning on the a/c, etc. whoops. so i got into the city on thurs, and i was counting my blessings esp in city traffic and crazy cabs that i didn't get it. (though i did get a parking ticket for being 3 minutes late to my meter! grr...)

so eventually i managed to get jj and he drove the rest of the way to choir rehearsal. i guess the drugs kicked in at some point because i went completely useless for about 15 minutes. (very much dislike not having control of my functions).

looking back on the last couple days and him being forced to basically drive me everywhere and stick around, i feel pretty guilty/burdensome for the shin-sae. but particularly in light of good friday and easter weekend i realized...maybe it's good for me. i very much dislike asking people for help or feeling indebted to them - nor am i very good at receiving sometimes. it's a control thing and i think there's some residual pride from growing up where i had to be independent and put together and self-sufficient. perhaps even just as a guard for my own disappointment because to depend on others means to be disappointed.

but being crippled kind of changes all that. after the first surgery i was so useless - my unnee had to cut my nails for me and help me with EVERYTHING. you grow dependent on people because at the end of the day...you just have to be. i can't even open the stinking childproof cap on my meds by myself, or unscrew my own water bottle.

when i saw him so tired on good friday, and how much he's overwhelmed with but still so willingly giving of time and energy, the meaning of grace hit me all the more. something so undeserved but very much needed - given freely to someone so unwilling to ask for it.

indeed. i'm grateful for all those who prayed, who were concerned, who asked how i was doing...for friends near and far who remind me how beautiful is the body of christ.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHmrC9zUd_E

progress

man, i love my boy. this morning he made this gigantic mess in the kitchen (like, crackers smashed EVERYWHERE). i saw it and i said "does mommy know about this?" and he goes "uh huh!" (clearly mistaken when my cousin saw it and flipped out). she gave him a broom and a dustpan and told him it had better be cleaned up by the time she got back. (imagine a tiny 3 year old with an adult sized broom and dustpan. it was almost cinderella-esque except he totally deserved it).

so he's carry the dustpan that's as big as he is, and he comes over and says "eemoh will you help me?" so dang cute i couldn't say no. (yes, eemoh can be a pushover). and then he wanted to sit in my lap while i ate breakfast and cuddle.

i'm going to be sad when i have to move out...i realized this with sammy when she was around 2 or 3 and i'd come down for spring break and such...if you bond with them early, they'll remember you forever. man, i love those kids.

the first demo practice went pretty well - i'm pretty excited to be choreographing again. maybe it's because i secretly wish i could dance (or dance in public) - it's probably all in my mind because it's not like i don't have rhythm. but barring the fact that i would never voluntarily join a dance group (hrmm joy olympics last year was the limit of my willingness to shame myself in public), i love making tkd routines to music. i think it goes back to the swagger thing.

or maybe this is just my favorite song right now and i want an excuse to dance to it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOC86BTOGZo&feature=related

jj said something interesting last night which i agree with. he was talking about work and how it bothers him that it's so busy that he's just churning things out without knowing with the overall purpose is. i saw this in my demo team as they got frustrated/overwhelmed with the complexity (or, what they perceived as complexity) of my routine. (seriously guys - we've partied together. i know you can dance. if you can dance, you can learn choreography.) but as they practiced and got more comfortable with the moves, they were able to get to the point where they could see the different parts come together. and then they thought it was cool.

kind of reminded me of football...all the individual parts don't really make sense (especially the blocking) - but at the end of the day, they make plays work. i miss remnant football a lot when i think about the genius of the playbooks. i remember the first year i played for jooho on defense, i had no idea what i was doing. but looking back it was so brilliant that he devised a system of playcalling such that each person didn't have to know what anyone else was doing - you just did your part and it came together. i guess it comes down to trust in your coach or leader, that even if you don't really understand what's going on, there's a purpose somewhere.

so not that his supervisor is God or anything, but...that's all i really could tell him. it sucks that there isn't time to go over everything and fully understand...but it doesn't mean that your contribution doesn't have purpose. in general i think it's hard to separate how things are, and how things make you feel.

anyways.

surgery was moved from today to tomorrow. i have to say, i was pretty disappointed. i wasn't really sure why (bc i hate the idea of surgery). then jj hit the nail on the head when he said i was emotionally prepping myself for tues, and then suddenly i have to go through all that again for tomorrow. man, i hate needles. and i think i'm just extra apprehensive because...my hand just remembers what it's like to be hurting ALL the freaking time. and the pain it is to walk around with it elevated all the time, living in fear that someone will bump it, or now, just wondering if this whole thing will even amount to anything.

but as i shared with my tlc last week...maybe it's God's way of offering me complete healing. i've been going back to matthew 21:22 a lot these days, ever since jj prayed the prayer "we declare in faith that c's car will not get towed". a silly and seemingly insignificant prayer, but ever since then i've been ruminating over what it really means to pray in faith - to declare in faith. maybe this is another opportunity to hope in God in something that i've given up on. maybe being 90% healed and 10% bitter isn't all He wants for me.

oh me of little faith - the overarching doubt of being 90% forever looms. i'm not exactly at desperation (which i think in some ways makes it easier to have faith) - but the bleeding woman reached out to touch jesus's cloak, and she was healed. the father with the possessed son cried out "help my unbelief!"

i think it also comes back to the source of my doubts. i don't doubt that God CAN. i think i doubt that God WILL. and those are two very different things. like any of the big things that weigh on my heart that i ask for ... i think when i end with beef with God, it's more so because i know He can. And that He doesn't (or hasn't yet).

i can't say i can declare in faith that my hand will be healed. but i think i can start to pray in faith, to ask for it. which i guess is progress.

coming back to this morning...i know the boy loves me. how? i just do. children are just kind of transparent like that.

it's funny...isaac wakes me up in the mornings by opening the door to my room, standing next to my bed, and staring at my face until i open my eyes. he then gives me a big smile, and says "good morning! it's time to get up!" and no matter how tired i am, i can't help but smile and be happy to see him. (even on weekends, when he still feels the need to wake me up early).

i pull him onto my stomach, and we sit and chat until i'm conscious, and then we get up and get dressed and start the day. it's the best part of my day.

i think God does that too, except He gets ignored a lot. and most of us don't consider chatting with Him to be the best part of our day. but what if it was? i think it would make my days much more bearable...