i have to say, 30 has probably been up there for worst birthdays. including my 28th birthday, when i had my blackberry stolen out of my hand and failed to catch the teenage thief as people on the street turned to watch me chasing after him, but did nothing to help. that was pretty bad - but at least then i went to the dojang and got to spend my birthday with my friends.
i've been thinking a lot about how i would have liked my birthday to go, and why i've been so bummed.
here's what actually happened:
so on weds morning, alan tells me that he wants to take me to dinner. a nice thought, though me not being good with last minute planning - and "not being good" being a euphemism for having no capacity for and generally being offended by - i was a bit torn since i had planned to go to TLC that night. but i wasn't going to turn him down since he was trying, and i mean, it's kind of pathetic to not have dinner on your birthday, so i figured we'd go to TLC and leave early to go have dinner. fine.
so i go to tutor my most and least favorite students, and then hopped a cab to get to TLC which was in midtown that week. the cab goes down west end...and gets slower and slower until i realize we're gridlocked in traffic. by the time i noticed this, we were stuck at an intersection somewhere on 11th ave all the way west, where this double length bus had decided to try and get thru an intersection or turn or something - and was stuck blocking the whole box. like, there was no room for anyone in any direction to go anywhere. and new yorkers being the lovely people they are started honking and cursing incessantly.
seriously people - what is the point of honking at that point? if you're angry, i understand - but be productively angry. get out of your car, find some tools, dismantle the bus and move the pieces - but honking really isn't going to help get that bus out of the intersection.
all the things i dislike about new york presented themselves in that instant - rude people, cold weather, tight roads, insane traffic ... at this point i was already late for TLC, which i was already planning on leaving early from. so i abandoned the cab and decided to hoof it.
i was on 42nd and 11th and had to get to 32nd and 5th - but 6 avenues is no joke. i started walking across 42nd, but was mobbed by tourists and generally just thwarted in my attempt to walk quickly. by the time i got to times square i was so fed up and frustrated - less than halfway to my destination at best, and 45 minutes late - that i just gave up. at that point, i would have made it (and i hate being late) just in time to show my face, turn around, and get myself back up 20 blocks for dinner.
later eug sent me a picture of the cake they had had - which only made me depressed because i missed out on the one thing i had wanted most, which was to spend my birthday with my friends.
dinner was ok and al made a valiant attempt to cheer me up from my meltdown - but it was totally not what i wanted. looking back, i should have cancelled the dinner and just gone to small group. generally i get really annoyed with schedule changes, and poor planning - but the circumstances added to the change that he would be at some school function and just meet me at dinner instead of coming to TLC - or perhaps the fact that i wish he had just planned something in conjuction with or after TLC ...
to add to all of this, my parents called me to wish me a happy birthday - which was nice - but then my dad said something along the lines of apologizing for not sending me anything this year because he's been so busy he just didn't have time. and then proceed to ask me if there's anything i'd like. after that i was supremely offended, considering he seems to spend quite enough time thinking about me in terms of how dissatisfied he is with life choices or what-not, but he can't spend some time to think about what might make me happy on my birthday. and just in general, asking me what i want, when he knows that while i love presents, i hate asking for them. seriously - what kind of gift is that? gift-giving for lazy people? the whole point is to be thoughtful. if i want something, i'll just go and get it myself. seriously.
the day was capped off by having to go to sleep early since i had to get up at 5am the next day to drive through the rain to catch a flight for work.
i wish people would stop asking me why i'm not having a party or doing anything to celebrate my birthday. i think al has something planned for tonight (a rather feeble attempt at covering his tracks about dinner) and supposedly we're going up to unnee's house this weekend to celebrate with family. but it still doesn't change the fact that my birthday was pretty darn terrible, lonely, and depressing.
maybe this is why koreans say that you're not supposed to celebrate your birthday after the actual day. when i was little, my mom would always make me have my parties the weekend before, not the weekend after. i never really understood why, but i guess it makes sense...maybe tonight and this weekend will be fun and affirming and whatever. but i'm just not in the mood at this point...despite what i may have wanted before, all i want for my birthday is to sleep all day.
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