love is patient

The first in thoughts about love. (Note to self: I should go back and do a Corinthians study...)

Love is patient.

I suppose that is the thing about love. You can't make anyone else love you. If you could, it wouldn't really be love. God obviously knew that, in giving us free will, thereby running the risk that we might not love Him back, and letting sin exist. That's a pretty tough decision to make...perhaps love is accepting the fact that someone may choose not to love you, and still being able to love them anyways. Now THAT is patience.

I remember when I came down a couple years ago in the summer to train for the last Universiade. At the time, Daniel was 2 years old and an absolute terror. I remember seeing him running through the old dojang, sometimes screaming, sometimes crying, all the time very visible and very loud. Maybe it's because he's Korean, maybe I'm just stubborn and need to get along with people, maybe I just want children to like me - but for some reason I was attached to him. So every day I would walk in and say "hi Daniel!" and his dad would tell him to say "hi noona!" to which he would respond by either:

a) saying "NO!"
b) turning his head away
c) running up to me and hitting me or kicking me in the shins

Definitely didn't appreciate that last one.

When I first moved down to NY last year, Daniel was 3 years old and more verbal. He still had bratty tendencies, and still refused to acknowledge my presence unless he was in an extremely good mood, or if he wanted something from me. Nevertheless, I always walked into the dojang looking for him and would greet him with a big smile and a "hi Daniel!" Although he stopped kicking me, his reactions were still unpredictable. His dad would just make excuses that he was shy, or tired, but I was still saddened by the fact that maybe this kid just didn't like me. I mean, he didn't like anyone, really, but...it was still sad he didn't like me.

Over the last year, especially seeing him day in and day out at the dojang, has brought about a change that I couldn't have expected when rubbing my shins 2 years ago. What brought about the change? I've always made it a point NOT to be the noona with candy or toys unless it was his birthday or Christmas - nor to be the one who coddled him and let him get away with bad behavior. As much as I wanted him to like me, I didn't want to buy his affections.

In the end, I think it was about time. He obviously grew out of the terrible two's he was in when I first met him - but it was also a matter of time spent together and familiarity. The hours spent babysitting and playing together, humoring his rambunctiousness to play guns or Power Rangers or whatever other violent things little boys come up with.

I'm glad I didn't give up on Daniel, even if a lot of people told me I should and that he wasn't worth it. Of all the kids around, he was one of the most troublesome and moody. But looking back on all the times I was rejected by this little kid, it's forgotten by how things are now.

Now when I walk in, I get a big grin and an enthusiastic "hi noona!", accompanied by a hug and kiss on the cheek. And I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it's the best part of my day.

Love is definitely patient. The question is - how patient am I?

hrmph

Some thoughts:

1) Boys and hair - WHAT is it about boys that makes them refuse to cut their hair or groom themselves? I spent the better part of my college years hounding the Kim bros about their lack of shaving habits. Once that was a little more settled, then came Rich and his desire to be bushy. Now Jaac wants to not get a haircut till we leave for Turkey, Adodo wants to grow a bush as well...even Derek, I asked him on Saturday "hey when are you going to get a haircut?" to which he replied "I just got one!" Could've fooled me...

2) Entropy - I don't know where to begin. There is so much CRAP in my apt right now I don't even know where to begin cleaning. Stepping over boxes, shaking the dust off my feet, moving things from one side to the other but not actually putting things away...it's killing me. I need to buy some furniture and get things settled soon or else I will go crazy living in madness.

3) NY weather - SUCKS. It's so freaking hot and the fan helps but not really. I'm not getting my AC till I get back from Turkey, so...just cooking in the heat till then. I might just live at the dojang for the AC and wireless.

4) PowerAde is inferior to Gatorade. However, it is on sale and I'm poor.

5) Hope is a dangerous thing for the hopeful.

super duper fun!

If wishes were fishes...I'd have more weekends of fun!

Realization - I really ought to spend more time with friends. I'm still recuperating in terms of sleep, but I guess I should play lots before I get too old and crusty (and immobile, at this rate).

1) Moving into the apt - Jaac, Adodo, and Scottie came over on Friday and we had a furniture building party amidst Chinese food. I am reminded that Ikea furniture, while nice and cheap, is probably not meant to be taken apart and put together multiple times. I think they all hate my loft now, but it's sort of built, except one of the legs doesn't quite touch the floor. Awesome. Somehow the length of rope that connects the bottom of the ladder to one of the legs has to be at JUST the right length for everything to balance on the ground. The rope was put in too short, therefore, the loft is balanced on 3 legs and the ladder. I haven't actually done calculations (though I was tempted, a la 2.001 truss failures and 2.002/2.72 shear forces and bolt failures) but my gut says that this is not safe to sleep on until the weight is distributed on all 4 legs. Thoughts, oh engineers?

2) Quest for coolness - after some assemblage, the boys had to leave, but then Rich arrived. The first thing he noticed was that I lacked an air conditioner, when he started sweating bullets. I guess I just don't sweat as much, but it was indeed a nasty humid night, so we went out on a quest to buy a fan. One thing I love about NYC (and there are very few of these points, as my rantings will show) is that there are still stores and restaurants open at midnight. However, our quest was a bust, as we went to every single Duane Reade and Rite Aid in a 10 block span and found nothing. Boo...

3) Sparring prac - I'm down to 1 good limb. Re-aggravated my sprained wrist on Sr, banged my bubble-lumpy shin on Jen, and Jr cracked my other arm in half after repeated blocking incidents. Not a good day for my body...though it felt good to not totally die during the burnouts.

4) THE HAIRCUT - after 2 years of begging, nagging, commanding, negotiating, and LOSING - he finally gave in to the haircut. That's right - yaksok was honored. Korean rules. It went from Beatles style to ... well I don't know. Still long but at least cleaned up. It was quite the spectacle, with Jaac, Adodo, and Scott laughing outside of Supercuts when I literally had to fight him to drag him inside. The lady looked half confused and half amused as we each gave her different directions on how much to cut. Eesh, what is it with boys and not wanting to cut their hair??? Sue got the boys to spar harder by announcing that the loser would have to get a haircut...silly boys.

5) Dinner with Princeton alums - half of whom I didn't know, but it was good to see the Hat again, and it was his birthday. We had a good time, and I went down to the village like a normal 20-something. Apple Restaurant or something like that - I'd recommend it.

6) Chinatown with Grosse - one of my best high school friends is now in NY, and she had a craving to get boba in Chinatown, so we trekked out on Sunday for an afternoon of dirty hole-in-the-wall tea and buns and 99 cent stores. Awesome. And cheap. I got a bathmat that looks like footprints. =)

7) BBQ with the family up in Westchester. I love my cousins...it was fun galore. Except every time I got sleepy I'd get a 2 year old hand across my face with a big grin and a "WAKE UP!!!" Hahaha...gotta love Syd.

And now...it is back to the grind of the weekdays...

love actually

Did I mention I love this movie? This kid was so awesome. Total agony.

Daniel: So what's the problem, Sammy-o? Is it just Mum or is it something else? Maybe... school - are you being bullied? Or is it something worse? Can you give me any clues at all?
Sam: You really want to know?
Daniel: I really want to know.
Sam: Even though you won't be able to do anything to help?
Daniel: Even if that's the case, yeah.
Sam: OK. The truth is actually... I'm in love.
Daniel: Sorry?
Sam: I know I should be thinking about Mum all the time, and I am. But the truth is I'm in love and I was before she died, and there's nothing I can do about it.
Daniel: Aren't you a bit young to be in love?
Sam: No.
Daniel: Oh, OK, right. Well, I'm a little relieved.
Sam: Why?
Daniel: Well, you know - I thought it might be something worse.
Sam: [incredulous] Worse than the total agony of being in love?
Daniel: Oh. No, you're right. Yeah, total agony.

animal in you

Try it. Takes like 2 seconds. And comment on what animal you are! =)

Animal in you

Apparently I'm either a wild dog or a wolf. Popular opinion is that I'm a wild dog.

Wild dog
Genera and species: Canis Canidae
Collective Term: A tribe of wild dogs

Description
All those who meet the wild dog are struck by its energetic, demonstrative and restless behavior. This mid-sized individual differs from its domestic dog and wolf cousins in a number of notable ways: it is physically more powerful than the domestic dog, and its social structure differs dramatically from that of the lone wolf. It is difficult to describe the wild dog's personality without explaining it in terms of its pack of friends, for wild dogs don't see themselves as rugged individualists but rather as members of a social team that demands constant bonding and cooperation.

Thinking of bringing that new invention of yours to the market? Put a wild dog in charge. For no one can take an idea and run with it, better than this hardy individual. Its powers of endurance and canine enthusiasm make for such a powerful combination, that wild dogs are consistently amongst the highest wage earners. So why don't they simply run their own businesses and reap the rewards? Well for one thing, they don't possess the leadership and entrepreneurial talents of their canine cousins. Instead, by concentrating on relationship building and teamwork, wild dogs achieve the kind of job satisfaction that no salary can replace.

Wild dogs are highly principled individuals although they take a while before placing their trust in others. Employers should give them a lot of freedom since they do not perform well in structured environments. When it comes to stamina, they are without equal and are usually the first to arrive and the last to leave. Versatile in their skills, their sharp minds can adapt to almost any environment,

A wild dog will not overwhelm you with its beauty, nor can it match the suave Tom Cruise style of the wolf. Instead, its mating strategy is summarized in two words: persistence and endurance. By wearing down its quarry with an endless offering of flowers, cards, and romantic dinners, the prey eventually succumbs to sheer exhaustion. The wild dog is clearly a dog at heart and is willing to romp with the best of them but manages to maintain its dignity under the most demanding bedroom conditions.

Careers and Hobbies
Policework Engineer
Military Journalist
Academic

Running Writing
Horse riding Surfing the net

Famous Wild dogs
Martina Navratilova, Vladimir Lenin

at helen's request...

Rant #3 - the fragile male ego and how I have to feed it

It has often been said that men are dumb and women are evil. Well I've got news. Sometimes, yes, women are just plain evil and manipulative. And I have known a great many women who abuse this tendency, and my sympathy is with you, my brothers, who have to endure them. However, there are some times when the sheer lack of clue or the immediate defenses that go up and machismo that comes out just causes women to say - "there must be a better way".

As much as I may dislike the whole concept of being the woman behind the man - sometimes there's no choice. Believe it or not, it's a lot easier to be in the background with all the ideas, finding the correct way to phrase, negotiate, and bring them up in such a non-threatening way that causes said man to think that he thought of it on his own (therefore not getting threatened and allowing himself to see the merits of the truth you present) - and then he goes forth and carries out said idea as though it's the most brilliant thing in the world. Because he thought of it. Of course.

SO INEFFICIENT that this is the 'easiest' way. But it is. To get things done, you have to play by the rules of the game. And Rule #1 is don't hurt the ego. If you hurt the ego, that's it, game over. You lose. Depending on how badly the ego was bruised, you might not get to play again from anywhere from days to months.

I remember watching 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' where the mother says to the girl "the man may be the head...but the woman is the neck. And she can make the head turn any. way. she. wants."

I don't know, I don't see why it has to be so difficult to communicate. Though in this case I'm also working against other factors such as hierarchy, authority, culture, etc. I would hope that in marriage or whatever other male-female relationship there is, there can be a better mode of communication. But judging from what some of my married friends say, the male ego is still something to be aware of and proceed with caution with...I would think that if one was secure in himself and confident, that it would not be such an issue. And I will admit that women do need to be more uplifting to our brothers and encourage them to lead and be bold (another issue upon which I may expound upon at a later time).

I think it also surprises me sometimes, who has fragile egos that I have to tiptoe around and who doesn't...the unexpected often causes much frustration.

The macho thing I just don't understand at all. Just admit that something hurts. Admit that you need to stop sometimes. A real man can admit when he is wrong. I'll never forget one time in college, one of my friends really hurt my feelings because of something he said. When he realized this, he immediately asked if we could talk (in person), came over, and said "I'm so sorry that I sinned against you, will you please forgive me?" Granted, coming from a family where my father is incapable of admitting he's ever wrong and I know I've won an argument when he changes the subject - this floored me. But to this day I respect this friend because he was man enough to own up to when he was wrong, even if it was something as little as hurting my feelings. Actually, I think this happened on two occasions with two different people. But the principle is still the same - men who know and admit their weaknesses actually seem much stronger than those who don't.

only child

When I was growing up, I was so jealous of my friends who had siblings. Other than the fights they would have, I was jealous of the fact that they always had someone to play with. This is why I have such an obsession with board games (or games in general) - because I never had anyone to play them with growing up. It was just me and the Nintendo.

But as I see the other side, especially now having grown up a bit - siblings can be a curse sometimes. Particularly when you have irresponsible ones, where it's not a matter of personality conflict or closeness of space anymore, but real differences in life choices, and how under the name and ties of family, you get affected by each other.

I know that when I get even older, I will regret that my children won't have aunts and uncles from my side of the family. (Good God, I hope I don't marry an only child, that'd be sad). There are still a great many things I wish I had from the benefits having brothers and sisters bring. But that assumes the best of siblings, and that is often not the case. And for all the headaches and potential unnecessary disasters...I will thank God that I'm an only child. *sigh* I may bear the burden of caring for my parents alone when they reach old age, but somehow it may seem easier just know that the burden is solely mine rather than expecting someone to share it.

I still wish I had siblings. But for the risk that I'd end up with bad ones...if I had the chance (with the current state I'm in) - I'd stay an only.

gifts

Things people have given me in the last week which were extremely thoughtful and made me smile: (not that I expect to be given gifts, but despite the angst I have at some this week, I thought I would recognize and appreciate those who made thoughtful gestures).

1) B&N got me the most awesome shower head ever. The hilarious part is, I was looking at it online today and even went to Bed Bath and Beyond and decided not to buy it because I was too lazy to carry it home on the bus from work - but they had bought it last week because they knew I'd really like it and thought I would be too cheap to buy it for myself because it's too nice. They also threw in a big bottle of margarita mix. =)

2) Jaac got me a livestrong bracelet. I already have two packed away somewhere in boxes, but it was very thoughtful with meaning. Lance is the man. If he can beat cancer, maybe I can beat cancerous personalities.

3) Rich brought some stuff from Korea, including some new music! I love new Korean music. Funny thing is, it had a remix of Solid on it, and he had just been going berserk when he heard my workout mix that had the original Solid song on it and I had sent it to him. (One of the top 10 songs ever).

4) Sue brought Rich goldfish crackers because of his biking accident. HAHA. OK I shouldn't laugh...but going over handlebars to save a box of goldfish crackers...gotta love Mama Sue.

Yay for thoughtfulness!

3 types of people

There are 3 types of people out there. And given different types of situations, perhaps each of these 3 approaches has its time and place. However, it seems that some people lack courtesy, discretion, and a sense of place - noon-chi-ga-ubs-uh. (I wish Korean worked on my comp here).

1) People who wait to be invited. If you're a new person in a setting, or if you're a junior in a group of seniors (where you don't belong anyways) - it's common etiquette that you wait to be invited before joining into things. It's perfectly natural that you might want to be included, but it shouldn't be expected. For example, if I was a freshman, I wouldn't necessarily assume that I'm welcome to tag along with a group of seniors. If they so choose to invite me, then I would gladly go, but it would be entirely presumptuous to just show up. Take Richard. He's a 3rd dan and has been forever. Clearly he is proficient at Taekwondo. But when he comes to a new school, he lines up in the back, even behind the color belts, until someone tells him to line up in the front. I absolutely cannot stand when new black belts come in and assume that everyone is going to step aside for them. So it should be with rude, presumptuous color belts - they ought to make it clear what they want, but wait to be invited before intruding on other people's valuable time.

2) People who ask. This is the most direct, possibly most efficient, yet potentially uncomfortable when the asker is (again) presumptuous and has no sense (noon-chi) as to what is appropriate. It assumes an often false sense of camaraderie or closeness with the person being asked, which is often not the case. It's the people who ask "can I come?" when you're talking about a situation in which they don't belong. For example, if I'm hanging out with my friends who are a couple and they talk about going to the movies - I wouldn't ask if I could tag along, because I wouldn't want to put them in an uncomfortable situation where they might want to say no but would feel rude saying no. Or another example I heard of recently, if people are going on a trip to go train somewhere, and someone new just asking if they can come along. These people are more often than not what I call 'takers' - people who think about taking but rarely think about giving. People who feel a sense of entitlement for whatever delusional reason that they feel their existence merits. Which ironicially enough, doesn't merit much. But at least they ask, and if one is so bold to be asking and is able to take a rejection in stride, I suppose it's acceptable. But it still tends to put the person being asked in an awkward spot.

3) People who just do whatever they want, with utter disregard to anyone else. I cannot STAND these types of people. Particularly when their actions really do affect other people. I find it entirely presumptuous when a beginner plants herself in advanced classes and expects to be taught - one who kicks everyone in the thighs and crotch, has the audacity to CORRECT higher belts when she herself doesn't know what she's doing, and slows the class down because she has absolutely nothing to contribute. What is further maddening is the fact that said beginner is also one who leaves not only all of her sparring gear in a locker overnight (color belts are not allowed to have overnight lockers to begin with, and sparring gear should be aired out every night) - but takes a shower after class (splashing water EVERYWHERE) and then leaves all of her sweaty dirty underwear, belt, and uniform in the locker room as well. Was this person raised by WOLVES? Is that not totally disgusting?? Hang your underwear at HOME!

I have disliked a great many people in my lifetime, but I think she could be a winner on the scale of people whose existences bother me. It may take all types to make up a world, but all these types have to live together (and share a locker room).

Why can't people be considerate and have manners? And why is it that those who are higher up and whose opinions actually matter towards implementing changes around here refuse to see what's going on and do something about it...it's even more upsetting that somehow they only choose to see the enthusiastic hardworking side and seem to LIKE that. If only they knew the reason that everyone else can't stand her...well, if only their egos would let them listen, but I'm not allowed to speak any more truth around here.

End rant.

New rants on the horizon:

1) Delusional parents who think their kids are the best thing since sliced bread and feel that my life would be so enriched if I knew every detail why. To which I want to take up HJ's suggestion, take a marker and write "NOT SPECIAL" on their kids' foreheads because honestly, most of them aren't particularly extraordinary.

2) The inequity that is promotion tests.

3) The fragile male ego and how I have to feed it, despite the inefficiency that is being macho.

rebellion

Throwing up is such an unpleasant experience. I think that's why I avoided it for most of my life. My mom used to tell me when I was younger, that I would feel a lot better if I just threw up and got everything bad out of my system. But as with everything else, I'm not terribly responsible about enduring pain now to alleviate pain later. So for most of my life, whenever I needed to puke, I just kept it down. Sometimes torturous, but eventually the pain would pass.

Not last night. I'm not sure what it was - possibly a mixture of food poisoning, indigestion, a virus, or my body rebelling that I shocked it into an insane workout schedule - but there was some serious rebellion and I lost. Might I say - this is why I will never ever drink in excess (or order that weird soup from Sripaipai again). Because the thought of being bent over a toilet and the utter misery that follows...ugh.

Anyways, so as with all else when my body is beaten into rebellion, life had to come to a halt. I went home from work early, took a nap, ate some chicken soup, and rested. Mmph. Fridays are supposed to be my rest day - my body made an executive decision to make that Weds this week. Oh well. Tomorrow we begin again. Hopefully things stay down.

*sigh*

map

Though this was pretty nifty, thanks to lakim for the idea! Haha. Too bad tournaments happen to fall in the same states all the time, so there isn't always a whole lot of variety. (ie. been to Florida 4x already). I think I've been to all the states that are densely populated with Koreans except for MD/VA.



create your own personalized map of the USA

hrmm

"Thanks for coming in so much lately."

"Just promise me you won't cry. That's all I ask."

"I'll try. Are you going to be mean to me?"

"Yup. Take it or leave it."

**************
No relationship is ideal. But I guess I'll take it. Maybe there's a light at the end of my doghouse.

Thank God for friends. And family. And friends who are like family.

irony

My head:

So last Wednesday I ran my head into a tree. No joke, I still have some scarrage to prove it. Somehow I have this uncanny magnetic attraction between my head and objects. It's not even like things come AT my head - no - the annoying part is that my head tends to run into these objects. Like when I ran my head into the doorknob in Greece - that was just a classic example of all the series of events that could have gone wrong.

So Weds - my boss decides to be super cool and take us on a field trip to Fire Island. So our group gets a gourmet picnic lunch together, and we ship out. We're walking along the trail thing (which is basically a wooden deck created to make ONE path so you can't stray off of it - it even had rails/fences) - and then someone calls me on my cell. I'm in the middle of moving CHAOS with this stupid apartment (more on that later) so I fumble through my bag until I find it - only to find that I missed the call and it's an unknown number. GREAT.

In the meantime, my boss has decided that "wouldn't it be COOL if we just hopped the fence, went through the wilderness and set up lunch on the beach?" So everyone had turned around to head towards a hoppable part of the railing.

I had missed the call anyways and now I was behind, so I swiveled around to catch up and proceeded to run straight into a thick, low-hanging tree branch. Literally out of a cartoon, I'm suprised there weren't little stars or birds flying around my head. I was on the ground for awhile, and the first person to come back to me was Donna, who said "Christina, are you really hurt, or are you just being dramatic?"

This would have been funny except I was bleeding and already had a welt forming. Mmph. So she gave me her Nalgene which had half frozen water/ice in it - but actually that didn't help because Nalgenes are round on the sides and indented on the bottom - so there was no way to actually get sufficient surface area on the welt, on top of the fact that it was cut so it kind of hurt to stick something hard on it.

Oh, but there's more.

So then we proceed to hop the fence and follow the pack through the thicket. Yes, thicket. Thorns, shrubs, tall grass, and all. The people wearing shorts got their legs all scratched up, and if there was still skin left, the mosquitos ate them. Those bugs work FAST.

So here I am, trying to balance this Nalgene on my forehead, trying to wade my way through the thorns etc. when suddenly I realize that my foot is completely wet.

Yep - we're wading through a marsh. A muddy one at that.

So then it became "screw it, just walk as fast as you can and get through". Which is why everyone ended up scratched up and muddy with soaking feet by the time we got to the 'beach'.
Oh - but there's more.

So we spread out for the picnic, which turned out to be really good. And then my boss decides "wouldn't it be COOL if we walked along the water and saw where it took us?" So we go, and we hit this dock, and climb up the slats to have a nice view of whatever body of water we're looking at.

But then I started to feel sick - but there's no bathroom in the middle of nowhere, especially when you off-roaded it from the trail. So I decided to just follow this path and find my way back to where we started. I'll spare the details of the LONG walk back, but it was successful so at least something wasn't disastrous.

But on my way back, I walked about 2 min before I found the tree that had knocked me out. So the kicker is - if we had just kept following the path, we would have gotten to this dock, AND to the main beach.

Written on July 4th, when I am the only one in the office. Sure is dark in here...