why am I here?

So in the crunch of all this stress stress and more stress - I find myself questioning, why am I here?

Not that it does any good to second-guess the choices you've made, but sometimes it just can't be helped. When I look at my paycheck after all the taxes of living in NYC have taken out (it's so absolutely disgusting) and then look at my budget of living expenses and try to project what I can afford and what potentially buying property (however small a box I may own) - I get really depressed. And the thing is, I live pretty minimally. I was rebudgeting last night with my super duper awesome cousins, and they kept throwing out these categories for me to estimate.

"Food"

"Sure"

"Utilities"

"Got it"

"Miscellaneous"

"What's that?"

"You know, extra expenses per month. Shopping. Going out. That sort of thing."

"Well. All I do is go to work. Go to dojang. Teach. Train. Go home. Sleep. Start over. We already accounted for eating out in the food. And my medical bills out of my paycheck. I don't go to movies. I don't really go shopping anymore. In fact, my current lifestyle means I don't see anyone outside of the dojang, so I basically don't have friends. So I guess my miscellaneous expenses are zero. I guess that's good, right?"

"OK now I'm more depressed than when I found out what your paycheck was."

*sigh* I guess my life is pretty sad, in a way. I know I'm a 40-year-old trapped in a 24-year-old body, but...sometimes I wish I could just be a normal carefree mildly irresponsible 20-something, enjoying life and being stupid. Times like this I compare what my life is like to what it would have been had I taken the offer in Texas. Heck, I would have way more money coming in, way less money going out, and even for the same budget that I'm using for a studio here, I could probably get a whole ranch out there. True, I would have been unhappy in Texas and had no friends...but how is that much different than the way life is now? I've got some friends, but no time to spend with them and the unhappiness factor wouldn't be terribly different.

It's going to take some divine intervention for this apt thing to happen without me losing my sanity. The real estate market in NYC is ridiculous - and so are the ethics of the trade. But if God wants me to buy an apt, then He will provide one, despite all the money grubbing people out there. I really don't even want to go through all of this headache - but as another one of those painful life experiences that's been forced upon me...I guess I have no choice.

If things were just dandy with TKD, this would all be much more bearable. But seeing as how I'm on the brink if not tipped over the edge of crash and burn, sometimes it makes me wonder why I'm here at all.

There's a reason why only tourists buy those tacky I heart NY shirts.

iTunes

Sadly, I've fallen for the marketing strategy and have switched from Coke to Pepsi for the time being. It makes me feel so...suckered. I did exactly what they wanted me to...even though I still say Coke is WAY better than Pepsi. But the odds are good. I've bought 4 overpriced Pepsi's, and gotten 3 free iTunes.

When I finally picked out the songs I wanted, I realized...I have a really strange taste in music.

The Way You Move - Outkast
You Put This Love in My Heart - Keith Green
Send Me on My Way - Rusted Root

Or maybe I'm just diverse. =) (Probably the only diverse thing I can claim to be)

nerdy

15% scored higher (more nerdy), and
85% scored lower (less nerdy).

What does this mean? Your nerdiness is:

High-Level Nerd. You are definitely MIT material, apply now!!!.

Well...clearly MIT has already happened to me, haha.

dissatisfaction: part 1

I hate New York. New Yorkers. Eh. The whole beginnings of trying to buy an apt has left me realizing that...people are selfish and greedy and cutthroat...no one's really going to look out for your best interest except you. How cynical. I hate being cynical.

I think that the culmination of events as of late leaves me dissatisfied because I keep being told that I CAN have it all and then I'm seeing that I can't. I guess it's a matter of realizing that people will disappoint you and what they say isn't necessarily what they will do. And that sometimes what they say is just not true, intentional or not. (OK this whole paragraph was a jumble of a lot of poopy things, not just the whole apt fiasco).

But I will say this: real estate brokers suck. My respect level for them as people is about as low as my opinion of MIT Medical who misdiagnosed my chip fracture as a sprained finger. Well except medical staff were incompetant whereas brokers are self-serving ingenuine leeches, controlled by money.

Perhaps it's too much of a blanket statement for me to say, but I think what it comes down to is that true colors of NYC were revealed when I realized that you really can't trust anyone. Especially when you're dealing with money.

*sigh* Back to the drawing board. Growing up and being fiscally responsible really stinks. So does the real estate market on the Upper West Side.

not weird...simple

Well, the only good thing about having another crisis come up is that it sort of mended the last one. In the wise words of Liza..."men are simple. not weird, simple."

Being reamed out and insulted by people with whom I don't have a close relationship and who are not terribly accomplished or classy in a holistic view sure makes me see being reamed out by those I do respect in a new light. As Sue mentioned during the heights of the frustrations of trying to "raise" dodo - despite what kids put you through, there is unconditional love - I suppose in a strange way there's something about knowing that no matter how much you hurt and piss someone off, they'll still be on your side in the end (and say "I told you so" every chance they get). Very confused these days. But I guess you just have to take things as they come. So while these might be the worst 5 days in a foreign country coming up - at least the people who matter are back on my side.

"don't be scared of them. what are they going to do, beat you up? i'll sue them for you."

It made me smile. =)

제자

"do you want to be a 제자 of {blank}?!?! Do you want him sitting in your chair and screaming at you all the time??"

Well, if I'm not mistaken - I was yelled at plenty this week so THAT statement is a little hypocritical. Including being yelled at for "do you like being yelled at???"

Ugh. Well I guess if he's getting that worked up about it it's not like he doesn't care. And I guess it's the first time they called me or implied that I'm their 제자. But still, I'm torn between feelings of guilt for my tactlessness, dissatisfaction for the legitimate points that spurred all of this, indignance at the grossly unfair statements or implications, and general sadness over the hurtful things they said.

You know what's difficult? When you realize that you've hurt someone and you apologize for it, and they hurt you and either don't notice or don't care to notice. Reconciliation is much more difficult in a non-Christian context because there isn't a common example to look to as to how and why it should happen. *sigh*

How to be gracious without being steamrolled...

light OJ

Does anyone else notice that "Tropicana Light" has half the calories because it's basically watered down orange juice? On the side of the carton it says 42% juice. Now, I'm an OJ snob - I won't drink anything that's from concentrate, which basically rules out everything BUT Tropicana. In fact the whole reason I like it is because it's 100% juice. However, considering the skyrocketing prices of OJ these days, it's beyond me why anyone would buy Light OJ. Because if it's just watered down, then why not buy a regular carton and water it down yourself? Then you'd get twice as much bang for your buck...don't be fooled by all this low-carb dieting nonsense, people!

yay

Well yay for something. Despite the inherent suckiness these days, there are nuggets of goodness hidden to give me some reprieve.

-I did some productive stuff at work, which involved some thinking! Not much of it but...better than nothing. Yay me for figuring stuff out!

-My tutee got a B on her last physics quiz! (She was practically failing last semester). Sometimes God gives you little fruits for your labor and it helps keep you going.

-I led a great class and people almost threw up/seemed to really like it. So even if some wouldn't give a second thought if I left, my students would miss me. And I finally used the whistle the MIT club gave me when I left last year. It's totally awesome. =)

-I can sort of kick again! Felt decent today, even if I had to teach 2 classes in a row and they didn't even have the courtesy to ask me to cover for them.

-I opened this package knowing what was inside but not knowing that it would be PINK. Haha...I can't believe he picked something with PINK in it. I don't think I own anything that has any pastel girly pink in it. Haha it's a really nice sweatshirt, I just find it funny that he's unintentionally forcing me out of my box. I should take a picture wearing it. But definitely the thought that counts, yay for dongsengs!

freaking double standards

"this dojang is about more than just you"

OUCH. So the more I think about this statement, the more I'm realizing that I'm angry at the unfairness of the implication. For one thing, THEY'RE the ones who tell me I have to be selfish and put my goals first. THEY'RE the ones who promised that if I moved down here they would do everything in their power to put me on Team.

I'm tired of asking every day if they'll be there, and feeling guilty about asking - having nothing as a given, nothing I can count on 100%. Having the risk of flying solo in a competition in the back of my mind because plane tickets don't get booked until the week of.

And I understand full well that they may feel unappreciated at what I may have implied - because yes it's true, Sr did come to Greece, he did come to Colorado twice, flying in and out on redeyes to make it work. But if they're going to cite those examples to make me feel ungrateful when I clearly expressed my appreciation following each tournament - then I can just as easily cite how they didn't give Pan Ams a second thought, how Jr was supposed to come to Collegiate Trials last year and then backed out the week of - and assigned me to coach the people he was supposed to have coached, how 3 out of 4 Collegiate Nationals, they didn't make it to.

Clearly, if I thought the dojang was just about me and what I got out of it, I wouldn't be spending so much time teaching. I wouldn't be spending even more time THINKING about teaching and how to best help the kids and the programs. And it says something when almost every other instructor is trying to mimic the way I teach and the drills I do in THEIR classes.

So to make me feel selfish for being less than satisfied with what I have when everyone else who aspires to the same goals can count on so much more - that's not fair. I understand there is a business to run and that time spent on me may well be detracting from it. However - I'm not taking without giving and there isn't anything that I've been asked to do that I haven't done (and haven't done efficiently) and beyond that I've invested heavily and done more than I was asked. And from a business perspective, doesn't it help marketing to be able to claim to have produced an elite athlete? Is that not a credit to the school?

RAWR. I'm just tired. These headaches really need to go away.

lessons learned

1) What does it mean when someone burns a CD for you?

2) Reality sucks and the truth hurts.

I guess getting blown up at is better than getting ignored, but boy can one say a lot of hurtful things out of anger. I think what makes me sad is that what I said was unintentionally insulting/hurtful, whereas the things they said were quite intentional. Though I suppose the end result is the same. Particularly since we don't have an established mode of reconciliation, this doesn't bode well...*sigh*

3) Don't ever argue with lawyers - it's lose-lose.

Too many situations ending up cornered with "Does anything we've said not make sense?" and bullying into admitting that they're completely right and I'm completely wrong. Even when I'm not. *sigh*

4) HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAAC! and HAPPY DAY-AFTER-BIRTHDAY SUSAN! =)

note to self

Note to self: If you tell the sandbox you want it to be a beach, be prepared that it might tell you to leave and go find yourself a beach.

*sigh* Can I ever stay out of the doghouse for very long? Apparently not.

my sandbox

"it's like playing in a sandbox when there's a whole beach out there. i could go...but that doesn't change the sandbox"

"yeah but the sandbox is irrelevant. you know that's not going to change so it's not an issue. the only question that remains is...will going to play on a swingset in addition to your sandbox give you the equivalent learning experience to those kids who get the whole beach?"

Sometimes you don't know what you're missing out on until you see what other people have. 6 months ago, the sandbox looked awesome. All I wanted to do was go play in it, but I was too far away and it took too much effort to go visit the sandbox. As time went on, through the ups and downs, I got accustomed to the sandbox and it became comfortable. The work put in to maintain the sandbox wasn't so bad and the joy received from playing in it outweighed the work. Or at least, made it worth it to go to the sandbox every day. It was my sandbox - but it was lonely that sometimes I was the only one in it.

One day I left my sandbox to go play on the swings. And while I was there I saw that another kid put in the same amount of work to maintain the swings - but then instead of a sandbox, she got a beach. And other kids came to play with her at her beach - but ultimately, it was her beach.

And as a natural reaction - I was jealous. I envied her beach. Not because it was a nice beach, per se, but because I realized that I need a beach.

After some thought...I don't think the answer is that I want to go play on her beach. Or anyone else's beach, for that matter. There's a reason that I have my sandbox and I like it. The quality of sand is much higher than that at the beach, and I'm a sand-snob. But there's not much sand, and not too many people come to play with me.

If only my sandbox would become a beach. Filled with the same fine sand, only more of it. I need a beach...

spoken for - mmph

I punched so much today, my knuckles are actually bleeding. Not much, but still...for me that's a lot. We did everything I suck at today - punching, pushups, abs, football runs...wow I feel pathetic.

So a few of us went out to eat after workout - and as we sit down to order drinks, JH and Sab order beers and JH looks at J and asks if he wants one. J declines. So then JH turns to me and asks if I want a beer. And Sab says "no". "Christina doesn't drink".

Not that I wanted a beer - but what if I did? Isn't it my right as a 24 year old to order a beer if I so choose? And it's not like I don't drink on principle and he's helping stick up for my decision...it was more of a "she's a kid, she shouldn't drink, I have spoken" sort of thing. Man, he even bought Rich a beer in Greece - what is this Christina-standarding going on?? Mmph.

It's been awhile since I've been spoken for. I think I forgot what it felt like. I mean in the end he was right, and I enjoyed my Coke far more than I would have enjoyed a beer. But still...my inner mule tells me I should have insisted on drinking one just to make a point. (But of course I sat there mute and just took it - I'm not stupid).

cool

Songs of the moment that make me nolstagic:

Angel - Shaggy - dancing with Dan at the Cornell semiformal...despite the fact that I had just tried to shoot someone down saying I couldn't dance because my leg was broken. Haha...that was a fun trip

My Place - Nelly - driving the Budget truck down from Boston with Grace

Next Episode - Dr. Dre - Walking down some partying street in Montreal with Jeanie

Yeah - Usher - Helen dancing around my room at 93 Brookline

***************

You know what makes me feel good? When people get really angry and upset on your behalf when someone hurts or offends you. The reactions that come out of people are surprising sometimes, but it's really nice to know that someone would stick up for you without question.

***************

"There's no one out there you can't beat."

Almost as good as "장하다". Cool. Very cool.

high drama

OK Linda, this entry's for you - HIGH DRAMA. =) Haha...

I won! =) Even though my knee was purple, it was the most spectacular match of my life. Well, Sr disagrees and thinks it's just because I had the chip on my shoulder, but it was certainly one of the most dramatic.

First rd bye, Second rd 5-2 win over a girl from PA, and then the finals.

"Christinoona, did you win your battle? When's your next battle?"

Let me just say that I love my boys - if only I could bring the little kids to every tournament.

End of round 1: 4-4

I kicked her in the head once, she kicked me once. Both times, only one point popped up. They polled the judges and put the extra point up for her, but not for me. Jr was LIVID on the sidelines. And then Sr walked in the ring and started talking to the center ref - wow I guess times like this his composure and quiet mean-ness comes through. "If you want me to come in here and argue over every point, I will". Meanwhile, Jr gives the stare of death from the side. Still, the score stood at 4-3 with 5 seconds left and I slammed a badachagi and cheered huge. 4-4 tie.

End of round 2: 5-5

So much checking. Just trying to bait each other, practically for half this round. Finally she went, I countered, bam 5-5. More checking, drawing, motioning, time runs out. Match has to go to sudden death. I come back to the chair and Sr starts talking like mad. Suddenly he grins. "This is so exciting! This is what we live for!" To which I say "um, no. This is what YOU live for!" He says he hesitated when he said this, but we came up with a plan - the hoojin badachagi, the one kick that hurts my knee. We'd talked about it before Team Trials as the "kamikaze badachagi" but it had been in jest. This time he was serious. Meanwhile Jr just can't contain himself on the side. I love having them both there.

Sudden death: 1 minute on the clock, whoever scores the first point wins. Trip to Germany is on the line, but more than that it's about what all that pressure comes down to. When it came down to it, all I heard was "come on, sparky noona!" from Derek on the side, and that made me focus. I love my boys, they're awesome.

Check, check, more checking. I attack off the line and miss and quickly reset. Totally thought she would have countered that, phew. She tries to time me off my check, I slide back and kick the backside. The WS crowd jumps to their feet, Sr jumps out of his chair, Jr jumps up and shouts "YES!!!" as loud as he's every shouted (or so he claims) - meanwhile I'm jumping up and down like a maniac cheering and she's on the ground with her hands over her head. The refs were slow registering that point, but if anything the collective effect couldn't be denied.

That was a GREAT match and I have to hand it to her, she's one fierce competitor. At the end of the day, we're still friends and she was so gracious despite disappointment that I think that's something I can learn from. Takes two good competitors to have a great match and she is indeed a great athlete.

After we bowed out, I realized I couldn't walk on my knee - it really was a kamikaze kick. I hobbled back to Sr and got me a big hug. Yay, me. And then he realized my knee was hurting and helped me hobble off, but they made us come back for the medals.

I think my lasting memory would be standing there in the ring with all my crap on, trying to stay off my knee when Jr comes running in with a half falling apart plastic bag and a chunk of ice. It looked like someone had broken icicles off the doorway from outside or something, at that hour there weren't any more medics. In the absence of medical supplies, he made a valiant attempt at tying this bag of "ice" to my knee (but it totally failed). I found it very strange but kind of cool - like, you're Sab you're supposed to just stand there and grunt and yell at me, not kneel on the ground and tie ice to my leg and be worried. Yeah I guess they do care quite a bit more than they're willing to show, but when they don't think about it, and sometimes it comes out. As he tied it, he said "jang-hah-dah". I think I'll remember that moment for the rest of my life. Right up there with how my mom danced around the mailbox when I got into MIT. There are some times when you see the heart of people as they are, and those stand out in my memory.

For all I went through in the last 2 months with my knee and with Sabs and with everything else - and for the disappointment that seemed to be the end from Team Trials - Saturday was redemption.

WS had a great showing, and I got to coach Derek who was super cute and fought awesome. It was really funny seeing Sab get so nervous and hold his breath waiting on the side for him to fight. Funny how someone so stoic and scary can become...a nervous parent. Hahaha. I seriously thought he was going to come and boot me out of the coach's chair at any minute, but he stayed composed throughout the matches. Coaching him made me all nostalgic since my first tournament was when I was a blue belt and I also took gold in forms and bronze in sparring. He won his first match 8-1 or something like that - he just went in there firing and kept kicking. I was so proud of him, he did great! He fought this really good kid second round and lost by a lot, but totally stayed with him and tried to do the things I said, so that was really cool. Great attitude, it was a really cool experience to coach my coach's son. And so ridiculously cute to see Dylan cheer and get excited for his hyung-ah and give him a big fat hug when he was done.

In general I was really proud of my kids, and though some of them lost (and some of them lost rather badly) they still fought hard and learned from the experience so hopefully we'll have good ground to work up from. There is much potential to be realized here...and I do love to bring potential to realization. =)

2.5 weeks till Germany!