freaking double standards

"this dojang is about more than just you"

OUCH. So the more I think about this statement, the more I'm realizing that I'm angry at the unfairness of the implication. For one thing, THEY'RE the ones who tell me I have to be selfish and put my goals first. THEY'RE the ones who promised that if I moved down here they would do everything in their power to put me on Team.

I'm tired of asking every day if they'll be there, and feeling guilty about asking - having nothing as a given, nothing I can count on 100%. Having the risk of flying solo in a competition in the back of my mind because plane tickets don't get booked until the week of.

And I understand full well that they may feel unappreciated at what I may have implied - because yes it's true, Sr did come to Greece, he did come to Colorado twice, flying in and out on redeyes to make it work. But if they're going to cite those examples to make me feel ungrateful when I clearly expressed my appreciation following each tournament - then I can just as easily cite how they didn't give Pan Ams a second thought, how Jr was supposed to come to Collegiate Trials last year and then backed out the week of - and assigned me to coach the people he was supposed to have coached, how 3 out of 4 Collegiate Nationals, they didn't make it to.

Clearly, if I thought the dojang was just about me and what I got out of it, I wouldn't be spending so much time teaching. I wouldn't be spending even more time THINKING about teaching and how to best help the kids and the programs. And it says something when almost every other instructor is trying to mimic the way I teach and the drills I do in THEIR classes.

So to make me feel selfish for being less than satisfied with what I have when everyone else who aspires to the same goals can count on so much more - that's not fair. I understand there is a business to run and that time spent on me may well be detracting from it. However - I'm not taking without giving and there isn't anything that I've been asked to do that I haven't done (and haven't done efficiently) and beyond that I've invested heavily and done more than I was asked. And from a business perspective, doesn't it help marketing to be able to claim to have produced an elite athlete? Is that not a credit to the school?

RAWR. I'm just tired. These headaches really need to go away.