why am I here?

So in the crunch of all this stress stress and more stress - I find myself questioning, why am I here?

Not that it does any good to second-guess the choices you've made, but sometimes it just can't be helped. When I look at my paycheck after all the taxes of living in NYC have taken out (it's so absolutely disgusting) and then look at my budget of living expenses and try to project what I can afford and what potentially buying property (however small a box I may own) - I get really depressed. And the thing is, I live pretty minimally. I was rebudgeting last night with my super duper awesome cousins, and they kept throwing out these categories for me to estimate.

"Food"

"Sure"

"Utilities"

"Got it"

"Miscellaneous"

"What's that?"

"You know, extra expenses per month. Shopping. Going out. That sort of thing."

"Well. All I do is go to work. Go to dojang. Teach. Train. Go home. Sleep. Start over. We already accounted for eating out in the food. And my medical bills out of my paycheck. I don't go to movies. I don't really go shopping anymore. In fact, my current lifestyle means I don't see anyone outside of the dojang, so I basically don't have friends. So I guess my miscellaneous expenses are zero. I guess that's good, right?"

"OK now I'm more depressed than when I found out what your paycheck was."

*sigh* I guess my life is pretty sad, in a way. I know I'm a 40-year-old trapped in a 24-year-old body, but...sometimes I wish I could just be a normal carefree mildly irresponsible 20-something, enjoying life and being stupid. Times like this I compare what my life is like to what it would have been had I taken the offer in Texas. Heck, I would have way more money coming in, way less money going out, and even for the same budget that I'm using for a studio here, I could probably get a whole ranch out there. True, I would have been unhappy in Texas and had no friends...but how is that much different than the way life is now? I've got some friends, but no time to spend with them and the unhappiness factor wouldn't be terribly different.

It's going to take some divine intervention for this apt thing to happen without me losing my sanity. The real estate market in NYC is ridiculous - and so are the ethics of the trade. But if God wants me to buy an apt, then He will provide one, despite all the money grubbing people out there. I really don't even want to go through all of this headache - but as another one of those painful life experiences that's been forced upon me...I guess I have no choice.

If things were just dandy with TKD, this would all be much more bearable. But seeing as how I'm on the brink if not tipped over the edge of crash and burn, sometimes it makes me wonder why I'm here at all.

There's a reason why only tourists buy those tacky I heart NY shirts.