different

Back to the land of no sleep. How can I possibly average <6hrs/night? This is probably why I'm sick. Rawr sick. At least it gives me an excuse not to get trashed tonight since I'm so drugged up on Sudafed. Yay not trashed.

Liza is super duper awesome. I didn't realize how much I missed training with her until now. We had dinner and it was so good to catch up, though I talk to her on IM all day every day at work so it's not like we were totally out of touch or anything. But still, it's good to know that with some friends, things don't change with distance.

She said something interesting which I've been mulling over since then...that sometimes when you make a decision to make a change (in my case, moving from Boston to NY), you don't really realize what you're losing because you're looking at what you're gaining. And while I certainly don't regret my decision, and God knows Sabs chew me out enough about not living in the past and moving forward and all that - I'm realizing more and more what I had in Boston that I sorely lack here. Part of it is just natural - college (or collegiate, since undergrad life was almost 3 years ago) is a very unique time in life. Quite possibly the best 4 (or 6 in my case) years of my life though I won't depress myself by reminding myself that they're over. But everyone has to graduate and move on sometime, and life after college really isn't ever the same. Community isn't right there in your face, knocking on your door all the time with a care package.

Perhaps it's because the honeymoon stage is over and I'm trying to deal with the growing pains of my new community, or because I still haven't found a church that I'm comfortable with...whatever it is, this Christmas season made me realize how much I had in Boston that perhaps I didn't appreciate enough until it was gone.

It was little things that reminded me...Christmas cards especially. Nathan and John sent me one and I remembered d-crew and how much I missed just socializing and just laughing all the time. Ryan's "present" made me laugh, but his card made me remember all those times he would voluntarily bring 2 hogus to the ACF retreats when I had a tournament coming up so that I could kick him. And how even though I bruised his ribs through the hogus, he sucked it up and never said anything until his face kind of turned green and I made him stop. He wrote "come back and kick me!" and I realized that I had some really loyal hubae's who would volunteer to help me before I even asked. How Erica would sit there with a stopwatch and just time me as I jumped rope, and how she sent me an inspirational message every day for a month before Collegiate Worlds. How I could always count on Dan or Chinedum to be there when it counted. How Liza pulls me up by the ponytail when I'm sucking wind and makes me stand up. All those hours that Rich held for me and sparred with me...and how he'd put on his headgear and just charge at me so I could get practice kicking to the head for real. All the good luck cards the MIT club made for the tournaments I went to without them, and how they worked so hard and believed me when I believed in them. All the late night conversations with Margaret and how I could talk with her forever. The "we love you sparky" card that the fsgl's made when I was really down about jobsearching, and how they came over to my apt. with flowers on mother's day. How Alex punted a project to let me cry on his shoulder when I had the big meltdown senior year, and how he was angry on my behalf when that guy was mean to me. Being snowed in with Aimee and Helen and watching 22 episodes of Friends and eating a lot of dduk-gook, and the birthday party that they threw for me and Peter when everyone came dressed up like us - I'll never forget Helen parading around in 3 layers of Nike and Danny wearing a white t-shirt with the "forgive" circle taped on the front. The staff team and seeing the fruits of ministry...for the kingdom of God, and the glory of Peter! And underneath it all, for some reason that I don't even know, I miss Peter. How he sat in the dark room humming hymns when I was deathly ill and half delirious listening to me moan about how I wanted to die. I still remember how much my head was pounding and how high my fever was and whatever was eating at my stomach that wouldn't let me take medicine...and how in that sucky utter misery he stayed with me and when he put his hand on my forehead and prayed for me, I was able to sleep...

When I think about it...I had some pretty awesome friends. Well, still have in some cases. But that's what I left behind without really looking back...until now.

Everyone's gotta move on some time. And it's only natural that adjustment is hard. I guess it's all the more difficult because it seemed like such a match made in heaven from the get-go. It doesn't mean that people here haven't cared for me in their own way. James does scrape me off the floor and give pep talks so Sabs can just mow me over some more. Dodo and Scott cheer from the sidelines. Well, when Dodo's not in a poopy mood but that's another story. Daniel and Dylan give hugs and kisses. Mama Sue keeps me fed and hooks me up with good medical care. Sr did invite me over for Thanksgiving. Jr did let me cry about my knee when I hurt it. And when the doc first told me it might be torn. And when he told me for sure it was torn. Huh, for someone who loves to make me cry and hates it when it happens, he actually takes it more than I thought he did. So I guess underneath their stoic exteriors, they have hearts that beat.

The move from friends to family was something that I was looking for and something that I think I need - but I guess it's just taking some getting used to. But it's apples and oranges I guess. You can compare them up to a point, but in the end, they're just two different things.

christmas

I went home with a half-full suitcase. And came back with two. I can't believe my mom managed to stuff a VCR in there. Padded by 김, no less. (That's seaweed). I think the frozen 불고기 (meat) was a little too much - when I unpacked it there was a dent in the VCR.

(I got my parents a DVD/VCR combo for Christmas so we had an extra VCR lying around...and our apt. is sorely lacking a VCR that wasn't from the early 90's - the last time I made match tapes they came out with all these lines across them.)

So despite my efforts to not ask for anything for Christmas, they managed to insist on paying for new clothes and such. I think it's all a part of my mom's secret plan to turn me into a girl. Well, it's no secret because clearly the sole purpose of that is for the whole Korean guy thing. So for the first time in my life, I went outlet shopping and didn't buy a thing from Nike and Adidas. And now I own some black shoes, a wool coat, and amongst other things - a pink sweater. Well, it's not totally girly pink - it's kind of dark pink - but it's still...PINK.

I guess Christmas in the present-realm was quite successful. I love the holidays, because it's a good excuse to get people gifts. It's like one big challenge, to find people things that they would like but wouldn't necessarily buy for themselves.

Most notable reactions:

Sydney (my 18 month-old niece) - I got her this Disney electric toothbrush thing with a Toy Story refill head. Yeah, who knew that a little kid would want a toothbrush, but that's the tip I got so I went ahead and bought it. She rips it open, grins and toddles around the house exclaiming "brush! your! teeth!" (In slightly slurred not-quite-two-year-old speech).

Sab Sr - well...it got him to break the silence. We'll see what transpires this week.

I walked into the apt. today (more like, staggered with the bags) to find a package from Rich. I find it really funny that a) he didn't take any of the price tags off of anything and b) there were two different shirts in the package, one size large and one size small (the irony is, I wear a medium). But indeed it was the thought that counts and it was quite thoughtful.

And Ryan Huangm, you're so dead!! Hahaha...I actually found it kind of funny. Some book, "Guide to your Love Life" or something like that. But what was more funny was that he sent an "I'm sorry" card with it. Totally made my day last week.

I guess the next thing on the agenda is this whole New Year's in Times Sq business. *sigh* More alcohol. Ick. I hate alcohol.

realizations of the day

Alcohol is bad.

It's very difficult to bear your parents' burdens.

I didn't really get to see any of my friends while I was at home.

Rarely have I left home more stressed than when I came. Guess that's what getting older is all about. There's no such thing as a vacation. Just work, in different forms.

I guess this isn't home anymore.

이예해줄 사람이 있었으면...
이새상에서 사라가는것이 웨 그렇게 힘이들을까?
웨러워.

my relationship with my dad in a nutshell

Every time we talk on the phone - which used to be an average of twice a week - my dad would end the conversation with "and stop eating at McDonald's, it makes you fat".

Now, the only time I really eat at McDonald's is when I'm on the road between Boston and NY, or coming back from a tournament and that's the only place we can stop. In fact, I think the last time I ate at McDonald's was over the summer, on the drive down to NY with my Budget truck and Grace. That was August.

BUT, apparently there isn't anything good to nag about so it always comes back to this McDonald's thing. So on Sunday after my dad and I went to do the homeless feeding thing, he and his friends always go to eat breakfast and have a meeting about their wheelchair foundation thing together. And every week, they meet at: McDonald's.

(Is anyone else seeing the irony here??)

So he takes me TO McDonald's, orders for me, and then when we sit down to eat, proceeds to tell me "stop eating at McDonald's, it makes you fat".

That pretty much sums up my relationship with my dad.

WHY ARE ALL THE KOREAN MEN IN MY LIFE SO DIFFICULT???

I swear, I'm going to launch a pre-emptive strike on Rich one of these days. But I should be getting crusty before he does. My boys will one day turn into difficult crusty old korean men...*sigh* I hope I'm dead by then.

Freaking McDonald's...it's so retarded I actually find it funny.

realizations and resolutions

I forgot that Pastor John preaches really long sermons. Particularly around the holidays when there's one one service therefore no time limit. Today's sermon: 1 hour 10 minutes.

I think I lost him after the 20 min intro...sad. But what I thoroughly enjoyed today was the worship - and as much as the hymns and classical accompaniment at Redeemer is growing on me...there's nothing like some good old-fashioned Asian praise music. I really need to find a Korean church. *sigh*

I had lunch with HyeJu today. She said something interesting...my relationship with my parents would be much better if I just had a boyfriend. (Well, one that they approved of, of course). But seriously - all the conflict around here just boils down to variations on a theme (as dpark would say). If my dad wasn't proud of my Taekwondo accomplishments, he wouldn't have a 24x36 blown up picture of my knockout kick framed and hung. But in the end it's just about being worried that I'm not going to get married and live happily ever after (and we may or may not have differing views on happiness) - and that x, y, or z is going to stand in the way. So perhaps I ought to be more actively searching...though I still stick by my theory that if we all talked more to God, things would progress much more than just discussing amongst ourselves.

My dad is a good man. Waking up at 6am to go feed the homeless with him this morning was sure difficult - but it was cool seeing the ministry and the hearts that served.

New Years' Resolutions, an ongoing list:

*I will take my vitamins every day.
*I will find a Korean church in NY that I can commit to attending and being a part of.
*I will call my parents regularly and be patient in listening to them.
*I will visit home more than once.
*I will make a concerted effort to meet more people. In particular (*sigh*) Korean male people.

sun and pluto

Next year I think I'm going to come home and visit at some random time, when there are no holidays. Airports are just insane this time of year - and people definitely aren't feeling goodwill to man when they're cranky and cramped and tired.

California is warm. Very warm. If my knee wasn't still cramped I'd go running on the beach. In shorts.

*sigh* Days like this it makes me wonder why I moved to NY. When I could be here where it's warm, try to mediate between my parents' bickering and take care of them, not worry about tearing my knees, not have all this drama with Sabs, not be living in a box and wading through tourists every day to get to the subway, not be paying my life away in taxes...

So if I might make an analogy (which is really quite disgusting so don't visualize too much). The crap hit the fan. Someone comes along who you would hope would turn it off - and they turn the setting from low to high and walk away. Whether that was done on purpose or by mistake is irrelevant at that very moment, because it's you who's stuck in this vale of ... crap ... and having to try and deal with it all at once. And crap is gross. It smells. In the aftermath, you may be able to look back and acknowledge that maybe they accidentally hit the wrong button and it wasn't intentional - but the effect isn't determined by intention. So when you're standing there in all this crap and they ask everyone around you "why is she standing there in all this crap? and why doesn't she understand that we care?" - you just kind of want to sit down and throw your hands up. Except then you'd be sitting in a lot of crap and that kind of sucks.

Reconciliation is a hard thing. Particularly when you're stubborn as mules. All three of us are - we're Korean, it's in our blood. That's why our poor country has even survived up until now. I see the fine line between having to concede and compromise, and giving in and being walked all over. I think there are times that I have to stand my ground and force them to hear me out - though in a twisted way, that happened this time because I went silent. Maybe silence is their language, I don't know. Languages of love, I know - as if we didn't do enough of that in ACF to know that that's the root of most conflicts. They can sepak 5-6 different languages - they don't have to speak mine, but it would sure help a lot if they could attempt to understand it.

We're so different, it's kind of ridiculous. If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, they're from the Sun and I'm from Pluto. One day if I ever get around to writing it, that will be the title of my book. Perhaps it'll be made into a major motion picture. And then I'll give the DVD to Sr and he'll understand, because what got through to him in the end was his Christmas present: Searching for Bobby Fischer.

There's hope. It's small, but it's there. And that's what Christmas is about: hope.

crusty old korean men

Crusty. Old. Korean. Men.

That's all there is to it. Well, one is crustier than the other, by far. But still. Unwilling to listen and too stubborn to say anything besides "we're right and you're wrong".

*sigh*

it made me think

TEN Random Things About Me
10. I have worn my hair down (ie. not in a ponytail) once (in public) in the last month.
9. I will only use 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner because I consider separate ones to be entirely inefficient uses of shower time.
8. I have not watched, nor do I have any desire to watch The Lord of the Rings.
7. When I was in elementary school, I wanted to be an author when I grew up.
6. Before I was 20, I had never broken a bone or had a serious injury...
5. I anticipate spending $1500 in medical co-pays alone in the year 2005
4. The first Korean song I ever listened to was 난아라요 by Seotaiji (1990)
3. The best class I took at MIT was 5.12 Organic Chemistry
2. The first person I met at MIT was Jae Kim.
1. It takes me at least 20 minutes to put my contacts in on the days that I wear them.

NINE Places I've Visited (well, the 9 most recent)
9. Orlando, Florida (7/03)
8. Daegu, South Korea (8/03)
7. Seattle, Washington (11/03)
6. Tampa, Florida (2/04)
5. Kansas City, Missouri (4/04)
4. Patras, Greece (6/04)
3. Mexico City, Mexico (10/04)
2. Colorado Springs, Colorado (11/04, 10/04)
1. Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic (11/04)

EIGHT Things I want to do before I die
8. go on a missions trip
7. make national team and go to World Championships
6. find the male me
5. have some little me's
4. have a meaningful career
3. own my own dojang
2. love
1. be loved

SEVEN Ways to win my heart
7. be Korean. Well OK maybe not so PC to say, but everyone knows it's true...but to be a little more equal opportunity see #6
6. speak Korean well
5. make me laugh
4. be good with children
3. kick my ass
2. be expressive
1. love Jesus

SIX Things I believe in
6. 한국 사람이 최고야 (half kidding, haha)
5. the male me is somewhere out there
4. the power of prayer
3. i CAN have it all
2. the influence of a coach
1. Jesus (John 3:16)

FIVE Things I'm afraid of
5. disappointment
4. Sabs
3. surgery
2. tearing my knee for real
1. failure

FOUR of my Favorite Items in my bedroom
4. the B team first place trophy that Chi, Cecile, and Margaret gave to me two years ago when they won at Princeton.
3. the goodbye book the MIT club made for me when I left Boston
2. the "good luck sparky" card Erica made for me for Pan Ams when I was sad that I'd be going alone.
1. the "we love you sparky" card that fsgl's made for me last year when I had no job offers and I found out I had a stress fracture in my shin.

THREE Things I do everyday
3. wonder why I'm here
2. take drugs
1. ice my knee

TWO Things I am trying not to do right now
2. eat
1. cave

ONE Person I want to see right now
1. Well, two. But they shared the same egg at one point so maybe that counts. I do but I don't. But I will not cave.

feet like deer. take me away.

The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
He enables me to go on the heights
-Habbakuk 3:19

I'm assuming deer have healthy knees.

When it's all said and done (not that anything's been said nor done...and not that "it" has clearly been defined) - I can say that one thing I will take away is that you will definitely remember who was there for you and who wasn't. Some surprising, some not.

"He knows you disapprove of him. He knows you think he's weak. But he's not weak. He's decent. And if you or Bruce or anyone tries to beat that out of him, I swear to God I'll take him away." -Searching for Bobby Fischer

Every time I want to cave, I just remember sitting in that office staring at my hands. I really ought to use more lotion, they're quite dry. I think that's the first time that I've actually been angry at them - like, internally indignant that they're not right. Of course it hurts and I took things personally - but there was a part of me that just wanted to yell at him and tell him he was wrong, that he was a jerk. But of course the good Korean in me just kept picking at my sweater sleeves.

Adolfo's a good kid. He tries. Even if he's just a kid.

"You know they treat you different than anyone else in the dojang right?"

"Yeah, like crap"

"No really - like they come for you. And they talk to you."

"It's because I'm Korean"

"A is Korean"

"But he's...A. He doesn't really talk."

"B is Korean"

"But he's not good"

"C is Korean"

"He's never here"

"You know what I mean"

"You know why they talk to me? Because I talk to them. Because I make all the effort. And see what happens when I stop making effort? It dies."

It does me no good to "know" that they care - in some ambiguous we're-going-to-show-everyone-except-you sort of way. That means nothing.

I'll believe it when I see it.

Maybe I don't need to go anymore. It'd be a lie to say I don't need them, but I'm tired of all this. Then again, they're so dense that my return to the dojang will just make them assume everything is fine. And everything's not fine.

Feet like a deer. Take me away.

strike day #4

You know...life without Taekwondo ain't half bad. It's very strange, having all this time on my hands (and still not getting enough sleep) - but it's not as miserable as I thought it would be. Well no, scratch that, it's been pretty miserable, but not as a result of sitting on my butt doing nothing. Tonight, I went to the JCC right after work and ran, lifted, did Gerry's mini-squat-exercises-of-death, sidekicks, knee-ups, side-to-sides, and even shadow sparred. Yay me! My knee is going to be strong if it kills me. And with no thanks to anyone but Gerry. I wonder if he'd want to come to Team Trials and sit in my chair.

chrim came to town with the boyfriend, and we met up for dinner with jjcho - otherwise known as cgitw (cutest girl in the world). It was tonight I realized - I need to get out more. I was just talking to Rich today about how I'm such a loser homebody and I'm so tired after work that I'd rather just go home and sit in front of the tv by myself than go out with people. But I forced myself to go out, since I haven't seen crhim in 2 years - and it was totally worth it. I miss old friends. (A common theme these days). MIT may have sucked in a lot of ways but...there's something about alums getting together. You just can't escape the nerdiness. We were getting far too excited discussing polymer chemistry used for making artificial arteries...the boyfriend is in dental school, and said something about "calculus on the teeth" and I couldn't help blurting out "um, you mean like integrals?" HAHAHA...I'm a dork.

But yeah - there's so much more to the city than my daily routine. And downtown is actually kind of cool in the "wow this is disturbing in a 정신없어 sort of way". Lots of young people, cheap food, strange sights, far too loud and smoky and hectic. I've become too used to the rich old people on the upper west side, diners and restaurants...though I guess I'm internally like 40 and old anyways. (Reminds of when I used to tell my best friend in college that she was a 40 year old trapped in a 20 year old's body because she listened to opera instead of pop music).

I'm aging before my time. When did I become crusty and old? I need to be 24. I used to like meeting new people and getting to know them. Now it seems like so much work. Eh.

Strike day #4 complete. Haven't caved yet. I wonder if they noticed. Well...it's not in my court ever since the ball was taken away from me and thrown at my head and I can't find where it bounced off to because my head still hurts. Man...training alone can be kind of hard.

merry christmas to me

Susan (and Danny and Peter) ROCK! Ironically, after my fiasco with trying to purchase an umbrella this morning, I got home tonight to find a package waiting for me: the Unflippable, Unflappable, Unleakable GustBuster Umbrella.

Dude. This thing is so awesome it has TWO straps to buckle it together.

Umbrellas have been the bane of my existence since I moved to this forsaken city. I've already gone through 3 of them, and not because I've lost any, either. The tall buildings create these unpredictable wind tunnels and when it pours, nothing is dry, and there's just too much stress on the rods and they snap. I've sloshed in to work so many days completely soaked and having to lay out everything in my bag out on my desk to dry. It was pretty pathetic, and I've been in search of a good umbrella.

But NO MORE!

Thanks guys...you made my day. Yay super cool umbrella!

it's just me against the world

"it's that time of year
Christmas time is here
and with the blessings from above
God sends you his love and everything's ok
Merry Christmas Happy holidays"

Inspired by Linda's post awhile back, I downloaded 'N Sync's "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays" last night. Grace (my roommate) made fun of me, but hey...Mariah's overplayed by radio stations everywhere. This morning as I was playing it on repeat, I realized why I like this song - it could totally be Korean. It reminds of SM Town's "Jingle Bells" remix in...1999? Who's with me on this?

Everything's not ok, but whatever. At least they're in tune.

Good: We're getting a piano! 6J is moving and giving away their really old but play-able piano. Just when I needed a new hobby, excellent.
Bad: We spent a half hour+ trying to get it into the apt. and failed. The hallway is too narrow by the doorway, and we broke the dolly-esque thing that was supporting it. Ball bearings everywhere - it was like a 2.72 problem on crack gone wrong. Poor piano, I hope it's not broken...

Good: I tried to be nice and support independent business owners today as a tribute to my parents. (Not that they deserve any tributes these days, but I'm way too soft and no matter how hard I try to be spiteful I just can't. Rawr me). So I went to this small shoe shine place outside the gym this morning to buy an umbrella.
Bad: The guy hovers over my shoulder, I pick one out, we go to the register and I ask if he takes credit card. They don't. It costs $25 and I only have $23 in my wallet. And he wasn't even nice about it. No "I'm sorry, we don't take plastic", no smile, no nothing. If he had just been nice, I would have hiked 2 blocks over to the ATM and pulled out cash to buy it - but forget it. I'll get the exact same product cheaper at a department store.

Good: I got off the train and the bus came within 10 minutes.
Bad: About 1/3 of the way to work, there's a stupid oil truck thing taking up most of the road in a small street. The bus driver stops, pulls out a paper and starts reading. We twiddle our thumbs waiting for the guy to move. He doesn't. After awhile, I get off the bus and start walking. 3 blocks later, I see the bus pass me by. It was a cold day to walk to work.

Observations as of late:
*I miss my Boston friends.
*I'm getting sick.
*Sleeping <5 hrs/night repeatedly is bad.
*Rich is a good kid.
*Cursing can be therapeutic sometimes.
*It's very hard to write Christmas cards to people you're upset at.
*Tuna Helper is white people's ramen. It's instant, it's easy, so good, but so bad for you.

it's so true

no more of their sh*t. i'm holding out.

try rowing that thing alone.

i quit

"Don't talk the talk if you can't walk the walk"

EXCUSE ME? WHO loves this dojang and gives more of herself to it than anyone else who's not paid to be there? Don't give me that, because don't say that you care if you're not going to show it. Don't accuse me of being a hypocrite and then turn around and be one yourself.

"We are not here to create a dojang full of dependent people."

Last I checked, that's what a community IS. Fine, you want me to be self-reliant? You want to make me feel like an incompetant wuss who hasn't done anything? FINE. F*ck you all. I quit. If you think I'm that weak, fine, I'll be that weak. Have fun watching someone else make Team. Have fun finding someone else to head the kids program. Have fun finding someone else to do all your crapwork. Have fun finding someone else to take all your abuse and like it.

it's just a game

"Hey, you know, you don't have to do this anymore. You could give it up and that's alright with me...in fact...I want you to."

"How could I do that?'

"What do you mean? You just do it."

"But I have to win."

"No, that's what I'm saying. You don't."

"But you told me I did."

"Well, I'm telling you now that you don't."

"But I do...I do."

"Why?"

"Because I have to."

"Why? It doesn't mean anything. It's just a game."

"No. It isn't."

-Searching for Bobby Fischer - when Josh's father finally gets a clue.

Why is it that after all the emphasis and pressure on winning and achieving potential, and aiming for nothing less than gold - is it that once it DOES matter, it suddenly becomes "just a game"? Suddenly, "it's not the end of the world"...

Why is it that when you need the person (or people) who you need the most to support you - they decide to trivialize that which matters most to you?

"There's only 4 weeks left. What if my knee doesn't get better in time?"

"If it doesn't get better, then it doesn't get better. It's not the end of the world. There will be other tournaments."

"You don't know that."

searching for bobby fischer

Searching for Bobby Fischer - one of my favorite movies, along with Miracle. So inspiring. So true.

When I look at Josh and his progression at chess and competition through the movie - it feels like I'm watching myself. Competition after competition, looking down at the ground while getting chewed out for throwing a match, getting chewed out and feeling belittled - all this from people who care so much about the talent and the potential and winning that sometimes they forget to express how much they care about the protege.

It's about the evolution of his relationships, and how these people help him understand his gift and how to use it. How he so desperately seeks the approval, respect, and love from his father and his coach, and how in their insensitive ways they don't see it until they've hurt him and almost made him lose his love for the game.

******************

"Maybe it's better not to be the best. Because then you can lose, and it's OK."

I wonder what it would feel like for it to be OK to lose.

******************

"How're you feeling? Scared?"

"I can't beat him."

"You might be right. I'm not supposed to say that, but...you'd know I was lying if I said anything else. I have something for you. It says: This is to certify that Josh Waitzkin, on this day, has, in the eyes of his teacher, attained the rank of Grandmaster. I have never been so proud of anyone in my life. I'm honored to call myself your teacher."

(Josh looks at the certificate, gets up and goes over to Bruce, and hugs him)

"I'm so scared."

"I know."

"Will you stay until it's over?"

"Will I stay? I wouldn't miss it for the world."

I wonder what it feels like to have a coach who understands when you're scared. And what it's like to have a coach who wouldn't miss your competition for the world.

big big vent

I want more than anything to stomp around my room cursing at the top of my lungs. However, that's impossible, seeing as how my KNEE won't let me stomp. RAWR.

WHY can't anyone love and accept and appreciate me for WHO I AM instead of who they THINK I AM, who they WANT ME TO BE, or who they THINK I SHOULD BE???

If I'm disrespectful because I refuse to sit and listen to insulting comments and let my feelings be hurt - then so be it. If you make me choose between being respectful to others and respecting myself - then don't be surprised if you get hung up on. I don't care how your generation did it.

DO NOT compare me to your old protege who, yes, we all know was tougher than me and despite tearing her achilles 8 weeks before Olympic Trials made her comeback because of her amazing POSITIVE ATTITUDE.

Well it's more than difficult to have a f*cking POSITIVE ATTITUDE when my parents are being unsupportive, and when everyone's yelling at me all the time. Am I supposed to have a positive attitude when I'm crying on the ground because I hurt my knee and worried to death that I might have really hurt it - and then you yell at me to stop whining? When people think I should quit because it's not ladylike and I'll never get married?

If some LOSER guy is so insecure as to feel threatened by something that I enjoy - what does that say about how unsupportive of a boyfriend or husband he might be? Yes, that's exactly what I want, to be in a relationship with someone that I can't be myself around. Where I have to dumb myself down to not upset his ego. CLEARLY this is a quality man.

As for this POSITIVE crap - if you want me to THINK positive then you have to make me FEEL positive. And that does NOT start by yelling at me. By comapring me to other people. By belittling my feelings. By overlooking me. You yell at me about thinking positive when yourself don't even know if I'll be back in time.

Sad truths:
*The only person who will care about me is me.
*Life is unfair
*Life stinks
*Life is hard

RAWR.

sparkblog

I have been told that my sparkblog (hrmm I kind of like the sound to that...) is depressing lately, so I thought I'd mix it up today. So here are some positives to go with the negatives.

Things that rock:

Ryan called me the other night. He made my day. I miss my kids...

Bobby had a great bb test. It makes me so happy to see someone who's talented who also works hard. And to see a candidate who deserves to test who has an awesome test and deserves to pass. Very redeeming.

Dodo's misspelled quotes of the day that don't really come every day. Well, he tries. When he remembers.

Jerry, my physical therapist. He's the man. And he's the only person right now that I trust to push me to get better while not letting me get hurt.

Progress. Apparently it's pretty rapid though I don't feel it, but yay for being able to: lift, bike, RUN (I hate running, but it's nice to be able to do it). All the things I hate to do. But better than sitting around doing nothing.

Christmas shopping. Hard on the budget, but really fun. I found the perfect gift for Derek and Dylan yesterday!

Things that stink:

My knee. It aches. It clicks. It's weird.

Emotional wreckage. The irony of who coined this phrase. I'm starting to identifying some of the underlying bool-mahn. (Complaints? Dissatisfaction? Unhappiness? Something like that. One of those great Korean words that doesn't translate very well. Like ah-ggah-wuh).

Rain. When your shoes aren't waterproof. When your bag isn't waterproof and your umbrella doesn't cover it. When your umbrella is slowly dying. Rain in the city is so gross...

Not deserving to shower. Not to worry, I've been showering every day - but without having actually sweat good and hard to deserve it, I feel...like I'm cheating the system. Guilt washes over me in the form of clean water and soap...

OK so the following 3 pictures need to be read backwards. I'm too lazy to go back and repost them in the correct order...

and after it sank in...his reaction

the day pat got back from vacation and found his desk...and his "scarecrow". =)

why you should never go on vacation when your group has a huge project due...this could happen to you...everything on his desk was covered with rejected plots and printouts from the presentation/binder...duct tape is pretty amazing...

sparky on strike

The strike isn't over. I'm just a wimp and don't have any motivation.

Being mad is probably better than being apathetic. Because if emotions are extreme, they're still there, and they might swing back the other way. But if that's what they want, then fine...I think I'd rather be mad than sad. Ranting and raving was at least cathartic and causes you to expect things to be better than they are...now it's just settling into accepting that everything sucks.

Every morning I wake up and my knee aches. And then I move it and it hurts. And then I think about having to get through the whole day and not being able to do the thing that I love most - and I just want to go back to sleep. But I can't so I get up and go about business as usual. And as I go through the day, there are times that I forget that I'm gimpy - but I'm always reminded before long. When I see the bus and start running to catch it - and then miss it because I can't run fast enough and my knee locks. When I go up and down stairs and hear it click. When I dream about kicking and all the mechanics of things that could go wrong flash in front of me. When I kicked my wall really hard in my sleep and bruised my toes. And it makes me wonder whether I'll ever be completely healed up and kicking the way I was before. Even if it physically heals (which I don't know if it will) - I don't think I'll be able to kick the same way. Everything's out of a different perspective now. There are way too many things that can go wrong, too many ways it could possibly get hurt again, or worse.

This is all going to be twice as hard when Jr comes back.

And my dad still sucks. I don't know how it's possible that he's obnoxious and insulting and in standing up for myself somehow I end up feeling bad. That's so not right. Strike #2 is also on.

whipped

I am SO WHIPPED. Rawr, me. My strike only lasted for one day. ONE DAY! And it's not even like I caved to being talked to - no, I voluntarily WENT to the dojang.

I can't stay mad at people I don't actually dislike. It's too hard.

I should never date, ever. If I'm this whipped with family-type relationships...forget it. *sigh*

*********

"It's not LYING...it's...protecting them from unnecessary worrying"

Hrmm. I don't know how he says that with a straight face when he's a father himself, but...for the sake of reducing one extra nagging voice in my head (as if my own wasn't enough)...my parents think my knee is "fine".

It has now been 17 days since I have properly kicked. Rawr. 17 longest days of my life, and counting...

nicknames

I just had an epiphany.

So I always thought, wow life is going to be so weird when I get married. Because I won't be 'sparky' anymore. I'll have this whole other name. And I've decided that no other name makes a good nickname. I mean, "skim" is alright I suppose...it's at least a real word. "slee" is weird. And then "ch" names like "schang" or "schong" or "scho" just don't work.

You just can't beat "spark". *sigh*

But I just got an email from my cousin, who hyphenated her name after marriage. (Not that I really want to do that because it's too confusing, not to mention long). So her email pops up as Lee-Chong. So then I was thinking...clearly I'm going to have to marry a Lee so that if you take the Park-Lee, my new nickname becomes "sparkly". Which is still sort of gay, but Hannah likes to call me that, and it's still clever. Or at least better than "skim" or "slee".

OK, it sounded a lot cooler in my head...

my coworkers are awesome...

If there's one thing I love about my job - it's my coworkers. They're freaking hilarious. So this one guy, Pat, is an E4. (Entry is E1, I'm currently an E2, as are Tara and Donna, I believe). He supervises Tara and Donna, and for the past month, they've been working crazy hours to get this project (Memo 6) done. And by crazy I mean the 3 of them only go home to sleep. For a month. It was nuts. So the presentation was last week, but start from 2 weeks ago, Pat went on vacation to South Africa and Spain. Anthony (the guy who sits across from me) and I helped Tara and Donna put together all the presentation binders and posters and what-not - it was a madhouse last week. But they stayed sane and the presentation was fine and now it's over.

However, Pat comes back tomorrow. So, as a nice little "welcome back", Tara and Donna thought it would be funny if we took all the leftover posters and papers of drafts from the binders and covered EVERYTHING on Pat's desk. And by everything, we mean the lamp, the fan, his rulers and scissors, keyboard, phone...EVERYTHING. Then we used the poster boards to make a wall and took packing peanuts and filled up his desk area. THEN we found his spare clothes (yes, he keeps a complete set of clothes at the office, including a button down shirt, ties, pants, sweater, and shoes) - and stuffed them with balled up paper like a scarecrow, stuffed his cereal box with packing peanuts, wrapped his pellegrino bottle in Memo 6 drawings, and positioned the "Pat" scarecrow with one leg crossed holding his food. With a coffee bean beanie doll sticking out like a shrunken head.

"Guys we're awful!"
"Don't you mean...awesome?"

Oh man...gotta get these pictures and post them. Haha and for our time spent "decorating"...we charged it to the Memo 6 account. HAHAHA...

This all started because our VP sent out an email fwd about "what to do when your boss goes on vacation" with a picture of someone's cube covered in post-it notes.

everyone SUCKS

Let's add to the retardedness, shall we?

I get a phone call from my dad today - and you'd think that he'd figure out that if he wanted to have a conversation, he shouldn't start it off with annoying comments. You save them till the end so that you get the actual conversation in, and then you piss off the person and they hang up on you.

"So although the article about you in the Korean newspaper brought in a lot of compliments...people were commenting about how you've gained a lot of weight in the picture."

WHAT was the point of that comment? What pisses me off is that he's not even in shape himself - but this whole pick on the fat thing is really getting on my nerves. You know what? I'M not the one who keeps trying to put myself in stupid Korean newspaper. What do I care how many times I'm in them? HE'S the one who freaking gets excited when they run articles about me and hounds me for stupid pictures.

For one thing - the opinion of a handful of middle-aged Korean people who don't know anything really doesn't matter to me. If they want to comment, from an article about how I medalled at Pan Ams, that I've gained weight - well, fine, listen to me comment about how your children were losers who will never be in a newspaper about anything they've achieved.

That's it. If he wants to be that way, forget it. My parents aren't getting any more pictures from me. Ever. In fact, I'll just stop calling them about results of tournaments and they can sit in suspense about it. Not that it matters because it's all over anyways and there'll be no more results. And you know what, just to give you substance to your stupid comments, fine, no more training like a maniac, and my diet is going to change to fast food. You want fat? I'll give you fat. It's your stupid genes that didn't make me tall and skinny anyways. I'm doing the best I can with the disposition I have - and I'm doing damn well with my short Korean legs (except the one that doesn't function).

Everybody sucks.

it all sucks

What sucks about promotion tests:

*People who don't deserve to/aren't ready to test - who test. And pass.

*Getting kicked in the hand by people who obviously didn't practice their board breaks enough.

*Having to give a test that spans 3 belt groups of a large range (blue stripes to black stripes) - without any advance warning. And then having the apparent reaction be that it was too tough. Whatever, it was a damn good test. If people faltered, that's their own fault because the directions were clear and nowhere beyond their level. I will not lower my standards for anyone who isn't ready. People should expect better from themselves, and those that did showed it today.

*Not having been asked to equivalency, helping those who did have to equivalency and not being thanked, and then falling under the general announcement to everyone else who hasn't taken equivalency needs to schedule one. RAWR. A and B needing to equivalency, I understand. They're also instructors. They've been at WS for quite some time. C isn't even good, doesn't teach, hasn't been here that long - and frankly was still messing up half the forms as of last night. So aside from the fact that I wasn't asked when I'm the only person who ever asked to test with them in some capacity - having been asked AFTER someone who is far less qualified in every respect is salt in the wound. And the worst part is - I can't even find a good way to approach the subject. The announcement was vague enough that it's unclear whether the ball's in my court or not.

What is this? I know every single form on the requirements list, inside and out. I've been teaching them for the last 2 weeks. I'm the ONLY person who's at the dojang 7 days a week - and that's including the paid staff. My classes are the most well-attended, I have 5 students that take private lessons from me, I train like a maniac and I'm the #1 lackey - if you can't see my heart by my actions then fine, go ahead and squash it.

Whatever, I've had enough. My knee sucks, this all sucks and I can't look them in the eye without being upset. No matter, they probably don't even know. I'm not going back unless I have to teach. If they want to know why I'm not there, they can find out for themselves.

superdork :)

My good friend and former ministry buddy Danny Park (are you my reader?) wins the category of superdork today with his response to my email regarding the update on my knee injury:

"What's a meniscus? Given the shape water makes when it's in a tube (meniscus), I'd guess a meniscus is some sorta cartilage between bones?"

I can't believe he made a (correct) guess from another scientific observation. Yes, he's that smart. (Go Danny!) Hahaha...

So the final verdict (eh, as final as it gets) is that the MCL is strained but the meniscus is torn. And from the MRI they can't tell whether it's going to heal itself or not. (Grr, that's not helpful). So the question of surgery still looms in the air, though not as imminently as before. But the fact is, it's still there, and that makes it bad. *sigh* Please pray for some accelerated healing and NO SURGERY.

facts

OK. Going to practice and watching other people kick and not being able to kick...really SUCKS. It's like, super-depressing. Especially when you have this nagging voice in the back of your head reminding you that you're the one who has to compete in 5 weeks and you're the one who can't train. *sigh* Maybe I *should* get a sports shrink. Though talking to the one I've got has been rather amusing...well, nice to know that someone would stick up for me. Though in that case I'd be writhing on the ground.

don't start getting worst case scenarios running thru ur head already

i dunno, what if she kicks me in the knee or something

then i'll go in and kick her ass

really?

if she does it deliberately

that'd be funny. i want to see you and (her coach) fight

y would you want to see an old man fight a young kid like that?
hed be running circles around me

eesh, you're not an old man
just like i don't suck
every time you say you're old i'm going to say i suck

are you going to disobey a direct order?
that is heresy

which one?

not to say you suck
cause it's a fact i'm old
its a fact you don't suck
end of story

maybe it's a fact i suck
it's all relative

i said end of story
no discussion
this is not a democracy
it is called benign despotism

HAHAHA. I always called it a benevolent dictatorship, but benign despotism sounds pretty good too. Though if he believes in that, then I don't see why he made me vote.

in withdrawal

Well...it's been 2 days of no dojang and yesterday was zero contact with anyone from WS. My inbox was so empty...though my patience was not in vain, because I must admit it was nice to be asked if I was coming rather than me asking if they're coming.

Well, at least dodo misses me. Even if it's not for flattering reasons. Haha...

"i need u back"

"why? haha so they make me cry instead of you?"

"yes"


What to do in class today...they all complained (rather proudly) that they couldn't walk after the last class I taught. I wonder how turnout will be today....haha. Suckers...

what to do...

So...is this what "normal" life is like? Ever since I hurt my knee and haven't been able to work out, my whole life has changed. Now it's a question of whether I should go into the dojang at all - and on the days I don't, it's like...what do I do with myself? Being online is no fun because I can do that at work. There's watching tv, but that's a dangerous habit. It's almost like I watch the clock until it's time to sleep. Man...if work was all I had to life, I'd...die.

I suppose "normal" people meet up with friends for dinner, watch a lot of tv, veg...no wonder Americans are fat and lazy. I'm fat and lazy despite the fact that I work out every day. If I didn't...I can only imagine the slothful blob I would be...ick.

It's only been a little over a week, but...I'M SICK OF BEING "NORMAL"!!! Dodo told me that he sparred with Sabs last night when I wasn't there and I was so ridiculously jealous. But it's too painful to sit and watch class and not be able to take class. That just sucks. And it just adds to the frustration that I'm gimpy. And the risk that I'll try to kick before I'm supposed to.

I was so desperate to sweat that I did pushups and abs this morning when I woke up. This is how pathetic I've become. I absolutely detest pushups. But maybe I won't be puny and flabby by the time my knee is better enough to kick and I ignore my upper body again.

*sigh* Heal, knee, heal!

SOTM

사랑해 그리고 생각해 - 김진표


**사랑해 사랑해 그리고 영원히 이젠 말할 수 없네

행복해 행복해 그리고 잘 지내

이런 말하며 눈을 감아버리고 마네

난 너를 사랑해 이 사랑이 영원해

영원히 행복해 같이 슬퍼해

글구 또 같이 똑같이 즐거워해

서로가 웃기만 해 지금은 그냥 생각만 하고 있네.

깊이 남았네 남겨졌네

잊혀지지 않네 잊어버릴 수 없네

너만을 사랑해 그때가 행복해

지금은 생각만 해 넘만이 넘 많이 그렇게

남았네 지금도 생각나네


이젠 서서히 끝이 끝이 보여 너무너무 빨리빨리 와버렸어.

시원하게 웃는 아무 티없는 너무나도 행복해 어쩔 줄 모르는 우리

둘이 이런 우리 우리 우리 사이 같이 영원히 누가 누가 뭐라 해도

끝도 없이 주저할 것 없이 영원할 것이라고 생각했었어 그 많은 시

간 생각하면 잠깐 한 순간 장난이라 생각하기엔 너무 진지한 이젠

그냥 접어둬야 하는 건가 내가 아니 니가 아니 뭐라 말을 해야 하

는 건가 가. 가지마 그리고 이리와 어떤 말도 우리에겐 아무 소용없

나


기억나니 첨 만났던 그자리 오백일째 오백송이 그 장미 모든 것

이 아름다웠던 너의 아파트 위 푸른 바다 위 우리 둘이 화난 즐거

운 목소리 모두 전해준 전화기 맘 아팠니 내가 앓아 누운 그 일주

일 연락 없이 늦게 들어온 그일 무리해서 바빴던 그때 그때 그 때문

에 조금 소홀해진 나 때문에 마음 많이 상했니. 다시 봤니 그 많은

편지와 사진 생각해 봤니 그 많디 많은 우리 기억이 왜 이렇게 돼

버렸는지 아무도 몰라 왜 이 왜 이렇게 된 건지 우리는 같아 나 이

나 이렇게 생각했는데 이젠 더 이상 이런 사랑하기 겁나 너나 나나

더 이상 이젠 더 이상 같이 할 수 없나

MRI

What I found disturbing about my MRI:

So he puts me on the table and locks my leg in (fine, I'm not going anywhere, but sure...) - and then slides me into the tube so that just my head is kind of sticking out. So far so good. The guy puts headphones on me with some radio station that I can barely hear - as if that was going to make any difference with all the racket that machine makes. So I'm stuck on this table, looking up...and I see directly above me is this little sign that says "warning - looking directly into laser may cause loss of vision". Or something like that. But the laser hold thing was RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE and I can't move. Even if I looked away, my eyeballs were still in line with it. WHO designed this freaking machine??

So I closed my eyes.

However, closing eyes at the end of a long day frequently leads to drowsiness. And getting sleepy in a foreign place means that I have a tendency to twitch. That would be no good considering I'm not supposed to move my leg at all. Oops...oh, well. I think I only dozed off for a little bit, before all the clanging and buzzing woke me up. MRI's as scary like that - they make these noises like machine guns shooting and you're strapped to a table inside of a tube. And if you've ever watched a movie with me, I jump at EVERYTHING.

Yeah well...results should be out at the end of the week. It's like having to wait for school acceptances or offer letters all over again...

worship

You know what I'm missing? Some good old-fashioned praise. In the Korean style. Not necessarily in the language, but...if you've ever gone to a Korean church, particularly in youth groups, there's a certain style of praise and worship. Ah, I miss the days of KCF (Korean Christian Fellowship - the community of my undergrad years). We were small, but...I don't know, there was something about it that's still very special to me. I remember that year that I went to NCPC small group and how much I loved worship on Fridays...

The thing that's difficult for me about going to a "white church" (although Redeemer has a lot of Asian attendees, it's definitely not an Asian church) is the musical worship. Over the years I've actually grown to appreciate hymns, and I was exposed to plenty of classical music growing up. However, having just hymns all the time makes me feel like I'm missing something. Even when I went to the evening service, it was the same old stuff, just in a jazz style. Which was cool, but for me, I just couldn't worship in that setting.

While Susan was visiting, we went to Flushing (home of all things fobbily Korean in NYC). One of the Korean stores we went into had a Christian bookstore-ish section. What caught my attention immediately was the music playing there - the CD was actually in Korean but it was fairly modern praise music. But totally Korean style.

The CD cost me $18.

I need to find me a Korean church. And not just for the reasons for which my parents want me to find a Korean church. (ie. Korean church --> Korean man). The more I'm away from it, the more I realize that that's the community that I'm missing.

It's just not the same to listen to recordings. A close substitute, but there's got to be corporate worship too...hrrm. Something more to think about, I suppose.

spam, cg2, knee

Wow. This spam filter thing is AMAZING. Though in a way, I'm kind of sad that my inbox is so empty...funny how even all that annoying spam made me think it was real mail. Haha, the lasting effect of Susan's visit this weekend. =) I can't believe that I was the less gimpy of the two of us...that can never be a good thing. But it was fun to catch up...man, I never realize how much I've missed people since I moved. (ie. visit me!!)

*********

cg2 is back. well. sort of.

*********

The knee is making progress. Enough to make me feel optimistic that all is not lost. Yet. MRI (or as Peter calls it: "knee test") is tomorrow...gosh I hate MRI's. For something that's not painful, it sure does make you nervous. All that clanging and being all clausterophobic (sp?) ...but yeah, thanks for praying, progress is progress! I was able to lift and bike today, and it wasn't excrutiating. It felt so good to sweat...how do people not exercise regularly and not feel disgusting? Sweating is so therapeutic...

what a feel-good day...

So yeah, family-is-cool part 2. Feel-good moment of the day 1 came when I walked in the door and saw Derek and Dylan wearing the shirts I'd gotten them from Colorado. And when S Jr showed up, he was wearing my Mexico shirt. Hrmm he wore that on Tuesday too, I hope he washed it...but yeah, it was nice to see my gifts going to good use. That's the best part about gift-giving - knowing that they didn't just shove stuff away in a closet somewhere.

I was a little apprehensive about intruding on Sabs' family thing today, but it turned out to be awesome. There was this huge mixup about what was actually going on, and when I showed up at 1pm like Sr told me to, it turned out that all the plans had changed. But I was content with playing with the boys and hanging out with the family.

It's really nice to be included in their family - good to see their mother again, if only briefly. We watched the tapes of my matches and she kept telling me I had to eat chicken and ginseng because I was so short. Um, yeah, no hope of getting any taller here. Got to have some good conversations with their sister and her husband...chatted with the niece and nephew...cousin showed up...etc. It was surprisingly...comfortable.

We played Texas hold 'em and it was just too stressful for me. I ended up winning in the end (jackpot of $12) but only because we had to leave and I got lucky. We all went all in and just flipped the cards, no bluffing, no betting. I can't bluff for the life of me. I kept trying to fold when I could have checked. Patrick laughed at me so much that after awhile he just started telling me what to do. And Jr dealt for me whenever I was the dealer. I think I could have figured out dealing, at least. But I don't plan on ever getting good at gambling so I guess it's not really worth it.

I was going to use my winnings to pay for my movie ticket but he didn't let me do that either. So now I have $12 but I feel kind of guilty having it. Maybe I'll give to to some homeless person today. We went to see National Treasure - pretty good movie. Well, I think Jr liked it more than I did...the kids (Derek and his two cousins) seemed to like it for the action but we thought it was more interesting in the historical sense. I just like seeing smart people, even if they're just acting smart. And the guy was supposed to have a degree in Mechanical Engineering from MIT so of course he had to be cool. =) Haha...

Feel-good moment of the day 2 came when Dylan had to go to bed and came out in his pajamas to say goodnight to everyone. He went around to each of us saying goodnight, and when he got to Derek he said "hug" and gave his brother a huge hug. Those boys...so cute.

It was really strange yet really cool to see Sabs being...normal people. It's very rare that I actually socialize with them, and just have fun. On the way home I told Jr I was going to have to knock him off his pedestal now. He just laughed.

happy tg

Gosh that was a lot of food. Normally I'm not a fan of turkey but 고모 sure has a way with the bird...nothing like a good old-fashioned Korean Thanksgiving. A big turkey, stuffing, and all that crap that normal people eat (I still don't understand cranberry sauce from a can), but also with kimchee and other banchan...so good. Funny what training will do to you - my instant reaction was to refuse dessert and coffee. Or it's more like...if I'm going to stuff myself, I want it to be with meat and carbs, not with sugar and caffeine. Hahaha...

Got to see my girls today...Sammy and Sydney have gotten so much bigger, and Sydney can sort of talk now. Ah...I missed the girls. And tomorrow I get to hang out with my boys! It's been awhile since I've seen Derek and Dylan, too. Holidays are cool like that...lots of family (or "family" as my case may be). Still a little apprehensive as to what this lunch is about - usually everything Sabs want has a purpose. It sounds like a "just for fun" thing, but if it's a family thing then it feels weird to show up. We'll see, I suppose...

It dawned on me that one thing that I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving was the fact that despite being far from home and what-not, I had a lot of invitations for places to go to spend it. Even though I've only been here for a few months, I'm thankful that there are all these pockets of "family", in particular my extended family on both sides, the Etkins and Sabs. It makes it feel less lonely and more like home.

jason me and gigi...not paying attention during opening ceremonies.

well, not too shabby. women's team = 1st place. overall = 2nd place.

yay for middleweights with gimpy legs!

Day 3 was awesome - all the bantam and middleweights medalled! =)

Bronze. They had to pick me up and put me on the stand.

in withdrawal

I was frantically trying to book plane tickets home for Christmas, and realized that my priorities are grossly heavy on Taekwondo. As in, trying to figure out the optimal days to go home based on when the dojang would be closed, when Sabs would be available to train me (assuming that my knee is OK by then and I'm still competing at Trials), and how many days I can afford to take off to sit on my butt at home because there's nowhere to train and no one to train with.

Oh yeah, I guess it's also important how many days of work I'm missing, but clearly that hasn't been a priority thus far...doh.

I didn't realize how much a part of my life this was until I busted my knee and couldn't do it anymore. Jr is right - it takes an injury that takes something everyday away to cause you to appreciate what you have with health. It freaking takes me forever to get anywhere. Particularly if anywhere involves stairs. *sigh* Well, he also said that despite all his knee problems now, he wouldn't have done it any differently, and that it was worth the pain. I hope when I'm 40 and arthritic I can say the same thing.

It's only been a day, and I'm already going into withdrawal. Sitting at the dojang on the side in plain clothes watching yesterday was so painful. Well, except for the fact that I was laughing at the demo kids as they laughed at themselves. =) Joe's a very interesting character...the way he teaches is a bit...eclectic. Not bad, just...different.

Off to PT to get tortured. No more toe-wiggling. Now it's down to business. Rawr...

"힘내"

Quote of the week (from James): "Pain heals, Sabs dig scars, and glory lasts forever."

HAHAHA. Jaac cracks me up. Well, if Sabs dig scars, I've got plenty of them. From the 8 huge disgusting bugbites I got to the 5 bruises that actually turned hard to the furthering of my back strain to whatever is actually wrong with my knee...this is the most physical pain I've been in after a tournament. Actually I'm really worried about my knee, it's either my MCL or meniscus or both. Rawr. RAWR. Trish thought it wasn't torn, Dr. Varlotta thinks it is. Won't know anything for sure until the MRI next Tuesday - but the fate of my chances of making Team for Worlds depends on how badly I busted my knee...

They say I'll make it back in time. And in my book, Sabs are never wrong. *sigh* I feel like a kid, just blindly trusting whatever your parents say is true. And I wish it were so, to be able to believe that someone else always knows better. But at least for now, in the week before my MRI...I have to believe them. So here's to positive thinking (and a whole lot of prayer...)

"Don't worry about it more than you have to...힘내"

Erica is super duper awesome...

"life isn't a bed of roses"

The Sabi-nuggets of wisdom contradict themselves these days. Life is not a bed of roses (whatever that means, why would you want to sleep on a bunch of dead flowers?) - and life isn't fair. But they also say that I have to be positive and make the best out of any situation. Well, you can't do both. If I accept that life isn't fair, then that's being realistic and that's being negative. I'd get yelled at for that. If I try to be optimistic I'll just be disappointed and then I'll be sad. I'd get yelled at for that too.

So it's official, no Team USA uniforms for Pan Ams. They suck. Maybe I should find the Korea uniform that Saerom gave me from Collegiate Worlds and wear that. I have a bunch of USA uniforms from Collegiate Worlds, but I'm seriously debating just wearing a blank one. If there's one sad thing I've learned from all this, it's that there's only one person who's going to look out for me and care about me: me. So I should just represent the country of myself. Well no, if I'm going by support, then I should wear New York stuff because they're the only ones being supportive. *sigh*

Just want this all to be over. I don't care anymore. Maybe I'll just sleep on the beach for a week and at least get rid of the bags under my eyes.

teen angst

Why watch Dawson's Creek when you can just witness it for yourself? I guess I forgot what it's like to be a teenager and how life-and-death it seems to like someone or think you're in love and be rebuffed or realize that it's not always magical like in the movies.

I mean...it's reality. Sometimes "love" (and I put that in quotes because I don't really believe that teenagers really understand what it is when they call it that) just isn't enough. As impossible as it seems to get to the point where two people are interested in each other at the same time - once that happens it doesn't necessarily mean that they should date or that it's happily ever after.

But then again, how to explain that to someone who's head over heels. I guess being able to control emotions is something that builds with time and maturity. But yes, it does suck quite a bit during.

I remember James (Choung) used to always say there are two factors: the right person, and the right time. Sounds so simple, yet can feel so complicated.

As much as I wasn't a huge fan of Joshua Harris, seeing all this angst makes me want to recommend "I kissed dating goodbye" to people. Well, I think it's age-appropriate for high schoolers anyways. This whole "guarding-your-heart" thing - I totally believe in it. Well, at least for those of us who are far too emotionally driven. There has to be something that keeps your heart in check, especially when you know it dominates over your self.

Though really...they should just focus on getting into college. Haha...how insensitive of me but...it's much easier to be practical when you're an observer.

me myself and i

RAWR:

1) Leaving for Pan Ams in 2 days. It's really truly amazing how this is supposed to be my first national team and the biggest-deal tournament I'm going to - and that no one cares. Well, maybe not no one, but considering that we have to take care of all our own arrangements for the trip, we're not travelling as a team, possibly not even all staying at the same hotel or eating in the same place...that it's almost certain at this point that we're not getting team warmups or uniforms...that it was "suggested" that we stick around to cheer for each other...it's really quite discouraging. I guess it's just another tournament then.

Even more upsetting is the fact that Sabs aren't coming. Even if our team ends up fragmented, everyone else on the team will have other teammates, parents, coaches coming to watch and cheer and support them. I hate having to ask Sabs repeatedly whether they'll be there for something or not. I hate asking people for things in general. It's like - there's a really big tournament coming up and it's very important - would it kill people to offer or otherwise just DO things to help?

2) Things that hurt - just trying to hang on...goodness gracious please pray for me, my body just has to hang in there for one more week.

Back (strained)
Instep (swollen)
Knee (sore)
Shin(s) (sore)
Toe(s) (sprained)
Thumb (sprained)
Hip Flexor (pulled)
Hamstring (pulled)

3) Richard forgot my birthday. He apologized profusely but that just makes me more sad.

자식은 키워도 소용이 없어.

HAHAHA...

I'm dying. My stomach hurts from laughing so much...

adolfo: "good thinking. no wonder u'r the brains."

me: "if i'm the brains, what does that make you and james?"

adolfo: "james is the muscle. and i am the pretty one."

HAHAHA....

This from the boy who's supposed to be my TA in kids advanced sparring...

me: "so why do we check?"

Frankie: "to throw the other person off"

Brenden: "to make your opponent move"

Adolfo: "to look pretty!"

for fun

"Above all, really enjoy your sport. When you are passionate about what you are doing and love doing it, you can do anything." -Carole Merle

S Jr is the man. Two hard training days but they were so good. And surprisingly, so fun. I think it's because he'll train with me instead of just training me. At least these days. So it's kind of fun to make him work hard too. At least, it gives me great satisfaction to fake him out. Like "haha, I got you". Besides, it makes me feel like less of a burden or a "taker" if I'm being a target and giving him a hard time too. As much as I loved working out with Rich last year, and as much as that was so good for me - it's always hard when you know that you're a burden on the other person and they're not getting anything out of it for themselves.

But it was nice of him to come in on Friday to work out. I dunno, I guess it was cool to have the dojang to ourselves and not have other people just watching from the side, commenting or otherwise talking. Not that that should matter, because I should learn to tune them out and not be distracted. But still - it does make a difference because you have to be aware of what you say and do because people are watching and listening...and even when people cheer or stuff from the side, it affects things. Well, I guess it depends on whether they're cheering for or against you, haha.

It was nice to just be alone and just...work. Made it a lot easier to communicate, gave the freedom to be silly, and generally made it fun. Esp. when sparring, we sparred Friday and today for awhile and it was the most fun I've had in a long time. I think for him too, never seen him actually smile that much. Haha. Then again, if I'd popped him with doubles the way he got me, I'd probably grin too. I guess the biggest difference lately has been that I'm enjoying sparring and not so stressed out, even though big tournaments have been happening all around me. Not sure what brought about the change in attitude, nor do I know how long it'll last...but it's been good.

Actually I do know. It's because they're happy with me. Being on the sh*tlist always makes my sparring go to crap. 3 days till I leave for Pan Ams...crazy.

Good luck to Liza, Erica, Rich, and Nathan (and everyone else from MIT/Boston, and James if he's super cool and decides to go) at All-Stars tomorrow! Yeah yeah bigger fish to fry, I guess, but I'm jealous of no longer being eligible for collegiate stuff...it was fun while it lasted, but it didn't last very long...growing up stinks.

sponges

Mua-ha-ha. Sponges. A "sponge" is someone who absorbs the habits and sayings of someone else and becomes a carbon copy of them. This whole time I thought Adolfo was just a sponge, because he was slowly turning into me. It all started when he was making fun of how I say "dude!" all the time. And now he says it more than me. Hahaha...or how he and Scott have picked up "rawr" and "grr". Apparently on the plane ride back from Nationals, he started doing that thing that I do with my mouth when I'm displeased. (You know what I'm talking about if you know me well).

BUT. The part that I find hilarious is when Sabs start picking up the strange things I say or do. Like last week when Sr let out a "RAWR" during a drill when he was mad at himself. I nearly died. Today, Jr referred to Adolfo as "Adodo". HAHA I was almost crying...

Maybe I'm just that weird that people pick up my strangeness...haha I don't care, it's amusing to me. =)

funny things heard around the office...

I was walking past some people talking and I hear

"you can't tell this is a toupee, can you?"

HAHAHA...I just kept on walking...

1994

"But time makes you bolder
children get older
I'm getting older too..."

It's amazing how fast time flies. Ryan told me today that he's taking his driving test to get his lisence. Goodness gracious, Ryan behind wheels. Ryan who used to cry in the dojang when his dad would leave until he had his red power ranger. Ryan who was 30 pounds and wanted to hold my hand crossing the street when he was 5. Ryan whose dad would be my TKD chauffeur until I got my lisence and became his. Ryan who used to be so excited about Gran Turismo and want me to come over and play video games. Who danced to Boyz II Men's "On Bended Knee" for the Christmas party when he was 6. Who could outrun me by the time he was 9 and I was 17. Who could outspar me by the time he was 13 and I was 21. Who developed a potty mouth and swore like a sailor by 14. Who asked me for advice on what classes to take in high school.

And now he's going to get his driver's lisence. And in two years he'll be going to college. And he's probably taller than me.

It's like I blinked and suddenly 10 years passed. And I didn't even notice that we were growing up all this time. To me, he'll still be that little shy 5 year old that came to the dojang with his little buzz cut, barely big enough to take class, with his size 000 uniform hemmed down so his pants wouldn't drag. He was my original little bro.

10 years ago it was 1994. I was 13-14 years old. I went to my first Jr. Nationals in Chicago as a red belt, lost in the quarter-finals and cried. I tested for my black belt and had a piano recital on the same day. I graduated from middle school and had to wear a skirt and I was mad. My best friend moved away to Nebraska. I was a freshman in high school and moved to a new town and had to make all new friends. I had a virtual bowl cut, at least that's what it looked like from the front because I always wore my hair in a ponytail. I was starting to audition for "real" youth orchestras. I got a B+ once in English and thought my world was going to end. I tried out for the softball team and was cut in the 2nd round. I went on my first retreat ever with my church youth group. I went to my first KUMC (Korean United Methodist Church) summer camp.

1994 was a good year.

I wonder who will trigger me to look back and be nostalgic in another 10 years. And what I'll remember of 2004.

Not that he reads my blog, but good luck today, Ry. Thanks for all the good times, and making me remember them.

"Make her cry!"

Got to work out with Sr last night some, and then sparred with both of them. After going a long time with Sr, Jr came up and they switched. Sometimes when they're sparring, they'll tell each other stuff in Korean - which is fine when they're sparring Adolfo or whoever, but sometimes I think they forget that I understand.

Sr: "울어버려"

Jr: "What?"

Sr: "Make her cry!"

This again. So Jr puts on his Mean Face and starts growling and stuff. This would actually be really funny if not for the fact that it scares the crap out of me when he does that.

BUT I beat him in sudden death! Well, says Sr. I find it really funny that they use me to make fun of each other. Like I'll spar one of them and the other will goad him. And then they'll switch. Faked him to back kick and then axe kicked him. Totally pulled it, but it was there. Still can't bring myself to kick him in the face.

Boo they're probably not coming to Pan Ams. BOO. =(

Sr: "You're a big girl now...we can't even make you cry"

Jr: "I almost did at the end!"

Sr: "No you didn't"

What made my day today:

"See that smile in the picture? I am STILL smiling about how you took the fight to Sanaz! This was a breakthough match for you. Those 9 minutes were worth my trip to COS." -S Sr

dan dan, the tractor man...

will have to photoshop the "usa" back in but yay MIT =)

liza's the bestest

back from nationals

Well. The winning streak had to end sometime. But of all the times I've come in 2nd, this has to have been the most well-earned. I felt pretty good about my performance. And though there are definitely things I could have done better, there were significant breakthroughs. She's going down next time.

And most of all, I made Sr proud. And that meant the world to me. Esp. after the devastating reaction after Greece. Night and day.

"So...was it worth it for you to come?"

"Yes"

"Good...are you sure?"

"YES. Have you ever seen me smile at a tournament before?"

"Um. I don't know."

"Well, I don't smile very often. And today I did. 잘했어."

I'm healed!

Mark 2

Jesus Heals a Paralytic

¹A few days later, when Jesus again entered Capernaum, the people heard that he had come home. ²So many gathered that there was no room left, not even outside the door, and he preached the word to them. ³Some men came, bringing to him a paralytic, carried by four of them. ⁴Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus and, after digging through it, lowered the mat the paralyzed man was lying on. ⁵When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "Son, your sins are forgiven."
⁶Now some teachers of the law were sitting there, thinking to themselves, ⁷"Why does this fellow talk like that? He's blaspheming! Who can forgive sins but God alone?"
⁸Immediately Jesus knew in his spirit that this was what they were thinking in their hearts, and he said to them, "Why are you thinking these things? ⁹Which is easier: to say to the paralytic, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Get up, take your mat and walk'? ¹⁰But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins . . . ." He said to the paralytic, ¹¹"I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home." ¹²He got up, took his mat and walked out in full view of them all. This amazed everyone and they praised God, saying, "We have never seen anything like this!"

******************

Dude. It's a miracle, thanks for everyone who prayed for my back and my sickness. I have to admit, I was getting really worried since I'm fighting on Sunday and I haven't been able to work out at all this week because of either being weak from not being able to eat, or not being able to do anything but sit there because of my back pains.

The stomach was slowly getting better, but the back really wasn't showing any signs of significant improvement. Physical therapy helped a little for the time being, but even today I was sore and having trouble bending and twisting.

And then tonight I went to the dojang just wishing that I could have ONE day of workout before Nationals...and what do you know, He heard my cry. I definitely felt tired from being sick all week, but it felt SO GOOD to be able to kick and not have pain shooting up my back. It's amazing how immobilizing a back strain can be...

Praise God, seriously, this must have been what the crippled man must have felt like. It's so freeing. Pls pray that I'd be healed completely and can compete to the fullest of my ability on Sunday! Off to pack for Colorado...

*******************

heehee and Sr called me sparky today. I love when he does that, I don't know why I find it so funny. When I was tired on the drills and he was like "do you need to be hit on the head?" Only Koreans would use that statement as a positive motivation thing. Haha. Well, it worked. =)

I'm so glad he's coming. I'm ready now. Screw it all I'm going to be national champion this year.

last thoughts on election

The commentary on the election that made the most sense to me. (From jmo's blog). I think it just came down to the fact that the Republicans did a better campaigning job than the Democrats. How else can you explain the fact that he won Ohio? And when it came down to it, Bush did get the popular vote as well.

************

The Dems lost because they are pro-choice and pro-gay marriage. Plain, simple, sad.

I know it's a narrow aspect, but the reason I pick this one to rant about is a) I'm biased personally, fair enough right? and b) it sums up one of my fundamental problems with the process. First, the facts I am basing this on: exit polls said of the ~20% of americans who said "moral values" were their most important issue, 80% voted for bush. Some guy on network news said about 1 in 5 voters were white evangelical christians. There are many other stats like the vote of weekly churchgoers skewing heavily for Bush. So what does that mean? To me, it means that for a good chunk of those who voted for Bush, they were *most* scared about what Kerry being in office would do to the moral compass of the country, while for most of those who voted for Kerry, they were most concerned with jobs, the economy, the ridiculously large deficit. While abortion and gay marriage themselves are not the issues which decided the election, Kerry's stances on those made people concerned about his values overall (note some catholic priests insisting that Kerry be refused communion, and Bush splitting the catholic vote with him). Personally, I know a lot of christians who were torn between the "moral" choice of Bush vs. the "everything else" choice of Kerry...they much preferred Kerry except for these absolute moral stances they felt led to support as christians. Anyway the real thing that makes me mad was that people were forced to pick between the two. If Kerry were allowed to be anti-abortion, anti-gay marriage like Bush, I think he would have won by a landslide (electorally). But no, a democratic candidate could never support those views. There really needs to be less slavish devotion to the two party system here.

Just in case this made me sound too partisan, I think Bush is a horrendous muckup too. I think there are a significant number people who voted for him out of misinformation as well (ie they actually still believe there were WMDs in Iraq). Here's to hoping for better choices and a better system in the future (did you know over $1 billion was spent on this presidential election? sickening).

************

So as everyone rants and raves about the election and whatever, I've been doing some thinking as well.

Even though people thought I was a narrow-minded Bush-supporter - and not that I need to defend myself - I did in the end vote for Kerry. And not just because the 3 men in my life mandated that I do so. (Well, 2 did, 1 gave me a choice but I knew where he stood).

I never actually defended Bush - I just never supported Kerry. There's a difference, and I didn't appreciate being insulted and chewed out all the time. This is why I hate politics and in general, can't stand liberals.

Despite disagreeing with Kerry's moral standpoints, I voted for him because I believe that Bush has proved himself unworthy for a second Presidency based on the last 4 years and that the country needed a new face. Not that Kerry's face is attractive, but it's new. And that was enough to swing my vote. (My vote, which didn't matter anyways).

It was actually a very tough decision, and for everyone out there who yelled at me that not everything is black and white, I say the same about this election. Kerry is not good and Bush is not evil. It's not as clear-cut as that. As a Christian I feel compelled to support certain things and this election was the case where it forced me to choose between two candidates who were entirely unappealing, and who both had things on their agenda that I did or didn't support. God calls us to take care of his creation (the environment) and to care for the poor (social justice). God also calls us to a moral standard and in the relativistic society that we live in, the moral degradation is appalling as everyone seeks to live out what they think will make them "happy".

That being said, I think that Bush has given a bad impression of evangelical Christians and that makes me sad. I was actually quite offended during one of Sab Jr's rants when he said "so you would vote for Bush just because he's an EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN?" Clearly, I didn't vote for him, but what I think people don't understand is that we're ALL sinners - Christians are just those that are aware that we are. But we still sin, we still struggle, and we're nowhere near perfect and shouldn't claim to be.

This drunk guy on the train next to me last night was going on and on about Bush and how he sucked and how the white man was killing the black man, blah blah blah. (He REEKED of alcohol). But towards the end he said this: "he will have to answer to God one day". And Joe (this guy from TKD who took the train downtown with me) replied "we all will".

And it's true. One day all this arguing and media and nonsense won't matter because in the end you don't get to argue with God. And we'll all have to account for all of our actions, and when that time comes, there will be A LOT to account for. When I look at this election and the uproar that it's caused, it just points out to me the fundamental truth that there is so much sin in this world and that the world needs Jesus. If Bush is not being the ambassador for Christ that he ought to be - then that's just sad but all we can do is pray for him because he's in a position to do great or terrible things in the next 4 years.

James (Cadogan) told me that I should vote because if I didn't, then I didn't have a right to complain about the outcome. I think that's a bad mentality to have, because if America is a nation of complainers, then that's not productive.

What's done is done and no amount of ranting and raving is going to make Kerry the President. I think we should just focus on praying for Bush and that he would be guided by God and not by man, whether it be himself, his party, or whoever. And my conclusion would have been the same had Kerry won.

birthday reflections

So honestly speaking, yesterday was the worst birthday I've ever had. I was so sick that I left work early to go home and try to sleep it off. My back was still killing me, and I couldn't take any drugs for it because I couldn't keep food in my stomach. It was lose-lose.

The only reason I went to the dojang at all was because someone had mistakenly forwarded the email regarding the surprise cake thingy to the entire black belts list. I couldn't take the bb class because we were doing self-defense and there's no way I was going to let Kay throw me around. Well, I wouldn't do that if I was healthy, but with my back problems? No way.

So once again I was absolutely useless.

BUT. Despite the general suckiness, I did get a lot of happy birthday wishes (mostly from people in Boston - Susan must've sent out an email, am I right?) =) No one at work knew it was my birthday but that's OK. I was too sick to care in the daytime. Melanie was really sweet and her mom baked a gorgeous cake and it was really nice. Sab Jr mandated that everyone needs to practice their singing (oh boy were they out of tune!) but it was still cool.

Adolfo gave me this sweatshirt which he had made. Which I don't think I would ever wear because it looks like it's been spray painted on. But it was really thoughtful and a cute gesture. on the front it says "Team West Side" and "captain" and on the back it says "Christina Park aka sparky noona 03". Maybe I'll have it framed and put it up on my wall. And James gave me a squishy panda bear. Wrapped in magazine paper and athletic tape. HAHA...it was so funny. And hard to open. My boys are thoughtful, it's cool.

Well, the good thing about being sick is if you can't eat food you can't gain weight.

So I now have 3 cakes in my fridge that look really tasty and I'm not allowed to eat any of them. Anyone want some cake?

my back...

So the weirdest thing happened this morning. Though if my back does indeed feel better it'll be worth it.

Master Oh wanted me to make him a tape of this weekend's fights, and he came by to pick it up. I meet him outside and he asks about my back. I told him it's still bothering me, and he says "oh, I can fix that".

And I'm thinking HOW is he going to fix my back, short of praying for it? I have a hard enough time trusting chiropractors to crack my back, let alone some master who I'm sure isn't liscensed. So he keeps insisting that he knows how to fix it and I'm not one to argue with authority so we found a place on the ground (outside, in front of my building) and he proceeds to do some twisting stuff and cracking it.

It HURT. Well, chiropractic stuff always hurts before it feels better.

But the embarassing part was that while I was writhing in pain on the ground, two guys come by in suits and ties and attempt to save me. Because from their point of view, they see a girl on the ground in pain with some middle aged man on top of her.

I guess I should be thankful that people cared enough to try and help.

Though really I'll just be thankful if my back stops hurting. Rawr...I'm not sure if this made it better or worse...