different

Back to the land of no sleep. How can I possibly average <6hrs/night? This is probably why I'm sick. Rawr sick. At least it gives me an excuse not to get trashed tonight since I'm so drugged up on Sudafed. Yay not trashed.

Liza is super duper awesome. I didn't realize how much I missed training with her until now. We had dinner and it was so good to catch up, though I talk to her on IM all day every day at work so it's not like we were totally out of touch or anything. But still, it's good to know that with some friends, things don't change with distance.

She said something interesting which I've been mulling over since then...that sometimes when you make a decision to make a change (in my case, moving from Boston to NY), you don't really realize what you're losing because you're looking at what you're gaining. And while I certainly don't regret my decision, and God knows Sabs chew me out enough about not living in the past and moving forward and all that - I'm realizing more and more what I had in Boston that I sorely lack here. Part of it is just natural - college (or collegiate, since undergrad life was almost 3 years ago) is a very unique time in life. Quite possibly the best 4 (or 6 in my case) years of my life though I won't depress myself by reminding myself that they're over. But everyone has to graduate and move on sometime, and life after college really isn't ever the same. Community isn't right there in your face, knocking on your door all the time with a care package.

Perhaps it's because the honeymoon stage is over and I'm trying to deal with the growing pains of my new community, or because I still haven't found a church that I'm comfortable with...whatever it is, this Christmas season made me realize how much I had in Boston that perhaps I didn't appreciate enough until it was gone.

It was little things that reminded me...Christmas cards especially. Nathan and John sent me one and I remembered d-crew and how much I missed just socializing and just laughing all the time. Ryan's "present" made me laugh, but his card made me remember all those times he would voluntarily bring 2 hogus to the ACF retreats when I had a tournament coming up so that I could kick him. And how even though I bruised his ribs through the hogus, he sucked it up and never said anything until his face kind of turned green and I made him stop. He wrote "come back and kick me!" and I realized that I had some really loyal hubae's who would volunteer to help me before I even asked. How Erica would sit there with a stopwatch and just time me as I jumped rope, and how she sent me an inspirational message every day for a month before Collegiate Worlds. How I could always count on Dan or Chinedum to be there when it counted. How Liza pulls me up by the ponytail when I'm sucking wind and makes me stand up. All those hours that Rich held for me and sparred with me...and how he'd put on his headgear and just charge at me so I could get practice kicking to the head for real. All the good luck cards the MIT club made for the tournaments I went to without them, and how they worked so hard and believed me when I believed in them. All the late night conversations with Margaret and how I could talk with her forever. The "we love you sparky" card that the fsgl's made when I was really down about jobsearching, and how they came over to my apt. with flowers on mother's day. How Alex punted a project to let me cry on his shoulder when I had the big meltdown senior year, and how he was angry on my behalf when that guy was mean to me. Being snowed in with Aimee and Helen and watching 22 episodes of Friends and eating a lot of dduk-gook, and the birthday party that they threw for me and Peter when everyone came dressed up like us - I'll never forget Helen parading around in 3 layers of Nike and Danny wearing a white t-shirt with the "forgive" circle taped on the front. The staff team and seeing the fruits of ministry...for the kingdom of God, and the glory of Peter! And underneath it all, for some reason that I don't even know, I miss Peter. How he sat in the dark room humming hymns when I was deathly ill and half delirious listening to me moan about how I wanted to die. I still remember how much my head was pounding and how high my fever was and whatever was eating at my stomach that wouldn't let me take medicine...and how in that sucky utter misery he stayed with me and when he put his hand on my forehead and prayed for me, I was able to sleep...

When I think about it...I had some pretty awesome friends. Well, still have in some cases. But that's what I left behind without really looking back...until now.

Everyone's gotta move on some time. And it's only natural that adjustment is hard. I guess it's all the more difficult because it seemed like such a match made in heaven from the get-go. It doesn't mean that people here haven't cared for me in their own way. James does scrape me off the floor and give pep talks so Sabs can just mow me over some more. Dodo and Scott cheer from the sidelines. Well, when Dodo's not in a poopy mood but that's another story. Daniel and Dylan give hugs and kisses. Mama Sue keeps me fed and hooks me up with good medical care. Sr did invite me over for Thanksgiving. Jr did let me cry about my knee when I hurt it. And when the doc first told me it might be torn. And when he told me for sure it was torn. Huh, for someone who loves to make me cry and hates it when it happens, he actually takes it more than I thought he did. So I guess underneath their stoic exteriors, they have hearts that beat.

The move from friends to family was something that I was looking for and something that I think I need - but I guess it's just taking some getting used to. But it's apples and oranges I guess. You can compare them up to a point, but in the end, they're just two different things.