sparky on strike

The strike isn't over. I'm just a wimp and don't have any motivation.

Being mad is probably better than being apathetic. Because if emotions are extreme, they're still there, and they might swing back the other way. But if that's what they want, then fine...I think I'd rather be mad than sad. Ranting and raving was at least cathartic and causes you to expect things to be better than they are...now it's just settling into accepting that everything sucks.

Every morning I wake up and my knee aches. And then I move it and it hurts. And then I think about having to get through the whole day and not being able to do the thing that I love most - and I just want to go back to sleep. But I can't so I get up and go about business as usual. And as I go through the day, there are times that I forget that I'm gimpy - but I'm always reminded before long. When I see the bus and start running to catch it - and then miss it because I can't run fast enough and my knee locks. When I go up and down stairs and hear it click. When I dream about kicking and all the mechanics of things that could go wrong flash in front of me. When I kicked my wall really hard in my sleep and bruised my toes. And it makes me wonder whether I'll ever be completely healed up and kicking the way I was before. Even if it physically heals (which I don't know if it will) - I don't think I'll be able to kick the same way. Everything's out of a different perspective now. There are way too many things that can go wrong, too many ways it could possibly get hurt again, or worse.

This is all going to be twice as hard when Jr comes back.

And my dad still sucks. I don't know how it's possible that he's obnoxious and insulting and in standing up for myself somehow I end up feeling bad. That's so not right. Strike #2 is also on.