feet like deer. take me away.

The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
He enables me to go on the heights
-Habbakuk 3:19

I'm assuming deer have healthy knees.

When it's all said and done (not that anything's been said nor done...and not that "it" has clearly been defined) - I can say that one thing I will take away is that you will definitely remember who was there for you and who wasn't. Some surprising, some not.

"He knows you disapprove of him. He knows you think he's weak. But he's not weak. He's decent. And if you or Bruce or anyone tries to beat that out of him, I swear to God I'll take him away." -Searching for Bobby Fischer

Every time I want to cave, I just remember sitting in that office staring at my hands. I really ought to use more lotion, they're quite dry. I think that's the first time that I've actually been angry at them - like, internally indignant that they're not right. Of course it hurts and I took things personally - but there was a part of me that just wanted to yell at him and tell him he was wrong, that he was a jerk. But of course the good Korean in me just kept picking at my sweater sleeves.

Adolfo's a good kid. He tries. Even if he's just a kid.

"You know they treat you different than anyone else in the dojang right?"

"Yeah, like crap"

"No really - like they come for you. And they talk to you."

"It's because I'm Korean"

"A is Korean"

"But he's...A. He doesn't really talk."

"B is Korean"

"But he's not good"

"C is Korean"

"He's never here"

"You know what I mean"

"You know why they talk to me? Because I talk to them. Because I make all the effort. And see what happens when I stop making effort? It dies."

It does me no good to "know" that they care - in some ambiguous we're-going-to-show-everyone-except-you sort of way. That means nothing.

I'll believe it when I see it.

Maybe I don't need to go anymore. It'd be a lie to say I don't need them, but I'm tired of all this. Then again, they're so dense that my return to the dojang will just make them assume everything is fine. And everything's not fine.

Feet like a deer. Take me away.