hope

the email i sent my prayer supporters...what an epiphany. on easter weekend no less.

i made some definite decisions this weekend. one of which was a deal with God that if i win - i will write a testimony and submit it to pastor danny for a sunday testimony. it sounds like i'm trying to bribe God to give me the victory - but it's more of a promise that in the happiness if i win, that i will remember who the glory goes to, and turn this into a public testimony of the happy ending (or beginning) to my journey.

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Thank you for your prayers - my achilles has been a bit more cooperative this week! It's still bothering me, but it was much more manageable.

As I sit here with ice packs strapped to my legs, I realize I am so lucky, and that I have incredible opportunities to be thankful for. The Danish National Team coach came on Saturday and ran a practice for us. (Coincidentally, the World Championships this year will be in Denmark). It was a really valuable time of learning, and I can only hope I soaked it all in. He was also a great source of encouragement to me and built my confidence for this upcoming Team Trials - it was really inspiring to hear all his feedback (pos and neg), but in general to have someone so technical and has seen the world think that I belong with the top fighters - what a morale boost!

In many ways, I feel that God has been really gracious to me in this preparation in providing what I need when I need it. From training partners, prayer partners and your words of encouragement, and now even the Danish coach injecting some hope at just the time I needed inspiration - it feels so different this time especially compared to 2007, when my coaches were occupied, I had no physical place to train so I'd be kicking in the park, and my training partners were my two "little brothers" who had less experience than I did.

Yesterday as I parted with Coach J, he said to me "I will see you in Denmark - on the competition floor" And as I shook his hand, I said "I hope so, sir". He looked at me and says "No. You know so."

This exchange brought me back once again to Romans 5, where suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope - and the notion that hope isn't something we wish for, but something we have confidence in because we know it to be true.

As I look back on my long journey of trying to make national Team and falling short every time - I see that all the heartache and "suffering" produced a dogged perseverance each year as I thought of retiring and giving up on my dream. And each year I chose to continue, God addressed so many of my insecurities and fears in the arena of failure and identity - to bring me to a point where I see hope more clearly.

When I used to hope I'd win, it'd be more of the wishful hope - the "gosh, it would be so great if I could" or "I hope the preparation was enough". But this time more than before, the hope I am gaining is the confidence in finally understanding my abilities, and believing when people say that my game is strong and that I have everything it takes to be on the national team, to be a world champion. And of course, confidence in a God who can overcome death and consequently help me overcome fear, nervousness, injuries, circumstances, and doubt.

Normally I would withhold this kind of sharing until after I won - because I wouldn't want to say I was going to win or get anyone's expectations up for fear of disappointing or the shame of coming back having professed to have been something I'm not. But I see more and more that I have to say out loud that which I want so badly inside - that whether I win or lose doesn't impress God any more or less, and that He knows the desires of my heart whether I voice them or not. And that voicing them out loud is critical for me to grow because that in itself is another risk.

So for this tournament, I want to put my whole heart out there, from this point forward - to say out loud that I want to win, that I know I can win, and that I WILL win. Not just for the win itself, but for what it means to me to actually say it.

More than anything else, I would like April 24th to give God my very best with everything He's given me - to be able to walk away from that day knowing that I was fully prepared and that I withheld nothing.

Please pray for:
-fatigue - my legs and my body are having trouble flushing out the lactic acid. In the last week and half of tapering, please pray that I will recover and peak at the right time.
-injuries - achilles, fingers (i still think one might be broken, at least a hairline) and protection from any further injuries
-confidence in the hope that never fails, and in myself as a child of God
-continuing to build mental strength and stay focused up to tournament day

Happy Easter everyone! =)