tik tok

i don't know why, but i really like this song. which is even more strange bc it normally drives me bananas when people say "po-po" for police. or when the emphasis is on the wrong syllable of a word (like PO-lice instead of po-LICE) - case in point, UM-brella, which i think is the worst song ever.

anyways.

yesterday's sermon and sermon discussion was really interesting. sometimes pd goes all over the place, but what i think is pretty cool is that the more scattered his sermons seem, the better the punchline at the end. it's kind of like 5.12 (orgo)...didn't make any sense until the final exam, when it all came together.

so the text was jeremiah 32, which is pretty long. (i think he lost some people with that alone). basically the chapter is about how jeremiah's been prophesying all his life about how God is going to bring destruction bc they're disobedient. and on the brink of disaster, God tells him to go and buy this land. ( 6 Jeremiah said, "The word of the LORD came to me: 7 Hanamel son of Shallum your uncle is going to come to you and say, 'Buy my field at Anathoth, because as nearest relative it is your right and duty to buy it.' )

this whole passage rang a bell with me because it finally let me put my finger on something that had been nagging me. i had a lingering doubt when it came to my new apt.

in early 2005, when i bought my current apt, i weighed the pros and cons of renting vs. buying, factoring in the important things in my life at the time (namely, tkd). as my current residence was evicting all tenants to turn it into a hotel, i was left wondering what was most important to me in a living situation. and i decided they were:

1) within walking distance of the dojang, because that's where i would be 6 days/wk
2) doorman, elevator building, because there's no way i was walking up stairs when i was sore and gimpy most of the time

so at the end of the day, i decided to buy, with the plan (henceforth known as the "5 year plan") that i would live here for 5 years. the 5 year plan was a commitment to stay in nyc for 5 years, at which point, i would presumably have accomplished all of my competition goals and be ready to move on. furthermore, the idea was that in 5 years i would be getting married (or on my way), and depending on the financial situation of the guy, i would sell my apt and use that towards buying a "real" apt - or we would buy a new apt and i'd keep this one as an investment property and rent it out.

fast forward to the summer of 2009.

here i was, following a literally crippling year recovering from a knee injury then hand surgeries, dated only one guy and he turned out to be a total douche. stuck in my tiny apt and unable to climb the ladder to the loft bed left me thinking...i'm 28 years old. i'm too old to live in a bunk bed. i need a real kitchen where i can cook. being confined to the apt while delirious on percocet made me realize...i NEED SPACE. and the economy had tanked, making it a bad time to sell but a good time to buy. and since i couldn't do anything that would make me sweat or use my hand - i had absolutely nothing to do.

so i decided to look for a new apt. a few months later, i found my winner. the apt i wanted at a price i could afford, and we were now at the 4.5 year mark of the 5 year plan.

but as i looked at the reams and reams of contracts and other such paperwork...and thought about how to spell out the enormous checks i would have to write for down payments...there was a nagging feeling i couldn't place. and now i know what it was.

there are more christian women out there than men. in nyc, the ratio of eligibles is even more skewed, as people who would otherwise be eligible are workaholics, and this city generally promotes pushing back settling down later and later. or just being a heathen.

sometimes i entertain thoughts that it'd be more productive to pick up and move to a different part of the country and inject myself into new communities. if the problem is meeting people, then clearly sticking around unsuccessful venues is not likely to succeed.

i love my communities here, and i'm well established in them - but maybe that's not productive.

so when i thought about signing the contracts...i realized...this was making a commitment. a commitment to stay in this city where it's cold, people are mean, it's difficult to meet marriage material, the price per square foot is ridiculous...where i don't know what direction my tkd career will take me next, and all of my best friends have long since moved on...

and yet we've planted this new church, and this is the first church in my life that i've voluntarily become a member of and felt good about...i have a job that isn't exactly what i thought i'd be doing, but it's not half bad and way flexible...i have extended family in the area and i love being able to see my nieces and nephew grow up...my tutoring is successful and my kids are doing well...

so i signed the masses of papers, wrote the insane checks, sold my current place, and started making arrangements to shift into the next stage of life.

yes, the husband was taking too long, so i went ahead with the house. i guess he can move in if he comes along. but at the end of the day, the passage gave a bit of hope that despite making an investment and commitment into something that seems to unlikely to be fruitful...that God says destruction is coming, but i'm already preparing you for restoration. (emphasis pd)

17 "Ah, Sovereign LORD, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.

it's definitely too hard for me. as the one thing in my life that effort or talent or initiative has had no bearing, i waver between frustration and throwing my hands up. but God was never a God of probabilities.

26 Then the word of the LORD came to Jeremiah: 27 "I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?

sometimes OT suprises you by being relevant. my new apt is projected to finish may 1. which inevitably means it'll be done in the summer. if i get to move in in august, it'll have been 5 years exactly since the closing of my first apt.

God's brought me a long way since august 2005. i didn't accomplish or receive any of the things i expected or wanted. and i'd by lying if i said i wasn't disappointed, because i am - quite sorely so. but with each apt was a choice to deplete my savings and live in dependence that this investment wouldn't tank.

tick tock, goes the clock.