hold on

so nearing the end of the second week of my fasting, jacob said something interesting...he asked me why i didn't enjoy it. well, something along those lines. if fasting was inundating me with (more) God and not being (happily) distracted ... isn't that what i should want?

it hasn't been life-changing, nor do i really know if i'm learning anything. i do pray more than i used to, mostly because i'm reminded by the christian music that i had wanted to pray on my commute. and the lyrics that run through my head are now more hopeful and edifying. but has that made me any more positive and hopeful? i'm not sure.

i had 2 independent discussions yesterday on the topic of dating, marriage, how people think i'm too picky or narrow-minded, etc. and i found myself still rooted in my old ways that i was trying to break. i think i still feel abandoned by God when it comes down to it...a little confused, a little bitter, a lot tired and impatient.

and like the other things where it feels unresolved...

there was a song i came across this morning on my commute. i initially played it a few times just because i liked the chord progressions and it was catchy - but as i listened to the lyrics, i ended up playing it on repeat.

as i listened to myself explain to dori why it's important to filter and screen and not let yourself be subject to the emotions of just falling in love with whoever...i think that's precisely the same logic and perhaps self protective measure i use with God. hope disappoints, so after awhile, you just don't want to hope. or have high hopes.

12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. -Proverbs 13:12

but perhaps that's what it comes down to. holding on.

* * * * * * *

HOLD ON

I keep telling myself hold on it's almost over
But the tears keep rolling down when I'm in bed
In my desperation I keep losing my perspective
And I feel like life is losing me instead

More than anybody I testify to seeing
That Your faithfulness could kill my despair
I kept shouting out I knew You would I didn't doubt
But You saw past all the things that I declared

Hold on You said to me cause I'm never leaving
You know this life's too short so start believing
That I can I can do it and you can oh you can endure
Through whatever comes your way
Hey na na na...

I keep searching for some answers that will satisfy me
Cause it's in this human nature You know
I keep telling You to come on down take me over
I'm admitting that I didn't mean it though

Hold on You said to me cause I'm never changing
You know this life's too short so start believing
That I can I can do it and you can oh you can endure
Through whatever comes your way
Hey na na na...