good riddance, 28.

i need a vacation. i just want to ignore everyone, everything, and just stay in my apt and sleep. sleep until i can sleep no more. and then lie in bed and read a book. man, i need some prayer or something - this funk is killing me. as are the crazy parents (mine and the ones of the kids i tutor).

so i've been trying to detect what all this is. i was reading the tipping point recently and it had this whole section about why people smoke. as revolting as it is - it's basically a boost to your brain that makes you feel good. well for me that's endorphines. adrenaline. from working out, and working out hard.

it's been 4 months since i've been able to do that. 6-8, really, if i think about the last time i was trainig HARD. no wonder i'm so depressed lately - all i've been doing is sitting around. playing football, sure, but let's face it. that's recreational at best, and most of the time is spent standing around. except for tues conditioning practices - jdong is awesome.

i think this is the first year that i haven't really been looking forward to the fball tournament. if anything - i'm looking forward to it because then it'll be over. never thought i'd say that.

it's funny - despite the dissatisfaction with this or that, or the disappointments of this season (circumstances, personally, whatever) - i always loved to play. it's kind of like adambanks in mightyducks. when faced with a choice of having to leave the team he had always known and considered his teammates for a less developed team that didn't welcome him and not playing at all - he chose to play. "i just want to play hockey".

well, i just want to play football. but when your hand is busted, you lose your starting position, most of your closer friends don't come back this year and you're stuck with some people who just don't seem to like you even though you make efforts to cater to their (often unreasonable) personalities - well - sometimes you just don't want to play. or maybe i just don't feel like a part of the team this year, and fball being such a team sport...it makes it no fun.

times like this i miss thrillers so much. and i know that it was a good thing they disbanded it, and that it was the last straw i needed to finally cut the cord and move on to another church. and i know that joy is the church God wants me to be at right now. but it doesn't make it any easier. those were the best times. much like many memories of being fully accepted, putting my heart out there and into people, and thriving in watching people grow, in growing myself.

as i approach another birthday i wonder...have the best times just all been had? does it ever get better? i decided to stop looking at 29 with dread, or as a reminder of how all the things i had wanted to accomplish in my life up until this point - have been shot down by the wayside.

but in a way - i'm glad it will be a new year. because i'm ready to put 28 behind me. the suckiest year by far, i don't want to jinx myself by saying it couldn't get any worse - but it's been pretty bad. and i hope more than anything else...that the worst is over.