29, please don't suck

well. so 29 is upon us. and by us i mean me.

once again election day comes to steal my thunder. (which is supremely ironic since i don't vote and adamantly avoid politics).

i just realized this morning that i have this really odd habit. when i wake up in the morning, the first thing i do is hit the snooze and look at the time. (that's normal). then i think back to last night and try to remember what time i fell asleep. not went to bed. fell asleep. so sometimes that involves figuring out what time i crawled up into the loft, and estimating how long it took me to pass out.

i've been noticing for awhile that i do this, but i just figured out why. based on those numbers and how much sleep i got - i tell myself whether it's reasonable for me to feel tired or not. granted, i almost never have the luxury of waking up without an alarm, and just lying in bed comfortably. so in general, i'll always wake up tired. but i want to know whether i'm justified to feel tired, or whether i just need to suck it up because i really shouldn't be.

boy is my mind messed up. but i guess that's kind of how i operate - usually when i get upset at someone or about something, i'll relay the situation to a friend and ask if it's reasonable for me to be upset. and if they validate - then i'll be upset. like, REALLY upset. but then if they don't, i have to think about it and how to suck it up. it's weird. but i guess it prevents some meltdowns.

anyways.

i would have treated myself to a day off of work today, if not for the fact that my boss wanted to take me out to lunch. otherwise my birthday plans are ... work. hand therapy. fball prac. actually, i would have skipped fball today if not for the fact that it's the last practice and attendance affects playing time.

why am i such a grandma??

though ironically the best birthday i had in recent memory (or perhaps overall) was 27 - when the football tourney fell on my birthday. again, great team, great coaches, great times. have never felt more loved or thrived so much in being myself. which is quite the opposite of the environment impending, but what can you do.

anyways.

sab asked me last night when the camp was. i bet i missed the deadline to apply for the wildcard spot. he asked me if i wasn't interested. i didn't know.

as 29 hits me i find myself completely lost because...i don't have any goals. the goals that i've held onto all these years athletically and personally - well, i could renew them, i suppose. but i don't know if i want to. part of me definitely does. but the other part of me is tired of being defeated and disappointed.

i've always been too stubborn to be a quitter but...being stubborn takes a lot of effort. waving the white flag...well it sucks. but i'm just so tired. i would love to give it another shot. i miss training hard, training with sab, and i think i'm still getting better. but i just can't take heartbreak one more time. at some point, after you lose in every way imaginable - you'd think you'd go numb but it just gets worse.

so then what?

work doesn't entice me, professional goals aren't appealing, and i have a disappointingly meager amount of faith that i'll actually meet mr_right.

all in all - i think i'm averse to making, upholding, or even believing in goals looking forward because...i'm tired of falling short, being disappointed, and i'm REALLY tired of being in the emergency room.

but i'm inherently goal-oriented. so in getting through the day to day, feeling drained by people and demands and finding the best moments of my day reading on the train or watching sportscenter by myself at night (which will become less entertaining as football season draws to a close, since i have no interest in basketball)...something's gotta change. i need direction. i'm not comfortable sitting still, but i don't want to go anywhere.

what a thoroughly random post. i wonder if i've become an introvert.

29, please don't suck. pretty please.