could've would've should've. didn't.

my new year's resolution is to be less of a grandma. ok fine, it's not even the end of october yet, but...i'm such an ahjumma and perfectly ok with it. i get tired at midnight. and i'm ok with staying at home on a friday night watching tv and playing games on fb.

danc called me at 10.30 tonight saying he and chin and charls were coming down from boston and to see if i could come out. by the time i called him back (after 11p) they were almost here...and after a long day of fball and outlet shopping (yes, christmas is upon us, and i unfortunately packed away half of the gifts i had already bought and put them into storage in the 'extreme thinning of material possessions' effort) - it took formidable effort to overcome activation energy.

but it's danc and chin and i missed the mit reunion weekend last week, and...well, why not? so i went out, and joined their cornell tkd reunion and...it was fun.

there's a part of me that wishes i partied more (or rather, partied at all) when i was younger. (to which chin interjected that i'm still young and i should go party now). though i really do feel too old.

but i wonder, in all my years of studying and training and more training and traveling and even more training - did i miss out?

at the end of the day, i always kept doing tkd and putting my head down and just pushing, pushing, pushing all the time - because i stood by the statement that i would rather regret the things i did do than the things i didn't do. but at the end of the day, all i regret are the things i didn't get to do. which i suppose i shouldn't feel so bad about because i did what i could do - but in the end i still didn't get what i wanted, and that was one heck of a lot of sacrifice to fall short.

i looked around the bar at all these people having a good time. it was good music, good company, and generally good tasting drinks that i probably drank too fast. (mental image of mikey shaking his head at me for my tendency to just drink whatever is put in front of me. what can i say? i get thirsty.) but i wondered...is this what normal people do? and do i wish i was normal? (while being well aware that i'm NOT normal).

i wish i hadn't turned down all the birthdays and such that i'd been invited to. that i'd learned how to dress appropriately, act appropriately (i'm still unsure as to what the protocol is for tipping a bartender), stay awake past midnight, and the like.

but...it requires so much effort. and i really do like watching reruns and playing games on fb.