wrestling

"[God] is able to do infinitely more than we ever dare to ask." -Ephesians 3:20

Funny how this was the focus verse in one of my QT's during the lowest part of last week. With the ever-recurring New Year's Resolution to be consistent with quiet times (hey, you know you made it too), I've been using the Power Up daily devotions from Sports Spectrum, and it's been pretty good so far. (By the way, great magazine for Christian athletes or sports enthusiasts - I highly recommend it!)

So when I think about the anecdote that they give, I realized that there are certain aspects of my life that are touchy points with God. Usually where the track record has been one where it's very difficult to see not only that He's still with me, but that He will provide. I think one of the hardest things for me to reconcile is when I've felt abandoned by God. I know that that is not true - His promises say that He won't leave us or forsake us...but sometimes when you feel that God has passed you by, it's a real test of faith to hang on to what you really can't see in the moment. What you can't see until later. What you may not ever see in this lifetime.

Career/employment has been a difficult arena where I've really wrestled with God and struggled to find His will - sometimes in the midst of seeming silence. It's been a blow to my ego from day 1 of my first job search back when I was graduating from grad school, to see the economy flop and offers that seemed to be in the bag turn around and be rescinded. And in the midst of this, it was even more confusing to watch those around me be provided for and find careers that suited them, yet never find that same satisfaction or direction myself. I struggled each year with feelings of abandonment and lack of direction, and even now carry the question of provision and resolution with me.

Coming out of school I had what seemed to be an attractive resume and decent interviewing skills. Finding a job was not something I thought I would ever have to worry about. However, I quickly realized that a job is not just about employment and what you do for 8+ hours a day, but that there were other factors to consider including location, atmosphere, growth, industry...and more. After much fruitless searching, with an inkling that I was to stay in Boston and serve on IV staff - I found myself back at square one. It was almost as if He'd shut all other possible doors to be employed at the same time, so I decided to take the full year off from working.

The following year, I was challenged to pursue this Taekwondo thing, and investigate what God's purpose was for certain talents and passions I had. In the midst of yet another stab at interviewing and flying all across the country to take exams and put on my happy face, I finally made the hard decision of forfeiting a well-paying and resume-building opportunity to move to New York and pursue this crazy pipe dream. Last year, the choice came down to "what I should do" vs. "what I want to do". This is what makes me an ESFJ - I went with my heart. Turning down Exxon was one of the hardest decisions I had to make, because it wasn't as if I had another offer on the table - I was turning all of that down for an unknown. As far as I could tell, I was going to take my 2 degrees from MIT and go work at Starbucks.

Ironically, after all of the stress of technical interviewing, sitting by the phone for companies to string me along, and turning down the only offer I had - when I felt convicted to move for another purpose, flying by the seat of my pants and trusting God to provide - an engineering related job near the city fell into my lap. I had literally finished writing the email to Sabs asking for a meeting to discuss the proposal for my moving to NYC, when I was called for an interview. It's not rocket science and there is much to be desired on many fronts, but it's gotten me by for the past year and change.

I can't say I regret the decisions and sacrifices I've made, because for what was sacrificed in career I've gained in life lessons and experiences. Some painful, some phenomenal - but all insightful and definitely memorable. The year on Staff was unforgettable, with experiences in ministry that have shaped me and showed me God's heart for the campus. Having never gone on a missions trip, that year was, in a way, like a missions trip into college ministry. This past year in Taekwondo has been one of discovery and sharpening of my character, with lessons in discipline and perseverance and strangely enough, in love. Not a cheesy romantic love, but in understanding love that is shown through sacrifice, deepening relationships to the point of allowing hurt to cut deep, and experiencing reconciliation and redemption.

As I approach yet another fork in the road with variations on the same theme, I can't help but wonder why these situations recur. Once again after a quick frenzy of interviews, I'm presented with the same question of what my dealbreakers are and what I truly prioritize. Am I willing to give up the "better" choice on paper for where my heart tells me to go? Or is it time to grow up and be "responsible"? Will God provide a direction that will not be just "settling"? Does it always have to be black and white? Will my career have to continue to take such a complete backseat for the other priorities in my life, or is there a way to make it work? Is it wasting the opportunities in education that God has given me, should I choose once again not to pursue that arena?

Sometimes I wonder if God gives me hard decisions to make with variables that cannot be easily compared so that I search for and refine my priorities...or whether it's to render me helpless to have no choice but to follow...(and maybe it's un-holy to say but let's face it - I really don't like it).

It's like when I teach private lessons, sometimes when the kids groan at the prospect of a drill and drag their feet in anticipation of something they don't want to do, I'll give them a choice.

"You can do 3 sets in a row, or you can do the 3 sets with a break in between, but have an extra drill of my choice at the end"

Inevitably, the kids will always ask me "well, what's the extra drill gonna be?"

Naturally, they'd want to know what the full options are before making a decision - these aren't stupid kids. But I never tell them. Last week this happened with one of my girls, and after deliberating, she finally just shrugged and said "either way, you're going to decide what we do, so it doesn't really matter." Sometimes that simple faith that my kids give me is so challenging - if these kids can trust me to push them to their limits yet give me 100%...why can't I give that same trust to God?

In the midst of all this uncertainty, I wonder what to do with the choices or lack thereof before me. I wonder how God plans to put the pieces of my life together, because it seems so unlikely to me that they could possibly fit together - something's gotta give. I realized recently that the chip on my shoulder still remains: will God provide?

Much like Jacob in the chasm, I often feel like I'm wrestling with God and not making any progress.

²⁴ So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. ²⁵ When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. ²⁶ Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak." But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me." -Genesis 32:24-26

In his book "Daring to Draw Near", John White has a whole chapter on this passage. (Would highly recommend this book if you're looking to study prayer).

Picture the wrestling as God seeking to help Jacob understand something. Picture him as urging upon Jacob truths that Jacob was unwilling to see. Picture him, as they struggle, trying to convince Jacob that he means him no harm, that his intentions are not malicious but merciful...

But Jacob is too afraid. All his life he has learned one lesson: It is safe to trust no one. Jacob must fight his own battles. So he wrestles on, terrified but unyielding. Then, suddenly - incredible pain and a useless leg.

Have you ever tried wrestling with lumbago or a slipped disc? If you should ever find yourself in Jacob's situation, let me tell you what you will do. You will cling. You will hang onto your opponent with desperation. Either you cling or you fall.

And through the fog of pain and terror the words begin to penetrate Jacob's brain, "Let me go, for the day is breaking."

Let him go? How can he? He isn't even sure whether he can walk...

...for once, since he has no choice, no other hope, Jacob's tenacity is turned in the right direction.

"I will not let you go unless you bless me."

They are words that God has waited over forty years to hear. He would have preferred that Jacob recognize his helplessness and cast himself on the mercy of his God long before. He did not wish to reduce him to such an extremity, but Jacob left him little choice. And God's response is swift in coming. Jacob had conquered by his helpless dependency.

I used to read that passage and think that Jacob had had the audacity to challenge God to a wrestling match and force God to use His advantage to cripple him to win. It seemed strange to me that God couldn't just beat him fair and square. But now when I think about it, God didn't want to beat him. God wanted Jacob to understand that he needed Him. And for how stubborn Jacob was, God had to take him to a point where he realized he couldn't do it on his own.

I'm still approaching this week (or coming weeks, should this be dragged out) with trepidation. But perhaps the lack of certainty or security is the point.

Michael Card said it best:

To hear with my heart, to see with my soul
To be guided by a hand I cannot hold
To trust in a way that I cannot see
That's what faith must be