As I get older (gosh I sound like a halmo) I'm seeing the difference between wants and needs. And how when they conflict, you have to do what is needed over what is wanted. (Or not wanted, as the case may be). I think this is one of the hardest positions to be in - when you realize what you must do but know that it will involve pain or sacrifice or something likewise unpleasant. Looking back at 2005, I feel like this year was characterized with learning how to endure pain and face irrational fears with a greater purpose and end goal in mind.
In short - making mature and responsible decisions. Not that I claim to be neither mature nor responsible, but in this in-between state of the mid-20's, I see both sides of the equation. At least, more clearly than I did before.
This popped up rather unexpectedly last week, when I jumped back into training mode and found my hamstrings in clear rebellion and in need of help. I'm talking moseying-like-a-cowboy, unable-to-reach-anywhere-near-my-toes kind of rebellion. It wasn't pretty.
My help was found in one of the other masters at the dojang: Mr. Lim the master stretcher. The man has a way of stretching hamstrings that gets you deep in your muscles, right to your limit when you think something's going to tear...and then lets you go to writhe on the floor trying to recover.
On one hand, nothing feels better than that feeling right after a good stretch. It's so 'shi-wun-heh' (no Korean on this computer)...refreshing? renewing? I can't express in English how good the feeling is. But it's so good, especially after you tire your muscles out with a good hard workout.
On the other hand - it's some of the most intense and excrutiating pain I've ever felt. And coming from someone who does a sport where the objective is to hit and be hit...that' s saying something. These 5-10 minutes of what I affectionately call the "Mr Lim Torture Sessions" run the gamut of emotions from wanting to saw off my own leg to wanting to take a nap.
The thing with Mr Lim is, you have to be careful what you ask for, because he doesn't do anything halfway. The man has absolutely no feelings of sympathy or pity - no guilt whatsoever about inflicting pain. I think the real reason why his stretching is so effective is because...he just doesn't care how much you scream and beg to be released...he won't let your leg go until he's gotten every last millimeter of stretch out of that muscle.
Particularly when I'm ramping up for a competition and working out hard so that my legs and hips are constantly shocked into tightness, stretching with Mr Lim is key to maintenance. Unpleasant, but key. I've scared many a white belt who have witnessed this, because even when we're contained in the glass sealed PeeWee room, there's a visceral reaction to fight it, screaming all the while. And by screaming I don't mean the way that I make sudden shrieks when something surprises me...like when I drop a piece of food on the ground. I'm talking about the verbal expression of pain that only comes from deep inside your gut when something is just THAT unbearable. It is, in fact, torture.
It's easy to see the value in training because there is one overarching purpose - to win. Everything you do or don't do is designed in layers that overlap to get you to your goal. And not everything is pleasant or 'fun' - in fact, much of it is just plain hard work. They don't cliche it 'blood, sweat, and tears' for nothing. But oftentimes it's in doing the things that you don't want to do and enduring initial pain that leads to increased performance.
As I look back on 2005, I'm seeing more clearly that it's often been in the times of pain, frustration or imcomprehension that I've been 'stretched' the most. Tearing my knee made me a better fighter. Having hard conversations with overbearing parents forced me into confrontation and helped me grow into my role of authority. Losing my temper and asking for forgiveness was humbling.
Ultimately, all this 'stretching' was merely growing pains. Sometimes willingly, oftentimes unwillingly...taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back...but always moving forwards. And though it's been excrutiatingly painful at the time that it's happening...you can't really learn and grow without it. And when looking back weeks, months, maybe even years later - it finally makes sense and feels good.
Stretching is funny like that - because in the end, you can't stretch yourself anywhere near as well as when someone else stretches you. It's physically impossible. But that someone better know what they're doing!
Mr Lim never works on my hamstrings unless I ask him to. Even though I fight it, there has to be a base level of cooperation to make any progress. When I think about it, I'm putting a crazy amount of trust in him, that he's not going to break my hamstring (which is the most valuable muscle for kicking!) I guess I'm admitting that he knows better than I do where my limits are and what's best for my legs. Even when it hurts.
I often ask God why things happen (it's that annoying little kid in me - I just have to know). But I think most of the time, He doesn't tell me because if I really knew...I wouldn't go through with things because I'd be too fixated on the unpleasantries at hand. But there's comfort in knowing that He knows better than I do where my limits are and what's best. Even when it hurts.
Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 3:13-14
T-minus 5 days.
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