Sr said something interesting to me right before I left. He was talking about how this is the first time he's ever seen me genuinely excited about a tournament, and that it's been a marked change in attitude lately. I guess maybe it has. But what surprised me was when he said that he was kind of sad to let me go. That what they wanted for me all this time, what all their mind games and beat downs and distancing was for me to gain an independence and self-reliance to not need them to hold my hand and be by my side - but now that they've seen it happen, they almost miss it. I guess he's right, it's like a parent with a child - you want them to be able to stand on their own, but there is a certain bond you have when they need you, and it feels good to be needed, even if it's annoying or tiring sometimes.
I find it ironic that all this time that I felt they were so far away on purpose, they were actually right there with me. All those times they made me feel like I was such a demanding princess - there was a part of them that liked to be needed. In the last 2-3 years of competing, the one and only thing I could count on without fail was talking to Sab Jr the night before I fought. No matter where I was - Greece, Turkey, Spain, the Dominican - or no matter where he was - Prague, London, Paris - we would touch base. Haha, one time I was in Rhode Island and he was in London, but with the time difference it was Saturday afternoon, and I was literally in the ring coaching Scott when he called, and he only had 10 minutes until he had to go to a meeting. Luckily, there was a technical difficulty in the ring, and we managed to squeeze in a whole conversation before they fixed it.
The funny thing is, his pep talks are always the same. And they're not even that inspirational in what he says anymore. And a lot of the time, he's in between meetings, or I'm at dinner or something so we're usuallyrushed. But if all else fails, the one thing I know is that before I fight, I'll can count on him to tell me that I can do it, that he expects nothing less than a gold medal, and that he will bully me into saying "yes sir" until he's satisfied. All this time I treasured these moments, because it's the one commitment that he's always been able to keep. I guess it never occurred to me that perhaps he liked sharing in this as well.
Jr said it best the other day:
"I agree that we have pretty much beaten the tears out of you. Like a parent spanking a child, it hurt us more than it hurt you, you know. Actually, that's a lie. But it sounds good."
I laughed when I read this, because I always make fun of them about liking to make me cry...but on a deeper level, I think I understand. When I step back and think about it, I'm proud of myself for not crying anymore. It was a pretty painful and traumatizing process, and I'm sure annoying as anything to them...but any sort of investment has a component that makes you feel important or significant because deep down when you care about someone, it's nice to be needed.
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. That Newton knew what he was talking about, even in relationships.
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