sigh

I've resorted to blogging because no one is online...sigh.

I can't take it anymore.

Similarly to the way it was with the dojang - I feel stifled. And what I decided with the dj was that I just had to step back. That as much as anyone might say that my opinion was valued and input was appreciated - in the end it was not mine and any amount of ownership and responsibility I could take would ultimately just lead to conflict. The step back has been painful, but I just try to close my eyes when I see the things that aren't as good as they could be, and just try to focus on my private students and those who are willing to be excellent and not mediocre. I guess I can only have influence over the domain that I've been given, and should just leave it at that.

So perhaps that is what I am to learn about this small group as well. It's not mine, it's not ours - it's his. And he will run it the way he wants. So really, I'm not the mom. I'm the nanny. The babysitter.

I miss IV. I miss Susan, Danny, and Peter. I miss serving with people who are my age, who are older, who are my friends. Who make me feel valued, who gave me freedom to run with ministry, who supported me, who prayed for me. And who let me serve and love them too.