then cue nelly and call me promiscuous. i can't take it anymore. i'm hiding in the dark (bc the lightbulb blew out) of the office on the computer in the hopes - the HOPES - that maybe my parents won't talk to me for a blessed 10 minutes. after a whole day of cancelling my plans, driving them all over the place, and listening to all the nagging, complaining, nagging, commenting, nagging, and questioning...i just can't take it anymore.
it all came to a head when my mom and i went to the gym. i had finally convinced my dad to shell out for the overpriced membership at the gym/club thing on our island for my them, because my mom has wanted it forever and they're both gaining weight. i was thrilled upon registering them to find that they had an open room with mirrors, puzzle mats i could put on the floor, and a WAVEMASTER. (a freestanding kicking bag). it was the answer to my slothful-haven't-worked-out-in-a-week prayers.
so if there is one thing you do not do is stand in the way of sparky and a workout. it's like standing in the way of a fat kid at a buffet after he's been fasting for a week - just let the kid go to town. so my good mood and motivation at the prospect of a treadmill, some weights, and a kicking bag - was trodden to death before we even got out the door.
"aren't you going to bring lotion? you have to wear lotion, that's why your skin is dry. if you have dry skin now, you're going to wrinkle fast when you get older. are you really going to wear shorts? shorts are going to be cold. you don't want to catch a cold. do i bring a jacket? where do we put it? did you bring water? did you drink water today? you have to drink 8 cups of water a day, you know." (insert the frequent 'uh-muh-muh's for maximum effect, and have it go on incessantly).
have you ever wanted to plunge a pencil into your ear so that maybe you won't be able to hear anymore?
life is a lot easier if you're just selfish. you get what you want, and you're usually oblivious to how selfish you're being so you don't feel bad about it. it's ironic to me that when you try not to be selfish, you realize just how selfish you really are. before, i used to just come home, plop myself down and set myself to relax. it was my vacation time. i made plans with friends, and scheduled my parents in for some quality time where i saw fit. if they nagged me, it lasted for a bit and then eventually i'd explode or otherwise make it clear that i wasn't in the mood and they might leave me alone.
as i get older, for better or for worse, i can read more between the lines. and i can see now that what they want is someone to listen to them, to validate them, to make them feel valued, to appreciate them, to spend time with them. they want to take care of me, and love me, and tell me what's best for me (or, what they think is best for me). so given this knowledge, i've been going out of my way to attempt to be accomodating. and i say attempt because it hasn't been particularly successful. i can see pretty clearly what would be the nice and thoughtful thing to do, and i'll set out to do it - but then halfway through it becomes really hard and i'll end up losing it, which defeats the purpose of doing the nice thing to begin with. so for my efforts, the end result is - i'm so annoyed i want to burst, except now i feel guilty that i'm annoyed because i'm aware of my own impatience. somehow...this seems worse, even though it began with better intentions. how can this be?
i think paul said it best in the famous tongue twister of romans 7. the real struggle begins when you become so painfully aware of your own selfishness.
15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. -Romans 7:15-20
sometimes you desire to do what is good, even at the cost of personal comfort. but it's disappoitning to see that you just can't carry it out. i wish i could be infinitely patient and listen to the same stories and complaints over and over again and offer validation or a solution - i wish the incessant nagging wouldn't grate at me, and that i wouldn't just learn to tune it out, but accept it as the overlove that it is - but a week at home makes it Abudantly Clear that i am not.
so then what? do i just accept my failure and selfishness and just ... be selfish and make them deal with it? put my fingers in my ears and say "la la la" until they give up and stop talking at me?
21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22For in my inner being I delight in God's law; 23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. 24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! -Romans 7:21-25
someone said this a few times (rather, he quoted john piper, but i can't claim to have ever made it through a piper book so to me the quote is attributed to the person who told it to me) - that even though we're discouraged and we know that we can't do something - that we keep plugging away in the hopes that tomorrow will be easier today.
and so, the sun has set (long ago), and my time in my haven upstairs is coming to an end. i know that i will fail again tomorrow and inevitably be annoyed beyond measure and unfortunately let it show. but hopefully i will last longer tomorrow that i did today. and maybe it will be a little bit easier.
just in case, someone do me a favor and look up what you do when someone lodges a pencil in their ear? thanks...
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