I woke up Sat morning with a really strange feeling. It was the feeling of having gotten enough sleep. It's been a long time since I've woken up with that "hrrm...[roll over, roll over]...hrrm...[stretch, stretch]...what am I doing today?" leisurely feeling. Normally it's more of a "gah, ALREADY?!?" jolted feeling into the "why does [insert body part here] hurt so much today?"
I must say...it was pleasant. So pleasant that though I still had time to go back to sleep, I didn't want to, because I just wanted to lay there and enjoy being comfortable and not be so tired that I had to close my eyes again. Gosh, that has to be one of the best feelings ever. EVER.
When I look back to this time last year, I can't help but feel that life has slowed down. I don't know where it stopped, but I'm just not psycho woman where 'go-time' is all the time anymore. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. It's been nice to have a bit more downtime and freedom, and I just can't imagine waking up at 6am and cramming in morning workouts now. The digilence to doing PT, lifting, running...even remembering to ice down and stretch seems like so much extra effort that I just can't forego sleep for anymore. Part of me misses the fire under my butt that kept me moving all the time...but at the same time, rest and healing cannot be ignored.
Gosh, it's no wonder my coworkers thought I was narcoleptic for falling asleep at work all the time - I really pushed the limits of sanity last year. My ability to fall asleep even in a one-on-one meeting was brought up and laughed over many times in their tipsy ridiculousness at our company party. It's a good thing Dr. Sean was more concerned over my health than insulted that my eyes would glaze over WHILE he was talking to me. Even though my job isn't fascinating or anything - I know that my efforts on that front definitely suffered when taking a backseat to everything else.
So the question of integrity for today is - am I really doing the best I can? When I take a break, is it truly because I need rest, or is it because I'm too tired to push myself? Or on the flip side, when I push myself, is it just for the sake of pushing, or am I being intentional about getting the best out of myself?
Being honest with yourself is so difficult...
As I look back on how my outlook has changed in the last year, I realize that you can only run on pure desire and passion for so long. I think in all things, as you grow older and more experienced, your approach changes, you make adjustments, you learn more of yourself and where your limits are that can be pushed, and (hopefully) gain a better grasp on discernment. Tim Keller said once in a sermon that "wisdom is the ability to make the right decisions at the right time". Wise words indeed...so these days I find myself with a new challenge: optimization and maintenance.
As my friends who are dating or married have told me - the honeymoon period will end soon enough, and then it becomes a matter of work and answering the question of whether it's worth it to you. I think that in many ways, the honeymoon period of my move to NY, and particularly of training and competing has come to an abrupt halt. I can only be thankful that it lasted this long. Nowadays, it's been more about working out the nitty gritty and really assessing the strength of my committment and the depth of my desire.
How funny, the RWC daily Bible reading for today is Psalm 6. Verse 2 was surprisingly appropriate for today...
2 Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint;
O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony.
Somehow I doubt that David was lamenting his broken bones and whether to get them x-rayed...but it's kind of cool that he could just cry out to God about his physical needs. My bones are in agony indeed.
With less than 3 weeks left to go, it's time to get to work. Dreamers are just wishful thinkers until the nose gets to the grindstone and the pedals start pumping. All for a dream that just might not come true. Perhaps the burnout of this very same competition last year is hitting me now - the one time that I really put my whole heart out on the mat and came away heartbroken. I cried out to God last year, after the competition was over, after I hobbled up to my room and dumped my bag down - and I asked Him "why?"
In the last year I've prety much come to terms with why I had to tear my knee right before Team Trials last year. Despite the immense disappointment, I know that in fighting through it I've become much stronger and more complete of a competitor than I was before. As Sabs have pointed out, it was a blessing in disguise, and a crazy growing experience. But like most cases, growth requires quite a bit of pain.
Even though I know these things, though, there is still some reluctance to give myself over to sheer determination again. But doing things halfway has never been my style, and I don't plan on starting now. Go hard, or go home, right? The end of the FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) creed says it best:
I give my all - all of the time.
I do not give up.
I do not give in.
I do not give out.
I am the Lord’s warrior -
a competitor by conviction
and a disciple of determination.
I am confident beyond reason
because my confidence lies in Christ.
The results of my efforts
must result in His glory.
If there was ever a time I needed strength and healing, wisdom and overall motivation - it would be now.
Sometimes you don't have anyone else in your boat but the cox - and the cox doesn't even actually do any rowing. But they direct you where to go and how to get there. And when the cox tells you to go...you just have to start rowing.
And constantly ask yourself: "am I doing really doing the best I can?"
T-minus 19 days.
자신 있개 한번 해보자.
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