tone

Last night I was teaching a private lesson, and Daniel and Ryugo (both 4 year old boys) were running around downstairs being rambunctious. Nothing new, they can be little terrors at times, Ryugo more than Daniel.

At one point Daniel ran up to the shelf, grabbed two paddles and started to run off screaming and waving them. The last time Ryugo did that, I told him to stop and put them back, and when I was ignored, went over to him, picked him up, took the paddles away and put them back on the shelf. He ran away and cried in the staff room.

This time I went up to Daniel, knelt down so we were eye to eye, and asked him
what he was going to do with the paddles. He said play with them. And I said

"Daniel, the paddles aren't for playing, OK? Noona would like it if you put them back and played quietly with Ryugo over there. Can you do that for me?"

And to my great surprise, he said "OK". And not only did he put the paddles down, he went on tiptoes to put the paddles back on the shelf and scampered off with Ryugo - screaming a little bit less.

Granted, if I had taken that approach with Ryugo it would almost certainly have failed, because I don't really have a relationship with him, nor do I really care to invest in creating one. And if I speak in Korean with Ryugo that means nothing to him since he's half Japanese half black, whereas the k-factor bonds Daniel and me together.

But in the interest of teaching Daniel, and having a point that I wanted him to get, I chose to talk to him in a way that he could understand. And at least for one day - he understood. Maybe tomorrow he will go back to waving paddles around and throwing them - but yesterday he didn't.

Sometimes if you want someone to understand something, the tone in which you express yourself makes all the difference. If you're trying to lay down the law or to put someone in their place - that's an entirely different story. But if you claim to be having a discussion and to value someone - sometimes it's best to come down eye to eye and talk nicely rather than stare down and bully.

I wish some people would understand that.