kids these days

it's funny, all my friends are getting pregnant, and while i would love to have a kid around and all that, i find myself crippled by two things: the fear of the misery of pregnancy and labor (regular invasive exams scares the bejesus out of me), and the fear of what will happen if my kid doesn't listen to me.

al once told me that if he could bear the kids, he would. a nice sentiment, though convenient to say since it's impossible. that being said, i made him the offer that if he ever found a way to give birth and i wouldn't have to - i'd work and make all the money for the rest of our lives.

but the second fear actually is worse, in my mind. as i tutor my kids, i see firsthand the effects of all the good things the parents have done - and all the mistakes they've made. pushing kids too hard, not pushing them enough, not establishing authority or boundaries at an early age, putting them in the wrong schools...

this all came to the forefront of my mind last week when i went to help my cousin with a costco run since she was sick. i always take my nephew with me when i go shopping, it's our bonding time - but now that he's in kindergarten and exposed to other children (ie. boys), he's picked up some rebellion and obnoxious tendencies. i forgot that boys were cute and cuddly until they became, well, boys.

so he's testing his limits on how far the opposite of what i say he can get away with, when suddenly out of nowhere he slaps me across the face! so here i am, in a crowded costco, surrounded by all these white people who would surely judge me for smacking down my nephew - who, by the way, i don't totally feel comfortable spanking in the first place since he's not my child - nor do i have any place to give him a timeout.

so i try and talk to him. not that i really believe reasoning with a child that age actually works, but i was left with no choice at that point. so i said to him, that wasn't very nice, you shouldn't hit people, and told him he had to apologize. at which point he tried to laugh it off. second try led to him covering his face and hiding from me, thinking we're playing some game. after i removed his hands and made him look at me, he outright lied "i didn't do it!" and then proceeded to call me a liar.

oh boy. it's like that moment that a puppy pees or a baby explodes in his diaper and you're glad that it's not yours and call the parents over to take care of the problem. except in this situation, i didn't have the parent. i knew what the parent would do, but also that the parent had the authority that this kid respected enough to obey - the wrath of mommy is not to be questioned.

but again, in this public place i argued with him for awhile, then found his father who immediately made him apologize for hitting me. fine. i didn't tell him the full story because i had meant to do it later, but for the time being i had an apology, even if it was for self-preservation.

the house was so chaotic when we got back that i didn't get a chance to talk to my cousin, until a couple days later i remembered and sent her an email. boy did he get it at that point - apparently he had two meh-meh's and a timeout before he came out, called me to apologize, and also recorded a video message. (which btw was insanely cute despite his clear misery).

we're nowhere close to becoming parents, but episodes like this make me fear the day when i have to discipline my own kids. not because i can't do it - but because they might not "get" it and that authority may just be discarded. and then what?