trials

@ sermon discussion on trials and why God lets trials happen:

me:  "the biggest disservice a parent can do to a child is making life too easy.  you can't hover around trying to catch them every time they might fall.  people just need to fall down so they can learn to get back up."

group:    hrrmmm.... // me:  "i'm probably going to push my kid down (in a padded environment) so he figures out how to pick himself up sooner than later"  

group:    "you mean you're going to shove your own kid?"  

alan:  "haha she does it all the time in taekwondo.  you fall over unless you have a good front stance."

group:  "you shove other people's kids??"

me:  "just the ones that are related to me ... and the ones i really care about.  it's ok, they tend to thank me for it later"  

i think i scared my small group and they probably think i should never have children.  haha.

it's OK, God ... i get you.  i don't like it, but i get it.

motivator

quiet time lately has been on genesis, which is kind of interesting.  granted, i've read genesis before, because it's pretty famous and the first book of anyone's plan to read the whole bible (before said plan usually fails ... somewhere around numbers or deuteronomy).  but with the church's reading plan, and the fact that our super-champ lisa sends out the qt every morning with the daily prayer, it makes it pretty tough to ignore.

add to that that i married a super holy man who gets in these moods of discipline and sets the alarm for 7:40am every morning and proceeds to ask me what i think about it.  (um, i think we could stand to do qt a little later in the day). 

that being said, it's been an interesting domino effect of accountability.  so young's new year's resolution was to spend 30 min a day with God.  he shared that with our tlc, which led alan to propose that to him that they do accountability and discuss the qt each day.  that was all well and good, but led to alan wanting to discuss it with me.  which meant that i had to do it.  (which i should, just saying this is where accountability goes).  so then it was going so well with young that alan decided to open it up to the rest of the boys.  so i think they have some emails going each day (which i hear are basically between alan and young ... though i bet sam reads all the emails even if he doesn't respond).  so that got me thinking, i should probably do this with the girls.

so i emailed all of the girls asking if they wanted to do qt accountability and discussion - but under the pretense that they would have to actively participate.  (bc otherwise i'm just sending out emails every day about my thoughts and people are probably deleting them). 

crickets.

i got one response.  and of course, a whole lot of maybe's.  (and we all know i can't stand maybe's).  so i let that go for a week, presuming that some people need to marinate before they make decisions.  (i don't understand this either, but sgl-ing is re-teaching me that i can't make people operate the way that i think they should, teehee).  finally i just laid down the ultimatem of in or out, and voila, people hopped on board. 

score one for being a teensy bit more patient.  (outside of but pressed right up against the box).

that being said, i had a hilarious conversation with p last night at his lesson.  i'm going to start tutoring him next week, because his mom thought that i would be the best person to motivate him.  this may well be true, but not quite the way i expected.

p:  when you come to tutor me, will you bring that yellow stick that you use to whack me with in taekwondo?

me:  uh ... sure.  why?

p:  well, i think fear is a good motivator

me:    haha you know, i don't actually whack you with it all that much.  usually i'm just waving it around and then you fix things

p:  i know.  i just think i'm mostly motivated by fear and it's good for me.

HAHA. 

this reminds me of how in grad school nancy used to say that she could hear my voice inside her head every time she did the cornell hoojin (which i worked so tirelessly to get out of her system) so that even if i wasn't there she would hear "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" 

or maeve used to say that she'd hear me clear my throat every time she didn't show her work, even at school during tests.

my poor future children.  they're so clearly going to like alan more than they like me.  but hopefully they'll show their work, not be lazy, and never do a stupid hoojin.
 

vanity cards

while watching bigbangtheory, alan would often try to pause at the end of the show when the screen would flash a bunch of text, numbered something.  i thought he was weird until we did manage to pause it and read ... and realized that chucklorre is pretty funny.

http://www.chucklorre.com/index-bbt.php

well lo and behold, they're called "vanity cards" and they're archived on his site.  for all of my 2 readers out there ... you're welcome.

i had private lessons with m + p yesterday - it's kind of wild to think that they're 14 already.  i've been coaching them for half their lives ... though they're not all that different as teenagers as they were as 7 year olds.  except they're amazons.  p has already surpassed 6 ft and m is probably sitting pretty at 5'10". 

twins always fascinate me - and while these two are obviously fraternal since they're boy-girl, they're just so different (and yet so much alike).  i've long since learned that i can't teach them together (they end up bickering and nagging each other and it's unproductive) - and now that they're older we work on very different things.  but i realized, when you watch these kids grow up (literally up), you really do bond with them.

a side note on growing up - since they're freaking giants now, the running joke is something like this:

darlin:  HAHAHA.  you're looking up at patrick now.

me:  yeah, that's weird.  p, fix this situation

p:  is that better?

me:  much

these kids crack me up, because honestly they're athletic and strong and young and could probably out-do me in anything we tried.  but for whatever reason i think they still remember me as that giant who was always yelling at them to do something faster or better ... or making them cry.  (though i'm reassured that they appreciated it, thank goodness).  but to me they're still those little 7 year old monkeys who wouldn't stop talking or smiling (they still don't). 

yesterday i was thinking about how to fix m's sidekick balance, and she said "that's six!"  and i asked her what she was talking about.

apparently i have five (well perhaps now six) "thinking faces".  she can imitate them (including the accompanying hand motions) - which is kind of creepy but kind of endearing.

of course her last observation was "well they all end in torture, it's just a matter of what kind". 

the funniest moment of p's lesson was when i was stretching him, and i said what i always say when he's fighting me:  "be jesus!"  (meaning put your arms out to the sides spread eagle).  at a certain point he can't take it anymore and he says "but i'm not jesus!  i'm st. patrick!"

jan was watching all of this, and like the good filipino catholic that he is, responds with "and what do people do on st. patrick's day?  drink and get in trouble!  so that's why you should be jesus instead of st. patrick!"

haha these guys just crack me up ...

random interview

i was walking today at lunchtime, to go to the bank and run some errands, and as i'm walking down the street, i see this guy with a video camera, and another guy with a mic.  it was kind of weird because they weren't a "real" flim crew, but looked sort of like some guys doing a project or something. 

lo and behold, as i walked by, the guy with the mic asks me if i have a minute to answer a question.  and i'm thinking ... sure ... depending on the question.  so basically this is how it goes (all while being filmed):

guy: "so can you think of anyone you have a relationship with who you'd like to say you're sorry for something to?"

me:  "uhh...sure.  well, i guess i should always be sorry for something on a daily basis to my husband"

guy:  "and what would you apologize to him for today?"

me:  "uhh ... well i guess i could have more patience generally"

guy:  "is there anything specific that you'd like to say sorry for?"

me:  "uhh ... i guess i could apologize for yelling at him this morning for his tendency to set the alarm really early and then not get up and turn it off"

guy:  "does your husband appreciate when you apologize for things?"

me:  "uh, i think people generally appreciate apologies"

guy:  "well thanks for sharing with us today, have a great day"

me:  "ok thanks, bye"

so maybe that was God's way of telling me to apologize to alan for yelling at him this morning (ok but seriously - setting the alarm for 7:30am every day and then letting it beep and not actually getting up is really annoying - especially since i'm the one who can't fall back asleep once woken up). 

haha though sadly the end result of this weird interview thing is it just reminded me of how annoyed i am that i didn't get a good night's sleep and i'm really tired today.  sad.

technology eludes me

i think i'm a creature of habit.  i don't like to try new things, though i do admit that once i master a new thing, it becomes my new "old thing" and then i'm perfectly fine with it.  but first times for anything generally make me uneasy.

so today i decided i was going to try to check in online for my flight tomorrow.  now keep in mind that i booked this itinerary on ONE reservation (ie. i booked for both of us) because i have status and al does not.  therefore if we book on the same reservation (ie. the person with status books it) - then both of us get the benefits of a free checked bag, the premier security line, etc. 

the other benefit that i was vying for was that with status (as low as my silver status is on the totem pole) - you are eligible for free upgrades when they're available.  given that our return flight from costa rica has an ENTIRELY EMPTY business class as of today, it seemed like our chances were pretty good - and according to the upgrade policy, it's supposed to be available to the premier member and the companian traveling on the same reservation.

ok so this morning i decide to try and check in for this flight online - using my phone, no less.   i managed to check myself in, but there was a problem with alan since his passport info wasn't in there.  fine.  i figured it would check me in and we would check him in later.

little did i know that it would then proceed to SPLIT our reservation, giving me a new confirmation number, and suddenly taking all premier benefits off of his reservation.  now united, like all other business, is going cheap and trying to get you to deal with customer service through the computer.  no, alex, i do not want to ask you questions.  i want to talk to a real person.

unfortunately, their customer service center, while manned by living humans, is not much better.  no, i don't understand what you're saying with your heavy indian accent.  no, i don't believe you when the help you offer me is the best you can do.  no, your supervisor whose accent is slightly better but still from a developing country somewhere, is not particularly helpful either.

so whoever designed the system failed to make a way to recombine reservations after the computer decides to split them.  additionally, al's check in STILL failed, so we still have to go super early to sort this all out.

someone is going to hear about this.  fortunately the first leg of our trip is in business class, so we can check in in the biz class station.  which usually has nicer and more helpful reps because they actually need to retain your business.  that being said, i'm peeved beyond measure because not only did i spend my morning on the phone and online trying to sort this out - at this point, we're STILL not checked in, and with the split, it looks like i might get upgraded on our flight back and he will not. 

yes, these are first world problems - but it just doesn't make sense to me that the system is designed to not have a manual override.

i'm never checking in online again.

ideas that sound good in theory

when we went to thailand a couple years ago, i was perusing tripadvisor and came across the #1 thing to do:  ziplining.  not just any old ziplining though, treetopasia's ecopark and 26 station ziplining and second day of obstacle adventure course ruined me for all future trips. 

i read the testimonials, saw the pictures and videos, and i was totally sold.  until we got there and i realized ... i'm afraid of heights, falling, moving fast, and risk in general.  unfortunately i didn't figure that out until i was standing on a platform (with no railings), holding onto my bunjee, and staring down 50 meters (yes, meters, not feet) at a jungle below me. 

and the guide grins at me and says "one way ticket!" 

such is the interesting thing about asia ... they didn't build in a contingency plan for when people want to chicken out.  you basically only have one way to go back to where you started and that's to zip away.

needless to say, i spent a lot of time hugging trees on that tour.  alan spent a lot of time laughing at me hugging trees. 

but about halfway through, i started to really enjoy it.  it was every bit as amazing as the advertisements ... once i got over the fact that i didn't really enjoy the specifics of it and the fact that i might die. 

so that brings me to my next adventure ... iceland.  i'm not entirely sure what possessed me to go ahead and book this trip, but everyone says it's amazing, so despite the fact that it will undoubtably be cold ... that's where we're going in march.

so again, i did some research and came up with this excursion that looks cool in theory:  snorkeling between the american and eurasian continents. 

ok, really, i just want this picture and i want it to be of me and alan. 

so i realize that iceland is cold.  and water is cold.  hence dunking of bodies into water in iceland will probably be cold.  and that i don't like deep waters, nor swimming anywhere where my feet can't touch the bottom.  (though apparently the water is so clear that despite being really deep, i'll still be able to SEE the bottom). 

i think i'm going to severely regret this the half hour leading up to the tour at maybe the first 5 minutes.  but after that, i think it could be awesome. 

i think i'm weird like that.  for how much i overthink all the decisions in my life...ultimately i think i decide based on my gut.  which is ironic because my gut really doesn't like anything risky and kind of likes sitting on the couch. 

or maybe i don't know my gut very well at all.  but it said go snorkel in iceland, so i guess we'll find out how that goes ...
 

insomnia

after 2 sleepless nights (sunday waiting for alan to get home while he was hanging with ki till the wee hours of the morning, and monday when his cpap leaked and the sound of air mixed with snoring kept me up all night) - my tuesday full of meetings and tutoring till almost 11pm resulted in some pretty bad headaches.  like the kind that pounds when you move too quickly and feels like you're having a stroke.

marriage is a daily reminder that you're not a very nice person.  granted, i married the nicest guy in the whole world, so i'm clearly the "mean" one (as told to me repeatedly by dave, my hand therapist).  but that fact aside, i realize how impatient i am, and how hard it is to pause and think about how i want to say things before i say them.

especially on lack of sleep.

al always offers to sleep on the couch because he feels guilty that my quality of sleep is so low, but i never really like kicking him out.  sometimes he tricks me and leaves while i'm sleeping, but he never wakes up first to make it back before i wake up.

yesterday i'd just about had it though, and i asked him if he could sleep on the couch for one night because i desperately needed a good night's rest.  the left side of my brain just wouldn't stop pounding. 

ever since the summer, i've been waking up at 7am, and i thought it was just because i'm a light sleeper and i get up when the sun comes up. 

but this morning i woke up at 8:45am ...

i don't want to believe it, but i'm starting to think that i really can't sleep deeply unless i'm by myself.  i thought i was just a light sleeper, but when i think back to when i was single, i slept fine.  i didn't necessarily sleep for very many hours, but my head hit the pillow and i woke up the next morning without interruptions, pretty much every day.  and when i go on business trips ... barring jetlag, i usually sleep just fine. 

the scientist in me wants to devise some sort of experiment to isolate which variable is the culprit ... is it sound?  light?  movement?  heat?  lack of heat because he steals the blankets? 

there has to be a solution ... but i'm kind of stumped.

puppy

i really want a puppy.  after spending time with my parents and their incredibly lovable dogs, i have to admit that there's something about waking up in the morning and having these furry things waiting at your door, and so happy to see you.  like, falling over each other, jumping up and down happy to see you.  they say that people with dogs are generally less stressed - and i have a lot of stress. 

that being said, the activation energy to go out and get a dog is rather high.  when i think about how small our apt is, how little free time we have, and how little grass there is in the city, it's hard to justify getting a dog.  it's yet another set of bills, another mouth to feed, and another thing to worry about.  something to get a sitter for when we're on vacation.  i mean, if we wanted that sort of responsibility, we should just go and have a kid.  well, that's more work, more expensive, more stressful, but in the end longer-lasting and more fulfilling, i suppose.

the other downside is ... dogs don't live that long.  10 years?  15 at best?  that's a long time to get attached to something that's going to leave you heartbroken.  i'm not sure if i can handle it.  plus given that we will probably have kids in the next 5 years or so, i don't want to create a lady and the tramp situation where the dog gets kicked to the curb. 

but they're just so darn cute ... well, at least this gives some motivation to go visit my parents more often. 

decades

as i get closer to my birthday, i started thinking back on the previous decades (ugh there are so many now) of this impending 32.  my dad has this theory that every time he turns an age ending in 9, it's a rough year - but then when it evens out to "0" ending, that year is great.  dark before dawn, i suppose.

so here we go:

22:  that was a great year for accomplishments.  i graduated from grad school, made my first collegiate national team, went to my first world tournament, led MIT to our first INCTL (now ECTC) cup, we finally got recognition as a club sport.  i went on IV staff for a year.

12:  that was a great year period.  7th grade was the best.  i won some magazine sale thing at school and got to go on the coveted limo lunch.  we started doing discipleship and memory verses at church.  school was so easy i never had to work hard.  joined my first orchestra. 

2:  i don't remember much of this but the pictures are pretty cute, and who doesn't like being 2? 

huh.  that being said, whatever happened to 31?  flew by before i noticed it was gone...

patience

"did you think that God was going to make TLC leading easy?"

lisa asked me this this morning and the obvious answer is "no" but i guess i didn't realize which ways it would be difficult.  or it's more like, i didn't think that getting the ball rolling would be so arduous.

perhaps God is trying to teach me patience (as always), particularly with flexibility (i have none) and with people who require a lot of it.  i think i've always disliked options, both for myself and in general, but this whole shopping period for small groups has me confused week to week.  you work so hard to woo people, and here we are, the morning of tlc, and we have no idea who's coming tonight.  or rather, we know the majority of people are not, there are a handful of people who haven't responded (ugh, non-responding is such a major pet peeve of mine) and a couple maybes.  we have one 'yes' and i'm just hoping he won't be scared off if he's the only one. 

i have serious faith issues - God will give us a group regardless of our efforts.  and God will force me to be patient regardless of my desire to not be driven to it. 

yeehaw.

wearing different hats

my boy took his first promotion test yesterday - it's interesting being on the other side of things, i suppose this is about as close as i'm going to get to being a parent.  on the one hand, you're proud that he's doing well and not melting down, and that he's made so much progress.  on the other hand - it could have been better.  haha.  he's still young enough and so darn cute that it doesn't really matter - but i also found myself wishing that i could have brought him more often or that i still lived with them so that we could have practiced more. 

that being said, we had a major cram session an hour before the test, since my cousin didn't bring him to class last weekend and i knew he would be rusty.  boy was i worried when i started reviewing blocks and turning around and he was totally flubbing.  sigh.  but we went through everything until it was good enough (though not perfect) and i just prayed that he would remember when he took the test. 

after all that, we were sitting down and i realized ... he's only 6.  and he doesn't come as often as he should.  wearing the teacher hat and eemoh hat at the same time is tough. 

so i put on my eemoh hat

me:  "hey buddy, you know i love you"

i-man:  "i know.  i love you too"

me:  "sorry i had to yell at you, but you're going to be great at your test"

i-man:  "that's nothing ... you should hear mommy.  THAT's yelling"

haha, at least he's conditioned to know that drilling isn't a bad thing.  and uh, conditioned to throw his mother under the bus. 

vacation planning

i know, i know, i should probably go on my current vacation before i start planning the next one.  al laughed at me this morning because i was trying to make sense of the european train system and figure out the best way to maximize a future italy/france vacation.

but ... i'm already done planning our greek isles trip.  (or everything is 90% nailed down and paid for, save the 10% of time i scheduled for relaxing and spontanaeity).  all that's left to do is to go! 

i think vacation planning is the trifecta of how i enjoy spending my time:

1)  planning
2)  maximizing
3)  travelling

taking the vast array of options and flow-charting them down to the best way to spend my time and money, while getting the best pictures. 

that being said, while doing research, i came across some good tips and insights.  i liked this blog because it had a pretty diverse range of places visited:  http://www.thecitytraveler.com/

i think al also thinks i'm weird because i start packing for vacations 2 weeks before we leave.  (inevitably i still end up forgetting something) - but our suitcases have been ready to go since last weekend (save our electric toothbrushes and stuff that you have to pack at the last minute).

that being said, here's the run-down of the upcoming trip:

day 1:  depart from nyc

day 2:  arrive in rhodes (evening), pick up car, relax and settle at the hotel.

day 3:  northern rhodes:  ancient kamari, rhodes town, faliraki beach, possible horseback riding

day 4:  southern rhodes:  lindos, southern beaches, monolithos castle

day 5:  valley of butterflies, fly from rhodes to santorini, dinner in pyrgos

day 6:  explore fira, caldera cruise (volcano, hot springs, thirasia, sunset over oia)

day 7:  pick up car/atv, black beach, red beach, explore oia, hike from fira to oia, sunset picnic on the beach in oia

day 8:  last swim at hotel, ferry santorini to mykonos, mykonos town

day 9:  south coast cruise (dragonissi, frangias, kalfati, paradise beaches), mykonos town


day 10:  delos, rent car/atv, explore beaches around island

day 11:  relax at hotel, explore island, possible horseback riding, return car, ferry to athens

day 12:  depart athens to nyc

yay!  :)

paper anniversary

jungkryu told me i should have a blog, and then i realized ... i do have a blog!  i just haven't frequented it in awhile.  and i'm pretty sure that almost no one reads it, though i have to admit, it's nice to have a record of my thoughts (however nonsensical they may be) to look back upon.

our first anniversary came and went this weekend - hard to believe that just a year ago there was utter madness, an impending thunderstorm, and a bevy of mishaps (including our primary officiant being stuck on a tarmac in chicago). 

i was informed that anniversary gifts have themes - now, who came up with these themes, i don't know, because they're somewhat outdated, but alas, tradition is tradition.  so for the 1st anniv, the theme is paper. 

huh.

what to do about that.  so my cousin gave me the brilliant suggestion (or so she thought) to get him tickets.  cuz tickets are made of paper.  except we just went to see a show last week, and a play the week before that.  i have a tendency to just buy him stuff when i see it (on sale) and so having to think of explicit gifts has been somewhat difficult. 

so one thing i noticed recently was that while al and i spend a lot of quality time together, the specifics of how we spend that time is usually dictated by me.  mostly because i tend to have very definite opinions on what i do/don't want to do, and he tends to be ambivalent or just generally much more flexible.

that being said, i wonder if that sometimes means that he doesn't get to do what he wants to do. 

one time he made an off-handed comment that before we met, he used to go to a lot of concerts.  it's no secret that i'm not really a fan of rock, alternative, or otherwise loud music venues, and since he hasn't really pushed for such things, we've never gone.

thus my idea - i gave him a gift offer of 2 tickets to any concert of his choice, with the condition on myself that i wouldn't complain about how loud it was, and i'd even pretend to like it even if i didn't.

my cousin promptly yelled at me for being unromantic (thanks unnee).  but i don't get it - isn't love about sacrifice?  i thought it would be more meaningful that i was willing to do something that i probably wouldn't enjoy, just because it would make him happy. 

in any event, when i presented said gift, his response was interesting.  he thought it was thoughtful, yes, but then he said something along the lines of "well, when i was single, i wanted to go to concerts and meet people and be in a crowded place and all that.  i kind of don't need that anymore".

huh.

maybe pastor danny was right ... he said to us the other day that for most men, when they get married, all or most of their emotional and social needs are met by their wives.  (the reverse is apparently not necessarily true, which is why women need to have friends outside of their spouse).  but i suppose that makes sense why guys tend to fall off the face of the earth when they start dating or get married...

anyways, i hope he picks a good concert. 

t-minus 4 days till greece! 

welcome to the party

"hello, IT band, welcome to the party" -daja

i found this statement hilarious last night during an impromptu poomsae workout - whilst we were in the midst of some strenuous sidekick stretching drills.  the new way of practicing poomsae has definitely changed my course of tkd training - namely, with my joints and muscles in mind rather than forcing them to perform and nursing injuries later.  if only i knew then what i know now ... could have saved myself extensive PT bills. 

that being said, i still find poomsae to be a poor substitute for sparring training.  it's not that it isn't difficult, because i'm discovering a billion little muscles that i never knew i didn't have - but it's just not...the same.  i wouldn't call it the "poor man's sparring" because by nature, poomsae athletes tend to be the more intelligent/technical/educated/analytical than the sparring crowd.  that would be a misnomer for sure.  but in the context of the thrill and satisfaction and enjoyment?  definitely pales in comparison.  hitting a great sidekick is really no substitute for hitting a great badachagi on an opponent.  and this sheer difference makes it so much harder to motivate myself to train hard for it, particularly if i'm self-training. 

i realized the other night that it really just comes down to adrenaline.  coupled with the current books i'm reading (brain rules and drop dead healthy) - i realize how much of my life and the busy-ness i was able to maintain was linked to the sheer amount of endorphins and adrenaline i got from the 2-6 hours of intense training every day. 

aside from the extreme weight gain (to which even my love of my couch has now looked in the mirror and put its proverbial foot down), i've noticed lately that i'm always tired, and generally have a dull headache.  i attributed it at first to al's sleep apnea and the fact that being married and having a roommate has changed my otherwise predictable lifestyle and made it more busy.  (the only time i get a good night's sleep is when i'm travelling for work and he's not around, sadly).  but i realized more recently that part of it is a lack of endorphins since i retired from sparring.  makes sense, it's a drug, albeit a natural one, and i effectively cut my supply short in favor of the couch (though in its defense, that couch is really comfy and i work a lot). 

ever since al hit the crunch time of the end of the year, i've found myself reverting to my single life:  work till evening, head to the dojang, work out till late, come home and eat something and veg for an hour in front of the tv and sleep.  and while my body is sore most of the time, i think my headaches have subsided a bit and my mood is generally better.  go figure.

i also appear to be unmotivated without clear goals, mostly centered around some sort of competition.  i knew this about myself, but perhaps not how deeply it permeated ... but i really function better with less options. 

anyways back to the orig thought ... my IT band has always been tight, it only took me about 5 years of wrenching it to figure out what it was.  hopefully this will be a good poomsae year, with all these trips to bos and cross training, i hope it also heals instead of hurting my already battered joints. 

insensitive

After you get married, the first question people ask you is "how's married life?"  For which there isn't really a good pithy answer - I mean, I sort of go with the "can't complain...or I CAN complain but I won't" - which usually elicits a laugh and is vague enough to feel like the question was answered but not specific enough to be personal or continue conversation in that direction. 

The second question is always "so...any good news?" (as a euphemism for "are you pregnant?") 

I find it deeply annoying that "good news" equals pregnancy - I mean, it's good news in a sense, and how blessed are those who can get pregnant easily - but realistically, it's also the end of your life as you know it, and the beginning of a lot of stress and severe financial burden.  Not to mention 9 months of varying discomfort and an excrutiating torturous finale.  (If my future child or children ever find this blog, just a disclaimer not to take any of this personally - in fact this should be proof of how much I love you because bringing you into existenc was a long and sucky process.  You can thank me later - I love vacations on the beach - no flowers please.)

That being said, I think it's highly insensitive to ask about pregnancies.  Not that I'm pregnant.  But I know a lot of people who are, and a lot of people who'd like to be.  And a lot of people who had or are having trouble. 

It's like ... why would you ask a single girl when she's getting married?  Or how things are going on the dating front?  Unless you're a close friend, I don't think there's much right to ask such things.  It's like asking someone what their salary is, or what a student scored on his/her SAT's.  Or how much you weigh.  (I personally don't mind divulging my weight, but apparently others do). 

Here's my litmus:  if we're not close enough that I know either your salary, your test scores, or your true weight - then I'm not going to ask someone if they're pregnant.  I mean seriously, I was getting really annoyed for my friends who were trying to get prego and couldn't, but were constantly getting asked. 

As for my parents I just told them that the more they asked, the less I was inclined.  Since I've been known to spite them (reference the standing threat to marry a white guy if they kept pestering me about getting married), they've backed off.

Speaking of which - that irked me to no end as well.  When I was single, my parents would constantly harass me about dating.  As if I was slamming the door in the faces of the suitors lined up at my doorstep to court me.  Please.  The constant reminders were so unhelpful - sheez they're lucky I got married at all. 

Anyhow, that would be the peeve of the day.  Seriously people - a little noonchi please. 

That being said, I've also realized that along with seasonal affectedness, I have workout withdrawal that borders on uselessness.  I forget that endorphins give you a high - and apparently just how much of my nonstop life was dependent on those workouts in order to have enough energy to get thru everything else.  Who would've thought?  But there's just nothing like that feeling of dripping with sweat and knowing you have no energy left ... or rather, nothing like the feeling AFTER that when you can stop and just let the sweat drip and feel everything burn.  Hopefully the new jump rope workout on Thursdays will bring some of that back ... it's a little sad how we can't do everything we used to do, but fun to have dodo back in the dj.

school and debt

good gosh tuition is expensive - after having gotten married and effectively having to pay al's tuition ... i asked him today if the next time he goes to school, if it could be for something that's going to increase his income. sigh. i just have a hard time seeing the value of a liberal arts degree, given how much it costs these days.

on a slightly related note, i had a fleeting thought today that i might reconsider the idea of homeschooling my kids. perhaps this is a product of reading tebow's book, or hearing about the mean kids and bullying that goes on at my niece's/newphew's elementary schools, but ... sure i could teach my kids better than someone else. and faster. and for sure if we still live in manhattan - cheaper.

and on a slightly related tangent to that - my dentist asked me the other day, while we were discussing various scandals in the news, if i had a chance to set my kids up for life, give them $20million (or some other astronomical sum of money) through extortion or some other underhanded means - but that i'd be in jail after the age of 60 for the rest of my life, would i do it?

absolutely not!

i think he was fascinated by my answer though.

a) it's morally/ethically wrong to cheat someone else

b) why would i want to spend the end of my life in jail? that's the part of life i'm supposed to be enjoying. it's just depressing thinking about waiting to die in jail.

c) and i think this was actually my gut reaction. why on earth would i want to do that to my kids? i think we do a great disservice to children to "set them up" and give them piles of money with which to be reckless, unrealistic, entitled, and worst of all: LAZY. i would slap myself across the face if i ever induced laziness upon my progeny.

after seeing all the different ways parents have triumphed and made mistakes around me...one thing i know is, my kids are going to get all the love and support they need while they're young, and as much as we can afford it we will pay for their education through college - but they'd better get an idea of what they want to do with their lives and how to support themselves because no self respecting 22 year old should be clueless without a path to providing for themselves.

hopefully the economy picks itself up by then so it's not as dire as it is now for graduates, but on principle - if you're an adult, then you buck up and take some responsibility, work hard, and forge your own way.

and as much as it was tough to pay for every penny of our wedding ourselves - i actually think that you should. it helps you make tough choices and good decisions, because the sacrifice is, in the end, your own.

good Lord, leaving my kids a trust fund. maybe giving them an investment in a home or a business to get them started, if they could sufficiently present why such an investment is wise - but seriously? the number of priveleged entitled snotty kids and families in nyc is just gross. i should hope that my kids don't suffer - but i also hope they find a purpose in their lives and work hard at something to be contributions to society somehow.

wanderlust

ever since i met alan - or rather, ever since i had someone to go travel with for trips that don't involve ministry or tkd - i've been totally struck by wanderlust. my passport is actually quite decorated with cool stamps from all sorts of cool countries - but in reality i've seen and enjoyed very few of them. maybe a day of sightseeing here or there, but for the most part, cooped up in second rate hotels or dorms, and confined to gyms and stadiums. not that those weren't fun in and of themselves - they were experiences i would never trade in for the world. but as someone who has money and works damn hard for it - i need to relax on a regular basis.

when al and i first met, we talked about all these places we wanted to go. well, no that's not true. we talked about all the places *i* wanted to go. =) at the time he was still in his whole pious phase of judging people who went on vacation and needing nothing but a cardboard box for himself. he has since come to his senses ... perhaps on a beach somewhere when he realized vacations are awesome.

we went to thailand last winter to visit his family - as with most destinations, it's better when you know the locals. it was a fantastic trip thru the city and the country, we got to zipline thru the forests and also powerboat and snorkel out on the beautiful beaches. definitely going back.

for our honeymoon we went to tahiti and bora bora. singlehandedly the most disgustingly expensive trip, but totally worth it. that was just gorgeous, if you didn't mind being around a bunch of other googly eyed honeymooners and anniversary celebrators who just threw down a ridiculous sum of money for a week.

so in the time between now and when we start thinking about having kids (ie. when spending money on travel will probably not be an option anymore) - i was looking at all sorts of places to go. many to which i've already been, but had never gotten to really see or eat my way through.

greece/turkey/italy
iceland
costa rica
st. lucia
korea/thailand

hopefully good deals will pop up and i'll have accrued enough miles to make these happen =) next on the list, bahamas in december! unless you count california for thanksgiving, but that's visiting parents so it might not exactly be relaxing...

parkfam xmas - remixed

so every year, my cousins on my dad's side (well, those of us who are still in ny, which is actually most of us) get together for a christmas party. i think this year will be the 5th year running, and it's the one time of the year that i see some of my cousins (and their kids).

i don't recall when this started, but i think from the first year, there was a tradition of gift-giving (not uncommon for xmas) - so each family would bring a gift for each child, and there would be a torrent of wrapping paper carnage as the kids tore through the piles of gifts, unearthing a whole lot of nerf guns, pillow pets, and the like.

now that there are 15 kids and counting in the bunch, and since we're in a recession, someone came up with this bright idea last year that we should do some sort of organized name-drawing, and that each child would get one gift. (the older kids got together and came up with a consolidated protest, since the thought of 8 gifts becoming one gift is pretty lame - but they were overruled by the payers of said gifts).

now it's true, this whole process favored families with more kids than those with less (or none, in my case), since every child got a gift from every family. being childless, most everyone brought a gift for me (i was getting to the point where i could count on a scarf, a starbucks gift card, and something from williams sonoma). while that wasn't really necessary, it was nice to be included - and did i mention i live for gift exchanges? it's my favorite time of the year.

so upon the changing of the rules for 2011, it was decided that being childless, i was not a participant any longer. to which i was sad. =( so my cousin ellen decided to make me work for my participation - apparently i now became the coordinator of the gift exchange.

fast forward to november - i was unaware that i was actually supposed to coordinate the shenanigans until a few days ago. whoops. so i sent out some emails to see if everyone remembered whose names they drew - lest we show up and have christmas disaster because some kid is left out and doesn't get a present.

it's a poor replacement of actually getting gifts for the kids, which i genuinely enjoyed. but the parents are right - the kids get a ton of gifts every year and they really don't need that kind of extravagence. (i personally thought it would be nice if we implemented a secret santa amongst the adults as well, but i don't think that's going to happen)

so i'm not sure when this event is going to happen, but it's another sign that the holidays are approaching. and fast. good thing christmas corner is almost finished. i really want to get a tree this year - i say this every year and every year i forget to buy one of those fake tree things...

kids these days

it's funny, all my friends are getting pregnant, and while i would love to have a kid around and all that, i find myself crippled by two things: the fear of the misery of pregnancy and labor (regular invasive exams scares the bejesus out of me), and the fear of what will happen if my kid doesn't listen to me.

al once told me that if he could bear the kids, he would. a nice sentiment, though convenient to say since it's impossible. that being said, i made him the offer that if he ever found a way to give birth and i wouldn't have to - i'd work and make all the money for the rest of our lives.

but the second fear actually is worse, in my mind. as i tutor my kids, i see firsthand the effects of all the good things the parents have done - and all the mistakes they've made. pushing kids too hard, not pushing them enough, not establishing authority or boundaries at an early age, putting them in the wrong schools...

this all came to the forefront of my mind last week when i went to help my cousin with a costco run since she was sick. i always take my nephew with me when i go shopping, it's our bonding time - but now that he's in kindergarten and exposed to other children (ie. boys), he's picked up some rebellion and obnoxious tendencies. i forgot that boys were cute and cuddly until they became, well, boys.

so he's testing his limits on how far the opposite of what i say he can get away with, when suddenly out of nowhere he slaps me across the face! so here i am, in a crowded costco, surrounded by all these white people who would surely judge me for smacking down my nephew - who, by the way, i don't totally feel comfortable spanking in the first place since he's not my child - nor do i have any place to give him a timeout.

so i try and talk to him. not that i really believe reasoning with a child that age actually works, but i was left with no choice at that point. so i said to him, that wasn't very nice, you shouldn't hit people, and told him he had to apologize. at which point he tried to laugh it off. second try led to him covering his face and hiding from me, thinking we're playing some game. after i removed his hands and made him look at me, he outright lied "i didn't do it!" and then proceeded to call me a liar.

oh boy. it's like that moment that a puppy pees or a baby explodes in his diaper and you're glad that it's not yours and call the parents over to take care of the problem. except in this situation, i didn't have the parent. i knew what the parent would do, but also that the parent had the authority that this kid respected enough to obey - the wrath of mommy is not to be questioned.

but again, in this public place i argued with him for awhile, then found his father who immediately made him apologize for hitting me. fine. i didn't tell him the full story because i had meant to do it later, but for the time being i had an apology, even if it was for self-preservation.

the house was so chaotic when we got back that i didn't get a chance to talk to my cousin, until a couple days later i remembered and sent her an email. boy did he get it at that point - apparently he had two meh-meh's and a timeout before he came out, called me to apologize, and also recorded a video message. (which btw was insanely cute despite his clear misery).

we're nowhere close to becoming parents, but episodes like this make me fear the day when i have to discipline my own kids. not because i can't do it - but because they might not "get" it and that authority may just be discarded. and then what?

some things never change

playing quarterback this year, i realize that some things never change. i'm not sure why it wasn't like this in years past, perhaps playing linebacker or wide receiver just didn't put enough responsibility into my hands - or choices. i think it's the choices. but this year, having to know the entire playbook inside out, including where everybody runs or blocks, having to know my receivers each personally so much as to say heesun likes the handoffs stuck out there so she can grab them whereas joyce likes them pounded into her gut, sophia runs the fastest and most consistently while anna will jump for any ball remotely near her ... all the code words to remind everyone whether we're going left or right, whether the line should pull, pass protect, or open a hole...and then read the defense on top of all that, know the other teams, analyze mismatches, scramble out of the way of 1-4 girls bearing down at me, and get these throws off...

that's a lot of decision-making to be had in 5 seconds.

as i underperformed in our first scrimmage, i realized all of the things that were hard about tkd competition - namely, everything mental - still rings true for football. i almost preferred it when i had a robotic position and my job was just to run from here to there and catch the ball if it came to me.

and it's true - everyone always blames the qb if you lose. i guess you get a good chunk of glory if you win, too, but that doesn't matter so much as the responsibility of managing the field of running chess pieces out there. it's pretty wild.

but i also realized there's a small part of me that loves learning new things, and loves milestones. i forgot about that, perhaps since it's been awhile since i've been in this arena. the same feeling of agony when i'm playing poorly is the same thrill when i'm playing well - or just the same anxiety and excitement that comes from realizing that there's potential to be unlocked.

it's nice to know that at age 30, there's still more out there. that after busting my hand and sorta putting it back together, having an achy hip that never quite feels right, and whatever else says it's retirement time or the best years have gone by...that there's always something new. i mean, besides birthing a child, which has got to be the single biggest thing i'm dreading for all time.

hopefully things keep getting better ... positive thinking is a funny thing. i was never really good at it in tkd, but with a team behind me and needing to be a leader on the field, i'm suddenly motivated to actually try to think less and have a short memory. while simultaneously remembering everything. it's weird like that...