the break up

For the last couple years, whenever anyone (ie. older Koreans) would ask me about my life, the question of dating would inevitably come up. I give any Korean 10 minutes in a conversation before the, "so, do you have a boyfriend?" surfaces. 5 minutes if they're over 40.

So then I'd have to admit, no, I don't. And here's the kicker - their response is almost always "why not?"

Gee, if only it were that easy that I knew why not...haha. So over time, I've developed some decent responses. The easiest to get people off my back has been, well I'm at Taekwondo every night, so when would I have time to date?

And to my great surprise, several people have independently come to the conclusion "oh, so I guess Taekwondo is your boyfriend"

At first I thought it was funny. It sounds funny. But the more I thought about it...it was kind of true. I spent a good majority of my time thinking about it. I was at the dojang 7 days a week. It drove me crazy, but I loved it. It taught me so much about myself. I spent a lot of money on it. It made me cry. It made me smile. It made me grow.

But now, in this forced hiatus that may well be indefinite, I think about what it means to me, what it has been, and what it is becoming. As I evaluate whether this time in my life has passed, or whether it is just evolving, I can't help but feel like this is the part in the relationship when you have to do what's best, even if you may not want to. And sometimes that means breaking up.

And as I think of what such a "break-up" would look like - I wonder...can we just be friends? Can we really, after such an intense and emotional relationship, end things and truly stay "friends".

Maybe it's time to "see other people" - ie. my friends who I've neglected for so long. ie. other activities that my pique my interest. ie. to get some regular sleep. ie. a job that is actually fulfilling. I must admit, football has been my 'rebound' from TKD. I realized this the other day when I made my I-will-throw-consistently-and-practice-6-days-a-week schedule, that I was in withdrawal from having gone from training 15+ hrs/wk down to 3 hrs/wk. From captaining to strategizing, conditioning to scrutinizing skills (or my lack thereof) - it's filled the hole enough so that I can be perfectly happy.

But when football is over in early November - then what? Can TKD and I just be friends? Can we just be recreational, on a semi-committed basis, where if I show up to practice that's great, and if I don't, that's OK too? Where there are far less obligations, far less expectations on both sides?

Or is it too hard to be in the same place, remember what it once was, and know that it is no longer? Is it too hard to be reminded of what could have been, but never came into fruition? Are there still "what if's?" left on the table?

I think in any sort of "break", the time apart is key. It's the litmus test of whether you can live without it...or whether you can't. When the rubble and emotions of the "break up" fade, and you can look at it objectively. Or rather, more objectively. Sometimes that takes a lot of time. I'm not sure if I'm there yet.

But for what it's worth - it's been a great 7 years. I guess we were friends for 10 years prior, and it was my boyfriend for the last 7...but in that time, it's been one heck of a ride. I have a million regrets about this or that - but I guess I wouldn't trade it. It took me to 19 states and 10 countries. 4 broken fingers, 1 torn knee, 6 jammed toes, 2 shin bubbles, 3 cases of tendonitis, 1 concussion later...it will still contain some of the best memories of my life. The first time MIT won a tournament - and the first time MIT won the INCTL Cup. The first black belt test I ever gave, and how Juan told me he blacked out in the middle. The time Sr bet me that if I won US Open, he'd be nice to me for a month - and the look on his face when I did. The first time I ever wore USA on my butt. The opening ceremonies. My lucky pants. The nights when it was just me and Sabs. James. Adolfo. Scott. The days when it was just me, my jump rope, a bag, and the stereo. Sweating. Pushing. Facing fears and being stronger than them. Failing. Failing. Failing. Succeeding. Failing again. Teaching the kids, seeing them grow to love it, losing my voice yelling at them - and seeing them shine. Fighting the uphill battles. Football runs. Running men. Circle sparring. Hogu drills. Sparring till you cry and then sparring again. Always having to do more than everyone else. Having to do it better, faster, stronger, harder. Knowing that I'm better today than I was yesterday.

After all this. Is it time to let go? And if so - can we really just be friends?