Thursday, September 30, 2004

working, kicking, and singing

Two for two! Daniel gives great hugs for a small pint. He was so cute today in his little polo shirt and vest with jeans outfit. I can't wait to have little boys and dress them up. ..=)

I finally have something real to do at work! Even if I'm not entirely sure what exactly they want me to do. But it's exciting to be in a mini-team and actually having my own responsibility with something that doesn't involve reading or editing proposals. I'm realizing that there is a difference between consulting and engineering - a difference that I will one day have to make some decisions about. But that will be way later.

I'm a horrible person. I kicked Sab low today. Boo, me. With a narabam on triple hogus, no less. Well, I think I caught part of the bottom of the hogus, but...definitely came up short. Boo, me.

I'm feeling good these days though. It's all in my head. Maybe it's the 30 min power naps I'm taking before heading to the dojang at nights (I'm a big believer in the power nap) - but it's getting easier for me to convince myself that kicking feels good and that I'm going because I want to. Maybe that's the mental toughness that Sabs were talking about. And it's a different motivation to try and make them happy - not so much under pressure, but really wanting to give my last ounce.

Jr has this "look" after any particularly poor kick. It's kind of like "I'm laughing at how pathetic you are" mixed with "I'm disgusted by that piece of crap you call a kick". Kind of disdainful, I guess. I hate that look, it makes me feel like I'm being lazy.

All in all, I think it was good. He yelled at me some, but mostly good stuff. And boy did he kick hard. Haha, I got to be a hard-ass about some of the kicking drills and made him do extra if his kicks weren't totally awesome. Except then I realized that the only effect of that was that I was eating more kicks.

Spin hook kicks were pretty on today. Wahoo! Goal for this weekend (ugh I keep forgetting I'm competing too): score with a double, score with a spin hook kick, don't get injured. And don't lose any kids. Haha =)

***************

Did you ever notice how certain songs remind you of certain people? I was listening to my playlist the other day and totally started missing people and thinking back in time...

Meet Us (Vineyard) - Roy and 9am prayer meetings

The Victim - Dan Shiau and Crossproducts

난아라요 (Seotaiji) - Linda!

MmmBop (Hanson) - Harvard Summer School '97

Wannabe (Spice Girls) - Margaret and Dave at 노래방 (karaoke)...HAHAHA

Yeah (Usher) - Helen dancing around my room

Stacy's Mom (Fountains of Wayne) - Richard. HAHA. I cannot believe I like this song, I'm so disgusted with myself.

Yes, I put very random songs together in playlists...=)

Breaking everyone in

Best greeting ever: I get to the dojang at 7:30pm and I hear

"Noona! Hi noona!"

Thought I'd be pushing my luck, but hey why not:

"Hi Daniel! Can noona have a hug?"

And to my great surprise, he gives me one. YES! He likes me! The last time he gave me a hug and a kiss was when I had brought him a present. A free hug with no bribing - totally made my day.

And then Teresa's son (forgot his name, really cute kid with white-blond hair and the bluest eyes I've ever seen, can't be more than 2) comes toddling over to me with his arms out and gives me a fat hug.

Aww...TOTALLY made my day.

****************

Sue: "Sir, are you coming to Nationals?"
Jr: "Uhh...well, one of us will be there."
Sue: "But it would be so nice to have you both there - Rob and I are coming just to bring you Starbucks."
me: "Wait a minute, this whole time you've been telling me you're coming for me!"
Jr: "Don't you know that my coffee is more important than you?

(pause)

"Christina. Before you get all sad - it was a JOKE."
me: "I know"

I'm impressed by the quick uptake and apparent sensitivity. Maybe I'm breaking them in...nah, it was probably just a fluke.

I may be the first call lackey but at least I've graduated from Starbucks duty!

****************

"No crying for a week. You haven't cried for 3 days. This is good."


Maybe they realize it's too daunting to live up to no crying, ever. A week I can handle. Maybe a week at a time. We'll see what he has in store for tomorrow, though. I missed Jr, it was good to have him back. He's way more into tough love than Sr, but actually quite generous with his praise when he's pleased. I think I got more positive comments than negative today - though I did get reprimanded on the walk home.

Yay for progress!


Wednesday, September 29, 2004

PT and field trip

*sigh*

I'm so tired you'd think it was a HARDCORE! day. Well, I didn't go to the JCC this morning, but I did go to PT (physical therapy). Maybe that's it - the whole 7am appointment thing. Actually, it was kind of strenuous. I was originally supposed to go for my toes (which do get stretched, ultrasounded, and iced at the end of every session) but then he just tested me for all the weak muscles in my lower body and we started doing strength exercises. Steve, my therapist, is like a personal trainer. He's pretty cool.

Boy does it make you feel pathetic when someone isolates the exact things that you can't do and then makes you do them. It's like when I made Adolfo do left leg spin hook kicks yesterday.

I got to go on a field trip at work today - Jen was going to take me to see Shaft 15B on Roosevelt Island, but apparently there are security issues and you have to get cleared to go down there. Bummer. So I went with Anthony to Shaft 21B in Brooklyn. It was pretty cool, though kind of gross going underground because it poured yesterday. But I got to wear a hardhat! =)

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Learning to be shared with

Korean relationships are so vertical sometimes - the 섬배 후배 (senior-junior) relationship that exists even with a mere year of age difference has such a pronounced effect. It's great like that, though. You know that if you're younger you'll always be taken care of, but that you're always junior and you obey and trust your seniors. If you're senior you know you have a responsibility to your juniors, but they'll look up to you and support you and be loyal to you.

Perhaps it's just the way that we are, but it catches me off-guard when people who are older than me share. I'm not talking cookies or drinks, I mean when they open up and let you into their lives and show you, to some degree, that they are human and struggle and hurt and deal with real things. That they're not invincible.

I don't think I've had as much trouble sharing with my juniors as I would think...in some ways maybe I share more than I should. But somehow I still find it surprising when my seniors share with me.

But that being said, there is value in bearing one another's burdens. Despite the situation and being helpless to do anything but offer my support should it be needed - I find it a great privilege to catch a glimpse of what they're going through and in some extremely remote way be a part of it.

Learning...

The joy of play

So my daily meditations flippy thing had something that stuck with me yesterday:

"The real joy of life is in its play. Play is anything we do for the joy and love of doing it, apart from any profit, compulsion, or sense of duty. It is the real living of life with the feeling of freedom and self-expression. Play is the business of childhood, and its continuation in later years is the prolongation of youth."

As I was drafting some emails lately to try and encourage some people who were down, I found myself saying the same things over and over again. Despite the fact that each of their situations was different - the conclusions that I came to were the same and also what I need sometimes as well.

It really is about enjoying what you do. Because if there's no joy in it, then why do it? This can apply to any number of things - work, ministry, sports, art, music...whatever. One thing that Sr told me during my recent meltdown was that I had to come ready to work out - wanting to work out. That when I was so stressed out and worried and thinking too much, that it builds on each other and restricts the good stuff from flowing out of my sparring.

"We would be perfectly happy if you chose not to compete. In fact, it would be easier for us. We have a dozen other things that we put aside to train you every night."

"Well...would you prefer that I stopped competing?"

"NO! Because you haven't reached your full potential yet."

"Well it makes me feel like a burden that I'm causing you to sacrifice to come in for me when it'd be easier not to."

"It's not a burden - all we want from you is that you come ready to work out, and that you train hard. Kick as hard as you can and show us your best - that's what makes us happy."

It wasn't until I read the little quote thing that it really sank in. All this winning and losing and making Team and not disappointing them aside...it all boils down to one thing. We're here because we love to be here. Because it feels good to sweat and kick and move and yell. There is joy in bringing out the best in another, and there is joy in the rewards of hard work. Anxiety over the outcome shouldn't impede that. And when there is joy, there is heart - when there is heart, there is freedom - and when there is freedom, there's a natural flow of your best.

6 years after I first made this realization, I find myself revisiting it over and over again.

Life is about the journey, not the destination. May it be a joyful journey.

Puzzled

Someone asked me a question last night and I'm not sure if it's a real question. In any event, I felt rather dumb not being able to answer it...help?

"What is the square root of an isosceles triangle?"

Monday, September 27, 2004

Hair scare

Reason #8 why I must marry a Korean: Koreans are not hairy.

This morning when I went to the JCC (Jewish Community Center, my gym) to go swimming (revised HARDCORE!) I was disturbed by the number if grossly hairy men at the pool. Like, gorilla hairy. Granted, I've never been exposed to back hair before - for all I knew, it was a myth.

But no. It's quite real.

And then the dorky side of me wondered...how do they swim? That must cause a lot of drag force...

By the way, if you're curious, these are reasons 1-7. I shall tally a list as time goes on...

1. It's just who I am
2. I communicate best in Korean
3. My parents would keel over and die
4. Korean children
5. Who else would understand the 김치 냉장고 (kimchee fridge)? (ie. our food smells)
6. Kpop and dramas
7. Koreans lack the odor-producing sweat gland (according to Jin's anatomy and physiology textbook).

*Edit: So I changed the phrasing of 4 on account of a comment that someone left. Not that I should have to consider an opinion that someone didn't have guts to say outright. But just saying, I want little Korean kids that speak Korean. That's all. I have mixed cousins and they're quite attractive and good kids. But they have zero concept of culture and can't speak a word...and that makes me sad.

Sunday, September 26, 2004

What a weekend

Saturday:

1) Stabbed in the chest
2) Kicked in the hand
3) Had a great kicking day
4) Didn't cry
5) '02 mini-reunion

net positive? i think so...

******************

1) Finally went to the dermatolgist about the scar on my chest. She said it was no big deal and shot me up with steriods. But I am a needle wuss - TOTAL wuss. On top of that she wanted to stab me in a tender wound on my chest...the nurse offered to hold my hand and I bet I squeezed her fingers off. I was in a cold sweat after it was over...definitely more traumatizing than having radioactive goo shot into my arm. Needle wuss. Rawr.

Apparently I have to go back in a month to get shot up again. I hope this doesn't mess with my anti-doping drug testing stuff...

2 and 4) I get no sympathy around here...so Joonho wanted to spar after class. Sparring Joonho (오빠) is cool - he's not huge and he's not a mook, so it's all good. Except Sat when we were clinching and he kicked out and I didn't close my fists - I went down writhing on the ground because we both heard a crack.

I open my eyes and see Sab Jr sitting in front of me - I suppose he must've been mildly concerned if he even came over. He smiles and says "Good! You didn't cry. Progress!" and walks away. THAT actually made me almost cry...well more like laughing crying at how ridiculous it was. He turns around and says "눈물 하나도 없자나!" kind of chuckles, and walks off the mat.

NO sympathy around here...

But in a strange way...I think he was happy. Even if I might have broken my finger. And that makes me happy. Even if I might have broken my finger...

3 and 5) Nancy, Jae, Helena, and Sunny were having lunch on the UWS and they stopped by the dojang and watched for a bit. It was so good to see them again! Ah...now I see why dad gets so excited about his high school reunions...nothing like 동창's sometimes. They got to see me get yelled at, but only mildly.

It was the best kicking day I've had in a long time - pads were popping, I felt pretty quick, and was making Sr go blech on the back kicks. And every time I felt like I was going to die, they caught me and made me suck it up and erase the pain from my face. And for the first time in a long time - it worked. Somehow the negative energy was channeled into kicking harder. Utterly exhausted, but in a good way. They were pleased with me, it felt good.

Sr: "Come on...I want to go to the Dominican! I won't be able to coach you...but I want to go!"
me: "So if I make the team, you'll come?"


Well, Jr will be there to coach Chinedum, so it'd be cool if Sr came too to watch...I have to make this team. Less than 3 weeks left to camp...

After I was done and showered, I went out to Queens to meet up with them at Helena's. We didn't do much of anything, but it was cool to just hang out and catch up...doesn't seem like MIT was so long ago now...times like this I miss my old life...

Saturday, September 25, 2004

I'm still on your side

Preach it, BBMak...

"i think that everyone except *x* will see it as a plus that you train with us. still, i think you should let him know, because he will know that we won't take any crap they give you just sitting down."

So as things get settled and finalized for Camp (3 weeks from now!) I was disheartened to start thinking about politics and how they might affect the outcome. Basically, 6 people from each division were invited to this "Development Camp", a coaching staff of 8 coaches will put us through a weekend of hard training, and in the end they'll pick one person from each division to be the year's Developmental Team member to go to Pan Ams and stuff. Sounds simple enough. However, the nature of such a selection process is highly subjective, and where there is subjectivity in sports, there's politics.

I called in yesterday and got a list of the coaches. I promptly relayed the list to Sabs to get info on them.

So I hate politics. I think it's the stupidest thing ever, and at least to me, what hits home about how innately selfish and sinful we are. Of course it's personal because I've experienced the short end of the stick in a blatant way a couple years ago and it totally broke my heart. When people blatantly cheat or show favoritism in something, particularly a sport - that really bothers me because it goes against everything that athleticism stands for: fair play, good sportsmanship, may the best man win.

In any event, upon hearing Sabs' assessment of people and their predictions of how they would treat me based on the fact that I'm Korean, it made me discouraged. Why does ethnicity have to matter? Why does the anti-Korean sentiment come and bite ME in the butt?

But there's no use in thinking about things I can't control. If the choose to deny me a fair chance, then there's nothing I can do to change that. I can't become white, nor do I want to. I'm not ashamed to say that I train with Sabs - in fact, I'm quite proud of it. There's nothing to do now but to put my head down, train as hard as I can, and just show the best that I have.

In the meantime, it's comforting to know that Sabs are on my side, and that they'll stand up for me if someone hurts me or treats me poorly. Having two lawyers on your side never hurt anyone...

I love my boys

Had a 2 hour dinner with Adolfo after teaching kids sparring. We have this only child bond going, it's pretty cool. It's really interesting how much we can commisserate wrt the dojang and Sabs. I have the Korean thing going, but he's been there forever. We had an interesting discussion about religion too - he turned down my offer to take him to church, but wasn't opposed to talking about God and religion. Like they said at Urbana - strange how many athletes are actually nominal Christians or otherwise "churched". He may only call me noona when he knows he's in trouble, but he is in fact a good dongseng.

I love Fridays because getting to the dojang at 6 means Daniel isn't Mr. Cranky Pants yet. That boy gets tired and cranky around 8pm. But today when I got there I got a big grin and a "hi noona!" He even held my hand and wanted to show me all this power ranger stuff online. (Yes, the 3 year old knows how to use a computer)

"Daniel, is Mr. Peterson Korean?" (Mr. P is black)

"Yeah!"

"Is noona Korean?"

"Yeah!"

"So...is everyone Korean?"

"Yeah, we're all Korean!"

Hahaha...right, kiddo.

Friday, September 24, 2004

Another one?!?!

New life. New location. New blog. New name.

Well. lakim the blog-snob and mcho the anti-xanga-ites use this so I assume it's worthwhile to check out. And besides...Mozilla on xanga and lj won't let me ctrl-i to italicize. It was driving me crazy...

So it's a ghost town in here today. All of my coworkers (at least, all of the young ones) went to Virginia for the weekend. Our VP has a beach house down there and they go on this annual clambake beach party trip in September. Due to having to teach tonight, train tomorrow, and see the doctor about my scar (finally!) - I had to forego the trip. Sad. :(

My boss is here though. And his Super Mario ringtone. I find it hilarious...esp. cuz his phone goes off every 5 min. Heehee...