all out

Agh it happened again!

Last night, as part of the experiment I put myself through whenever I get the chance (which is just about never) - I went to bed early and did not set my alarm.

12.5 hours later, I woke up.

DANGIT!

I think I'm oppressed by my own schedule. This year, I was notorious for missing small group on the days that I got a chance to come home and take a "short nap" after work. Like when I woke up on Saturday morning at 8am when I was supposed to get up from my nap at 8pm the night before...

As I look to this coming year, it's not even a full plate on the horizon. It's the freaking unlimited line at an all-you-can-eat buffet. I love multi-tasking, and the one thing I hope never to be descrived as is lazy, but...this past week of uncertainty of how to possibly juggle everything in the fall just made me hit despair and change the subject (in my mind) whenever I thought about it.

It's kind of like when you look at a problem you can't solve and realize your mind is a blank and don't know where to begin. (Any engineers out there? You know what I mean...)

Despair, I tell you.

Anyways. So because I know (and HATE) the feeling of absolute cluelessness, I spend most of my tutoring time teaching kids strategies to get their brains moving when they blank on a problem. And for most subjects, it's been pretty successful for the kids who dont' have a natural intuition for problem solving - like "always convert everything to moles and see what you have to work with". "When in doubt, chain rule". "Draw a force diagram".

But I wonder...do these man-made algorithms really work? For getting towards the solution, maybe it gives a better chance. Or maybe it's just a way to make me feel better - after all, I was the queen of partial credit. But sometimes I wonder, if I could see the bigger picture, wouldn't I develop a better intuition as to what steps to take to get to the answer?

So as I stare at my Excel sheet of time slots and try to figure out where everything fits, I realized...I could make everything physically fit if I really worked at it. But would I be so busy that I wouldn't be able to give anything my best? Would I not have room for God to move, because I couldn't squeeze anything into my schedule that wasn't already there?

It seems as though everything has been kicked up a notch this year. New goals, new visions, new opportunities. And sometimes it's unclear what the quantities are that should measure your choices and decisions, particularly in how you invest your time. Is it what you "should" do? Is it what you love? Is it what is practical? Possible? Impossible?

As I was praying through how to encourage someone else, somehow I was overwhelmed with these questions for myself. What is the overall big picture? How many of my choices are made routinely, "because I have to"? Well, I have to go to practice, because I have to work out, and if I don't, I'll be slow and out of shape. True - but is my training measured by the number of hours I spent on the mat? I have to go to small group, because I have to make an effort to be a part of the community. True - but what if I'm so tired that I can't enjoy that time and really contribute to the discussions?

Sometimes it's good to take a step back and try to see the bigger picture. Perhaps rest and recharge time is more than what I scoffed it to be. I think I've tried so hard to be the "best" I can be these last couple years, that I will oftentimes muscle my way through instead of really putting my full heart into it.

Sacrifice is hard. Particularly when it is unclear what needs to go. But sometimes you can't move forward when you're carrying too many things on your back. I guess at that point, if it's God's will, then He gives you the strength to go on...and if it's not, then something's gotta give. So looking at training, teaching, tutoring, small group leading, and (I guess) my job...it's time to really seek how to best steward my time and abilities.

But it's funny how when you try to bless, encourage, or challenge someone else, you end up being blessed, encouraged, and challenged. God's kind of cool that way. Every time I've been called to small group leading and been forced to lay down my fears and apprehensions - God has really blown me away with how He provides. As I get to know JH and try to figure out how to support him, I've been blessed by our similarities and differences. Though I was disappointed to not have been put on college ministry - I see clearer now that this may be a better place for me. I'm already learning a lot about myself, and we haven't even started yet...particularly in attempting to be intentional since I've never co-led anything before. Sure brings into perspective what my tendencies and leadership style is...and how it needs to expand and grow. But as this year approaches...I just wonder what it holds.

As he says..."yeah lets totally fight this year and go all out". All out indeed. I fear for what happens when I let myself go all out for anything, but...as I look to the choices before me, I want to be able to go all out for each commitment that I have.