만족해요?

What a weekend. High stress, high crankiness, high stakes, but a few heart attacks later, got the job done. Yay? I'm not as excited so much as relieved. I gave Sr a heart attack when I won the 2nd match in sudden death. I hate sudden death. That's about as stressful as it gets, especially when you know you shouldn't have let it get there in the first place.

It was a lot of the same feelings I had when I used to compete in the INCTL. Knowing that everyone expected you to win, and that if you did it'd be like yeah, OK she won and if you didn't it'd be a big deal. I still remember the one blemish on my INCTL record, when I lost 2-1 to Charity at Columbia 2002. Dan had asked me if I was OK with bracketing it that way, since it was a one-woman team and would guarantee my ragtag A1 team a medal. I said OK, we fought w/o coaches, and I lost. Afterwards, one of my blue belts came up to me with shocked eyes and said: "wait...but you lost...how could you let that happen?"

I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

Competition is hard no matter how you look at it. Whether you're the underdog or the top dog - there's something to overcome. This weekend was a tournament of firsts for me - the first time being the clear pick to win in a competition of this level, first time being taller than everyone I fought, first time Sab was there to coach me to a team spot. The hardest part was that I knew that if I lost, it would be all my fault. That's why when it was finally over, I completely broke down and cried on his shoulder. James, he got a big fat bear hug - his win was exciting, spectacular, and hard-earned. Me, it was just what was supposed to have happened. And if it didn't, that means I screwed up.

"Maybe it's better not to be the best. Then you can lose, and it's OK." -Bobby Fischer

I think that sometimes, you have to come to terms with and give yourself permission to lose - in order to win. It's a fine line between knowing that you can win and there's no reason you shouldn't, and then shutting that thought out and not thinking - just doing. My final match was really interesting, because I was basically fighting a shorter, slightly slower, less experienced version of me. It was unnerving to have to fight completely differently, but I was quite pleased with myself in retrospect with how smart we approached it, and how well we communicated. Even the things he said that I'd scoffed at before, when he said it in the ring I just sort of did it.

"만족해요?" (Are you satisfied?)

"그래" (Yes)

What a good phrase. Haha you could totally make a Korean drama out of this. I really hope he gets the coaching position and can go - this could potentially be redeeming in all respects from the horrendous judging of 2003 and the horrible conflicts between me and Sr in 2004. God is cool because He gives opportunities for redemption.

God is good.

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한국사람 않이면 이예할수없어.