card in my back pocket

One of the most meaningful things anyone has ever said to me was at Chapter Camp 2001. This was back when Alex and I were pretty good friends - I probably would have considered him at the time to have been my closest friend in ACF. The last night of Chapter Camp is always spent doing senior/staff affirmations - that's got to be one of my favorite times ever. I love affirmations. I don't see why there needs to be a designated time for affirmations to get people to do it - we shouldn't need an excuse to affirm one another. But in any event - I love feel-good moments, and the last night of Ch. Camp is always full of them.

Well that year we were juniors, and it had been a pretty eventful year. I guess it all started with Rush and having been Kipp's lab partner and becoming better friends with him left me at PKT a bunch (back in the old PKT), but for whatever reason, Alex and I became good friends.

Anyways, so after the formal affirmations are over, we have the rest of the night free and people continue to talk and reconcile and affirm through the night so we're all dead asleep on the bus the next day on the way back. It's probably the most redeeming thing I've ever witnessed - it's God at work.

I remember pretty vividly 2 conversations I had with people: one was Sarah (hard to believe that the freshman who called me un-nee and looked up to me is now Mama Shin and on staff herself - awesome) and the other was Alex. And what he said wasn't eloquent, it was actually short and simple.

"Sparky, you've been the card in my back pocket. Whenever I've needed someone or something and no one's there (he reaches for his back pocket and motions as though he's pulling something out) - oh! There it is."

I actually can still picture it. And it was funny because I think he was wearing basketball shorts so he didn't actually HAVE a back pocket. But it's quite possibly the most affirming thing that anyone's ever said to me, and I remember it.

Since coming to New York, I think one of the hardest things to deal with is having an empty back pocket. It doesn't mean I don't have friends - my friends from Boston still carry through and as long distance permits, I know I can count on some of them and I hope they know they can count on me. I have a handful of friends in NY, though they're dependable for different things.

I think the difficulty is the expectation that people place that I will be that card in their back pocket - but then not considering that maybe I need cards in mine. That maybe I would feel more like a human being and less like Cinderella if I was asked to do things rather than volunteered. That perhaps the stepsisters could be asked once in awhile, and that working and being treated subservient all the time and watching the doublestandard unfold in front of me just isn't cool. That when I'm doing the best I can and when few to no people volunteer to help me and refuse or fall through when I request - makes it difficult to be a cheerful giver. That maybe this has become less of a joy and more of a job.

Sr said something the other day when I gave him his birthday present - "even Sabumnims need love sometimes". They've said that before when I've managed to surprise them with some sort of affirmation that they've actually received. "Even coaches need appreciation". I know that, why do you think I do it?

Well fine then. Even captains need love and appreciation and help sometimes.

Everyone go out and affirm someone today. The world is sorely lacking affirmations.