Last Sunday we had a guest speaker at church, Pastor Peter something. He was awesome - reminded me in a way of Pastor Soong-Chan or James (gosh I miss their teaching!) because he really knew how to engage his audience, was able to communicate his message clearly, and had some simple yet substantial points. I only had to give a talk once when I was on IV staff, but the month of preparation that it took sure made me appreciate pastors and staffers who have to do it on a regular basis. (I affirm you all!)
So last Saturday I ended up having a good little discussion with Mrs. Sab (my coach's wife) about the nature of Sabs. I must say, it was so validating to have a woman's opinion and realize that I'm not the only one who's had to struggle to understand and communicate with them.
"He left you after the tournament, huh?"
"YES! Why does he DO that??"
"I should've warned you...I KNEW he was going to do that. I talked to him when he got to the airport:
{you left her, didn't you?
yes
she's probably crying her eyes out and TRAUMATIZED and you just LEFT HER THERE???
I don't care}
You can't take it personally. He just removes himself when he doesn't know how to deal."
John Gray wasn't kidding about men retreating to caves. But this is not commentary on women and men (stick to the topic, sparky). This conversation coupled with the sermon that followed the next day made me realize something important: I think one of the worst feelings one can experience is abandonment. Particularly when you feel abandoned by the one person who you need the most when it counts.
After the loss last week, I left the arena. (There's nothing more embarassing than being upset in public). My friend went with me and sat with me for awhile, and somewhere in there, my coach came by, said about 2 words and left. Unfortunately, I was selected for drug testing, which meant that I was taken into the anti-doping station and kept there until the testing was finished. It was around noon, and my coach's flight was set for the evening. He came in around 1pm and told me he was leaving for the airport to catch an earlier flight (I found out later, the only reason he even came to tell me was because someone had forced him to, saying I'd take it really badly if I came out and realized he was gone without saying goodbye).
I think it was harder on me that my coach left me than actually accepting the loss itself. It drives me crazy when he just leaves like that because I have no sense of what he's thinking. Whether he's angry or disappointed, whether that is directed at me or circumstances or himself - nothing is known and at that point everything gets assumed (and naturally, I assume the worst). Plus it makes you feel like a bigger failure and that what was a partnership is now just you - it makes you doubt whether someone's support of you is unconditional of performance. (Not a good road).
Pastor Peter touched upon this idea in his talk about the end of this passage: "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." It was encouraging to be reminded (and I'm talking hit-you-over-the-head "DUH" reminded) that even though sometimes He doesn't feel like He's there, He will not abandon us. Jesus wanted his disciples to know this because they were about to go through the loneliest time of their lives.
Sabs told me from Nervous Breakdown #1 that they would not hold my hand. That they would not coddle me, indulge me, or any of those things that they think create dependency. They wanted me to be an independent, strong, free-thinking individual. That's all well and good, and to some extent their intentions have succeeded. I'm not scared to fight anyone anymore, I don't cry when I'm hurt or down during a match, I can go to tournaments without them and not fall apart because someone else is sitting in my chair...and much of the time, I make my own workouts and train myself. While all these things are good and absolutely necessary to make a champion, their implementation has often been isolating and lonely. Sometimes they've gone so way out of their way to be inaccessible or unapproachable that even though I know that they care about me a lot, I just don't feel it.
I imagine that's what Jesus felt like at the end of his life on earth. Knowing that God loved him, but feeling that He'd been abandoned to die alone. That's some insane trust.
Some things will have to change - or else I'll go absolutely crazy. And asking a 40-something to compromise and meet you in the middle is an uphill battle with a steep gradient. But I feel a bit more at peace when I look at how Jesus did not renounce God and gave complete trust, even when it seemed the Father turned His face away. And likewise, it's encouraging to know that while men (and by men I mean humans, not just males) may fail us or leave us, Jesus never will. The definitives in that verse "SURELY I am with you ALWAYS to the VERY END of the age" state a committment...probably the one I needed to be reminded of most right now.Great is your faithfulness oh God
You wrestle with the sinner's heart
You lead us by still waters into mercy
And nothing can keep us apart
So remember your people
Remember your children
Remember your promise, oh God
Your grace is enough.
Your grace is enough.
Your grace is enough.
Your grace is enough for me.
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