enough

"But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize." -Philippians 3:13-14

Once again a great discussion with my huddle group last week...Philippians is so awesome. I was so absolutely late to sg because it was my snack week (eesh, felt like such a Martha moment, frantically lugging food across town...and by Martha I mean Martha-and-Mary not Martha Stewart) but I got there for the meaty part of Bible study so it was all good.

We were discussing the concept of "straining forward" and "pressing on", and what past events keep you from moving forward. And it hit me. Perhaps this was the lesson that God has been teaching me through this whole ordeal with this recent tournament experience. (One of those lightbulb flashes over your head moments...)

Someone brought up a good point that it's not necessarily just negative events in the past that keep you from growing, but that oftentimes it's the positive experiences and complacency that results in a stagnant spiritual life. Seems obvious...but there it was. The answer to the question that has plagued me for 2 weeks.

That's why I lost.

I'd been gunning so hard for so long for two of my goals that went hand-in-hand - to beat her and to make National Team. And it seemed natural that if I ever got the mental confidence to go out there and fight her hard enough to beat her, I'd be making the Team. But after I achieved the former goal in January, there was a bit of complacency and satisfaction that set in on all of our parts - for me and my coaches.

As I sit typing this with the splint thingy reminding me of my shortcomings and failure, I see the situation more clearly. On the positive side, I broke through to the top tier this year. It was a year of growth, expanding my repertoire, becoming more developed mentally in the game...and just plain getting tougher.

But the reality is that at the top levels, athletes have resources that I don't have. They have experience that I don't have...Somewhere, somehow, I have to make up that ground. If the goal is to belong at that level, then I can be there on talent alone. But if the goal is to own it at that level...then there is no room for complacency. There is no room to be resting on laurels of past successes, no matter how significant they are.

Maybe this is what Paul meant to forget what lies behind. It's so easy to run the race thinking that it's a sprint - when in reality it's a marathon. (And God only knows how much I *hate* long distance running).

Marathons are dynamic. There are hills, there are valleys, and there are flat parts...but regardless of who you've passed and who has passed you, you have to keep on running to stay focused on finishing. In my case, I've been running behind someone, chasing and chasing and chasing...and then on a hill I overtook her. And in the excitement of being in the lead I went on cruise control, and didn't pay attention until I saw her pass me and sprint out ahead...and cross the finish line.

It crept up so slowly that none of us noticed it until it was too late, but we hadn't approached this with the same intensity and fire that we had last year. We didn't approach it with everything we had. Maybe we couldn't have pushed, the injuries were significantly debilitating...but the fact is we didn't have the urgency and desperation to cover all the bases.

It reminds me of a quote from my favorite movie:

"You think you can win this on talent alone? Boys, you don't HAVE enough talent." -Miracle

It's so true.

I don't have enough talent. I don't have enough time. I don't have the momentum of teammates beside me, pushing day in and day out for the same goals. I don't have coaches who I can communicate with. I don't even have my health half the time.

So the question I've been wrestling with the last couple weeks has been: what will it take, and do I have enough to get there? Given the reality of my situation and my coaches' situations - is it enough to achieve the goals we set out for? What do I need to expect from myself and others, and will I be able to find that?

Tough questions.

To me, "forgetting what lies behind" doesn't actually mean forgetting, as in, erasing from your memory. I think that in the context of the race, it means to not dwell on the good and the bad of the past. Forgetting altogether would be doing experiences injustice, as there is much to be learned from successes and failures. But I think the meat behind his statement was that ultimately, it's about pressing on towards the goal and the prize - being singleminded and desperately focused.

People often ask me why I blog. Some people do it to journal, some to write their thoughts...some do it for themselves, others do it to join the fad...

One thing I glean from blogging is that it helps clarify my thoughts into something sensical. (At least, to me). As dpark would say, I'm an external processor. I write it, I read it, and it makes sense to me. Sometimes, it's my way of giving me the pep talk that I need, particularly when there is no one to give it to me but myself.

Even if I do or don't believe it when I'm writing it.

All of you is more than enough for all of me
for every thirst and every need
you satisfy me, with your love
and all I have in you
is more than enough

Is it enough?