The coaching staff and I all had high expectations as I entered by junior year of college baseball. With 2 years of experience, this was going to be my "breakout" year. As it turned out, I began the year underachieving greatly. As I struggled, I knew that I had begun to lose confidence as well. Then I was reminded of an old phrase, "Confidence comes before success."
We all know that success breeds confidence, but so many times we are held back from achieving success because of our lack of confidence. Maybe we fear what others think, or maybe we doubt ourselves. Doubt and fear go hand-in-hand and frequently prevent us from reaching our full potential.
However, 2 Timonthy 1:7 tells us, "God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." Confidence and faith go hand-in-hand as well. God wants us to have confidence in the abilities and talents He's given us, and we do that by first having faith in Him and then giving our best effort. Work hard, think positively, and use the power God has given you to produce confidence - then get ready for any success God allows you to enjoy!
-Sports Spectrum Power Up Daily Devotion for March 18-19
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How very appropriate for this weekend. Ironically, in many of the ways that I made mistakes and things fell apart last month...they came together in those very ways this weekend. After having this particular devotion in my mind, I had a feeling (in the recesses of my brain, squished way back there) that all I needed - despite the injuries and whatever else was superficially causing me to doubt - was confidence and peace. I guess that is really the core of what I ever ask for prayer for, but for this time especially, I felt like God wanted to redeem me, if only I would let things go and let Him. Easier said than done - letting control go in clutch situations is not one of my strong points.
But once again, it was another one of those Gideon moments. (ref. Judges 6). After lifting to strengthen the knees, protecting the broken hand, dealing with the emotional disconnect with the coaches after the last big loss, sustaining the random toe injury 4 days before departure, getting sick...I had every reason to be unconfident in myself. (And believe me, I was freaking out). I was afraid I was in a slump, or even worse - that I had already peaked and was just going downhill. I almost didn't even compete in this one because I didn't want to defend my title while I wasn't 100%. How bad would it the blow be, after having been the Collegiate Team captain for the last 3 years, if I showed up this 4th year and lost? Being the underdog is hard, but sometimes being the person to beat is even harder. You have everything to lose.
But there is redemption, and it's even sweeter when you realize your weaknesses and see that it takes a greater strength to win in spite of them. Deciding to compete altogether was a huge risk for my risk-averse self. But despite the risks - or maybe because of them - it was what I had to make myself do.
Coach JK asked me in Dallas the night before I fought whether I was going to win. And I replied something vague, like, "I hope so". And he told me that that wasn't the right attitude. Not just because you should always be thinking you're the best, exactly...not the way that my own coaches have tried to drill in confidence by telling me that it has to almost be delusional. (That is also true, but doesn't work for me.) But he said this: "You don't want to say that you're going to win because if you do, then you'll have to back it up. That's the type of person you are - you're not going to promise something that you won't deliver. Which is why it's time for you to put yourself out there and say these things SO THAT you'll force yourself to back it up and make it come true."
I don't think anyone outside of my head ever put it into words like that, but he basically hit the nail on the head. I've always disliked when people talk big for the sake of talking big. I envied their confidence, but it just wasn't something I liked to do before a tournament. Sure, I've gone into tournaments able to say I'm "not too worried" about the competition - but I've avoided saying "I'm going to win" because there is always the possibility that I won't. You never know. And it's far better to come back having said you won than to promise to win and have to say you lost.
I think I was so nervous about this tournament, not because I was injured with this and that, but because it was a risk, and I raised the bar for myself. For the same reason that I'd never said I was going to win, I also had never worn any of my USA uniforms in non-international competitions. Nowadays, a lot of people make their own uniforms that say "USA" on the back or butt, but there is a certain pride in having a "real" team uniform that you earned by being on a national team (be it regular, junior, or collegiate). I'd always thought about wearing mine to defend my titles, but never did, for fear that if I lost or performed badly, it'd be so embarassing.
So perhaps it seems insignificant, but to me, just going to Trials and wearing my team uniform were the ways I forced myself to put things aside and step up to the plate. My legs have never hurt so badly as they did on Sunday, but sometimes you get strength from places you didn't know you had any. Watching the tapes, I looked surprisingly strong - for the knees that couldn't fully kick just a week before, I was hitting points harder than in a hogu drill. For the hand that is broken and torn, I was punching like I was months ago. My legs felt like lead between each match - but during, it felt good. Sab and I were in sync, he went back to coaching me in Korean, and we got the job done exactly how we'd planned. There was much to learn and be improved on, as always...but it came together when it counted.
8-2 win.
7-3 win.
7-0 win.
Here's the team for the World University Championships.
Hitting the big points hard felt like when that guy in Chariots of Fire says God made him fast, and when he runs he feels God's pleasure.
I think God smiled that day.
I sure did.
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." -2 Cor. 12:9
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