MRI

What I found disturbing about my MRI:

So he puts me on the table and locks my leg in (fine, I'm not going anywhere, but sure...) - and then slides me into the tube so that just my head is kind of sticking out. So far so good. The guy puts headphones on me with some radio station that I can barely hear - as if that was going to make any difference with all the racket that machine makes. So I'm stuck on this table, looking up...and I see directly above me is this little sign that says "warning - looking directly into laser may cause loss of vision". Or something like that. But the laser hold thing was RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE and I can't move. Even if I looked away, my eyeballs were still in line with it. WHO designed this freaking machine??

So I closed my eyes.

However, closing eyes at the end of a long day frequently leads to drowsiness. And getting sleepy in a foreign place means that I have a tendency to twitch. That would be no good considering I'm not supposed to move my leg at all. Oops...oh, well. I think I only dozed off for a little bit, before all the clanging and buzzing woke me up. MRI's as scary like that - they make these noises like machine guns shooting and you're strapped to a table inside of a tube. And if you've ever watched a movie with me, I jump at EVERYTHING.

Yeah well...results should be out at the end of the week. It's like having to wait for school acceptances or offer letters all over again...

worship

You know what I'm missing? Some good old-fashioned praise. In the Korean style. Not necessarily in the language, but...if you've ever gone to a Korean church, particularly in youth groups, there's a certain style of praise and worship. Ah, I miss the days of KCF (Korean Christian Fellowship - the community of my undergrad years). We were small, but...I don't know, there was something about it that's still very special to me. I remember that year that I went to NCPC small group and how much I loved worship on Fridays...

The thing that's difficult for me about going to a "white church" (although Redeemer has a lot of Asian attendees, it's definitely not an Asian church) is the musical worship. Over the years I've actually grown to appreciate hymns, and I was exposed to plenty of classical music growing up. However, having just hymns all the time makes me feel like I'm missing something. Even when I went to the evening service, it was the same old stuff, just in a jazz style. Which was cool, but for me, I just couldn't worship in that setting.

While Susan was visiting, we went to Flushing (home of all things fobbily Korean in NYC). One of the Korean stores we went into had a Christian bookstore-ish section. What caught my attention immediately was the music playing there - the CD was actually in Korean but it was fairly modern praise music. But totally Korean style.

The CD cost me $18.

I need to find me a Korean church. And not just for the reasons for which my parents want me to find a Korean church. (ie. Korean church --> Korean man). The more I'm away from it, the more I realize that that's the community that I'm missing.

It's just not the same to listen to recordings. A close substitute, but there's got to be corporate worship too...hrrm. Something more to think about, I suppose.

spam, cg2, knee

Wow. This spam filter thing is AMAZING. Though in a way, I'm kind of sad that my inbox is so empty...funny how even all that annoying spam made me think it was real mail. Haha, the lasting effect of Susan's visit this weekend. =) I can't believe that I was the less gimpy of the two of us...that can never be a good thing. But it was fun to catch up...man, I never realize how much I've missed people since I moved. (ie. visit me!!)

*********

cg2 is back. well. sort of.

*********

The knee is making progress. Enough to make me feel optimistic that all is not lost. Yet. MRI (or as Peter calls it: "knee test") is tomorrow...gosh I hate MRI's. For something that's not painful, it sure does make you nervous. All that clanging and being all clausterophobic (sp?) ...but yeah, thanks for praying, progress is progress! I was able to lift and bike today, and it wasn't excrutiating. It felt so good to sweat...how do people not exercise regularly and not feel disgusting? Sweating is so therapeutic...

what a feel-good day...

So yeah, family-is-cool part 2. Feel-good moment of the day 1 came when I walked in the door and saw Derek and Dylan wearing the shirts I'd gotten them from Colorado. And when S Jr showed up, he was wearing my Mexico shirt. Hrmm he wore that on Tuesday too, I hope he washed it...but yeah, it was nice to see my gifts going to good use. That's the best part about gift-giving - knowing that they didn't just shove stuff away in a closet somewhere.

I was a little apprehensive about intruding on Sabs' family thing today, but it turned out to be awesome. There was this huge mixup about what was actually going on, and when I showed up at 1pm like Sr told me to, it turned out that all the plans had changed. But I was content with playing with the boys and hanging out with the family.

It's really nice to be included in their family - good to see their mother again, if only briefly. We watched the tapes of my matches and she kept telling me I had to eat chicken and ginseng because I was so short. Um, yeah, no hope of getting any taller here. Got to have some good conversations with their sister and her husband...chatted with the niece and nephew...cousin showed up...etc. It was surprisingly...comfortable.

We played Texas hold 'em and it was just too stressful for me. I ended up winning in the end (jackpot of $12) but only because we had to leave and I got lucky. We all went all in and just flipped the cards, no bluffing, no betting. I can't bluff for the life of me. I kept trying to fold when I could have checked. Patrick laughed at me so much that after awhile he just started telling me what to do. And Jr dealt for me whenever I was the dealer. I think I could have figured out dealing, at least. But I don't plan on ever getting good at gambling so I guess it's not really worth it.

I was going to use my winnings to pay for my movie ticket but he didn't let me do that either. So now I have $12 but I feel kind of guilty having it. Maybe I'll give to to some homeless person today. We went to see National Treasure - pretty good movie. Well, I think Jr liked it more than I did...the kids (Derek and his two cousins) seemed to like it for the action but we thought it was more interesting in the historical sense. I just like seeing smart people, even if they're just acting smart. And the guy was supposed to have a degree in Mechanical Engineering from MIT so of course he had to be cool. =) Haha...

Feel-good moment of the day 2 came when Dylan had to go to bed and came out in his pajamas to say goodnight to everyone. He went around to each of us saying goodnight, and when he got to Derek he said "hug" and gave his brother a huge hug. Those boys...so cute.

It was really strange yet really cool to see Sabs being...normal people. It's very rare that I actually socialize with them, and just have fun. On the way home I told Jr I was going to have to knock him off his pedestal now. He just laughed.

happy tg

Gosh that was a lot of food. Normally I'm not a fan of turkey but 고모 sure has a way with the bird...nothing like a good old-fashioned Korean Thanksgiving. A big turkey, stuffing, and all that crap that normal people eat (I still don't understand cranberry sauce from a can), but also with kimchee and other banchan...so good. Funny what training will do to you - my instant reaction was to refuse dessert and coffee. Or it's more like...if I'm going to stuff myself, I want it to be with meat and carbs, not with sugar and caffeine. Hahaha...

Got to see my girls today...Sammy and Sydney have gotten so much bigger, and Sydney can sort of talk now. Ah...I missed the girls. And tomorrow I get to hang out with my boys! It's been awhile since I've seen Derek and Dylan, too. Holidays are cool like that...lots of family (or "family" as my case may be). Still a little apprehensive as to what this lunch is about - usually everything Sabs want has a purpose. It sounds like a "just for fun" thing, but if it's a family thing then it feels weird to show up. We'll see, I suppose...

It dawned on me that one thing that I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving was the fact that despite being far from home and what-not, I had a lot of invitations for places to go to spend it. Even though I've only been here for a few months, I'm thankful that there are all these pockets of "family", in particular my extended family on both sides, the Etkins and Sabs. It makes it feel less lonely and more like home.

jason me and gigi...not paying attention during opening ceremonies.

well, not too shabby. women's team = 1st place. overall = 2nd place.

yay for middleweights with gimpy legs!

Day 3 was awesome - all the bantam and middleweights medalled! =)

Bronze. They had to pick me up and put me on the stand.

in withdrawal

I was frantically trying to book plane tickets home for Christmas, and realized that my priorities are grossly heavy on Taekwondo. As in, trying to figure out the optimal days to go home based on when the dojang would be closed, when Sabs would be available to train me (assuming that my knee is OK by then and I'm still competing at Trials), and how many days I can afford to take off to sit on my butt at home because there's nowhere to train and no one to train with.

Oh yeah, I guess it's also important how many days of work I'm missing, but clearly that hasn't been a priority thus far...doh.

I didn't realize how much a part of my life this was until I busted my knee and couldn't do it anymore. Jr is right - it takes an injury that takes something everyday away to cause you to appreciate what you have with health. It freaking takes me forever to get anywhere. Particularly if anywhere involves stairs. *sigh* Well, he also said that despite all his knee problems now, he wouldn't have done it any differently, and that it was worth the pain. I hope when I'm 40 and arthritic I can say the same thing.

It's only been a day, and I'm already going into withdrawal. Sitting at the dojang on the side in plain clothes watching yesterday was so painful. Well, except for the fact that I was laughing at the demo kids as they laughed at themselves. =) Joe's a very interesting character...the way he teaches is a bit...eclectic. Not bad, just...different.

Off to PT to get tortured. No more toe-wiggling. Now it's down to business. Rawr...

"힘내"

Quote of the week (from James): "Pain heals, Sabs dig scars, and glory lasts forever."

HAHAHA. Jaac cracks me up. Well, if Sabs dig scars, I've got plenty of them. From the 8 huge disgusting bugbites I got to the 5 bruises that actually turned hard to the furthering of my back strain to whatever is actually wrong with my knee...this is the most physical pain I've been in after a tournament. Actually I'm really worried about my knee, it's either my MCL or meniscus or both. Rawr. RAWR. Trish thought it wasn't torn, Dr. Varlotta thinks it is. Won't know anything for sure until the MRI next Tuesday - but the fate of my chances of making Team for Worlds depends on how badly I busted my knee...

They say I'll make it back in time. And in my book, Sabs are never wrong. *sigh* I feel like a kid, just blindly trusting whatever your parents say is true. And I wish it were so, to be able to believe that someone else always knows better. But at least for now, in the week before my MRI...I have to believe them. So here's to positive thinking (and a whole lot of prayer...)

"Don't worry about it more than you have to...힘내"

Erica is super duper awesome...

"life isn't a bed of roses"

The Sabi-nuggets of wisdom contradict themselves these days. Life is not a bed of roses (whatever that means, why would you want to sleep on a bunch of dead flowers?) - and life isn't fair. But they also say that I have to be positive and make the best out of any situation. Well, you can't do both. If I accept that life isn't fair, then that's being realistic and that's being negative. I'd get yelled at for that. If I try to be optimistic I'll just be disappointed and then I'll be sad. I'd get yelled at for that too.

So it's official, no Team USA uniforms for Pan Ams. They suck. Maybe I should find the Korea uniform that Saerom gave me from Collegiate Worlds and wear that. I have a bunch of USA uniforms from Collegiate Worlds, but I'm seriously debating just wearing a blank one. If there's one sad thing I've learned from all this, it's that there's only one person who's going to look out for me and care about me: me. So I should just represent the country of myself. Well no, if I'm going by support, then I should wear New York stuff because they're the only ones being supportive. *sigh*

Just want this all to be over. I don't care anymore. Maybe I'll just sleep on the beach for a week and at least get rid of the bags under my eyes.

teen angst

Why watch Dawson's Creek when you can just witness it for yourself? I guess I forgot what it's like to be a teenager and how life-and-death it seems to like someone or think you're in love and be rebuffed or realize that it's not always magical like in the movies.

I mean...it's reality. Sometimes "love" (and I put that in quotes because I don't really believe that teenagers really understand what it is when they call it that) just isn't enough. As impossible as it seems to get to the point where two people are interested in each other at the same time - once that happens it doesn't necessarily mean that they should date or that it's happily ever after.

But then again, how to explain that to someone who's head over heels. I guess being able to control emotions is something that builds with time and maturity. But yes, it does suck quite a bit during.

I remember James (Choung) used to always say there are two factors: the right person, and the right time. Sounds so simple, yet can feel so complicated.

As much as I wasn't a huge fan of Joshua Harris, seeing all this angst makes me want to recommend "I kissed dating goodbye" to people. Well, I think it's age-appropriate for high schoolers anyways. This whole "guarding-your-heart" thing - I totally believe in it. Well, at least for those of us who are far too emotionally driven. There has to be something that keeps your heart in check, especially when you know it dominates over your self.

Though really...they should just focus on getting into college. Haha...how insensitive of me but...it's much easier to be practical when you're an observer.

me myself and i

RAWR:

1) Leaving for Pan Ams in 2 days. It's really truly amazing how this is supposed to be my first national team and the biggest-deal tournament I'm going to - and that no one cares. Well, maybe not no one, but considering that we have to take care of all our own arrangements for the trip, we're not travelling as a team, possibly not even all staying at the same hotel or eating in the same place...that it's almost certain at this point that we're not getting team warmups or uniforms...that it was "suggested" that we stick around to cheer for each other...it's really quite discouraging. I guess it's just another tournament then.

Even more upsetting is the fact that Sabs aren't coming. Even if our team ends up fragmented, everyone else on the team will have other teammates, parents, coaches coming to watch and cheer and support them. I hate having to ask Sabs repeatedly whether they'll be there for something or not. I hate asking people for things in general. It's like - there's a really big tournament coming up and it's very important - would it kill people to offer or otherwise just DO things to help?

2) Things that hurt - just trying to hang on...goodness gracious please pray for me, my body just has to hang in there for one more week.

Back (strained)
Instep (swollen)
Knee (sore)
Shin(s) (sore)
Toe(s) (sprained)
Thumb (sprained)
Hip Flexor (pulled)
Hamstring (pulled)

3) Richard forgot my birthday. He apologized profusely but that just makes me more sad.

자식은 키워도 소용이 없어.

HAHAHA...

I'm dying. My stomach hurts from laughing so much...

adolfo: "good thinking. no wonder u'r the brains."

me: "if i'm the brains, what does that make you and james?"

adolfo: "james is the muscle. and i am the pretty one."

HAHAHA....

This from the boy who's supposed to be my TA in kids advanced sparring...

me: "so why do we check?"

Frankie: "to throw the other person off"

Brenden: "to make your opponent move"

Adolfo: "to look pretty!"

for fun

"Above all, really enjoy your sport. When you are passionate about what you are doing and love doing it, you can do anything." -Carole Merle

S Jr is the man. Two hard training days but they were so good. And surprisingly, so fun. I think it's because he'll train with me instead of just training me. At least these days. So it's kind of fun to make him work hard too. At least, it gives me great satisfaction to fake him out. Like "haha, I got you". Besides, it makes me feel like less of a burden or a "taker" if I'm being a target and giving him a hard time too. As much as I loved working out with Rich last year, and as much as that was so good for me - it's always hard when you know that you're a burden on the other person and they're not getting anything out of it for themselves.

But it was nice of him to come in on Friday to work out. I dunno, I guess it was cool to have the dojang to ourselves and not have other people just watching from the side, commenting or otherwise talking. Not that that should matter, because I should learn to tune them out and not be distracted. But still - it does make a difference because you have to be aware of what you say and do because people are watching and listening...and even when people cheer or stuff from the side, it affects things. Well, I guess it depends on whether they're cheering for or against you, haha.

It was nice to just be alone and just...work. Made it a lot easier to communicate, gave the freedom to be silly, and generally made it fun. Esp. when sparring, we sparred Friday and today for awhile and it was the most fun I've had in a long time. I think for him too, never seen him actually smile that much. Haha. Then again, if I'd popped him with doubles the way he got me, I'd probably grin too. I guess the biggest difference lately has been that I'm enjoying sparring and not so stressed out, even though big tournaments have been happening all around me. Not sure what brought about the change in attitude, nor do I know how long it'll last...but it's been good.

Actually I do know. It's because they're happy with me. Being on the sh*tlist always makes my sparring go to crap. 3 days till I leave for Pan Ams...crazy.

Good luck to Liza, Erica, Rich, and Nathan (and everyone else from MIT/Boston, and James if he's super cool and decides to go) at All-Stars tomorrow! Yeah yeah bigger fish to fry, I guess, but I'm jealous of no longer being eligible for collegiate stuff...it was fun while it lasted, but it didn't last very long...growing up stinks.

sponges

Mua-ha-ha. Sponges. A "sponge" is someone who absorbs the habits and sayings of someone else and becomes a carbon copy of them. This whole time I thought Adolfo was just a sponge, because he was slowly turning into me. It all started when he was making fun of how I say "dude!" all the time. And now he says it more than me. Hahaha...or how he and Scott have picked up "rawr" and "grr". Apparently on the plane ride back from Nationals, he started doing that thing that I do with my mouth when I'm displeased. (You know what I'm talking about if you know me well).

BUT. The part that I find hilarious is when Sabs start picking up the strange things I say or do. Like last week when Sr let out a "RAWR" during a drill when he was mad at himself. I nearly died. Today, Jr referred to Adolfo as "Adodo". HAHA I was almost crying...

Maybe I'm just that weird that people pick up my strangeness...haha I don't care, it's amusing to me. =)

funny things heard around the office...

I was walking past some people talking and I hear

"you can't tell this is a toupee, can you?"

HAHAHA...I just kept on walking...