cham-ah

Being mature is difficult. It's almost torturous to be denied something that you've worked so hard for and would mean so much to you - and then to have to endure a full day of watching it unfold before you, without you. It's like taking a diabetic kid and forcing them to tour Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.

I think one of the worst feelings is being left out or excluded. And with this whole promotion test tomorrow, I've been in a constant flux of needing to be mature about it and wanting to walk away because I just can't take it anymore. Aside from the lack of understanding as to why they still haven't promoted me, it's been even more difficult to see all of my friends and 'family' that I'm closest to at the school testing together for their higher degrees. To be the one person in my group that has been left out of the belt group. To see their camraderie grow as they practice together and shoot for a common goal - and not just watch from the outside, but be present to help them.

Just once I wish I didn't have to do everything alone. I've tested for all my black belts alone. I've gone to most tournaments alone this year, with my coach with me at best. I wish I had momentum, just once.

So I've been trying to be happy for my friends - and I'm excited to see them test and firmly believe that they deserve it. But it's hard to stand by and be knowingly and unknowingly excluded, particularly by the people you're sacrificing your nights to help. Comments like "I'm so serious the 5 of us are going to go to Bulgaria...oh and Christina you can come too if you want" were not appreciated.

But this is just another thing to suck up. I just can't wait for this test to be over, particularly since I'll be working for it the whole day. I think I see more of what it means to "cham-ah". My parents always asked me (rhetorically) when I was going to mature. (Usually after I did something incredibly immature). I feel like I've had to do it a lot this week, but it's the art of taking a deep breath, letting a bad comment or feeling go, and saying what "should" be said for the sake of someone else's well-being.

The only problem with "cham-ah"ing is that you never know when something is going to make you explode.