dealbreaker?

A random impromptu late night outing with discussions the other day left me with some interesting thoughts to mull over.

As I get older, I realize that the long list of "requirements" that I once had as a teenager or in college - you know, the list you rattle off when someone asks you what you look for in a potential significant other - has gotten shorter and shorter. Then again, with how specific it was back then, it's not like it could've gotten any longer. =)

And perhaps it is, as some say, a function of getting "more desperate" as the years tick by....but actually, I think it's related to a couple factors:

1) As you get older, you learn more of who you actually are.

In the massive identity crisis that is college, and the even more massive one that hits right after you graduate - you don't always know what's best for you and what you need. Who am I, really? And where am I going? What do I really care about, what are my top priorities, what do I value deep down inside?

I think that the more aware you are of yourself, the more aware you get of what type of person would be compatible with you and that you could live with. So the list that you made when you were 15, vs. the list at 20, vs. the list at 25, are quite possibly going to be different. Perhaps very different. But I don't think it's necessarily because your tastes change...I think it's a growing awareness of what they ARE.

2) As you get older, you realize the difference between preferences and dealbreakers, and toe the line between what you can and cannot live with.

In college, we used to play this game called "perfect in every way, but..." I actually think it was instigated by our very own staffworker, JC. So the point of the game was to go around the circle and share that one characteristic about someone, that if they were perfect in every way, but had one attribute that you couldn't stand, you just couldn't be with them. ie. what are your dealbreakers? (We were playing at a retreat once, and someone said "webbed feet" for theirs...man, some people think of everything!)

I think it's valuable to have an idea of what your dealbreakers are, particularly when in a state of singleness. Because forget it, when emotions and idealism hit - there's little hope of being rational. I've seen too many people fall head over heels for the wrong person, and pay the price of digging themselves out of emotional wreckage later, after becoming attached and dependent upon them.

The funny thing is, sometimes you find out dealbreakers by being in relationships, and realizing that there are some things you just can't compromise or accept. Other times, you have what you consider to be dealbreakers, and then when that special someone comes along who is "perfect in every other way"...you question whether that was really a dealbreaker in the first place.

It ultimately questions what you value to the core, and what you cannot live with (or without).

So that being said, I had thought recently about dealbreakers and what I really wouldn't budge on (not that I have suitors lined up to be rejected, because I don't - but just in terms of guarding your heart and not letting feelings or circumstances dictate a path to inevitable emotional wreckage...haha I don't know why I like that phrase so much, it's kind of depressing). I had come up with a pretty concrete list, which was only 2 real dealbreakers long, and perhaps 3 strong preferences.

But sometimes I wonder...